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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 20th May 2017, 11:00 AM   #16
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Hi Red, if I may ask, how long have you and your WH been separated? Also, if as you say, you are pushing for divorce then why have'nt you initiated the divorce proceedings? If you were to do so it would send a clear message to your husband that the relationship is over and you are moving on. He would then stop bothering you with pleas to get back together and would reconcile with the idea that he had finally lost you and his family and would then work on moving forward with his life. It would also send home the message in no uncertain terms to him that he cannot keep getting reprieves in life and that actions have consequences some of which can be painful and irrevocable.
It all boils down to what you want in your heart of hearts. If you still have a small spark igniting within you which wants to get back with him then be honest and acknowledge it. In that case you can work out a plan for reconciliation. If there is no such spark then be ruthless and cut the ties, burn the bridges and move ahead with your life.

There is another possibility which you can mull over. Proceed with the divorce and when it is final and both of you are free you can tell your( then ex husband) that you will wait a while and see how he progresses in improving himself and ironing out his issues. If you know for certain after observing him for a while that he has turned over a new leaf then the two of you can start dating again. If your observations show that he is stuck in a rut and there has been no change then you can go ahead and date others and find yourself a new partner.

Hope you find something useful in all this. Warm wishes.
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Last edited by Just a Guy; 20th May 2017 at 11:06 AM..
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Old 20th May 2017, 11:08 AM   #17
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I am currently separated from my WH after discovering his second affair in 3 years. I have always had the ability once the pain is not as raw to see all sides, a gift and a curse. Some believe my WH had a mid life crisis due to my illness and work issues, that I will never know if it is the case. The thing I have been thinking about lately is his lack of experience with women. We got together very young, I was his first, he was nowhere close to being mine. We have been together for would have been 21 years in June, and he was unfaithful in the last 3. I guess I have been thinking about the reality of an 18 year old boy making the decision to stay faithful and only be with one woman for his entire life, and how unrealistic it seems to me now. I guess it boils down to did I really believe that he could only be with me and never experience a fling, or a ONS in his entire life. He is still begging to come back to our marriage and is really trying, I don't honestly feel any trust so I can't, but I am seeing him differently. A lot of the people I know who got together when we did promising lives together are not together, a couple are but have had infidelity in their past. Maybe our age when we started has something to do with this. I have been tempted many times over the years too. Thoughts?

There's the run. You were tempted, but didn't act on it.

Lots of people are tempted. It's a part of being human. The key for your wh will be to see if he can learn better ways of behaving, as if he doesn't,the next time he's tempted, you may find yourself back at square one with hm cheating again.
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Old 20th May 2017, 11:12 AM   #18
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Not commenting on your marriage or whether you should take him back, just responding to your more general question of whether expecting fidelity from an 18 year old for 60+ years is realistic.

In my heart of hearts, I don't think it is realistic or fair for most men. I know there are exceptions, but I think most men's lives would be at least somewhat negatively impacted by professing and attempting to adhere to fidelity to one person from 18 onward. Hell, even 30 onward. Sex with a new woman for most men is an excitement that is hard to give up. And of course for the right woman, the right marriage, most of them think it's worth it to give it up. But the reality of it becomes harder as time goes on, and it's pretty crazy to me that we actually let small bouts of infidelity ruin decades-long marriages, when sex is such a powerful force for men. Now, long affairs and constant lying, gaslighting, risky sex, getting other women pregnant, etc is something else entirely. I'm not trying to downplay the seriousness of an affair or the emotional devastation it can bring. Just trying to take a step back and look at a short affair or ONS within the broader context of a lifelong marriage.

I didn't ask my H for fidelity but I know that's not an easy thing for most people so I get why it's not normal. For monogamy-minded individuals the key is putting a bunch of safeguards in place to prevent cheating and that's also really hard to do. There's no easy solution for sure.
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Old 20th May 2017, 12:45 PM   #19
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Hi Red, if I may ask, how long have you and your WH been separated? Also, if as you say, you are pushing for divorce then why have'nt you initiated the divorce proceedings? If you were to do so it would send a clear message to your husband that the relationship is over and you are moving on. He would then stop bothering you with pleas to get back together and would reconcile with the idea that he had finally lost you and his family and would then work on moving forward with his life. It would also send home the message in no uncertain terms to him that he cannot keep getting reprieves in life and that actions have consequences some of which can be painful and irrevocable.
It all boils down to what you want in your heart of hearts. If you still have a small spark igniting within you which wants to get back with him then be honest and acknowledge it. In that case you can work out a plan for reconciliation. If there is no such spark then be ruthless and cut the ties, burn the bridges and move ahead with your life.

There is another possibility which you can mull over. Proceed with the divorce and when it is final and both of you are free you can tell your( then ex husband) that you will wait a while and see how he progresses in improving himself and ironing out his issues. If you know for certain after observing him for a while that he has turned over a new leaf then the two of you can start dating again. If your observations show that he is stuck in a rut and there has been no change then you can go ahead and date others and find yourself a new partner.

