I have so much crap going on in my head I don't know whether to sheet or go blind. Been married a long time, basically a sexless marriage the whole time. Not completely though because there were kids. I did my duty and have stayed until they were all raised and on their own.The thought of divorce first entered my mind nearly 20 years ago. But because of the kids I sucked it up, buckled down and served my time.
The sex thing is a huge problem in our marriage. She won't do oral sex on me (I love to do her) and if I suggest anal sex she accuses me of being gay. I consider myself a skilled lover but she only wants what she wants. She barely ever touches me anywhere and never strokes my penis. If she happens to get semen on her she acts like its battery acid and can't wait to jump up run to the bathroom and wash it off. I should add I am a well built nice looking guy. On the rare occasions we do make love it is completely predictable. She masturbates until she gets a little interested then lets me do it to her (and I better be quick about it) and then we're done. Anymore I find myself actually trying to avoid having sex with her at all because of her selfish, taking attitude. And when I do do it, I feel disgusted with myself for giving in to her.
Couple this with the fact that she's disrespectful and belittling of me, she's managed to squander every penny I ever earned, she's inconsiderate and she's let herself go physically and you begin to get the picture. (geez when you write out it sounds really, really bad).
Our fights and squabbles have been escalating in intensity. I take these relationship quizzes and they indicate imminent and total breakdown. I just don't see spending the rest of my life like this. The truth is I was ready to break up with her all those long years ago when I was just a stupid kid. Then she got pregnant (don't worry I won't get pregnant, she said). I know, I know I shouldn't have had sex with her if that was the way I felt but what can I say. I've paid a helluva price for that indiscretion.
I've never been unfaithful but that's going to change. I've made up my mind that she is not going to be the last woman I make love to,
And now something else in the mix. A girl I fell in love with before her is on the edges of my life again. She was my dream girl, everything I wanted. It was a summer fling. But I thought there were some mixed signals. Then a supposed friend stabbed me in the back by lying about her. I was told she was already pregnant by someone else who was away in the army and was going to marry him when he got back. Like a fool, I didn't talk to her about it. I thought I shouldn't come between a man and his family. I simply walked away went off to college and tried to forget about it.
Now I find her in the area again. I saw her from a distance but I haven't approached her yet. I've also learned that though married she is childless.
I honest to God think I married the wrong woman and that "friend" and his lie ruined a lot of lives.
So, what do I do, divorce?, try to rekindle the old flame? have an affair with her, steal from her hubby? leave her alone and go after someone else?
Divorce and leave her alone. You can't go back again. Your desperation in your own situation has made you think she's got the lifeline you need. She doesn't. You can do it on your own without ruining someone else's marriage. So do so.
I agree with moimeme! If your marriage is that bad and can not be fixed move on...but you don't need to jump into a relationship with someone else right away. Plus how do you know that this old flame would want to be with you??
I feel that your focus on this ex-girlfriend only to be a "comfort zone" for you. When you think about her you feel good about yourself, you feel good inside. I completely understand how you feel. I was in a sexless, loveless marriage with children and was NOT attracted to my husband. Besides the fact that he was drunk everyday of the week - he just did not listen (as a lover) I told him quite frankly the things that I liked and what I did'nt like and he still just continued on his way to do what made him feel good.
So as you feel now; I felt then. I also focused on a past lover and thought how "good" that was. But that is the point....key word here..."was".
You need to put things right in your life first. If you feel that you are ready to crawl into bed with another person, then that is a very obvious sign that you need to leave the relationship you are currently in. Don't insult yourself by having an affair and getting caught. When you get caught? all the things that you will plead drove you to this will fall on deaf ears. You will then be labelled a "cheater" and that on it's own outweighs her lack of zest in the bedroom.
I'm going to repeat what I said......If you are thinking about getting into bed with someone other than your spouce - you are clearly ready to leave. Unless your wife is willing to be a little more adventurous in the bedroom to at least make it exciting for you? Move on.
well before you come to your decision about a divorce, have you ever thought of seeing a sex therapist? it might do wonders for your marriage. have you seen the movie meet the ****ers? lol.... its a great movie and it shows you some of the things a sex therapist teaches. im sure if your sex life was improved, their wouldnt be AS MUCH stress, arguments, and problems in your marriage. I say give it a shot atleast, if it doesnt work out, then get a divorce.
