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Why Meeting People Is So Hard


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 23rd October 2017, 2:49 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Cobra_X View Post
You have to get over your fear of rejection. It will impede you at every step in life if you don't push through it. You will one day find yourself stuck in a dead end job that you hate... and afraid to leave because failing a job interview is rejection.

Overcoming rejection is one of those things that separates men from women. Most women cannot handle even a tiny bit of rejection. It makes their psyche explode. Men are supposed to learn how to deal with this and not let it effect their confidence or demeanor... which means not taking it personally.

You are not a tall buff dude. You WILL have to work harder. Learn to approach girls on the street, or in a cafe. Chat them up, get their number and try to set a date. When I was 20... I got 36 numbers one day of girls walking around downtown. Of the 36 only 2 responded to my messages, both became dates. Both turned out to really like me. Just 1 day of work meeting girls. Back then I was naive and dumb with no experience. Today I could triple that number.

The thing is that meeting women isn't the skill I learned. I learned how to deal with rejection. I went on to work in sales for 10 years. I made boatloads of money because I have this skill. It helped me start and successfully run my own business... then sell it for double the value. If you can be good at this one thing... dealing with rejection... the rest of life starts to get easy.
I'd agree with a lot of this but actually the most important skill to learn is the skill of simply not caring about the opinions of others within reason.


My comment to the OP is do what makes you happy, dating wont make you happy if aren't dating someone you actually like. I agree, play PS4 if it makes you happy, why go to a club to be unhappy or force yourself to do things you don't like because well you might find someone you like.


I think the rejection lesson is a good one but you can mitigate that risk in the dating world but actually working out probabilities, that lady with her friends in a fancy restaurant probably has loads of options, you want to try with her then


a: have a big wallet
b: be prepared to be completely superficial
c: be better looking than anyone around
d: have complete confidence


One thing is true and that is options, some have them others want then some have few of them. Gaming isn't going to give you many options but if it makes you happy then so what? I drive supercars, have published prose and run six companies and nobody is interested in me. Your life isn't defined by how people view you but how you view yourself, life isn't about how others make you happy its how you make yourself happy.


You can do a lot of things to build yourself up and you should but do them with the goal of doing them for yourself not for the benefit of others.


I can relate to you very well, slightly older and in the same situation, went through a lot and for years I tried to get anyone interested in me, I chased people I liked and barring the few crumbs of dating success I felt bad more than I felt good.


When all is said and done, ask yourself are you happy and if not what would make you happy, for me its material things I don't mind admitting that. Has dating or trying to ever made me happy, not ever to be truthful. I have someone I see one a month for lunch and she is as close to a date as I can get.


If you want to lower your standard go ahead but you wont be happy with that, I can assure you of that. Its like eating at a Michelin star restaurant and then going back to McDonalds.


Above all else find something that makes you happy, life is a fragile event at best so its pointless going through it being unhappy over things you have limited control over.


FYI I am the tall, slim, athletic guy who never had any luck at all so don't bring yourself down on looks.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 6:58 AM   #17
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Am I the only one who sees any irony here? Trying not to be a jerk, but, OP, you say how much rejection hurts, but you preemptively reject at least 75% of women in your age group. You want someone to date who is OK that you prefer sitting on the couch playing video games, but you immediately reject 75% of potential women because they are not your ideal? I understand wanting to date someone attractive to you, but, I dunno, kinda self-defeating to insist on only pursuing women who match your ideal physical traits, IMHO. Especially after you complain of women only wanting tall attractive men.

I'm old (54) I'm sure you've heard it before but, if you're looking for long term, personality is MUCH more important than looks. If you want a quick fling, yeah, appearance is more important. But looks fade man!
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Old 23rd October 2017, 8:00 AM   #18
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Am I the only one who sees any irony here? Trying not to be a jerk, but, OP, you say how much rejection hurts, but you preemptively reject at least 75% of women in your age group. You want someone to date who is OK that you prefer sitting on the couch playing video games, but you immediately reject 75% of potential women because they are not your ideal? I understand wanting to date someone attractive to you, but, I dunno, kinda self-defeating to insist on only pursuing women who match your ideal physical traits, IMHO. Especially after you complain of women only wanting tall attractive men.
While there is a certain irony in that, I don't think it is all that uncommon. But in order to make this work the OP would have to be very proactive about dating women, and he is currently a student. If he wants to make this happen the time would be right now.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 8:16 AM   #19
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I understand your frustration and it comes out in your post. Rejection is hard. What's harder is when it keeps on happening. Each rejection feels that much worse, especially when there is no success.

What stuck me about your post is about how unfair you perceive yourself to have it, but it's so much easier for everyone else. Especially women. You really need to stop thinking that way, it's very woe is me. I'm a woman, in my 20s and I find it incredibly difficult to meet anyone. And it gets me down- terribly so.

