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20 years gone? [Updated Feb 25]


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 20th December 2018, 6:06 PM   #1
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20 years gone? [Updated Feb 25]

Hi All,


I don't normally post things like this on a forum, but I really need some insight. Also, I won't get into the full details, but I thought I had a great marriage. I have been with my wife for 20 years, and married for 17. We have two kids, 12 and 7.


So... mid October, I felt something was wrong, but everyone has bad days/weeks. Then I left on a biz trip, and when I came home, she just seemed angry at everything. Then, just before thanksgiving, we had a blow-up. Here again, won't kill you with the little details, but it came out that she didn't love me anymore, and hasn't for a very long time. (That's why I'm blind sided)


At first... we had a few VERY draining conversations on "Why?" Her answers ranged from feeling trapped, feeling controlled, I'm too angry, she was in fear, I kept he from really leading the life she wanted, and life in general.


As far as the "Feeling controlled" and "In Fear"... I need to tell you that I have never once laid and hand on her, and I have never threatened her in any way. Sure... over ALL THOSE YEARS... I've slammed a few doors, and pushed over the coffee table once. (long ago) Also, I tell her to go out with her girl friends or the other moms in our neighborhood all the time. (be she hardly does) So, I really have no idea where those feelings come from. (at the depth that she was saying)


As far as the "I kept her from the life she wanted"... well, we meet in collage, and we both talked about grad school, but we didn't do that. I was raised in SoCal, and wanted to move somewhere warm. To keep her happy and close to her family, we stayed in PA. I generally didn't want kids, but she did... so we had 2 of them. Even the house we are in... she picked out while I was off with some friends. So, every MAJOR part of our life is what she wanted.


OK... I'm no angel, and I don't pretend to be. But I don't smoke, don't go to bars, hardly every drink at home, no drugs, nice to the kids, I'm the guy shoveling 4 or 5 driveways to help the older folks in our neighborhood, I help everyone, and take care of our house. I even maintain a small green space for the neighborhood kids to play in. To most of the people around here... I'm a great guy.


As far as attention to her... I'm the one always saying I love her, and asking if there is anything she needs. (multiple times a day) OK... maybe not crazy romance... but like I said... been together for 20 years.


With the problem at hand, he has let 17~20 years worth of "Crap" build, and now that she finally dropped this on me... she has not given me any means to dig myself out of the mountain she created in her head. At this point, she has totally ripped my heart out, and I can't take it. I've been extra helpful, and tried to be affectionate... but that just makes her angry. (she actually said "Doing a few dishes doesn't change how I feel") I've tried to give her some room, and some time, but I've asked her simple if there is hope. in a month's time... she can't even give me that.


Because of the stories she is telling me, and what she has dug up from more than 10 years ago... I response was, "If it bothered you, why didn't you talk to me about it long ago"? Her response has either been "I was scared you would be mad" or "I tried, but you didn't listen"


I'm totally lost with this, and being this close to Xmas, and having kids... I don't know what to do. Also, sorry if it feels a little scattered, but I'm not in a good mindset right now.


help.
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Old 20th December 2018, 6:53 PM   #2
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Im no one to give advice, but it sounds like shes looking for reasons to justify leaving you, thats why she is digging up sh*t from the past. I doubt it has anything to do with those things so i wouldnt beat yourself up over them. My ex gf pulled a similar stunt. Dragged up stuff from the past, clinching at straws for reasons to leave me. Reality was i had done little wrong.

Personally i find people casting up sh*t from the past to be a dick move.

Last edited by an0nym0us123; 20th December 2018 at 7:23 PM..
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Old 20th December 2018, 7:51 PM   #3
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Women tend to do this a lot.
They remember every hurt, every time they got scared, every shouting match, every time they were ignored, neglected, not listened to, bulldozed... etc. etc.
They keep score and once they are at the end of their tether, when all the injustices reach a critical level, when resentment is peak, they walk.

