William Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Good afternoon, Couple things... 1. There appears to be some topic drift so I'll request the thread starter and respondents to return to the topic regarding finding out a man the starter was interested in being a married dad and how to deal with that and the subsequent interaction. 2. A trusted member requested a civility check and I took a look and will join them and direct members to focus on the content of the topic, not the person, and to post in a civil and respectful manner. I moved this thread to F&L because it doesn't appear there is dating going on and, if it becomes an involvement with a committed partner I'll move it to OM/OW. Thanks and have a pleasant weekend! Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 One thing I haven’t mentioned and also related to looks... This guy is gorgeous. He has the perfect body - obviously works out but not too bulky. Also taller than I am, which is the best. Big blue eyes and a gorgeous smile... Above average, for sure. It is SO difficult for me to find men attractive. I guess I just need to vent on the complete cruelty of this man being married. ? OK, now THIS we can stand behind! Be angry and stomp your feet all you want. Just CHOOSE not to act on it and be a homewrecker. I'm curious, have you ever had a relationship with a married man who kept you a secret from his wife? Or would this be the first? (I'm sorry if you've already told us this) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Oh, and P.S. Do you like drama? Because you're gonna get a load of it when the wifey finds out. Your husband cheating on you totally sucks, but I imagine it sucks ten times more with a beautiful model. You're already on her radar....you caught her looking at you. I'd bet the bank you're also the topic of conversation already among the moms because you're a beautiful SINGLE mom. You're a threat and you haven't even really done anything yet, so it's doubtful you'd get away with it for long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 I don't get the resentment OP get's because she's saying she's attractive: what's wrong with stating something that you believe in? If someone says they are rich, or sociable, or educated, or smart, or healthy - it is ok, but when t comes to someone saying they are beautiful - and everyone is worked up. Why is that? Envy? On the topic with the married dad - ugh it is getting more and more inappropriate by the minute. I'd have been extremely put off by the wife's presence... If she sensed something (and I bet money she did) - there will be a massive drama bubbling up. Women are viscious when it comes to protecting their men. OP - if I were you, I'd steer clear. Nothing wrong daydreaming about the guy, but stay away physically... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 The thing is, nothing the OP described indicated that the guy has crosses boundaries. He's a bit friendly, that's all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 The thing is, nothing the OP described indicated that the guy has crosses boundaries. He's a bit friendly, that's all. Oh, nothing explicit needs to happen for crossing boundaries. Honestly even the topic of their conversations is irrelevant. For an intuitive person the vibe that they get is giving all the information. Hopefully the wife is not too intuitive because this can end badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JJacobs Posted January 13, 2018 Author Share Posted January 13, 2018 I agree that the wife’s presence was unsettling. How in the world would I feel if I had actually slept with him?! And to answer an earlier question, no, I’ve never been involved in anything extramarital or with anyone’s husband. I didn’t sleep with my husband until after he became my husband, and there has only been one man after my divorce. I definitely have standards that are too high and even initial attraction is difficult for me. This guy has been different. I’m usually not attracted to overly-friendly men, but he was slightly shy, and nervous around me, which I’ve actually enjoyed for the first time. Don’t you guys think that he only asked me - it was very openly a question - if he’d see me Tuesday with his wife there because it didn’t mean anything? If he actually is interested in me, it would have been too brazen, especially if she remembers that he didn’t introduce me last week. I feel so many things at once, and none of it makes sense or has been able to override the sexual attraction. I’ll spend the next couple of days obsessing over whether he’s interested for real, and just as I’m getting out of it, it will be time to see him again. Am I just too old to find the fortitude within to do the right thing? I used to have so many ideals about one’s virtue and integrity. Now all I want is to do whatever I damn well please. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 I think you have a crush on him and are letting your fantasies run a bit wild. That is what you need to get under control or next thing you know you'll be finding yourself wrapped up with a married man who has and never had any intentions of leaving his wife. Ask me how I know... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Sexual attraction is just NOT something that you (or any therapy or equivalent modern BS) can control. Whether you will act on it or not: you have full control over. It may sounds controversial but this type of unconsummated sexual/emotional connections are WAY more powerful than any coupled sh*t. Because on top of the connection there is the whole fantasy experience that makes it million times more powerful. Acting on it only ruins the intensity. I have had few men in my life that I can only define as muses. Strong, powerful crushes with no action on it. I can only say these were my best 'romantic' experiences and I won't change them for the world. Leave this man be your muse. Don't smear it with the prose of getting into something agains your values. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 There are plenty of SINGLE men to have a crush on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Don’t you guys think that he only asked me - it was very openly a question - if he’d see me Tuesday with his wife there because it didn’t mean anything? Now all I want is to do whatever I damn well please. Oh C'mon. Please. You know we don't think that, and neither do you. Here's the validation you're seeking: He wants you in his bed. He is lusting after you. 100% certain. For sure. There's zero chance he was just "being friendly" or whatever you're trying to get us to debunk. And sorry, life doesn't let you do whatever you damn well please and get away with it. Even when you're a model. We all follow the same rules. You've only been with two men, waited til you got married to have sex with your husband and you're considering throwing all of that virtue away for a man who wants to bang someone other than his wife? Seriously. C'mon. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Sexual attraction is just NOT something that you (or any therapy or equivalent modern BS) can control. Whether you will act on it or not: you have full control over. It may sounds controversial but this type of unconsummated sexual/emotional connections are WAY more powerful than any coupled sh*t. Because on top of the connection there is the whole fantasy experience that makes it million times more powerful. Acting on it only ruins the intensity. I have had few men in my life that I can only define as muses. Strong, powerful crushes with no action on it. I can only say these were my best 'romantic' experiences and I won't change them for the world. Leave this man be your muse. Don't smear it with the prose of getting into something agains your values. Exactly. Remember, as good looking as this man is, his breath stinks in the morning, too, and you'll find poop stains on his underwear in the hamper. He really doesn't deserve to be on the pedestal you have him on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Oh C'mon. Please. You know we don't think that, and neither do you. Here's the validation you're seeking: He wants you in his bed. He is lusting after you. 100% certain. For sure. There's zero chance he was just "being friendly" or whatever you're trying to get us to debunk. And sorry, life doesn't let you do whatever you damn well please and get away with it. Even when you're a model. We all follow the same rules. You've only been with two men, waited til you got married to have sex with your husband and you're considering throwing all of that virtue away for a man who wants to bang someone other than his wife? Seriously. C'mon. Lol nailed it. I have a good friend who is a PASTOR who said the same thing when she decided to have an affair with a married man. This has nothing to do with God or virtue or anything like that. It has everything to do with fulfilling your own desires and your own voids. For starters, you're probably lonely and that is driving you. If you're not at the point of thinking badly of affairs with married men, then you need to just start dating single men to relieve your loneliness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 There are plenty of SINGLE men to have a crush on. If only attraction worked that way Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 If you're not at the point of thinking badly of affairs with married men, then you need to just start dating single men to relieve your loneliness. OP, DO you think badly of affairs with married men? If you were on the outside looking in, what would you think of this? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 If only attraction worked that way It does for me now. OP, DO you think badly of affairs with married men? If you were on the outside looking in, what would you think of this? I would add, what would you think if your daughter told you she wanted to have an affair with a married man? Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 @Cautious: I'm absolutely not telling her to get into an affair. But to get attracted to someone or stop being attracted to someone by choice is just... not humanly possible. I got into peace we (people) can just live through crushes, which does NOT mean act on them. @Popsicle: How the heck it works for you? You decide to get attracted and here it goes? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 @Cautious: I'm absolutely not telling her to get into an affair. But to get attracted to someone or stop being attracted to someone by choice is just... not humanly possible. I got into peace we (people) can just live through crushes, which does NOT mean act on them. @Popsicle: How the heck it works for you? You decide to get attracted and here it goes? Oh I agree! You can't really control attraction sometimes. But, ya also can't always get what you want. Married men are behind a glass, bullet-proof locked case, no matter how pretty the display looks . ETA: I did not think you were advocating for her to be a mistress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 I have to admit, to comment on the poor wife post - I agree. I felt guilty for being attracted to him while she was there. I really don’t know if I could pull off actually having sex with a man who belongs to someone else. And I was so on your side, thinking that you did have empathy and sanity had prevailed... Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 @Popsicle: How the heck it works for you? You decide to get attracted and here it goes? No, it goes like this... First, I see or have just met a guy I find attractive. Then, immediately I find out if he's married or taken. I have trained myself to do this in the first contact. MOST are honest, only a few slimebuckets lie about that. If he's taken, I stop talking to him and then my attraction dies almost as soon as it was ignited. I won't keep having a crush on him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 It makes me angry, because I really want to pursue this... Am I just too old to find the fortitude within to do the right thing? I used to have so many ideals about one’s virtue and integrity. Now all I want is to do whatever I damn well please. But then, you said this... I still say, with all due respect, your opinion that you somehow don't have to follow the rules and have the ability to do whatever you want is very entitled. You have complete control of your decision to sleep with another woman's husband. Don't pretend otherwise, we didn't just fall off the turnip truck... What the heck are you doing sitting behind his wife? Why are you tempting fate? Is your life really so boring that you need to create all this drama. Sleep with this married man and people will be hurt, lives will be destroyed - and for what? For a little fun, a few moments of excitement, and a little attention. Is it worth it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
igotoverit Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 No, it goes like this... First, I see or have just met a guy I find attractive. Then, immediately I find out if he's married or taken. I have trained myself to do this in the first contact. MOST are honest, only a few slimebuckets lie about that. If he's taken, I stop talking to him and then my attraction dies almost as soon as it was ignited. I won't keep having a crush on him. I agree with this statement but I still fell into a fixation and obsession so I can relate. I think the bottom line is this ones off limits. Put your time and energy into finding some one else. There are other guys you will find attractive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 No, it goes like this... First, I see or have just met a guy I find attractive. Then, immediately I find out if he's married or taken. I have trained myself to do this in the first contact. MOST are honest, only a few slimebuckets lie about that. If he's taken, I stop talking to him and then my attraction dies almost as soon as it was ignited. I won't keep having a crush on him. I have always had a little crush on my friend/coworker's husband. But, I am an adult... quite capable of spending time with them, respecting the fact that they are married, and keeping the boundaries appropriate. Easy peasy. You can't control attraction. You can certainly control whether you act inappropriately upon that attraction. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 I agree with this statement but I still fell into a fixation and obsession so I can relate. I think the bottom line is this ones off limits. Put your time and energy into finding some one else. There are other guys you will find attractive. Obsessions are a waste of time unless you act on them. Life is too short to just be sitting around pining and fantasizing about someone. Go Be with someone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 (edited) But then, you said this... I still say, with all due respect, your opinion that you somehow don't have to follow the rules and have the ability to do whatever you want is very entitled. You have complete control of your decision to sleep with another woman's husband. Don't pretend otherwise, we didn't just fall off the turnip truck... What the heck are you doing sitting behind his wife? Why are you tempting fate? Is your life really so boring that you need to create all this drama. Sleep with this married man and people will be hurt, lives will be destroyed - and for what? For a little fun, a few moments of excitement, and a little attention. Is it worth it? I have trouble believing this is about attention for her. By her own statements, she gets plenty of attention from men and always has. And since she's only had 2 sexual partners, it sounds like she's done a decent job so far of rebuffing advances that she deems either inappropriate or unwanted. Edited January 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic ~T Link to post Share on other sites
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