LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

Ex AP got in touch with me


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree230Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 5th October 2017, 4:10 PM   #46
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 1,459
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
But, you are a person that said "I will always love my AP"....just saying


OP point is a lot of times the AP gets the blameshift more so than the WS & I agree...example a BS that goes on & on about how awful OM or OW is but when asked why they stay with their spouse "well I love them". Ive heard this personally so many times from multiple BS...in cases like that, i believe the BS is really upset that they were too weak to leave & in denial that their spouse is just as bad if not worse than the AP. At the end of the day, the WS is just as awful as the AP but IMO worse bc they were the ones that looked their BS in the eye & lied. Which I completely owned up to when confessing my own A.

I'll always take a 100% of the blame for what I did bc I can't put blame on anyone for stepping out of my marriage but me. OM did not make me do anything I didn't fully volunteer for...so to answer your question. Yep, I'll always care for my AP bc I don't hold him accountable for my actions. It was ALL my decision, just as I don't hold my H OW bc it was all his choice to do what he did...& He shouldn't blame her for his own actions either.

Last edited by Whoknew30; 5th October 2017 at 4:13 PM.. Reason: Spell check
Whoknew30 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th October 2017, 4:22 PM   #47
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,966
In essence what you're saying is you didn't cause him to have an affair ... and proof of that is that he's gone on to another OW after you.

You're absolutely right. It's not your fault he had an affair. He's the kind of man that would have had an affair anyway ... with anybody.


Now he sniggers and laughs because be believes she's obsessed with you, meanwhile he's got himself another OW.

Congratulations to him on securing another woman willing to be used by him.

He called you to rub it in
your face and you have him the time of day.

Next time, just shut him down and let him know you aren't interested in his marriage or his affairs.
__________________
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th October 2017, 4:41 PM   #48
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 680
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
Oh I regret ever meeting him. Not struggling with that. I wasn't the one that cheated on anyone. I never want to be involved with a MM ever again and I will hate him and basically any one who cheats from now on. Actually hate isn't a strong enough word. Cheaters destroy lives and I hate that I was a part of his deception.
How can you hate all cheaters, given the fact that you were married when your affair started? Don't you deserve the chance to have an an honest relationship, one that doesn't start with deception? I think your continuing focus on ex-mm and his wife is detrimental to your healing.
BTDT2012 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 5:01 AM   #49
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 531
He has the title for ‘Absolute Azzclown’ for this week...

It must be so tough for you hearing about all this nuisense, why do you need to get this useless info from him?. Next time just talk legal and if he starts any of this extra talk just say ‘ I aont got time for this shiit, I have way better things to do’...
freengreen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th October 2017, 2:14 AM   #50
Established Member
 
sweet_pea's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: The South
Posts: 805
so what happens if his wife finds out that you two had contact? i understand that there is a contract (or something to that effect that is legally binding) that says you two are to have no contact. If this is broken, and say she reports both of you, what happens?
__________________
Never build your happiness off of someone else's pain.
sweet_pea is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2017, 1:23 PM   #51
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 356
No Contact with exAP not necessary

I read often on spouses advocating for no contact for life of the wayward spouse and their past affair partners. I believe all that does is create a secret longing to know how the exAP is and actually could intensify feelings. I guess that is what happened to me. Though I'm no longer married, his wife wanted him to never contact me again and we went through a legal mess and included a no contact. Fast forward 8 months and exAP now contacted me. At first I thought this was everything I had been hoping for but I have quickly learned he is nothing like who I thought he was. I have lost all desire for him and he seems more like a stranger. I think once an affair is done, it's done. I think if we could have remained in contact, he would have been able to focus on his marriage more rather than the sudden loss of his AP by not allowing it to end naturally. It might make a spouse feel better if there isn't contact but all it does is drag out hidden feelings for the AP. It might be different in some instances but forcing two people apart never works.
Ahurtgirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2017, 1:32 PM   #52
Established Member
 
BarbedFenceRider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Southwest
Posts: 209
Huh?! You destroyed a household and relationship, but you feel to remain in contact and continue the A would have been better for the wife? Did I read that wrong?
BarbedFenceRider is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2017, 1:37 PM   #53
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 4,083
Wow NOOOOO...

It's not about you, it's not about his longing. It's not about you two.

Here is how it goes. When someone chooses their marriage, and they really actually want to fix their marriage (and not just keep on cheating) the affair partner gets dropped like a bad habit - because that is exactly what they are.