Hope you find something useful in all this. Warm wishes.
Thanks. We have been separated for about 4 months. It's still pretty new. I can fill out the paperwork but we have to be separated for a year before we can get a divorce. I have spoken to a lawyer and this was the result. Where I live there is no legal separation, nothing to file, but we have to separate for a year still.
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Old 20th May 2017, 1:39 PM   #20
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I am currently separated from my WH after discovering his second affair in 3 years. I have always had the ability once the pain is not as raw to see all sides, a gift and a curse. Some believe my WH had a mid life crisis due to my illness and work issues, that I will never know if it is the case. The thing I have been thinking about lately is his lack of experience with women. We got together very young, I was his first, he was nowhere close to being mine. We have been together for would have been 21 years in June, and he was unfaithful in the last 3. I guess I have been thinking about the reality of an 18 year old boy making the decision to stay faithful and only be with one woman for his entire life, and how unrealistic it seems to me now. I guess it boils down to did I really believe that he could only be with me and never experience a fling, or a ONS in his entire life. He is still begging to come back to our marriage and is really trying, I don't honestly feel any trust so I can't, but I am seeing him differently. A lot of the people I know who got together when we did promising lives together are not together, a couple are but have had infidelity in their past. Maybe our age when we started has something to do with this. I have been tempted many times over the years too. Thoughts?
Red123,

I am sure curiosity on his part played a bit. I also think that he decided to cheat, and as it was two times, one after you gave him a second chance, shows he just wanted to. As for 18 year old guys being unrealistic in marring and keeping their vows, well I am one who did, at that age. I am not a paragon, by no means. I just love my wife. She is older, by 2 years, and had lovers before me. She also cheated once early in our relationship before we got married. I forgave her. Maybe I am the exception, but I think we all have free will, and your husband does as well.

I am not going to advise one way or another, on to continue to divorce, or try again. In my book, I think her had his chance. I do wish you all the best going forward.

I wish you luck.....
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Old 20th May 2017, 3:32 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by Gemma1 View Post
Not commenting on your marriage or whether you should take him back, just responding to your more general question of whether expecting fidelity from an 18 year old for 60+ years is realistic.

In my heart of hearts, I don't think it is realistic or fair for most men. I know there are exceptions, but I think most men's lives would be at least somewhat negatively impacted by professing and attempting to adhere to fidelity to one person from 18 onward. Hell, even 30 onward. Sex with a new woman for most men is an excitement that is hard to give up. And of course for the right woman, the right marriage, most of them think it's worth it to give it up. But the reality of it becomes harder as time goes on, and it's pretty crazy to me that we actually let small bouts of infidelity ruin decades-long marriages, when sex is such a powerful force for men. Now, long affairs and constant lying, gaslighting, risky sex, getting other women pregnant, etc is something else entirely. I'm not trying to downplay the seriousness of an affair or the emotional devastation it can bring. Just trying to take a step back and look at a short affair or ONS within the broader context of a lifelong marriage.

I didn't ask my H for fidelity but I know that's not an easy thing for most people so I get why it's not normal. For monogamy-minded individuals the key is putting a bunch of safeguards in place to prevent cheating and that's also really hard to do. There's no easy solution for sure.
The worst part of an affair is the lying. The deception can be very destructive.
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Old 22nd May 2017, 10:22 PM   #22
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Thanks. We have been separated for about 4 months. It's still pretty new. I can fill out the paperwork but we have to be separated for a year before we can get a divorce. I have spoken to a lawyer and this was the result. Where I live there is no legal separation, nothing to file, but we have to separate for a year still.
If I were you, I think I'd stick out the separation for the full year and then reevaluate. Personally, I don't expect there would be much for me to reevaluate as I've just had enough of infidelity. But perhaps if after a year you still saw positive signs from him and your perspective has changed, maybe you'll feel differently. But I wouldn't let him back in before the year is up so you can retain your right to divorce at that point. This is a natural consequence of his actions.
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Old 23rd May 2017, 12:23 AM   #23
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If I were you, I think I'd stick out the separation for the full year and then reevaluate. Personally, I don't expect there would be much for me to reevaluate as I've just had enough of infidelity. But perhaps if after a year you still saw positive signs from him and your perspective has changed, maybe you'll feel differently. But I wouldn't let him back in before the year is up so you can retain your right to divorce at that point. This is a natural consequence of his actions.
That's a fair call. Thank you. We are romantically separated but unfortunately still live in our home just different rooms. Due to my illness right now it is not possible to afford two places. Our kids live with us, and neither of us want to have them leave their home right now. We also can't sell our home for another year so this is it right now. I'm actually ok with it, I am surprised how ok with it I am tbh.
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Old 23rd May 2017, 10:58 AM   #24
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That's a fair call. Thank you. We are romantically separated but unfortunately still live in our home just different rooms. Due to my illness right now it is not possible to afford two places. Our kids live with us, and neither of us want to have them leave their home right now. We also can't sell our home for another year so this is it right now. I'm actually ok with it, I am surprised how ok with it I am tbh.
I don't know how you get thru this one, Red. He was obviously convincing through two affairs now and a false reconciliation. I don't know how you trust again after that.

