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Not every OW is 'waiting'


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White Flower

Just thought I'd discuss what is really going on and how things have changed, both here and in my life...for those who expressed interest.

 

I am not back with xMM. He has issues (obviously) and I will not be in a R of any kind with him unless and if he can work those issues out. I do talk with him but am not seeing him. If you want to call that a R be my guest.

 

In the meantime I am dating, back in school, work full time, volunteer, work on home improvements, and am surrounded by a wealth of family and friends. Life is good.

 

xMM has been in IC and has retained a lawyer; in case you doubt it I have the electronic receipt. I will not go with him to his IC, even though I have recently been invited again, until I see the growth that I need to see for myself. I will not hold his hand through is FOO issues as long as he is technically M. People say the OW puts up with crumbs but not this one. He can eat MY crumbs.

 

I am not reformed nor do I believe I did anything wrong; it is not my responsibility to save the M of a woman I do not know. Nor is it the responsibility of any woman. I do not blame my exH's new W for seducing him while we were still M nor do I hold her responsible in any way. She and I are great friends now and do things together separately from my ex. That happens when you have good people skills. And I recognize when two people are right for each other as is the case for my exH and his new W.

 

I have waved the white flag to BW and invited her to call me any time she wants the truth because I have never wanted anything hidden. Believe what you like but I am an open book.

 

I do not post all day on any site, yet there are sites I visit. I left LS for a couple years because I was too busy to post. Same with other sites. Look at the stats if you have the time. I don't. I even stepped down as mod on a site due to the time constraints I have. Today I have a bit of time, so I am posting today.

 

And lastly, let's talk about love. How anyone can blast people for loving someone is beyond me. Why is it ok for a BW to love a jerk but not the OW? Why is it not ok to expect growth from a lover from the viewpoint of the OW instead of the BW? Who says M makes the love correct? If you need to believe that, be my guest. I won't force my beliefs down your throat if you don't force yours down mine. But I've BTDT and I have plenty experience from both a long term M (it would have been 28 years this summer) and a long term A to know what love is and who I need to be in a R with. FTR, it may or may not be with xMM (see above requirements).

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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White Flower
It's everyone's responsibility to do no harm to others, whether we know them or not.

 

 

Thank God I don't understand your thinking because I would hate to not care about others.

 

The more I read about unrepentant OW, the happier I am to be me.

 

Tell me BOTR,

 

If As are so harmful then why does the BW keep taking him back? If she is willing to "harm" herself then why is her pain then my responsibility?

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OP, even though you apparently are not 'with him', have you foreclosed being open to attraction to others during this time? I ask because you titled the thread as 'not every OW is waiting'.

 

I recall, back during my 20's, the 'waiting' issue did, in my case, to some degree foreclose being open to others, perhaps causing me to pass over otherwise healthy relations. I've experimented more recently with the emotional components, after having learned a lot in MC, and can clearly visualize the emotional change and how it impacts the view of and feelings about other potentials. Interesting stuff.

 

Anyway, hope everything works out.

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ComingInHot

whiteflower, I get the part where you are "sharing" your feelings and the current events of your life. And that's just great for you.

 

Question though... the slew of questions at the bottom, are those rhetorical? :confused:

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If you're not waiting, and you're not in an A...do you still self-identify as a non-waiting OW...if so, why?

 

I guess to be honest, I don't get it. The A ended and my life moved on and my stint as an OW and identification as such ended when the A ended. It's hard for me to understand someone who is no longer in the A still being defensive about it and feeling the need to explain it all the time.

 

I don't know what you mean by if marriage makes love correct...um technically yes lol. One cannot be in the wrong for loving one's spouse. That's exactly how marriage works...it is correct to love your spouse as a married person. It may not be "incorrect" for an OW to love a MM...but as we see...it sure makes your life complicated and for me, that's how I judge what's right. ANY relationship which requires hiding, deceit on one or both people's part, a 3rd unaware party, constant defense and explanations etc. is one that I can do without and is probably a red flag that one should halt.