I never talked to my affair partner ever again after D day. He was a mistake - I redirected all my attention to my husband, and HIS healing. It wasn't about me, and I certainly didn't give a damn about my AP. It was time to focus on my husband.

Continuing to contact my AP would have been continuing my betrayal and disrespect - NOT OKAY.

On Day day people need to set their priorities straight. If they decide to save their marriage, all their energy needs to go to their spouse, and the AP simply doesn't matter any more.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2017, 1:39 PM   #54
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,901
My understanding is that no contact is not really intended to be something "imposed" by a betrayed spouse. Although, some spouses may ask for this as a condition during reconciliation, which would not be unreasonable.

No contact is a decision that a person makes to end contact because the relationship is done. The purpose would be to shift attention, allow for healing, and promote accountability.

In other words, no contact is not about the other person, it is about YOU!
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2017, 1:49 PM   #55
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 77
Ahurtgirl.

After reading some of your post, my sincerest wish is that one day, the sun rises and you see a new day, free from the destruction of those who caused you damage.

Rise above the husband that never was and the MM that never should have been.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 1st November 2017 at 1:52 PM..
Cullenbohannon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2017, 2:42 PM   #56
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 356
Nope, no family was destroyed in both his or mine. He literally uses women to improve his marriage. I talked with his wife and she liked how it felt to have her husband wanted by other women (plural... he has had other women on the side besides me). My point was that even though he has a new affair partner, he had a hard time letting memories of us go because it ended abruptly. Had it of died a natural death, HE could have focused on his marriage rather than jumping into yet another affair. Just his words, not mine. Wives don't seem to understand this! You think you can control him and make demands but all it does is make you husband turn to yet another new woman and you might not learn of the new one and think he's working on the marriage when he's not.
Ahurtgirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2017, 2:51 PM   #57
Established Member
 
BarbedFenceRider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Southwest
Posts: 209
You wrote that the wife said NC to end the relationship... Was this a 3 way deal that ended up a 2 way with you on the outside???
BarbedFenceRider is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2017, 2:53 PM   #58
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 4,083
Hurtgirl,

This situation you keep describing, and these “wisdoms” you pass along….

Are not rational, nor logical, nor should be set out as an example for others to abide by.

Its safe to say its an atypical $h1tshow.

For MOST couples, No Contact is the way to go.

His man had other women before you, and had women after you. It has nothing to do with no contact or his wife’s supposed control over him.

It does say a lot about how easily he manipulates you, and lies to all of those around him though.

Do yourself a favor – you need to go no contact as well, that includes wasting mental energy on that man, his marriage, and whatever advice you think the rest of us need based upon your bizarre experience.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2017, 2:53 PM   #59
Established Member
 
BarbedFenceRider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Southwest
Posts: 209
You answered before I got my last post out...Got it.. Wow.
BarbedFenceRider is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st November 2017, 3:32 PM   #60
Established Member
 
World's.Edge's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 172
Ahurtgirl you're painting with broad strokes here. Your former married douchebag reaching out to you isn't an indication that No Contact "creates a secret longing to know how the exAP is and actually could intensify feelings".

It shows that he, specifically, is a self-involved child who has zero empathy and no impulse control. Him reaching out to you isn't about you or him having "a hard time letting memories of you two go", it's about him, all about him, more about him and his disfunctions.

Men and women who do cheat and are genuinely remorseful for their behaviour and decisions wouldn't behave the way he has. They grow from the experience and mature. No Contact wouldn't be an issue and their thoughts and focus wouldn't linger with those idiotic enough to engage in an affair with them.

You'd honeslty have to be delusional to think you're the only one (of his former affair partners or those with potential to be) that he has reached out to with the same tired nonsense.

Adulterers tend to be accomplished, pathological liars, often times to themselves. Not sure why you would believe anything that he says. It may not be evident to you but his wife also has her own issues, many likely due to the repeated trauma of her husband's infidelities. It does something to someone, no matter how they might appear outward or conduct themselves. You may not think that you destroyed a family, or your part in it may not seem significant considering that you're just one in a line of people he has cheated with, but you did destroy a little bit of her and those that this has affected.

Last edited by World's.Edge; 1st November 2017 at 3:35 PM..
World's.Edge is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Getting in touch MrTedd Breaks and Breaking Up 14 29th December 2012 2:39 PM
when a guy says 'keep in touch' ashbee Dating 5 20th April 2011 3:17 PM
Men who keep in touch after Groovy Dating 12 7th January 2005 6:51 PM
Why won't he touch me?! Jilly10340 Dating 18 21st November 2004 1:31 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:23 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.