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Having an affair w/ a MW


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 24th October 2017, 1:48 AM   #46
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You know what really sucks is when I compare myself to my dad. Iím not half them man he was. I want to be
Well then why don't you start by showing admirable actions in your daily life? That would include honoring your wife each day like you promised?

That would also include eliminating the OW completely from every aspect of your life.

If you want things to change - then that change needs to come from you!
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Old 24th October 2017, 1:52 AM   #47
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Brad, what are your issues that you e eluded to?

Please be specific.
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Old 24th October 2017, 2:31 AM   #48
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We are supposed to meet Wednesday. Normally I would be excited about it. Iím not at all.
Boo hoo ....

So, how much longer are you going to keep this up ....

You have been getting all sorts of advice from LS posters but your responses are mainly short one liners that mean nothing at all ....

You say you aren't half the man your dad is/was (can't remember your exact words) .... but .... start to be that man NOW .... are you scared of your OW or something?

Or is it that you are scared of your family/circle of friends finding out who you REALLY are?

YOUR WIFE DESERVES TO KNOW YOU ARE NOT THE PERSON SHE THINKS YOU ARE - do you not get this?

And if your OW is also a friend of your wife's (which is the impression I get) ... then this makes things even more vomit inducing .... this just gets sicker.
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Old 24th October 2017, 3:18 AM   #49
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He's not the first, and at least he came here hoping to be motivated (I guess). But here's the thingówhat I'm 100% convinced they all think: They don't think about getting caught - until they get caught.

He's not worried about getting caught. He just isn't AS into it or her as he was and kinda maybe a little feels crappy about what he's doing.

It's completely Skinnerian:
1) Mouse does action X number of times and gets positive rewards with no negatives. No-brainer. BUT ...
2) Intermittent (unpredictable) negative consequences with at least some reward? They'll do it forever. (They stop only if negative consequences are a sure thing.)

But he's here because he's not a mouse. He wants to reclaim his dignity, integrity and self-respect (yes, I'm putting words in his mouth). BU-u-u-t those rewards. Still there sometimes. And the negatives are just not that, well, negative. It's just HIS conscience after all. (No thought of the unreality of hurting wife because he truly believes that won't happen.)

There's also the inertia factor. No movement begets no movement. There's not enough to make him change the status quo.

So he can wait until he gets caught since he won't think about it until it happens.

Or he can try to find someone else to motivate him to make a move some other direction. Right now he's just disappointed with Cupid. No limerence, no fun. But still. It's not quite enough negative to give up whatever reward he's still getting from it.

I don't blame him. I've seen only a handful of WSs that did anything on the basis of conscience alone without having been caught. Especially since they work so hard to shut it up in the first place. After all that effort to kill it, I'm sure it's really hard to bring it back to life - and boring. Imagine working to feel accountable to people you'd successfully put out of your mind just because ... because ... I mean why should he?
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Old 24th October 2017, 6:11 AM   #50
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As someone else mentioned - whats the reason for being with OW?

Its sounds more like "possession" issues of OW and her time with her husband and not love of any kind. As you mention she is NOT someone you want to be married to....so what... is it just wild sex ...she does something for you your wife does not? Or just an exciting [affair partner] ? maybe you have self esteem or self issues driving your affair that have nothing to do with your wife or even the OW ?

[H]onestly I am trying to understand so I can offer advice and you can stop this.

Speaking of stopping this - how does OW feel about YOU? What do you think OW's reaction would be if you said "we are done" ?

and as for talking to someone - have you considered some therapy - someone can help you work through your reasons for having an affair?
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Old 24th October 2017, 7:16 AM   #51
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op,
I'm not going to tell you off for cheating, as it sounds like you already starting to understand the consequences of your actions.

I'm also not going to try and dig in to why you cheated, as right now, the priority is to end the A and then get to a place where you can start to figure all of that out. Even though it doesn't sound like there is that much of an emotional connection between you and the ow, it does sound like you have developed almost an addiction to being with her.

The good thing about your situation is that, for all the angst it's causing, it's easy enough to resolve at least one area of it. Right now before you do anything else, make a commitment to yourself and your family that you are going to stop.

Once you have done that, sit down and start making an actual plan of how you are going to end the A. Decide what steps you will take if your soon to be ex-ow tries to contact you. What will you do if you feel the urge to reach out to her? How will you handle the down times?

Next, as this will be one of the most important things you ever, ever do, is tell your wife, and tell her husband too. I know that is going to be incredibly hard, and it will likley rip your heart in half, but it is so important. Not just for you, but for your wife too. If you tell her, at least she will know you cared enough to finally be honest with her.