 

A BW loving a jerk and an OW loving a jerk...neither are better...both love jerks and if the jerk isn't making a choice and changing for the better yet both want to hold on to this jerk...both need to reassess.

 

I think it's silly for OW in the midst of an A to use the rhetoric of people blasting them for love. It's really making a false argument. No one hates love. A pedophile saying people are blasting love because people criticize them for loving children and acting on it is being ridiculous and using love as the issue when it isn't. Likewise an OW saying people blasting them for love is also ignoring the bigger picture and what people dislike and putting love in its place. I don't worship marriage or most people's false ideas about love. If your "love" is a secret, filled with drama, hurting others etc. I cannot respect it. People hate the lies, duplicity, hurt on kids and families, etc. that an A brings...and when people don't understand that, it boggles my mind, because even as an OW, I knew this. I didn't think the love itself was wrong, it was the love in that kind of circumstance which was destructive. Love needs to come with the right circumstances or it can be a force for more hurt than good.

 

Anyway: good for you for not being with xMM as he's working his issues out and I do hope you find what you need in a R, without the complications, drama and unnecessary hurt an A brings.

Edited by MissBee
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whichwayisup
Tell me BOTR,

 

If As are so harmful then why does the BW keep taking him back? If she is willing to "harm" herself then why is her pain then my responsibility?

 

Reverse this and ask yourself why you kept taking him back after so many d-days. You have your reasons, she has hers.

 

The whole dynamic, you and him, him and her, the up's and down's, roller coaster ride, the pain, the good, the bad, the high's - All that is addictive behaviour, and you all are used to it, so nobody wants to give up forever.

 

You may not be waiting for him, but on some level you are. Sure, you're living life but in the back of your mind and in your heart you'll not be able to fully commit to another man because of him and his indecision, his going back and forth.

 

She is his wife and right/wrong, has chosen to stay married and keep on forgiving him. You've chosen to hang on, then let go. Who knows what the future will bring and maybe that's why you're still in LC with him. Not a deep hope, but enough to make him still be on your radar.

 

If I'm totally off base and wrong, do let me know eh! ;)

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White Flower
OP, even though you apparently are not 'with him', have you foreclosed being open to attraction to others during this time? I ask because you titled the thread as 'not every OW is waiting'.

 

I recall, back during my 20's, the 'waiting' issue did, in my case, to some degree foreclose being open to others, perhaps causing me to pass over otherwise healthy relations. I've experimented more recently with the emotional components, after having learned a lot in MC, and can clearly visualize the emotional change and how it impacts the view of and feelings about other potentials. Interesting stuff.

 

Anyway, hope everything works out.

Thank you carhill.

 

xMM and I went a long time in NC and in that time I dated others. I even had two short term Rs that were fun and meaningful but not as fulfilling. Time helps, that's true, as well as being open to others, but when your feelings are unmatched at the time of contact, well, I don't know what to do about that. So far all reassessments have shown a deep connection that is unmatched.

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White Flower
Her reasons are none of your business.

As they are none of yours.

 

Back on topic please.

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White Flower
whiteflower, I get the part where you are "sharing" your feelings and the current events of your life. And that's just great for you.

 

Question though... the slew of questions at the bottom, are those rhetorical? :confused:

 

Is that really your question? Cause it's not OT.

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White Flower
If you're not waiting, and you're not in an A...do you still self-identify as a non-waiting OW...if so, why?

 

I guess to be honest, I don't get it. The A ended and my life moved on and my stint as an OW and identification as such ended when the A ended. It's hard for me to understand someone who is no longer in the A still being defensive about it and feeling the need to explain it all the time.

