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Struggling to find the truth


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 22nd July 2017, 12:01 PM   #61
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Unhappy

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Originally Posted by rumblefish12 View Post
Scout -- it gets easier, then hard, then easier. But the rollercoaster tends in the easier direction. There will be low points. I'm having one today.

It's funny because I always here the AP saying, I wonder if he still thinks about me. Well, as a the MM AP to my MW AP, I can say emphatically, "YES!" But it doesn't change anything. When you are pining for them in NC, you really really have to ask yourself if you are resolute. The resolve needs to be there because you might get challenged. I've failed the challenge many times, and it has never improved. Don't fail. Hang in there. It gets easier.
I don't know how to respond directly to a poster,so I quoted your post rumblefish so you would see it. Anyway, sorry you were having a rough day yesterday. I hope today is better. Weekends tend to be easier because we'd rarely communicate on weekends, plus I'm not sitting at my boring job ruminating!

I do wonder if he thinks about me, or if he is just focused on his job and home life now. Maybe it doesn't matter.
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Old 24th July 2017, 8:50 AM   #62
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I don't know how to respond directly to a poster,so I quoted your post rumblefish so you would see it. Anyway, sorry you were having a rough day yesterday. I hope today is better. Weekends tend to be easier because we'd rarely communicate on weekends, plus I'm not sitting at my boring job ruminating!

I do wonder if he thinks about me, or if he is just focused on his job and home life now. Maybe it doesn't matter.
Hi Scout: Thanks for your kind words. The weekend was better overall. I agree that sitting at a desk job gives you lots of time to stew. lol. We were the same way and not much communication on weekends. But Sunday nights was a regular thing, so sometimes I get a little uneasy on Sunday nights. It kinda cuts both ways. I miss her but I also feel a sense of gratitude for being rid of the anxiety and guilt (not totally of course) and internal conflict. That sense of gratitude is slowly taking up more space and the missing is taking up less space. I'm looking forward for that trend to continue. Here's to a great week for all of us.
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Old 24th July 2017, 11:16 AM   #63
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Thanks

Thanks rumblefish and everyone. A bit of a struggle today. Feeling weepy and mad at myself at the same time. He's probably happily going on with his life laughing at me, if he even thinks about me at all.

I am that you are making good progress and moving forward, rumble fish. I hope I get there soon. It helps to talk to a MM, so thank you. I hope I can repay the favor.
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Old 24th July 2017, 12:11 PM   #64
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Thanks rumblefish and everyone. A bit of a struggle today. Feeling weepy and mad at myself at the same time. He's probably happily going on with his life laughing at me, if he even thinks about me at all.

I am that you are making good progress and moving forward, rumble fish. I hope I get there soon. It helps to talk to a MM, so thank you. I hope I can repay the favor.
Scout - that's gonna happen, bad days. If he's anything like me, it's not like that. He's not forgetting, but he may be trying hard to move on. And that's what you both need to do. It's a struggle for MM as well. I hope that provides some comfort without raising hopes that things will rekindle. Don't go there. You're going to be fine. You'll be better than before for having gone through this and come out the other side. Stay the course.
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Old 24th July 2017, 12:38 PM   #65
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Thanks, rumble fish. You actually seem like a decent guy. I am not so sure about my "MM." He hurt me, but he doesn't even know. Probably doesn't care. I guess I'm feeling angry that he got to say his piece but I didn't.
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Old 24th July 2017, 2:17 PM   #66
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Thanks, rumble fish. You actually seem like a decent guy. I am not so sure about my "MM." He hurt me, but he doesn't even know. Probably doesn't care. I guess I'm feeling angry that he got to say his piece but I didn't.
Scout, you know the 5 stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. They don't always occur in a perfect line, but being angry is part of the healing. You hear it a lot on here, that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. That's where you want to be. Not hoping for the opportunity to rip him a new one, but where you could give a f--- whether he's in the room or not. You'll get there believe or not.

And I might seem like a decent guy, but I bet my AP would say something else. If pressed she might say that fundamentally I'm a decent guy, but she'd have many other choice words for me before getting to decent. It's all a matter of context. I think we all lose part of ourselves in an A.
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Old 24th July 2017, 8:55 PM   #67
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Originally Posted by rumblefish12 View Post
Scout, you know the 5 stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. They don't always occur in a perfect line, but being angry is part of the healing. You hear it a lot on here, that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. That's where you want to be. Not hoping for the opportunity to rip him a new one, but where you could give a f--- whether he's in the room or not. You'll get there believe or not.

And I might seem like a decent guy, but I bet my AP would say something else. If pressed she might say that fundamentally I'm a decent guy, but she'd have many other choice words for me before getting to decent. It's all a matter of context. I think we all lose part of ourselves in an A.
Well I have some choice words for my AP/MM, too. But I think you at least have remorse and are trying to do the right thing. And I think you do care about your AP, too. But what do I know? I thought my MM/AP cared about me too.

I'm not sure I will ever get to the place where I feel indifferent.

