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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 2nd December 2017, 3:15 AM   #61
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I was still proud of the fact that she was my #1 and only.
Why don't you say, "I am still proud of the fact that she was my #1 and only," instead of "I was"? Are you no longer proud of it.
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...and unnatural, at best, and I honestly don't believe many people achieve it.
and I honestly am not particularly proud or sorry that I did achieve it. Pretty ironic, but then that's the point. Although I did "achieve" it, it's an odd, sad accomplishment that gives me no satisfaction. I could not have done otherwise, yay, hooray. Who achieved more? My WH who succeeded in having 5 (more?) extra-marital relationships without anyone finding out except his dumb wife who forgave him and saw him through a respectable retirement? Or the dumb, faithful wife who rejected opportunity and assumed they shared commitment to fidelity?
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Old 3rd December 2017, 8:18 AM   #62
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Hi Red, I wanted to ask you if you did finally go on that vacation with your WH? The one where you were going to a place of which you have special memories and like very much because it is so peaceful. If I remember correctly, you said that in that kind of a situation you could only trust and depend on your WH and no one else. If you did go then can you let us know how that vacation panned out? Warm wishes.
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Old 3rd December 2017, 8:47 AM   #63
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Hi. Thanks for asking. I havenít been on here in a while. We are separated, still in the same house, but sleeping in separate rooms. He basically gave up his efforts and is under massive stress at work so feels overwhelmed. I have no trust for him at all and so we have both thrown in the towel. I am focusing on me. We are friendly but any romantic gestures or anything physical is done. He does try to hug me every day. I finally said tonight that we talk big about keeping boundaries, yet he hugs me and adds a kiss on the cheek whenever he can. He said hugging is normal when you love each other. I said no more hugs, because he doesnít hug me like a friend, he rubs my waist like he always has(he has always loved how my waist curves), so thatís not how one hugs a friend. I am angry, which Is good and I am using it to detach, which is what I need. Itís getting better by the day. 21 years will take a while to get over but Iím working on it everyday.
You really should separate and move out (or kick him out -- see how that adds to his stress at work and life). What he is doing to you is not healthy for your mental state. Just work on finding and meeting another person who loves you are you love back.
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Old 3rd December 2017, 9:40 AM   #64
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You know, more men abandon women due to severe illness than women, men. Women are more loyal.

I'm referring specifically to cancer, but it could apply to a range of illnesses. More than half of the marriages of women with cancer fail due to husbands leaving. I could be really judgemental,about it, but I'm choosing to just see the facts.

He had an affair BUT he didn't leave. He still loves you.

Being blunt, do you still have sex? It makes a huge difference to men. Again, choosing not to be judgemental.
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Old 3rd December 2017, 11:19 AM   #65
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Hi Red, I wanted to ask you if you did finally go on that vacation with your WH? The one where you were going to a place of which you have special memories and like very much because it is so peaceful. If I remember correctly, you said that in that kind of a situation you could only trust and depend on your WH and no one else. If you did go then can you let us know how that vacation panned out? Warm wishes.
Yes I did go. We had a great time.
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Old 3rd December 2017, 11:21 AM   #66
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You really should separate and move out (or kick him out -- see how that adds to his stress at work and life). What he is doing to you is not healthy for your mental state. Just work on finding and meeting another person who loves you are you love back.
I agree. We are separated but are unable to live seperatly at this time. I would love to have him stay somewhere else but heís got nowhere to go, and he refuses to leave.
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Old 3rd December 2017, 11:24 AM   #67
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You know, more men abandon women due to severe illness than women, men. Women are more loyal.

I'm referring specifically to cancer, but it could apply to a range of illnesses. More than half of the marriages of women with cancer fail due to husbands leaving. I could be really judgemental,about it, but I'm choosing to just see the facts.

He had an affair BUT he didn't leave. He still loves you.