I guess the thing is, you just need to accept it. Life isn't fair and what is easy for one person, isn't easy for another. There is no use moaning about it and it can be quite damaging to paint a whole group of people (women, "tall buff dudes") with the same brush and assume everything is hunky-dory for them. It isn't. People are individuals with their own experiences and challenges.

I'm not suggesting you change who you are and what you enjoy. I've dated a gamer before and it was no problem and didn't put me off him. What did put me off is when he preferred to game than see me. Or moaned that he didn't have the time he wanted to dedicate to gaming because...he was seeing me. There is no need to hit the bars and clubs if you don't want to either. Not many fulfilling relationships were born in those venues (although there are exceptions to the rule). However, you do need to put yourself out there if you're going to get anywhere. Get out of the house, hang around with your friends doing what you actually want to do and talk to people. Even if they aren't your 'physical ideal'. Talking to people will give you good practice and maybe open your mind a little. Even if you don't get, or want a date out of it, it's good to expand your socialising.

At the end of the day, if you meet someone - great! If you don't, try not to let it define your happiness (something I personally struggle with).
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Old 23rd October 2017, 11:33 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by ZA Dater View Post
I think the rejection lesson is a good one but you can mitigate that risk in the dating world but actually working out probabilities, that lady with her friends in a fancy restaurant probably has loads of options, you want to try with her then
a: have a big wallet
b: be prepared to be completely superficial
c: be better looking than anyone around
d: have complete confidence
FYI I am the tall, slim, athletic guy who never had any luck at all so don't bring yourself down on looks.
You need to realize that YES the average woman has tons of options... sexually. However, they don't think in just those terms.

Also keep in mind that women operate on hypergamy, and this comes in many forms. You have to show them that you are a cut above. This isn't just about money, because if you think about our instincts they come from a time before money even existed. This is why misogynistic men do so well with women. They believe themselves to be inherently better... this irrational belief makes the girls believe too.

You have to learn to not care what women think about you. It's an essential life skill.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 26th October 2017 at 7:02 AM.. Reason: language ~T
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Old 23rd October 2017, 11:54 AM   #21
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If you're the nerdy introverted type who'd rather sit on the couch and play video game then go out to "da club" with your homedogs, then it's harder to meet people to date because you're not the type who goes out much.
So that person who stays at home and plays video games because they'd rather play video games is making a choice to do the thing that makes them happier. They have to accept that if they want to meet someone, it will require going out, and if they don't want to do that, they won't meet anyone. Those people can't have it both ways.

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Originally Posted by GuitarGuy7 View Post
Why would I want to go to a bar and try to pickup girls and get rejected in favor of tall buff dudes, when I can have way more fun playing League of Legends in the comfort of my own home? I don't care what anybody says, rejection hurts. (especially when it's in favor of tall buff dudes)
Life is inherently a competition for resources and desirable things. If you don't want to take the chance and compete to get something you desire, then don't. If you're happier staying at home, just stay at home. But if you opt to do that, you forfeit your right to complain about not getting a partner because you refuse to put in effort necessary to get one like everyone. It's a survival of the fittest, no girl is going to be granted to you just because you'd rather play videogames than go to the bar and learn how to develop a relationship with one.

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Originally Posted by GuitarGuy7 View Post
And let's just say you're in school and you're in a classroom of 25 people. Well chances are, there may only be 1 or 2 girls in that class whom you're attracted to. If you were to strike up a conversation with them, chances are low that they happen to be single and are attracted to you enough to want to go on a date with you.
If you just leave things to "chance," you're likely not going to have much luck anyways. Instead of just keeping your fingers crossed and hoping a girl might like you, why don't you develop as a human being, possess appealing qualities and give her a reason to like you rather than assume you have absolutely no agency and that her attraction to you is something you have absolutely no control over? I'm guessing it's because you'd rather play videogames than go to the gym, build a business, do something respectable, learn the nuances of being engaging, exciting, fun, or providing value to someone else's life in some way. You want the girl, but have you considered what the girl wants?

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Originally Posted by GuitarGuy7 View Post
There's always the option of online dating, but online dating is a destroyer of confidence for many average men who don't resemble a greek god.
That's funny. Have you looked up the statistics on online dating? It turns out it's very common and quite successful. A lot of marriages come about as a result of it. You're suggesting every man who isn't an abject failure at it is a greek god.

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Originally Posted by GuitarGuy7 View Post
Unlike decently attractive women who can virtually match with every single guy who are ready to have sex at moments notice, most guys will have to...
If you don't want the results of "most guys," then don't be "most guys." While "most guys" are playing video games are watching TV, successful guys are improving their lives somehow. They're working, making money, going to the gym, building relationships, etc. They make better choices about how to invest their time for greater dividends, while "most guys" are zombies staring at a screen, not improving or refining themselves in any way, complaining about how no women like them.