If you don;t tell your wife and she finds out in some other way, like if this woman decides she is going to blab to your social circle, your wife will likely never, ever be able to trust you again. If she hears about it from you, there is a good chnace that, if you two can reconcile, she will be able to learn to trust you again.

Right now, you have two choices. You can choose to keep things as they are and feel rotten, put your family at a high risk for incredible pain and for what? So you can have a bit on the side with a woman who it doesn't sound like you even like that much?

Alternatively, you can choose to stop the merry go round, get off, stand up straight and put your foot on the first step of getting through all of this crap.

So, what's going to be? You going to stay on the merry go round or are you going to to say "enough" and start sorting out this mess? It sounds to me like you want to get off. If that's the case, then what is your first step going to be?

Decide to end the affair now, make your plan and stick to it and then come clean. I'm not going to lie to you. If you do this, it could well be a very hard go for you for the next little while, but put it into perspective. If you can face what you have done, come to your wife in the spirit of humility, take responsibility for your actions and if your wife fees able to forgive, you two stand every chance of moving forward to a lasting relationship.

What do you want? What are you going to do to make that happen?
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Old 24th October 2017, 9:36 AM   #52
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Well I have taken in and read everything and then truly appreciate everyoneís thoughts and advice. Truth is I do love the OW and have feelings for her and her for me. But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. Thatís a fact. Iím not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation. It probably is more of a physical thing that keeps me from stopping it. I know Iíve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when Iím happy with it but more times than not Iím miserable. Miserable for what Iím doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that Iím a sorry human being. Reading this and even typing this out is actually helping me to see what I need to do. I know I would be happier to end it. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that Iím not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again.
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Old 24th October 2017, 10:38 AM   #53
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Well I have taken in and read everything and then truly appreciate everyoneís thoughts and advice. Truth is I do love the OW and have feelings for her and her for me. But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. Thatís a fact. Iím not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation. It probably is more of a physical thing that keeps me from stopping it. I know Iíve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when Iím happy with it but more times than not Iím miserable. Miserable for what Iím doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that Iím a sorry human being. Reading this and even typing this out is actually helping me to see what I need to do. I know I would be happier to end it. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that Iím not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again.
So if all this is the case, then what are you going to do to free yourself from all of his? You can't wait for someone else to do it, as no one will.

As it stands right now, you have absolutely no idea what sort of chaos you may have invited into your family's life. You are asking your life as children, as well as her husband and children, to pay the price for your dalliance, because sir, they are the ones who will pay the highest price. It isn't going to be you or your ow, in fact, the two of you will get away from this relatively unscathed.

I'm not saying your pain isn't real or trying to be dismissive of it, but the two of you have stuck a knife in the back of your wife, her husband and all those children. Each time you make an excuse to keep the A going, you drive it in a little but deeper. What is hell did any of those people do to deserve this kind of treatment? Why are you willing to sacrifice their future mental health for this?

If you need added incentive to stop, picture yourself telling your children what you have been doing. Picture your wife crumbling to the floor, tears streaming down her face, maybe she's throwing up from the shock. I won't ask you to imagine what will be going on in her mind, because unles syou have been in her position, you can't.

Imagine the trickle down effect it's going to have on your children. Think of what this is going to do to her husband and kids. How would you feel if it was your wife who was cheating? How about if it was your dad?

You really need to try and shift your perspective on this. Ask yourself what you are getting from it, and ask yourself if the pain of two families is worth whatever that might be. If your answer is "yes", then your sir, have some serious issues and I would recommend divorce and that you not get involved in a serious relationship as you aren't cut out for it. If your answer is "no", then instead of ruminating about the problem, you actually do something about it.
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Old 24th October 2017, 10:52 AM   #54
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Well I have taken in and read everything and then truly appreciate everyoneís thoughts and advice. Truth is I do love the OW and have feelings for her and her for me. But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. Thatís a fact. Iím not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation. It probably is more of a physical thing that keeps me from stopping it. I know Iíve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when Iím happy with it but more times than not Iím miserable. Miserable for what Iím doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that Iím a sorry human being. Reading this and even typing this out is actually helping me to see what I need to do. I know I would be happier to end it. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that Iím not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again.
You say:-

"... But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. Thatís a fact. Iím not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation ..."

Well - it is a relief that she would not disrupt you/your family - this makes it a tad easier to end the affair, doesn't it? And, you say you are not scared of ending the affair with her .... so .... go ahead.

You further say:-

"... There are times when Iím happy with it but more times than not Iím miserable. Miserable for what Iím doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that Iím a sorry human being ..."