Being blunt, do you still have sex? It makes a huge difference to men. Again, choosing not to be judgemental.
Itís true he didnít leave but stopped putting any effort in so I refused to carry us any further. As far as sex goes, we have always had a great sex life but we are not sleeping together now because we are separated.
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Old 3rd December 2017, 12:33 PM   #68
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I agree. We are separated but are unable to live seperatly at this time. I would love to have him stay somewhere else but heís got nowhere to go, and he refuses to leave.
So what is the plan exactly? You are going to continue to let him live in the same house, rub your waist and breasts whenever he feels like it, and if he finds someone one day and does decide to move out and live with her, only then will you put your life back on track and continue to live it? You deserve better than that.
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Old 3rd December 2017, 1:39 PM   #69
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Hi. Thanks for asking. I haven’t been on here in a while. We are separated, still in the same house, but sleeping in separate rooms. He basically gave up his efforts and is under massive stress at work so feels overwhelmed. I have no trust for him at all and so we have both thrown in the towel. I am focusing on me. We are friendly but any romantic gestures or anything physical is done. He does try to hug me every day. I finally said tonight that we talk big about keeping boundaries, yet he hugs me and adds a kiss on the cheek whenever he can. He said hugging is normal when you love each other. I said no more hugs, because he doesn’t hug me like a friend, he rubs my waist like he always has(he has always loved how my waist curves), so that’s not how one hugs a friend. I am angry, which Is good and I am using it to detach, which is what I need. It’s getting better by the day. 21 years will take a while to get over but I’m working on it everyday.
Just reading the first few pages of this thread and your recent update, I wanted to say that I think you're doing very well and I respect your actions and choices. You've been in touch with and true to your feelings and reactions to your husband's offensive behavior. I do understand taking things slowly and think it's pretty mild as far as compromises go. You're not saying you won't break with him, just that you need to move slowly. Feeling the need to defend your actions on LS can be a distraction, but you've presented yourself fairly and without excuses. You're doing the best you can and I, for one, am impressed with your authenticity to yourself. Authenticity seems to be the basis for your actions. Just keep up that honesty to self. You'll make it to the end.
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Old 3rd December 2017, 4:16 PM   #70
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Just reading the first few pages of this thread and your recent update, I wanted to say that I think you're doing very well and I respect your actions and choices. You've been in touch with and true to your feelings and reactions to your husband's offensive behavior. I do understand taking things slowly and think it's pretty mild as far as compromises go. You're not saying you won't break with him, just that you need to move slowly. Feeling the need to defend your actions on LS can be a distraction, but you've presented yourself fairly and without excuses. You're doing the best you can and I, for one, am impressed with your authenticity to yourself. Authenticity seems to be the basis for your actions. Just keep up that honesty to self. You'll make it to the end.
Thank you. In my heart and as far as my actions go we are separated. There is no more romantic relationship at all. It is his house too and even if he left and paid support I still canít keep it afloat on my own, so this is the best option on the list of sh$$ty options.
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Old 3rd December 2017, 4:21 PM   #71
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So what is the plan exactly? You are going to continue to let him live in the same house, rub your waist and breasts whenever he feels like it, and if he finds someone one day and does decide to move out and live with her, only then will you put your life back on track and continue to live it? You deserve better than that.
Sorry but I chuckled at this response. I am no damsel even with my illness I am still my alpha female self, however I am not letting him live here, he owns this house too. Itís very easy for people to say kick him out, but far harder to execute in my situation. No I will not be letting him touch my body at all. Not sure if I posted it but before I wrote that post I told him I didnít want his ďfriendship hugsĒ and to not touch me. He hasnít tried since and hasnít tried to sleep in my room or cross any of the boundaries we have set.
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Old 11th December 2017, 6:04 AM   #72
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Hi Red, thank you for responding to my previous question. I'm sorry I am responding a bit late but I was not able to access LS for a while now. Good to know that you both enjoyed your vacation. That said, things seem to have changed and the dynamic between you two seems to have deteriorated a bit. I think from your point of view that may be a good thing in the sense that it will make it easier for you to distance yourself emotionally from your husband, something that he has been trying his best to keep alive. Maybe he will finally run out of steam although that seems toe to be less likely than your own desire to distance yourself from him.

On another note, do you think he is seeing other ladies to compensate for the loss of his connection with you? I do not know whether you would get to know about this or not but he himself may let it slip sometime. What about you? Are you seeing other people? That would possibly kill any residual feelings that either of you have for each other. Of course you may not be in the frame of mind to start dating people just now. However, you could join a social group where you could meet new people whom you could interact with as friends. You would then probably meet someone like minded with whom you gel and could carry that connection further to something more substantial. Just thinking aloud. Maybe you have plans of your own. Warm wishes.
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Old 11th December 2017, 7:49 AM   #73
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Sorry but I chuckled at this response. I am no damsel even with my illness I am still my alpha female self, however I am not letting him live here, he owns this house too. Itís very easy for people to say kick him out, but far harder to execute in my situation. No I will not be letting him touch my body at all. Not sure if I posted it but before I wrote that post I told him I didnít want his ďfriendship hugsĒ and to not touch me. He hasnít tried since and hasnít tried to sleep in my room or cross any of the boundaries we have set.
Most couples who decide to divorce to sell the house, split the assets and find new places to live. What are you guys planning to do?
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Old 12th December 2017, 4:46 PM   #74
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Hi Red, thank you for responding to my previous question. I'm sorry I am responding a bit late but I was not able to access LS for a while now. Good to know that you both enjoyed your vacation. That said, things seem to have changed and the dynamic between you two seems to have deteriorated a bit. I think from your point of view that may be a good thing in the sense that it will make it easier for you to distance yourself emotionally from your husband, something that he has been trying his best to keep alive. Maybe he will finally run out of steam although that seems toe to be less likely than your own desire to distance yourself from him.

On another note, do you think he is seeing other ladies to compensate for the loss of his connection with you? I do not know whether you would get to know about this or not but he himself may let it slip sometime. What about you? Are you seeing other people? That would possibly kill any residual feelings that either of you have for each other. Of course you may not be in the frame of mind to start dating people just now. However, you could join a social group where you could meet new people whom you could interact with as friends. You would then probably meet someone like minded with whom you gel and could carry that connection further to something more substantial. Just thinking aloud. Maybe you have plans of your own. Warm wishes.
Thanks. I donít know if he is seeing anyone at the moment, it doesnít seem like it, but I really donít know. I am not ready for that at the moment. I am just focusing on me and spending a lot more time with my friends.
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Old 12th December 2017, 4:47 PM   #75
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Most couples who decide to divorce to sell the house, split the assets and find new places to live. What are you guys planning to do?
We are not there yet. This is fairly new. At this time we have not discussed this.
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