Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
Hi... I need some feedback. About 2 weeks ago my husband told me he was going out for a drink with a friend, which I'm ok with. Once in a while its needed. I was waiting up for him like a usually do. Around 1:30am I called his cell and there was no answer. Strange, the bar he usually goes to he hears his phone, so I tried another 2 times and there was no answer. About 3am he came home, as soon as he walked in the door i smelled womens Perfume. I asked him where did u go, and he told me the local bar. I said ok... nothing of it. But I kept smelling the perfume. He goes into the shower like he normally does becuase he went out straight after work. After his shower he went to bed and I went into the Hamper and the crotch of his jeans smelled like perfume. I calmly went into the bedroom and asked him again where he was and he kept saying the local bar. I asked him if he was lying to me and he said no, so then I told him that I would call the wife of the friend he was with. Once I said that he said that after the local bar, hes friend went home and him and another guy he was with went to a strip joint. I went and got his pants to make him smell the crotch and flipped out. He said he had a few lap dances. What the hell a few is, I don't know. He said it was the first time he actually went there. And said on his way home he really felt like a degenerate. He has been to Strip Joints and gotten lap dances before when he goes to Bachlor parties which doesn't bother me. I AM SO PISSED! and hurt. Sitting home 7 months pregnant waiting for my husband to come home!! I haven't stopped crying, It has been 2 weeks and I don't know what to do, I have only spoke to him once since the fight and i was cursing him out crying hysterical and he said he only had a few lap dances, he swears he didn't get laid and hes sorry he hurt me. But i don't know what to do, I can't get passed it. I feel like i can't trust him anymore and it Hurts.
Also, I have the clothes saved. I'm trying to figure out exactly what happened at the strip club. His underwears were clean, the crotch of his pants and only the crotch smelled like the whores perfume and the chest area of his sweater smelled liked it too.
Hey, I'm on your side, but there's one thing I can't quite figure out. Maybe I'm missing something here, but why are you so PO'd at him this particular time, when you're ok with him getting lap dances at bachelor parties and strip clubs? I don't really see what the difference is. I'm not saying that what happened is your fault, but personally I think that if you advocate him getting the odd lapdance at a bachelor party, then you're advocating him getting lapdances in general. At least that's the way he's going to see it. Unless the two of you had previously agreed upon some rules as to when things like lapdances are ok, then he probably doesn't think he's doing anything that bad. The fact that he doesn't seem to have anything to say for himself, apart from "I felt like a degenerate" further confirms my suspicions.
Actually, I'm surprised he hasn't tried to defend himself at all or try and smooth things over. You'd think someone involved in what appears to be an otherwise happy marriage - with a baby on the way - would at least try and treat the situation (not to mention his wife) with a little sensitivity and respect. I'm not saying that he should lie point-blank about getting those lapdances, but to come home reeking of perfume at 3am and then ignoring you for two weeks?! That's just a bit much...
I'm also extremely surprised he hasn't tried to convince you that he got those lapdances because he felt "neglected" due to your heavily pregnant state. That's the typical excuse given. If you and he discuss what happened, then i'd arm myself and be ready for that one, if I were you. It may be true to a degree that he felt neglected, but it's also a massive cop-out used to pull the wool over your eyes and make you feel sorry for him. Boo Hoo. He feels neglected for a few months. So what? That's no excuse to go and cheat on his wife and lie to her. The only thing he feels 'neglected' of is your pre-pregnancy body and satisfying sex. In which case he shouldn't have gotten you pregnant in the first place. Eejit. Obviously he didn't pay enough attention in sex-ed classes to realise that when women get pregnant, their bodies change.
Sorry, i don't really have any useful suggestions for you at this stage. Keep us posted ok? Take care.
The lap dance itself is not that important, maybe she's ok with that like before but the lying is the real issue here.
If it was 'no big deal' he wouldn't have lied about it, and now of course you don't know if he had sex with her or other women, or if he will in the future.
Well what can I say you have two choices stay with him and forgive him or break up, but he's clearly not trustworthy
I have to agree, its the lying that's the issue.
My husband and I used to work together and a group of guys were going to have a bachelor party and insisted on asking me if my husband could go, but went on and on that they were NOT going to a strip club. Well, my husband told the truth. The other guys all said their wives would be mad and so they also lied to me.
My whole thing was, I don't mind strip clubs, go all you want, but if you feel you have to lie, then you are doing something wrong.
Honesty is the backbone of any relationship and to have to drag it out of him is not good.
Can you sit down and tell him this is your issue? You feel that by lying, now you don't know what else he's hiding?
My husband hasn't ignored me for the past 2 weeks he has actually tried to talk to me but i can't talk to him cause I fall into tears.
The whole thing with him going to strip clubs at a bachlor party is different in my situation. I allow it cause he goes with people i know. And he tells me about it. I would never let him go with people that I don't agree on. I assume he feels that he did nothing wrong and thinks that I think he got "LAID" because of the way I was so hurt by it. But if you did nothing wrong, why lie about it.
Then I start to think, how many times before has he gone and I just never caught him? Now if he ever tells me hes going out for drinks after work, I'm never going to believe him nor trust him and I don't want to be that way.