 

I don't know what you mean by if marriage makes love correct...um technically yes lol. One cannot be in the wrong for loving one's spouse. That's exactly how marriage works...it is correct to love your spouse as a married person. It may not be "incorrect" for an OW to love a MM...but as we see...it sure makes your life complicated and for me, that's how I judge what's right. ANY relationship which requires hiding, deceit on one or both people's part, a 3rd unaware party, constant defense and explanations etc. is one that I can do without and is probably a red flag that one should halt.

 

A BW loving a jerk and an OW loving a jerk...neither are better...both love jerks and if the jerk isn't making a choice and changing for the better yet both want to hold on to this jerk...both need to reassess.

 

I think it's silly for OW in the midst of an A to use the rhetoric of people blasting them for love. It's really making a false argument. No one hates love. A pedophile saying people are blasting love because people criticize them for loving children and acting on it is being ridiculous and using love as the issue when it isn't. Likewise an OW saying people blasting them for love is also ignoring the bigger picture and what people dislike and putting love in its place. I don't worship marriage or most people's false ideas about love. If your "love" is a secret, filled with drama, hurting others etc. I cannot respect it. People hate the lies, duplicity, hurt on kids and families, etc. that an A brings...and when people don't understand that, it boggles my mind, because even as an OW, I knew this. I didn't think the love itself was wrong, it was the love in that kind of circumstance which was destructive. Love needs to come with the right circumstances or it can be a force for more hurt than good.

 

Anyway: good for you for not being with xMM as he's working his issues out and I do hope you find what you need in a R, without the complications, drama and unnecessary hurt an A brings.

Ok, first of all I don't "identify" myself as an OW. I identify myself as mother, business owner, home owner, volunteer, friend, garner, artist, and lover.

 

The need to explain, that's a fair question. I love a jerk; BW loves a jerk, so why does her loving a jerk become validated and mine doesn't? He sought love because love for him died at home yet he stays. He stays for money, guilt, and comfort zone and I'm sorry but I don't respect that. I don't think it's right and though he's growing some ballz in IC I still think he's got zero integrity for being afraid to admit to her the real reasons he stays. I am the one demanding a healthier person out of this, she isn't because she likes the status quo to (she lost her best friend over this) yet the atmosphere here is that MRs are valid, hence healthy and ARs are not. I'm glad I believe in myself and I'm glad xMM's IC sees our R as the healthier R because if I thought this site was the be all end all of psychological authority I think I'd go crazy. (My apologies to the moderators who have to sift all the hostility out).

 

I never said it was incorrect by loving one's spouse. That is what I meant by critical thinking; I didn't want to have to defend things I did not say. What I meant was the mutual love. If one spouse is not in live, the overall integrity of the mutual love is hindered and therefore wrong. Some may be able to repair this but not likely most.

 

As for the non-waiting OW, I almost titled it fOW but decided against it. Semantics I guess. I am not an OW and I suppose there is a wait and see atmosphere, hence the assessments, but I don't wait for him. He knows I am dating and doesn't like it much but oh well.

 

I don't get the pedophile/OW comparison at all. With a pedophile there is a victim and a perpetrator and no third party, and in this case the OW always wanted the BW to know. Doesn't matter anyway, she'll keep him no matter how badly he hurts her. Still, that's on her, not on me.

 

I like your last statement because I do expect a healthy partner and no matter how much I love him I will not live with him until I see healthy improvements.

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White Flower
I dont get it. How is CIH asking about the questions YOU posed OT? Very odd.

 

Funny, I really don't get it either. :)

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White Flower
Reverse this and ask yourself why you kept taking him back after so many d-days. You have your reasons, she has hers.

 

The whole dynamic, you and him, him and her, the up's and down's, roller coaster ride, the pain, the good, the bad, the high's - All that is addictive behaviour, and you all are used to it, so nobody wants to give up forever.

 

You may not be waiting for him, but on some level you are. Sure, you're living life but in the back of your mind and in your heart you'll not be able to fully commit to another man because of him and his indecision, his going back and forth.