Men often tend to assume that arguments and disagreements are sorted and fixed but that is because in the face of male "aggression" and the impenetrable wall that many men put up when crossed, women will back down, she keeps the peace, she shuts up.
He thinks all is hunky dory, she is still hurt and upset and files it all away...
She may still be seething years later.
He is blind-sided when she tells him it is over...
"...but all that happened years ago..."
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Old 20th December 2018, 7:57 PM   #4
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Hamstering

Quote:
"The rationalization hamster is an analogy for the thought processes used by women to turn bad behavior and bad decisions into acceptable ones to herself and her friends. When a woman makes a bad decision, the hamster spins in its wheel (the womanís thinking) and creates some type of acceptable reasons for that bad decision. The crazier the decision, the faster the hamster must spin in order to successfully rationalize away the insanity"
Private man.

The medium is the message, who is your wife cheating with ? Was probably cheating with him for a while, now trying to justify leaving you. Less likely she is planning to do so very soon -
Quote:
Her answers ranged from feeling trapped, feeling controlled, I'm too angry, she was in fear, I kept he from really leading the life she wanted, and life in general.
Victim card, blaming, guilt-tripping:typical hamster. Translation : I want to have seks with a new/different man. She trying to justify to herself, you, and her guilt for cheating or about to do so, or just leaving you and the kids for the new man
Quote:
I'm the guy shoveling 4 or 5 driveways to help the older folks in our neighborhood, I help everyone, and take care of our house. I even maintain a small green space for the neighborhood kids to play in. To most of the people around here... I'm a great guy.
-Lol, when the hamster spins women can make Saint John look like a monster...she is trying to absolve herself of the guilt of cheating or leaving you for another man.

Your been a good man is irrelevant, women divorce good men the most, this were guys like you lose it, you thought if you were kinder, good, more loyal your wives would never leave you, or will be more loyal to you..women's loyalty and affection is predicated on their hypergamy - women wait on the finish line for the winners - whoever they are...she is either cheating or leaving you for a guy she considers better than you[richer,e.g her boss,more alpha, assertive and decisive,could be a womanizer ] (hypergamy)...

Quote:
Because of the stories she is telling me, and what she has dug up from more than 10 years ago... I response was, "If it bothered you, why didn't you talk to me about it long ago"? Her response has either been "I was scared you would be mad" or "I tried, but you didn't listen"
Damn! More hamster spinning, what 10 years ! She could be leaving you for an ex she reconnected with a few months/weeks ago with..or a guy she had been cheating for months, lol, scared,this one is spinning real fast.

Quote:
I've been extra helpful, and tried to be affectionate... but that just makes her angry.
The common mistake...

Since your trying to be 'affectionate' method didn't work, lets try mine. : "When a woman ever mentions she wants to leave you, help her to pack". Subconsciously a woman indicating to you her desire to leave, or withdrawing affection and intimacy is 'shhit-test', and you failed it by been needy. You should indicate indifference to all this, act not-bothered, as if you don't care if she leaves or not, indicate to her that you will be happy and fine without her, better still start acting as if you want the divorce more than she does - go a step ahead of her, be calm and subtle when you do it, right now you are predictable, be unpredictable : call a divorce lawyer in her presence etc

"In any relationship, the one who needs the other the less has the most power" Start ignoring her, don't give any attention at all...casually and calmly indicate to her that you know that she has been cheating..
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Old 20th December 2018, 8:04 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Women tend to do this a lot.
They remember every hurt, every time they got scared, every shouting match, every time they were ignored, neglected, not listened to, bulldozed... etc. etc.
They keep score and once they are at the end of their tether, when all the injustices reach a critical level, when resentment is peak, they walk.

Men often tend to assume that arguments and disagreements are sorted and fixed but that is because in the face of male "aggression" and the impenetrable wall that many men put up when crossed, women will back down, she keeps the peace, she shuts up.
He thinks all is hunky dory, she is still hurt and upset and files it all away...
She may still be seething years later.
He is blind-sided when she tells him it is over...
"...but all that happened years ago..."
Yeah, I dont disagree but I'm with James on this one....time to find out who she is sleeping with
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Old 20th December 2018, 8:11 PM   #6
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Thanks for some of the quick replies.


Elaine: You have hit the nail on the head. Everything from the past has come up. I figured it was over and done... but she didn't. I don't hold grudges, and don't have the time for that. But all of that could have been solved if she would have just talked to me.


But what can be done now to show I'm not ready to call this quits?