I also start to doubt myself... Maybe its the pregnancy, would i feel the same way if I wasn't pregnant?
He probably tried to lie about it because he knew his timing was horrendous. He probably went on a lark. Then in retrospect realized that, although you don't mind him going sometimes, the context has a lot to do with it. You should not go to strip clubs right after you get married and you shouldn't go while your wife is 7 months pregnant...at least I wouldn't..those are times when you should be only focused on your wife. He probably feels like an idiot and a jerk.
But after two weeks, I think it may be time to stop assuming the worst, to suck it up even if you are still a bit upset, and give him a chance to make it up to you by being nice?
I know the night he went out his intentions weren't to go to a strip joint and that night he said he felt like a degenerate. But i'm not gonna sit here and feel sorry for him. He can sleep at night, I can't.
He is being nice, I have a 3 year old daughter... For the first week my husband slept on the couch. I didn't ask him too But i guess he felt he should give me the space. Which also in a way made me feel like he didn't want to be next to me... which i'm sure isn't the reason. But every night when my daughter would wake up, he would run and get her, he makes me sleep in every morning. I guess in his own little world he is trying. The other night he attempted to talk to me and said let discuss but i really can't. Not with out bursting into tears. I just feel betrayed! I can't even look at him in his eyes with out feeling pain. Tonight will be exactly 2 weeks. I wish I was over it instead of feeling this way.
The whole thing with him going to strip clubs at a bachlor party is different in my situation. I allow it cause he goes with people i know. And he tells me about it. I would never let him go with people that I don't agree on
Sorry but I think it's a little naive of you to assume that, just because he's at a bachelor party with people you know, he'll behave himself. Who are these people you know? His mates?? Do you think they feel so much loyalty towards YOU that they'd dob one of their close friends in? Remember the bachelor party code of silence - basically, anything goes.
I assume he feels that he did nothing wrong and thinks that I think he got "LAID" because of the way I was so hurt by it. But if you did nothing wrong, why lie about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CATENZA
Then I start to think, how many times before has he gone and I just never caught him?
The number of times he's bothered to make a quick detour to the 24-hour "while-u-wait" drycleaning place before coming home to you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CATENZA
I also start to doubt myself... Maybe its the pregnancy, would i feel the same way if I wasn't pregnant?
Ha! I'm a totally different person to you, my set of circumstances are totally different to yours, in a country that's a million miles away from where you are. And I can still guarantee you that if my SO was acting like yours, then I'd feel exactly like you do now - and I'm not pregnant...at least I hope I'm not!
And you can be over it Catenza, being over it is a state of mind. You choose to believe that he genuinely made a mistake and is sorry or you choose not to believe him and move on from there.
I think it's the fact that he lied that especially hurts...and I agree with you, he should be upfront.
Tell him that he has betrayed your trust and that if he had only told you the truth, the next time he goes out you wouldn't be so paranoid and worried about it (which I'm sure you will be). Set him some boundaries: i.e. I don't want you seeing that friend/having lapdances/going out as it's unnacceptable in my relationship with you.
And then - MOVE ON. You've got enough on your plate with your pregnancy than thinking about lap dances.
[quote=Carbine;1079081]Sorry but I think it's a little naive of you to assume that, just because he's at a bachelor party with people you know, he'll behave himself. Who are these people you know? His mates?? Do you think they feel so much loyalty towards YOU that they'd dob one of their close friends in? Remember the bachelor party code of silence - basically, anything goes.
My husband is best friends with my guy cousins. So when they go to bachlor parties they are always together. My cousins/family would never have him hurt me. They are very over protective.
I also feel so helpless because i'm pregnant. I know its immature but Let me go out and hump a man!
And you can be over it Catenza, being over it is a state of mind. You choose to believe that he genuinely made a mistake and is sorry or you choose not to believe him and move on from there.
This is the only constructive choice. In my post earlier I didn't mean to say that you were wrong for being mad or that you should feel sorry for him or anything like that. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that you have to admit they were right, or that they didn't do anything wrong. It means that you accept they did something wrong but move on.
From what you said it definitely sounds like he is trying to make it up to you. I think it was alright that you showed him you were upset - I'm sure he has gotten that message after 2 weeks - but that can't go on forever. Letting him apologize and forgiving him is a good idea...not talking and projecting your speculation onto him, like whether he has lied before and you didn't catch him, is a bad idea.
I do think that you both need to talk about this. I don't know your H so I can't say what he's been doing but IMO he had no business doing that. I'd be upset regardless if I was pregnant or not.
Quote:
From what you said it definitely sounds like he is trying to make it up to you. I think it was alright that you showed him you were upset - I'm sure he has gotten that message after 2 weeks - but that can't go on forever. Letting him apologize and forgiving him is a good idea...not talking and projecting your speculation onto him, like whether he has lied before and you didn't catch him, is a bad idea.
Yes I agree.
Last edited by VinaAmez; 7th February 2007 at 3:43 PM..
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Pregnant And Husband Gets Lapdance
Linear Mode