 

She is his wife and right/wrong, has chosen to stay married and keep on forgiving him. You've chosen to hang on, then let go. Who knows what the future will bring and maybe that's why you're still in LC with him. Not a deep hope, but enough to make him still be on your radar.

 

If I'm totally off base and wrong, do let me know eh! ;)

Hey WWIU!

 

My "taking him back" after any Dday is a non-issue because the discovery wasn't mine! In her mind he threw me under the bus; but my world went on as per usual. It cracks me up when I see BW and rOWs post that *I* took *him* back after Ddays. Think about it.

 

The thing about LC vs NC may be a misnomer. A good idea that should be tried, and I have, but let's think about that too. Any time we push things down they always have a way of resurfacing. It's true for love as well. I don't like that I love him, but I do.

Edited by White Flower
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whichwayisup

Okay, taking him back is the wrong wording.. How about putting up with so many d-days. To deal with the drama and pain, him wavering back and forth. He hurt you too.

 

Or allowing him back into your life. Sorry 2am thinking process, off kilter as i had a late coffee this evening!

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White Flower
Okay, taking him back is the wrong wording.. How about putting up with so many d-days. To deal with the drama and pain, him wavering back and forth. He hurt you too.

 

Or allowing him back into your life. Sorry 2am thinking process, off kilter as i had a late coffee this evening!

 

Shame on you for the late night coffee! (Though I'm always tempted to drink coffee late too):bunny:

 

Yes, there has been pain which is the reason I don't fall back into bed with him or spend any real time in person. If we did it would so be back on so I stay away.

 

My H caused me pain as well, but when he showed me a true desire to work things out I forgave and stayed. And I stayed until I realized our R was never going to grow or get healthier. With xMM I've seen some personal growth on his end and if I see more, coupled with the love we still proclaim to have, then I think there could be a chance for us.

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Your question is why is love a wife has for her husband considered acceptable, but not love an OW has for the MM. It's because the two people in the marriage promised to love each other and forsake all others. An OW's love undermines, damages, and destroys the marriage. It takes what was promised to another. What belongs to another. Your love for your MM is undermining and destroying the love the MM has for his wife whom he promised it to. Until he breaks that marital bond and ends his marriage, his love and fidelity is promised to his wife. Why is this so difficult to understand? The OW's love for the MM undermines/damages/destroys a marriage. It does incredible harm to the woman who was promised this man's love and faithfulness.

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Your question is why is love a wife has for her husband considered acceptable, but not love an OW has for the MM. It's because the two people in the marriage promised to love each other and forsake all others. An OW's love undermines, damages, and destroys the marriage. It takes what was promised to another. What belongs to another. Your love for your MM is undermining and destroying the love the MM has for his wife whom he promised it to. Until he breaks that marital bond and ends his marriage, his love and fidelity is promised to his wife. Why is this so difficult to understand? The OW's love for the MM undermines/damages/destroys a marriage. It does incredible harm to the woman who was promised this man's love and faithfulness.

 

So, if the MM and the OW promised to love each other and forsake all others, which many MM and OW do promise to each other, then that is OK? And more so if the MM does actually forsake the BW, whatever form that takes?

 

There you go, WF, you have official permission to consider your R blessed and acceptable :)

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Your question is why is love a wife has for her husband considered acceptable, but not love an OW has for the MM. It's because the two people in the marriage promised to love each other and forsake all others. An OW's love undermines, damages, and destroys the marriage. It takes what was promised to another. What belongs to another. Your love for your MM is undermining and destroying the love the MM has for his wife whom he promised it to. Until he breaks that marital bond and ends his marriage, his love and fidelity is promised to his wife. Why is this so difficult to understand? The OW's love for the MM undermines/damages/destroys a marriage. It does incredible harm to the woman who was promised this man's love and faithfulness.

 

 

Are you dreaming? You think someone BELONGS to you?