Jamess1: Reading that was a little confusing... but I think I understand. I don't think there's another guy. She's really not that type, and honestly... she would have to go all the way back to high school for the "EX" that was more than just a couple dates. But who knows.






Anyway... I guess the hard part of this is... she is still being nice to me. (Doing laundry, making breakfast, and so on) But the second I try to hold her hand, she pulls away. If I say "I love you", it's met with silence, or at worst (to me) a random sound of acknowledgment. Then, the icing on the cake is the... "I don't know what I want, and need time".
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Old 20th December 2018, 8:17 PM   #7
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For some reason the edit isn't working for me... so...




She hardly leaves the house, and when she does... I'm with her. If it was happening when I was on trips for work... my kids would have blabbed about it. even if they were being babysat while I was gone.




One more thing I forgot to mention... she hasn't asked for a divorce, and she hasn't asked me to leave. She's mad, doesn't love me, and doesn't know what to do about it. But nothing I come up with seems to help.
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Old 20th December 2018, 8:17 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
Yeah, I dont disagree but I'm with James on this one....time to find out who she is sleeping with
Maybe but I have known a lot of woman who have left long marriages for no-one but themselves.
Men often see everything through the eyes of sex. Many women especially older ones would be happy never to have sex ever again. some never want to have a man telling them what to do ever again...
Yes, she may be cheating but she may just be telling the truth.

"I kept her from the life she wanted" - it is not an uncommon complaint.
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Old 20th December 2018, 8:22 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
.................
"I kept her from the life she wanted" - it is not an uncommon complaint.

Reading in this forum... I've seen that a few times now. But like I said... every major part of our life together has been for her.
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Old 20th December 2018, 8:41 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Blind-Sided View Post
Reading in this forum... I've seen that a few times now. But like I said... every major part of our life together has been for her.

I guess she means a career, maybe no kids, no domesticity, freedom, independence.
She probably feels her life has been for nothing, one long road full of kids and housework and boredom, with a man who shouts and controls her.
Kids growing up, soon won't need her and then where will she be?
I guess you going on a biz trip, fuelled her anger too. You are free, she is "trapped" at home...


Also
Trouble is with fear, it doesn't need to be physical nor constant
It may just need one or two episodes to instil fear, once it is there it may be difficult to shift. That coffee table incident may have been enough...
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Old 20th December 2018, 8:49 PM   #11
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Maybe but I have known a lot of woman who have left long marriages for no-one but themselves.
Men often see everything through the eyes of sex. Many women especially older ones would be happy never to have sex ever again. some never want to have a man telling them what to do ever again...
Yes, she may be cheating but she may just be telling the truth.

"I kept her from the life she wanted" - it is not an uncommon complaint.
As I said I dont disagree....except for the small fact that women voice displeasure be if direct or passively. When you get hit by it all at once its most likely rewriting the history that usually only happens when another man is involved.

Blind-side, I've yet to meet a betrayed spouse who thought that their WOULD cheat. Almost all of us get shocked when finding out. Maybe she isn't, I would not bet money on that.
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Old 20th December 2018, 9:59 PM   #12
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Go online and check your phone bill
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Old 20th December 2018, 10:42 PM   #13
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This seems to be a reoccurring issue with wives these days. I do have to take her side in which one argument that ends with something thrown, tossed, pushed, or shoved with anger kinda kills the passion a little bit. If someone shouts at me, I will never trust that person again. It's scary.

What you wrote here is probably something that you should be telling her. This is the life she wanted, but if its not, talk about how you two would like to proceed. Don't lose hope in losing her completely just yet. She just told you she is drowning. Set her free.
Focus your happiness with your children, family and friends. Let her watch from the sidelines exactly what she will miss. Stay strong.
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Old 20th December 2018, 10:43 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Go online and check your phone bill
Agree. Her behavior is highly indicative of a wayward spouse.

Take care my friend.
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Old 21st December 2018, 12:33 AM   #15
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Sometimes with certain situations there are no right answers or a path to get what you want. You're not the determining factor about whether your wife is happy or not. And when someone's unhappy whether you're a good spouse, bad spouse, what mistakes you've made, what good you do, it really doesn't matter. You're just perceived as part of the problem.

That unfortunately is one of those situations where there are no right answers.
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