I feel that your focus on this ex-girlfriend only to be a "comfort zone" for you. When you think about her you feel good about yourself, you feel good inside. I completely understand how you feel. I was in a sexless, loveless marriage with children and was NOT attracted to my husband. Besides the fact that he was drunk everyday of the week - he just did not listen (as a lover) I told him quite frankly the things that I liked and what I did'nt like and he still just continued on his way to do what made him feel good.
So as you feel now; I felt then. I also focused on a past lover and thought how "good" that was. But that is the point....key word here..."was".
You need to put things right in your life first. If you feel that you are ready to crawl into bed with another person, then that is a very obvious sign that you need to leave the relationship you are currently in. Don't insult yourself by having an affair and getting caught. When you get caught? all the things that you will plead drove you to this will fall on deaf ears. You will then be labelled a "cheater" and that on it's own outweighs her lack of zest in the bedroom.
I'm going to repeat what I said......If you are thinking about getting into bed with someone other than your spouce - you are clearly ready to leave. Unless your wife is willing to be a little more adventurous in the bedroom to at least make it exciting for you? Move on.
my xmm felt the way you did at home ,she got preg just as he was ready to break up(before marriage),then she bitch ed &harped him into marriage,she's out of shape ,insults him is rude,was ignorant before marriage he thought shed change her personality ,she blows his money ...wait a minute is that you B?(my xmm)lol
if your not happy why stick around ,i don't get you men sometimes?
why did you even marry her if she wouldn't do oral or anal ?
did you think a piece of paper would change that?
marriage does not make woman turn into your perfect little sex slave .
Last edited by lynnered; 1st March 2005 at 4:27 PM..
Well I had a nice long reply to all the responses addressing all the issues ready to post and then my computer crashed before I could hit the submit button. have to redo it tomorrow
Anyhow thanks for all the input. Its been eye opening and thought provoking.
Keep it coming
Bubbles was right on. I'm going through a little of what you've experienced.
Married 10+ years to a decent guy- decent in the fact he worked, didn't have a drug problem- didn't beat me. Pretty good father- we had a comfortable life.
He would not, however, meet my needs. He felt there was always time to meet his needs- yet there wasn't time to meet my needs. He was always interested in sex but it was never that good for me. He wanted me more to "service" him- he couldn't last more than five strokes. He had let himself go terribly while I maintained a good figure and took care of myself. He never gave me any affection or attention. I tried everything and nothing worked- I had more sex with him because he claimed that was why he wasn't meeting my needs. I requested counseling numerous times- and I point blank told him I would cheat or leave him if he didn't straighten up. He never listened until I told him to hit the door- by that time it was too late for me to change my feelings.
I had a fling- and it was a huge mistake. If you get caught everyone will think you're scum even though any other man would have one under the same cicumstances. Now everyone knows about the fling- and everyone that was in my life before hates me. I made one mistake in all those years of marriage and he made countless- yet that's all anyone can think of.
Men feel loved from sexual attention. Women need to take notes that if you're not pleasing your man in that area- no matter how devoted he is- he will find someone else to meet his needs. Your wife is a prude and if I were you I'd be very offended she feels the need to masturbate until she's interested just to have sex.
I have a wonderful BF now who does everything to meet my needs in the bedroom and out. I LOVE pleasing him and would do whatever he wanted except painful stuff if it would please him. You deserve a woman who wants to please you. Please think about what I said and get out first. Then you will be free to find the right person for you.
Mz. Pixie
i really enjoyed your reply
i had a A with mm and it your situation sounds like his but from a woman's perspective I'm glad you did the right thing &got out .
i think no one should stay in a bad marriage and you tried so hard to make it work .
am glad you chose to be happy!!
Thanks! I just wish I would have gone about it differently.
My dad said that it takes enormous guts to do what I did- I have no family up here. I moved into an apartment, with little furniture and stuff like that. I had to go out and buy a used car to be able to go to work etc. I did it despite the rejection of everyone in my life- including my best friend of 11 years. I'm not sure why she's being the way she is- she knew about this all beforehand and advised me to leave him too! I think it's just too hard to stand up to everyone else that's a huge part of her life. He said most women stay where they are unhappy and are miserable for the rest of their lives. I believe that much is true- I saw my mother do that and I was determined I never would.