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ComingInHot

whitflower wrote, "Why is it ok for a BW to love a jerk but not the OW? Why is it not ok to expect growth from a lover from the viewpoint of the OW instead of the BW? Who says M makes the love correct? If you need to believe that, be my guest. I won't force my beliefs down your throat if you don't force yours down mine. But I've BTDT and I have plenty experience from both a long term M (it would have been 28 years this summer) and a long term A to know what love is and who I need to be in a R with. FTR, it may or may not be with xMM (see above requirements)."

 

Sheesh, no need for snarkishness WF. I was sincere in my question as Your questions could be answered by anyone who has dealt w/an infidel & his/her OW/OM but not limited to only those either engaging or have engaged in an A but Any individuals who have thoughts about what it means to enter into the sanctity of M. No need to be so touchy on a public forum... :)

 

So staying OT, which I Have done thus far, I'll give you My take on Your questions but as you wish Not to be judged, I ask the same respect in return*

 

The Betrayed WIFE can & usually Does love a "jerk" if that "jerk IS, in fact, Her Husband. It's part of the M in which the vow is for better or worse. The OW, should allow feelings to develop for a "jerk" is deciding to love just that, a jerk, whereas this jerk is not just a jerk but W's H.

The "love is Correct" under the Marital vows & binding contract between the H & W. If love is absent, given to another outside the M and it's contract obligations/vows then the Cheating spouse is in breach of contract making it INcorrect.

This is My take purely based on the question/s not including the deceit, betrayal, lies, secrecy, gaslighting and defamation of character (that often time accompanies A's) by both people engaging in the A.

 

Now, white flower, you asked. I did Not judge You. I answered the questions. I already believe You disagree but please, should you choose to respond, do so w/the same courtesy I have shown you* :)

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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White Flower
Your question is why is love a wife has for her husband considered acceptable, but not love an OW has for the MM. It's because the two people in the marriage promised to love each other and forsake all others. An OW's love undermines, damages, and destroys the marriage. It takes what was promised to another. What belongs to another. Your love for your MM is undermining and destroying the love the MM has for his wife whom he promised it to. Until he breaks that marital bond and ends his marriage, his love and fidelity is promised to his wife. Why is this so difficult to understand? The OW's love for the MM undermines/damages/destroys a marriage. It does incredible harm to the woman who was promised this man's love and faithfulness.

It's difficult for any rational human being, IMHO, to believe that love can be promised at a young age. We don't know ourselves then, so how can we be expected to carry it through a lifetime? The state you live in has a 60% D rate, that pretty much backs up my claim.

 

It's a nice idea, promised love, but I think it's a fairy tale.

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White Flower
whitflower wrote, "Why is it ok for a BW to love a jerk but not the OW? Why is it not ok to expect growth from a lover from the viewpoint of the OW instead of the BW? Who says M makes the love correct? If you need to believe that, be my guest. I won't force my beliefs down your throat if you don't force yours down mine. But I've BTDT and I have plenty experience from both a long term M (it would have been 28 years this summer) and a long term A to know what love is and who I need to be in a R with. FTR, it may or may not be with xMM (see above requirements)."

 

Sheesh, no need for snarkishness WF. I was sincere in my question as Your questions could be answered by anyone who has dealt w/an infidel & his/her OW/OM but not limited to only those either engaging or have engaged in an A but Any individuals who have thoughts about what it means to enter into the sanctity of M. No need to be so touchy on a public forum... :)

 

So staying OT, which I Have done thus far, I'll give you My take on Your questions but as you wish Not to be judged, I ask the same respect in return*

 

The Betrayed WIFE can & usually Does love a "jerk" if that "jerk IS, in fact, Her Husband. It's part of the M in which the vow is for better or worse. The OW, should allow feelings to develop for a "jerk" is deciding to love just that, a jerk, whereas this jerk is not just a jerk but W's H.

