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Found out Dad I was interested in is married?!


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 7th February 2018, 9:02 AM   #256
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Originally Posted by WorldInMyEyes View Post
Is he like those other guys who ask you out? He's not? Well there's your answer.

Being an attractive man means you don't have to do the chasing like all the other members of your gender. A couple things are at play here:

1) This is a man who spent his whole life not getting rejected by women. If he expresses interest in you and you reject him, that's going to sting a lot worse than some unattractive dude living in his mom's basement who gets rejected by women all the time and is used to it. Pride is at stake for him here. Don't underestimate that.

2) It's not just that he's never had to chase after women, but that women have chased after him. He's never learned how to be a "player" because he's never had to. Why come up with silly pick up lines or whatever when you can walk into a club and women approach you without you having to say a word to them?

Try looking at it from his perspective. It's going to take more of an effort on your part with him than it would with the "average Joe".

Good luck and keep us posted!
I know youíre right about this.

I donít know if I have what it takes to take this to the next level. I keep going over last night in my mind and there are so many things I could have said to keep a conversation going at the end of practice - the two of us were alone with our kids. And what did I do? I stood close to him and said ďSee you Saturday...Ē 🙄

What youíve described about him is EXACTLY how I feel in this position. Iíve never been rejected. Iím terrified of how much that probably hurts. Iíve also never wanted a man as much as I want him. A lot of my ego is wrapped up in this. I know that a rejection from him wouldnít mean Iím undesirable, which is what plagues most women (I think), but I want him so badly that it would sting... a lot.

But is it supposed to be this difficult?? I think Iíve shown him a lot of interest already 😁 How much more encouragement does he need? I reply to all of his emails, thatís keeping the lines of communication open - I definitely donít do that with other men. Iíve stared back whenever I catch him. I smile when we talk. The only thing I can do to show my interest is to stare more! Then he will notice it, right? I mean, what else could it mean when a woman stares at you? You can misinterpret words and emails, but that eye contact says it all.

Or at least I hope it will...
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Old 7th February 2018, 10:21 PM   #257
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I think I have crossed a line.

What do I want to happen? Everything. I want the sex and the intimacy and the pain and the joy and I can handle the unavailability! I want it all. I wonít be dumb enough to think heíd leave his wife, but I want the experience of him. Itís taken me a while to come to this conclusion, but Iím so incredibly tired of putting up walls. Iíve been doing it for so long. I donít just want this man for sex. Sex is easy. I want all of him.
The thing is if you move forward and have a date or have sex, it will snowball to wanting more. And then a very possible outcome is that he'll get scared and withdraw - which for you will reflect into the so dreaded rejection (although technically the rejection won't be for you and your qualities as a woman, but a reflection of the circumstances).

Maybe the most sane approach will be to just informally talk first, somehow move the conversation away from kids&plays and get an idea where he stands. I don't have a good advice how to get there, but it should be something that is not forced, somehow natural transition should happen...
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:04 AM   #258
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Of course. As I just mentioned in another post, I want to see where this goes. It would be the logical progression.
Wait until you have your first one-on-one time with him, it will blow your mind. I don't mean sex, I mean just you and him talking with no one else around. The unavailability factor magnifies an already incredibly intense situation. What an amazing experience it is.
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Old 8th February 2018, 11:52 AM   #259
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The thing is if you move forward and have a date or have sex, it will snowball to wanting more. And then a very possible outcome is that he'll get scared and withdraw - which for you will reflect into the so dreaded rejection (although technically the rejection won't be for you and your qualities as a woman, but a reflection of the circumstances).
I can totally see him withdrawing - I go back and forth about his interest, which tells me he might be struggling with moving the flirtation forward. So if something really happened and he withdrew, it would hurt. But i would also have lived. I’ve spent a lot of time protecting myself from pain. No one dies from being in love. Heartbreak exists, then it passes. It doesn’t scare me anymore. What I do not want is to wake up at the age of 70 regretting all the love and sex I could have had! My self-control as far as he is concerned is zero
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Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 8th February 2018 at 3:49 PM.. Reason: Fix quote and remove extraneous characters
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:01 PM   #260
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Originally Posted by WorldInMyEyes View Post
Wait until you have your first one-on-one time with him, it will blow your mind. I don't mean sex, I mean just you and him talking with no one else around. The unavailability factor magnifies an already incredibly intense situation. What an amazing experience it is.

😁😁😁

I would love that so much!

Unfortunately, at the moment I donít have any hope that it is going to happen. Iím only going to see him 7 more times and then it will be over! I might run into him at the gym but then thatís it. I donít see him making a move, I donít even know if heís as interested as I think he is.

Although, I realized that on Tuesday he stayed shooting hoops after practice because he was waiting for Camera Watch to leave! My son was shooting hoops with him and I was still sitting down, so he knew we werenít leaving. As soon as Camera Watch cleared out, he came over to where I was. The other parents left pretty quickly so we were both alone with our kids. I had noticed that he kept checking the door and watching who was leaving when he was on the court, which is very unlike him - usually practice is over, heís out of there - so I even looked around afraid he might be checking out another mom 😂 Nope, he was waiting for everyone to leave! And I was bribing my son with gum to stay 😊

It worked. He was making conversation with me and it felt easy and... charged. I wish I had stood even closer to him than I did! I already stood pretty close and he didnít move an inch... Earlier when I was sitting down and called him over, he leaned into me to hear what I was saying and he got pretty close, too.. We could have almost kissed!