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Originally Posted by GuitarGuy7 View Post
Especially as you get older and people start getting married off. You think being single at 30 is bad? Trying being a 30 year old dateless virgin who's options are single moms or those looking to settle down.
Being single at 30 is the best it will ever be for a man, assuming he invested his time wisely and didn't waste it on something as frivolous as TV and video games. Consider the guy who busted his butt to get through med school and is now at 30 opening up his own practice. He's mature, distinguished, respected, successful, still physically fit, and has the majority of his life in front of him. Now consider the 30 year old who spent his 20s playing video games and now works as a cashier. Are you honestly that surprised in the difference in appeal between these two?

You say "try being a 30 year old dateless virgin" like that person's own choices didn't him lead him to that fate. If that person didn't want to be a 30 year old virgin, he should have done something about it.

It almost seems like your thesis is "It sucks when you desire women, but you aren't willing to do anything practical to get them."
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Old 23rd October 2017, 1:59 PM   #22
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So... You're an introvert who prefers gaming over getting out and meeting women and only one-in-five of those women are your "absolute type"? You are your own worst enemy in this situation. You can't really complain about not being able to get dates when you're at home, playing XBox and pondering about 20% of women that fit your "standard".
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Old 23rd October 2017, 2:00 PM   #23
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Not quite. Reduce your criteria to those that really matter to you. Don't make it a wishlist.
Understood, of course.

My 'wish-list' or criteria that matter:

1. Be fit/active
2. Be financially responsible/stable
3. Be free of drama/yearning from/of exes
4. Be open-minded
5. Be able to hold a conversation (educated)

Not too demanding, right? What a challenge it has been to find someone like the above in the part of the country (USA) I live....sheesh.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 3:13 PM   #24
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I just want to say something about the fear of rejection: Everyone fears it!

Believe it or not,"tall buff dudes" get rejected too. Think about it, most women that go after them will get rejected by them. The women they will go after are fewer and far between. And statistically speaking, they will get shutdown more times than they find success because they are going after a smaller group of women who are being pursued by other "tall buff dudes." Having high standards is a double-edged sword.

The difference is they have the confidence to keep putting themselves out there. You can't take it personally man. You have to understand that, just like you, everyone has a preference. Although it is way easier said than done, it's nothing to be taken personally.

If gaming is your hobby, you should try meeting folks in online gaming communities. You may find someone local that also does not like going out to clubs or bars. Have faith that you have something to offer. Be proud of who you are and embrace it. You're only 22; you have plenty of time. Find you first.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 3:16 PM   #25
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If playing games is the only thing you want to do in your life, you should find a girl online during playing or on games forum. If you want to find a girl with who you will go on a date, you should be more open. Make some effort.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 3:23 PM   #26
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I honestly find the bold ridiculous in the extreme. Its completely not alright for guys to say they don't like unfit obese people its alright to completely exclude someone based on a past time hobby irrespective of their other attributes?
Yes, because if it continues then he is showing an adolescent lack of ambition, he is putting it ahead of everything else, and is a general lazy person. In other words, he is not going to be a functioning person to be in a relationship with if that's what his life is like. Being fat doesn't stop you from being ambitious and being a good partner.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 3:24 PM   #27
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Am I the only one who sees any irony here? Trying not to be a jerk, but, OP, you say how much rejection hurts, but you preemptively reject at least 75% of women in your age group. You want someone to date who is OK that you prefer sitting on the couch playing video games, but you immediately reject 75% of potential women because they are not your ideal? I understand wanting to date someone attractive to you, but, I dunno, kinda self-defeating to insist on only pursuing women who match your ideal physical traits, IMHO. Especially after you complain of women only wanting tall attractive men.

I'm old (54) I'm sure you've heard it before but, if you're looking for long term, personality is MUCH more important than looks. If you want a quick fling, yeah, appearance is more important. But looks fade man!
I'm guessing he is looking for a woman who looks like one of the women in his games since that seems to be his main foundation in life.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 3:59 PM   #28
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Understood, of course.

My 'wish-list' or criteria that matter:

1. Be fit/active
2. Be financially responsible/stable
3. Be free of drama/yearning from/of exes
4. Be open-minded
5. Be able to hold a conversation (educated)

Not too demanding, right? What a challenge it has been to find someone like the above in the part of the country (USA) I live....sheesh.
It may not sound too demanding, but the older I become the harder criteria 3) and 4) are to meet, along with implied criteria, such as a minimum of physical attractiveness, proximity and such. I never had a problem with 5), but then again I'm a man.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 4:17 PM   #29
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I'm guessing he is looking for a woman who looks like one of the women in his games since that seems to be his main foundation in life.
I do not understand the animosity in this post?

The kid is 22. I remember at 22, I was going to bars and spending too much money I did not have and chasing women who I did not end up with. Looking back, it was not exactly the most mature and prudent thing to do. But I turned out all right.

I think you can advise him, based on your life experience, and make your point regarding on having reasonable expectations without being disrespectful of his hobbies and lifestyle.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 4:21 PM   #30
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Someone needs to tell him since apparently his parents did not.
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