I don't think it has to be a knock-down, drag-out divorce. Maybe this in-house separation for a year followed by an amiable divorce and sale of the house is what's best.

Sorry to hear you're not in good health. I hate when that crap interferes with decisions that need to be made.
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Old 28th May 2017, 11:49 PM   #25
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Thanks for all the replies. My XWH has asked me to go away with him next weekend. It is our wedding anniversary and he booked a place I love and made dinner reservations at a restaurant that we went to years ago and loved. I haven't agreed yet but I am leaning towards going. I love it there and it is such a beautiful peaceful place. I am well aware that this is probably a tactic to win me back. However, I have been so sick for the past month I would really like to go and get away. Thoughts?
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Old 29th May 2017, 4:51 AM   #26
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Hi Red, if you are aware of his intentions and you are also clear about your own then you know this would be like falling into a trap. You have said that you need to be separated for a year. Would this weekend anniversary trip not jeopardise that separation? I would go with BetrayedH's suggestion to maintain status quo and after your year of separation is over then take a call on what you want to do. Who keeps a record of your separation? You said there is no legal separation where you live then someone official would have to keep a record. Otherwise you could go to court tomorrow and claim your one year separation and file for divorce.

If you are leaning toward reconciliation do not do so out of weakness either emotionally or physically. Do you have your own family in the place where you live? If so can you get someone from your family to stay with you? How long do you think it will take you to get better? Who is looking after your needs while you have been sick? What is the severity of your sickness? Also,, do you work or are you a SAHM? Wish you the best for the future.
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Old 29th May 2017, 10:48 AM   #27
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Hi Red, if you are aware of his intentions and you are also clear about your own then you know this would be like falling into a trap. You have said that you need to be separated for a year. Would this weekend anniversary trip not jeopardise that separation? I would go with BetrayedH's suggestion to maintain status quo and after your year of separation is over then take a call on what you want to do. Who keeps a record of your separation? You said there is no legal separation where you live then someone official would have to keep a record. Otherwise you could go to court tomorrow and claim your one year separation and file for divorce.

If you are leaning toward reconciliation do not do so out of weakness either emotionally or physically. Do you have your own family in the place where you live? If so can you get someone from your family to stay with you? How long do you think it will take you to get better? Who is looking after your needs while you have been sick? What is the severity of your sickness? Also,, do you work or are you a SAHM? Wish you the best for the future.
Hi. I have lots of support but not really someone who could live with me. My illness has no cure so I will never get better persay but can at times feel better than others. I am on medical leave so I still have income. I have a great job, I'm just away from it right now. I'm not thinking reconciliation, and I don't feel weak. As far as separation we have to prove being separated at the one year mark. It's my understanding that we can still live together just have to live separate lives. So I guess this works against it. There is a clause that allows for 90 days reconciliation time within the year
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Old 29th May 2017, 12:21 PM   #28
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Believe me there is nothing warm about our marriage now, it might be familiar but I am not his loving, warm wife anymore. So I doubt that's his reason for trying to stay.
It sounds to me like you're ready to forgive him and walk away, no hard feelings. I was going to ask you why he wants to stay married. Now you've answered the question before that one.

I often wonder why, after cheating, a man would be desperate to stay with his wife. I understand why that might be a practical decision, but I never got the sudden pangs of deep remorse. It seems more like a reaction to losing what you have (like when you get dumped unexpectedly) than it does a genuine feeling of protecting what you already have.

It might help him if you were to thoroughly discuss the reasons he wants to stay married. Maybe if he understands that some of the things he says he wants are now unavailable to him with you, he can be persuaded to divorce amicably and without drama.
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Old 29th May 2017, 12:53 PM   #29
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If you're not leaning towards reconciliation, then I'd think that this trip is just going to make it more difficult for you to detach from your H, which I would think is already difficult considering that you're still in the same home together. Seems like you'd be going the wrong direction.

But if you're not set on divorce and are still on the fence...

Tough choices. But they are yours to make.
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Old 29th May 2017, 1:05 PM   #30
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If you're not leaning towards reconciliation, then I'd think that this trip is just going to make it more difficult for you to detach from your H, which I would think is already difficult considering that you're still in the same home together. Seems like you'd be going the wrong direction.

But if you're not set on divorce and are still on the fence...

Tough choices. But they are yours to make.
I see what your saying. I guess I really just want to go. As much as I want out of this mess of a marriage, he is actually who I feel safest going away with. An example of this is I love to hike, and now I move so much slower and I can't go for long periods of time. If I go with a friend I always have the feeling in the back of my head that they are not enjoying themselves as much because I slow them down, they never say it though. I never feel that way when I go with him. He is always so patient and he seems to always enjoy the hikes even though I'm slow and he always says how proud he is that I do it. I know, I need to move on and be able to do these things without him but I would like one more time. He got a room with two beds at my request.
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