The "love is Correct" under the Marital vows & binding contract between the H & W. If love is absent, given to another outside the M and it's contract obligations/vows then the Cheating spouse is in breach of contract making it INcorrect.

This is My take purely based on the question/s not including the deceit, betrayal, lies, secrecy, gaslighting and defamation of character (that often time accompanies A's) by both people engaging in the A.

 

Now, white flower, you asked. I did Not judge You. I answered the questions. I already believe You disagree but please, should you choose to respond, do so w/the same courtesy I have shown you* :)

I don't believe in the sanctity of M and I haven't heard the word infidel in over a decade, and it was in a movie in which Morgan Freeman played a Moore.

 

I was not snarky. You were OT.

 

Love cannot be correct once the vows have been broken. No love is sanctified at that point, if you believe in sanctification at all.

 

I get it now. It would appear that many BWs here believe they have God on their side and believe God will save their Ms for them. Good luck with that.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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White Flower
huh??

Well so much for respect in return... :(

 

I believe I was very respectful. I even wished you luck.

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ComingInHot

whiteflower wrote, "I even wished you luck."

 

With what?

 

And as a funny side note... Pleeeease don't Ever wish me My own luck!! Lol. :laugh: Wish me someone else's "luck" cause banking on my own luck won't win me a pack of gum...

I have to work for my success. (Good thing I'm a hard worker).**

 

Whiteflower, to voluntarily deal w/what you do, you are a much stronger woman than I.

I wish You grace in your journey*

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White Flower
I don't think its a question of whether or not your love is more valid. Honestly, this seems more like a steaming pile of dysfunction all around than anything I would call love.

 

What does love have to do with it if his money is more important to him than being with you?

 

And as for staying with his W out of duty, why do you let him get away with that when clearly the duty he had to remain faithful means nothing to him. I don't buy that duty is that important to him.

 

Triangles are unhealthy for everyone involved. If he truly loved you, he wouldn't keep you in that position.

I am the one keeping him at bay, not the other way around.

 

Perhaps you (many of you in general) are projecting how you would be onto me. I have standards for a healthy R yet have zero problem with admitting I love him. I also loved my alcoholic brother but wouldn't talk to him until he checked into rehab, which turned out to buy him several years of life because he was diagnosed with cancer there. Likewise, if xMM stays where he is his depression will eat at him like a cancer (his words).

 

Also, many BS seem to blame their M and their vows on the reason they love their jerks. Just admit you love them with your hearts! Nobody is going to judge you for that. Wait a minute, maybe they will!

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Ok, first of all I don't "identify" myself as an OW. I identify myself as mother, business owner, home owner, volunteer, friend, garner, artist, and lover.

Posting a thread in the OW section saying "Not every OW is waiting" then explaining your story, that's what makes it seem like you're identifying yourself as an OW. Whether you are a volunteer and what have you is immaterial with respect to the context. For the purposes of LS I'm a fOW....my other titles and activities I participate in offline are irrelevant in the context of how I identify myself for the discussion board purposes.

 

The need to explain, that's a fair question. I love a jerk; BW loves a jerk, so why does her loving a jerk become validated and mine doesn't? He sought love because love for him died at home yet he stays. He stays for money, guilt, and comfort zone and I'm sorry but I don't respect that. I don't think it's right and though he's growing some ballz in IC I still think he's got zero integrity for being afraid to admit to her the real reasons he stays. I am the one demanding a healthier person out of this, she isn't because she likes the status quo to (she lost her best friend over this) yet the atmosphere here is that MRs are valid, hence healthy and ARs are not. I'm glad I believe in myself and I'm glad xMM's IC sees our R as the healthier R because if I thought this site was the be all end all of psychological authority I think I'd go crazy. (My apologies to the moderators who have to sift all the hostility out).