And thanks again for listening. I am sorry to monopolize your time and that of this board, but it does help to talk it out.
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Old 25th July 2017, 8:52 AM   #68
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Well I have some choice words for my AP/MM, too. But I think you at least have remorse and are trying to do the right thing. And I think you do care about your AP, too. But what do I know? I thought my MM/AP cared about me too.

I'm not sure I will ever get to the place where I feel indifferent.

And thanks again for listening. I am sorry to monopolize your time and that of this board, but it does help to talk it out.

Hi scout, just finished reading through your thread. Sorry you are going through a rough time. I'm a MM and OW too so I can relate to you and rumblefish on some level.

I know it's hard when you don't know what the other person is thinking and why they are choosing to stay silent. I've been through the whole push/pull, trying to do the right thing but being drawn in thing, and it's hard and it hurts. There are so many conflicting emotions when it comes to affairs. The times that we've had a break, it wasn't easy but I held back in order to work on myself, my marriage, and to give myself a break from all of the emotions that come from being in an A. For MM, the times he has been silent weren't easy for him but he's pulled away for similar reasons I have.

All that to say, if your MM showed care and concern towards you I would think that he genuinely felt it at the moment. And who knows why he hasn't reached out. Maybe it's because he's a jerk, maybe he's been busy, maybe he wants to forget about the whole thing, maybe he wants to focus on his marriage.... There's just really no way of knowing. Take this as an opportunity to think about what you want from your life and who you want to be. Affairs take so much from everyone involved... There is so much destruction in them. Despite this I hope we can all use it as an opportunity to grow and learn... I'm trying to sort myself out from this mess and will be for a long long while. You are not alone. Hang in there!!
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Old 25th July 2017, 1:45 PM   #69
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Well I have some choice words for my AP/MM, too. But I think you at least have remorse and are trying to do the right thing. And I think you do care about your AP, too. But what do I know? I thought my MM/AP cared about me too.

I'm not sure I will ever get to the place where I feel indifferent.

And thanks again for listening. I am sorry to monopolize your time and that of this board, but it does help to talk it out.
Scout -- don't worry about monopolizing anyone's time. That's why we are all here. It helps to answer your questions as well as look for answers myself. Hang in there and don't be afraid to post.
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Old 25th July 2017, 7:34 PM   #70
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Thank you BlueSky and Rumblefish. Been meaning to reply all day. It really does help to listen to your stories and get different perspectives. I cried today because I feel so frustrated. I feel like I have no control over anything. I think I might be particularly upset this week because the last time I saw him in June (for 10 minutes) he said he would be in town the last week of July. And in his last texts he said he "looked forward to having coffee very soon."
So again, he's in control and leaves me hanging. I just want to confront him face to face instead of through texts. He's the one who contacted me last time. Anyway, I appreciate the support. I'm going to an event tomorrow with people from his industry and company (my old company), so that should be interesting. Maybe I'll get some insight into what a jerk he really is. His professional reputation is very important to him. I'm not going to say anything of course!! That makes me look bad. But I can't help wanting to get a little revenge!! (Don't worry, I'll be good!)
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Old 26th July 2017, 8:54 AM   #71
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I can see how it would be a hard week for you since you know he's around and keeping silent. But you are not reaching either, so you do have control in that regard. Keep busy this week. Keep your mind and your schedule busy, and hopefully that will make the time pass quicker.

What do you hope to accomplish while you're in NC? I think being NC is that right thing to do, but I think deeper motives need to be driving it.
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Old 26th July 2017, 12:42 PM   #72
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What do you hope to accomplish while you're in NC? I think being NC is that right thing to do, but I think deeper motives need to be driving it.
That's a good question. We never specifically set a NC policy. I still don't really understand how we left things. Whether he'd contact me or not. A lot of ambiguity. I feel calmer being off the emotional roller coaster of when I'd hear from him or if when I would text if it would go through. That made me anxious. So that's better. I don't know for sure if he is in town, his travel schedule changes frequently. Still, it would hurt if I knew he was here and he didn't contact me.
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Old 26th July 2017, 11:12 PM   #73
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That's a good question. We never specifically set a NC policy. I still don't really understand how we left things. Whether he'd contact me or not. A lot of ambiguity. I feel calmer being off the emotional roller coaster of when I'd hear from him or if when I would text if it would go through. That made me anxious. So that's better. I don't know for sure if he is in town, his travel schedule changes frequently. Still, it would hurt if I knew he was here and he didn't contact me.
Even though you never set an NC policy, it seems to me that you are intentionally choosing not to reach out. I'm just wondering why that is and what you hope to accomplish by not doing so.

Did you go to your event today? How did that go?
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Old 27th July 2017, 6:50 AM   #74
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Hey Scoutjr,

I've been out of town and am just catching up with the threads I had been following. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. There is so much I can relate to in your story - we both have those uncertainties and doubts that come with being the OW during what we think is probably the final push in the push/pull cycle, but neither of our MAPs did us the favor of really making that clear.


I'm pulling for you, and always reading along when/if you need "ears" here.
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Old 29th July 2017, 10:01 PM   #75
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So... I gave in.
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