This affair is really making you unhappy now and you need to start planning the end to all of this before it actually starts making you ill ... you need to get out of it and start to work on YOUR recovery and getting you back to the man your family needs.

Again, you say:-

"... My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that Iím not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again."

So .. the cracks in you are starting to show ... it is only a matter of time before your wife starts to pick up on this (if she hasn't already got an inkling something is wrong with you).

You CAN be YOU again .... you need to stand up straight, held head high for YOU AND YOUR FAMILY .... and do the right thing - and you know what this is!
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Old 24th October 2017, 12:23 PM   #55
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Well I have taken in and read everything and then truly appreciate everyoneís thoughts and advice. Truth is I do love the OW and have feelings for her and her for me. But we know that there is no way we would want to disrupt our families to be with each other. Thatís a fact. Iím not scared of ending it with her. She would never do anything to me or want to disrupt her situation. It probably is more of a physical thing that keeps me from stopping it. I know Iíve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when Iím happy with it but more times than not Iím miserable. Miserable for what Iím doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that Iím a sorry human being. Reading this and even typing this out is actually helping me to see what I need to do. I know I would be happier to end it. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. My friends know something is going on. My coworkers know something is wrong. They comment all the time that Iím not the same person I used to be. I want to be me again.
So what are you going to do to change it?

You are the only one that can change it for yourself! You are the victim of yourself and your choices.

It takes contrary action to get a new result! Do that!!
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Old 24th October 2017, 12:41 PM   #56
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Originally Posted by Bradintx [IMG]file:///C:\Users\07312014\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\ 01\clip_image002.jpg[/IMG]
I know Iíve been unhappy for the last year and a half. There are times when Iím happy with it but more times than not Iím miserable. Miserable for what Iím doing, miserable for how the OW makes me feel at times, miserable that Iím a sorry human being.. I want this burden to over so I can have my life back. I want to be the old me. I want to be me again.

STOP WHINING AND TAKE ACTIONS that are going to get you better so that you can do better for your family. Talking about it is not enough. What ACTIONS have you taken? What ACTIONS do you have in your plan?
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Old 24th October 2017, 5:16 PM   #57
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I honestly donít know the best way to stop this. Yes I did it. Yes I take full responsibility for what Iíve done. I chose this. I own this. Iím not afraid of owning it. Thatís part of my unhappiness is my disdain for myself in getting myself in this situation. I wish I could have a do over. I would never have texted her that first time. I wouldnít have allowed myself to get drawn in. The crazy thing is I distanced myself many times from her because I thought she was getting to in love with me. I didnít want to allow her to do that. Now I find myself not wanting to let her go but I know thatís the right thing and the only thing to do.
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Old 24th October 2017, 5:38 PM   #58
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STOP WHINING AND TAKE ACTIONS that are going to get you better so that you can do better for your family. Talking about it is not enough. What ACTIONS have you taken? What ACTIONS do you have in your plan?
For starters - he's perfectly capable of contacting the OW and telling her he is never meeting her again.

FWIW - wives find out all the time - even when you don't think they will... my exH didn't expect me to find out... 25 years ended with a phone call telling him not to come home. That was 10 years ago.

I'm certain he also cheats on his newer wife too.


You don't know how to stop it? It's easy! Stop!!!
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Old 24th October 2017, 5:51 PM   #59
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I honestly donít know the best way to stop this. Yes I did it. Yes I take full responsibility for what Iíve done. I chose this. I own this. Iím not afraid of owning it. Thatís part of my unhappiness is my disdain for myself in getting myself in this situation. I wish I could have a do over. I would never have texted her that first time. I wouldnít have allowed myself to get drawn in. The crazy thing is I distanced myself many times from her because I thought she was getting to in love with me. I didnít want to allow her to do that. Now I find myself not wanting to let her go but I know thatís the right thing and the only thing to do.
You don't know the best way to stop this?????????

How about you contact the OW and say it's over.
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Old 24th October 2017, 5:51 PM   #60
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I honestly donít know the best way to stop this. Yes I did it. Yes I take full responsibility for what Iíve done. I chose this. I own this. Iím not afraid of owning it. Thatís part of my unhappiness is my disdain for myself in getting myself in this situation. I wish I could have a do over. I would never have texted her that first time. I wouldnít have allowed myself to get drawn in. The crazy thing is I distanced myself many times from her because I thought she was getting to in love with me. I didnít want to allow her to do that. Now I find myself not wanting to let her go but I know thatís the right thing and the only thing to do.
Did your wife get fat? Or does she deny you sex? What is so hot about this OW? You should be able to drop her like a rock.
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