 

I don't know who is validating her loving a jerk...but I already said both people loving a jerk are no better than the other. 19 ddays allowed by OW and BS is astronomical and mind-boggling and it's not only the jerk's fault, but as I said, both women need to reassess. He definitely has zero integrity and I'm glad you brought that up, because I don't know anyone having a secret A, being full of integrity in terms of that. From what I've seen of your posts you've made it clear that your relationship is "healthier", I personally don't see how and don't need to really, it's not my life, but when it's put on LS to be discusses, I can't help notice it. I don't think anyone in this triangle knows what healthy is and I am glad you don't take LS as psychological authority, as that would be ridiculous, esp in light of the disclaimer which explicitly states it isn't. :laugh:

 

 

 

I never said it was incorrect by loving one's spouse. That is what I meant by critical thinking; I didn't want to have to defend things I did not say. What I meant was the mutual love. If one spouse is not in live, the overall integrity of the mutual love is hindered and therefore wrong. Some may be able to repair this but not likely most.

 

What you meant and what you said are two different things. Please understand that and don't attempt to make it seem like I am void of critical thinking skills, as I assure you, I have plenty. You asked: "Who says M makes the love correct?" and I explained why people see the love in M as "correct." I will start my own thread about marriage vs.commitment...as sooooo many OW seem to use this idea that M is this horrible thing and doesn't have value and blah blah blah, yet, I wonder, what value do you ascribe to your relationships and why? If you don't value M...why should anyone value an affair, which is so much more suspect and convoluted, as anything worthwhile? Believing in marriage or not is such a tired and moot point here on LS...as it seems clear to me that committed people who are not married can cheat, MM can have OOW and so on and so forth, and the common denominator in ALL of these is, lies, deceit and betrayal. This fact and this fact alone is why most rational people will never value an A relationship as legitimate, because it isn't. Plain and simple. Marriages are not always right or meant to be and holier than holy, but married people are openly marrying and giving their R an open shot, in the daytime, without trampling on others. If it doesn't work out and is a big fat mistake...so be it. They can openly divorce and such is life. However, APs having a "healthy" secret A, esp when kids and families are involved are indeed behaving "incorrectly", you already admitted your MM has no integrity.

 

Love or no love is not the point. I'm not naive, a child or a believer in fairy tales where everything is acceptable or okay if you say it is love. That's the beginning of dysfunction IMO as every last dysfunctional, enabling, codependent drama of a relationship is bubbling over with declarations of love :rolleyes: . Love is fine and good, but in ANY type of relationship where it doesn't comes with the right circumstances and seeks the best for all involved, don't try to stand on it.

 

As for the non-waiting OW, I almost titled it fOW but decided against it. Semantics I guess. I am not an OW and I suppose there is a wait and see atmosphere, hence the assessments, but I don't wait for him. He knows I am dating and doesn't like it much but oh well.

I responded to this before but to reiterate, you choosing to not identify your post as fOW and name your thread what you named it, isn't a stretch for someone to believe you're identifying yourself currently as a non-waiting OW. I was not being foolish for thinking that.

 

I don't get the pedophile/OW comparison at all. With a pedophile there is a victim and a perpetrator and no third party, and in this case the OW always wanted the BW to know. Doesn't matter anyway, she'll keep him no matter how badly he hurts her. Still, that's on her, not on me.

 

The point of comparison in the analogy was about "blasting love." Most analogies get lost on LS as people don't understand what elements are being compared. I wasn't comparing the structure or character of pedophilia to an affair. I was comparing a pedophile saying people are blasting him/her for "love" with APs doing the same, when in both scenarios, it is not in fact love which people are blasting them for, but a whole other set of negative things entirely. I don't think it's possible to further elaborate the elements of As which people don't like/critique....if one cannot understand why people dislike As and can see how it's different from "blasting love", don't think my 2 cents will shed anymore light.

 

I like your last statement because I do expect a healthy partner and no matter how much I love him I will not live with him until I see healthy improvements.

 

Good for you. Hopefully he becomes water on the bridge.

 

Responses in bold.

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