It wasn't a horrible marriage but for me it was unbearable because I wanted so much more!
I was just remarking on another thread the other day how it's a shame that we only look at the one side of a post. I imagine Mrs. Midlifecrazy might have a whole different POV.
While Mr. Midlifecrazy was "doing his time", I wonder if she was strictly enjoying the last 20 years. Clearly, she is the source of ALL of his discomfort in life. And while he was wasting the last 20 years for-the-sake-of-the kids, I wonder if she feels her years were wasted as well.
I'm sorry. I don't see how refusing to get f*cked up the a$$ makes her a prude or a bad wife. It appears she's been rear-ended regardless though, after having invested her good years in a marriage in which she was obviously found lacking.
I have to wonder if maybe there's some internet porn involved in all this. Personally, I think it tends to warp a person's sense of reality. And anyone who's not living their life doin' it kinky and freaky is labled a frigid prude.
If that's the case Midlifecrazy, you might consider taking a break from the on-line stuff for a while, at least until you've had a chance to evaluate your situation. Maybe you could talk all this over with a therapist before making any rash decisions. (????)
If you'd be happier divorced than married, chances are your wife would too. I know that I wouldn't want to live the rest of MY life with a man who thought so little of me.
Whatever you do, don't f*ck-up someone else's marriage just because you're unhappy with your own. Focusing on old flames and lost loves is a common coping mechinism for avoiding the REAL problems in life....problems that are unaddressed for want of a workable solution. After the real issues are solved the obsessive thoughts of other people usually resolve themselves.
I did my duty and have stayed until they were all raised and on their own.
Done your duty? What is this? You vowed until death do you part, your duty is far from done.
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But because of the kids I sucked it up, buckled down and served my time.
You're not in prison, life is what you make it. Not anyone else.
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The sex thing is a huge problem in our marriage.
Yours and countless others. But it's no excuse to cut and run, are you lazy by nature? All the bedroom problems you explained can be fixed. You just can't be lazy or selfish about it. You have to do some re-discovering with your ever changing wife. She also has to be an active participant to find that, "zone", again. If you can sit there and tell me that there never was a zone, yet you married her anyway, then you made you bed, you should lie in it and become a monk.
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Couple this with the fact that she's disrespectful and belittling of me, she's managed to squander every penny I ever earned, she's inconsiderate and she's let herself go physically and you begin to get the picture.
Sound like you've neglected to put your foot down, who's fault is that?
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I've never been unfaithful but that's going to change. I've made up my mind that she is not going to be the last woman I make love to,
Sound like you've already made up your mind. Come on, tell us the truth, you just want to hear us justify you future actions. Well, I'm not. If you sleep with someone else with just these very lame reasons you've posted, in my mind, your a low down cheater and deserve everything that will come your way.
Of course, MOI is going to tell you to divorce her. That's her style, if things aren't going you're way, you can always pack up and head out. That's ok if you don't give a care about honor and sticking to your commitments. I guess that's a dying breed anymore.
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"The conscience water saw it's maker, and blushed" - Water to Wine......
Just for clarification- I wasn't saying that she should do ANYTHING that he wanted to- only what she could do to please him.
We are only getting his side of the story and I know that. What bothered me was that he said she had to masturbate to get keyed up to have sex with him- to me that's like a man having to look at porn to get horny to have sex with his wife.
Both are wrong and sad.
Ok I'll try this in small segments this time. Bubbles you're right about the old flame being a comfort zone. Yes it's nice to fantasize about what might have been but that's not helping the current situation. Beajsea and Moimeme are also correct. I have no idea whether she would even remember me let alone be interested at all. It's possible that it meant more to me that to her. Also she's undoubtedly changed some over the years. She may have become someone I would no longer be interested in. Best to leave that alone, I guess but "we'll always have Paris".
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Clearly, she is the source of ALL of his discomfort in life. And while he was wasting the last 20 years for-the-sake-of-the kids, I wonder if she feels her years were wasted as well. 
I don't see how refusing to get f*cked up the a$$ makes her a prude or a bad wife. It appears she's been rear-ended regardless though, after having invested her good years in a marriage in which she was obviously found lacking.
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