But thatís all we have right now. These little moments. And I wish they meant to him what they mean to me.
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:28 PM   #261
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Are you expecting him to ask you out on a date?
He's not going to ask you out... he's married.

He will check to see if he can cheat with you - and that's what he's doing.

A date? Nope. To get laid for free? Yep

If it's any scenario that costs him money (which will be seen by his wife - a paper trail - and cause suspicion) he won't risk his comfy life at home.

He's waiting for you to invite him over for sex.

Expect sex only - nothing more - nothing less.
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:37 PM   #262
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The unavailability factor magnifies an already incredibly intense situation. What an amazing experience it is.

Kind of like mixing a couple of different street opioids, I imagine.
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:38 PM   #263
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He is probably enjoying the attention he is getting... It's a nice distraction from his hum-drum married life. It must be flattering to think that another woman would find him attractive. But, that's probably all he is feeling...

I agree, he's not going to ask you out on a date. Married people don't date. If they do, well... they that's a big red flag that they are not a very good partner.
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Old 8th February 2018, 2:16 PM   #264
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I just read the comment about the paper trail and it made sense!! It might explain why his emails are different.

So he and I used to go back and forth with emails and it was pretty thrilling... The last couple of weeks heís changed, when he initiates with a message to the group and I reply to only him, with a couple of sentences, he doesnít continue. So I went back and checked the message recipients... His wife is the last recipient added to these last few messages!

Now, he uses his work email for all basketball communications, so I donít know how she would see those... But heís probably thinking ahead about my now having her email address! Paper trail. And in person heís very flirty as long as his wife is not watching (games), and his wifeís friend (Camera Watch) is no longer around (practices)!

Thank you so much to S2B for making me think of this, this isnít cheating on my side so Iíve failed to see it from his (scared) perspective!

I think youíre right about the sex... Hearing it put like that doesnít bother me as much as I thought it would. Interesting!
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Old 8th February 2018, 2:31 PM   #265
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So I went back and checked the message recipients... His wife is the last recipient added to these last few messages!
That's good. Maybe he asked her to keep him accountable so he doesn't do anything stupid.
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Old 8th February 2018, 2:39 PM   #266
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That's good. Maybe he asked her to keep him accountable so he doesn't do anything stupid.
If youíre right, then this means heís even more tempted than I thought he was! 😊

And I was able to go back to early December emails, she had been added to some of those too but not all. I just hadnít been paying attention, I didnít even know he was married back then. I need to focus my attention from now on...
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Old 8th February 2018, 2:46 PM   #267
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I have to say Iím finding that posting on this forum has been very helpful. It makes me consider things I wouldnít otherwise consider!

And the more I revisit the chronology of behaviors, the more I see that he has made a decision - he was shy in person before, free in emails before. Now heís shy in emails, bold in person. Why? Because now he has ulterior motives to turn this into something, even if itís just sex.

He didnít have anything to be careful of before. He does now. Itís interesting that my decision has happened later in the game... But it has definitely happened as well. The Psych major in me realizes that we need to pay attention when behaviors change. Mine has changed, just like his.

Will something actually happen here? I donít know. I donít see myself inviting him over for sex like S2B said. So maybe this will just be an enjoyable platonic crush and nothing else!
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Old 8th February 2018, 2:52 PM   #268
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That's good. Maybe he asked her to keep him accountable so he doesn't do anything stupid.
Smart man.

Perhaps he feels that there is trouble brewing and wants to be transparent with his wife.
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Old 8th February 2018, 6:09 PM   #269
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It could be - and he was already doing that before he and I started talking. Perhaps he has cheated before and is on probation? I donít know.

Interesting statistic - only 12% of cheating men in a study reported that they did so because of sexual dissatisfaction. What was the number one reason for the others? Feeling UNAPPRECIATED. When men feel like they canít win with their wives, they get out of the game, either physically by leaving, or emotionally by cheating.

But I would be very surprised if b-dad were a serial cheater who does it for sport. His willingness to engage me so far shows a couple of things: he has allowed the interaction to progress, he is becoming more interested overtime, he is taking precautions to ensure that anything between us does not hurt his marriage. Why? Because at least a small part of him has entertained the idea of letting this happen in real life, not only in our fantasies.

The difficult part is that I know how easy it would be for me to make him fall in love, if I wanted to. If I had access to him, it would not be difficult. Men are simple. But one thing at a time, thatís not my intention right now. A lot would need to happen before that kind of emotional seduction could begin. My ex-husband couldnít hold on to my interest, but I still have his to this day. Because I know exactly how to act once I have access - my current problem is getting there, and for now Iím thankful for my hesitancy.

But b-dadís risk of messing up his marriage right now is pretty low. Iím not aggressive, he needs encouragement. So those of you rooting against the affair might get your way! 😃
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Old 9th February 2018, 2:28 AM   #270
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Personally I think you are feeding his ego.

That makes for hot sex with his wife. Just pointing out what happens when a spouse starts flirting with someone outside the marriage - sex at home gets steamy.

And he gets an ego boost to boot.
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