LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree458Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 7th May 2017, 2:26 AM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: India
Posts: 165
Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead?

I cheated on my husband of 2 years. We were together for 4 years. He has initiated the divorce proceedings. But I am having a hard time forgiving myself. Not sure if I would ever get out of this mess. I never got to speak with him after d day. I just once want the opportunity to speak with him. I have been waiting for him to just say something since d day happened 2 months back. I have this unimaginable pain inside me that is pulling me down. The guilt is too heavy for me to carry. Not sure what I am going to do next. Need some help from this community to help me cope with the situation.
Deepremorse5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 2:50 AM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 47
I am sorry you are here. In some cultures infidelity is treated more harshly than in others. If you are not going to get forgiveness from your husband then you will need to forgive yourself. EVERYONE has made mistakes.....EVERYONE.
Kayc5634 likes this.
smi11ie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 3:00 AM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 31
Please explain your full story
Why you cheated
Or under what circumstances (which leads to you cheating)

Do you wants to save your marriage?

Why he is not talking to you?
I think its because he dont want any further pain
Confrontation is very painful and the details of the affair are also painful
So he is saving himself from this pain

Was it physical affair??
Is he divorcing you on the grounds of adultery?
ahmed8xm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 3:02 AM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by smi11ie View Post
I am sorry you are here. In some cultures infidelity is treated more harshly than in others. If you are not going to get forgiveness from your husband then you will need to forgive yourself. EVERYONE has made mistakes.....EVERYONE.
There is no one in this world who will accept infidelity ok!
ahmed8xm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 3:07 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 70
Quote:
Originally Posted by ahmed8xm View Post
There is no one in this world who will accept infidelity ok!
This is true but I guess smi11ie meant that the OP can moan over her mistake for a while but eventually she has to move on!
csad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 3:32 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: India
Posts: 165
Quote:
Originally Posted by ahmed8xm View Post
Please explain your full story
Why you cheated
Or under what circumstances (which leads to you cheating)

Do you wants to save your marriage?

Why he is not talking to you?
I think its because he dont want any further pain
Confrontation is very painful and the details of the affair are also painful
So he is saving himself from this pain

Was it physical affair??
Is he divorcing you on the grounds of adultery?

I wish I could know why I cheated. I will definitely put my story here just not now. I am not in a good shape to write long paragraphs. Excuse me for that.

Yes I want to save my marriage but I know that it's over. Just holding on to last bit of hope that he will change his mind.

He has informed via his lawyer that he will only speak after divorce is finalised. Even though I have tried everything, I can't reach him.

Physical Affair- yes

Filed divorce under mutual consent.
Deepremorse5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 3:50 AM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 31
Ok take your time

Is he have any evidence ?

If he has but not divorcing you on the grounds of adultry

It means he dont want you to face the words of society

Well i think he is a nice guy
He just wants to end the marriage peacefully
Remember one thing the pain of betrayal is very bad
A person feels like a sh*t your husband maybe suffering from all this

He needs time

I think you will feel only better when he will say 'i forgive you'
Forgiveness doesn't mean he will be your husband forever
It means he will not have any bad thoughts about you in his heart

I think these are things that he will tell you after divorce
(Its just my prediction)

I think you need IC (individual counseling) to learn how to forgive yourself
JustJoe likes this.
ahmed8xm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 3:53 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: India
Posts: 165
Every time I look at my parents I see disappointment in their eyes. It hurts me to my core. My in-laws always treated me like their own daughter. I disappointed them too. I am hating myself more with each passing day.

Few days back it was my b'day. Not sure why but I had this small hope that my husband will finally call. I waited for his call the whole day but didn't receive anything. I guess that crushed me. Since then I am having disturbing thoughts. Hate to admit it but one time I thought about hurting myself. But spoke to my sister and she put some sense into me.

I want to fight for him but don't know where to start. Attempts to reach him via my parents, his parents siblings and friends didn't go well. No one knows where he is staying other than his lawyer.
Deepremorse5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 3:54 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Central Cali
Posts: 132
Shame, regret, and remorse

This is something my WW has been working on in IC. She feels a great deal of shame. Semantics aside, that means she knows she has done something wrong and that makes her a bad person. What she is working on is moving on from shame. Yes, she did something wrong. That does not mean that she is a bad person. The struggle for her is in forgiving herself. It sounds like the OP is stuck in a position of shame.

I can certainly understand your desire to speak to your BS. It sound as though you are feeling a great deal of shame and regret. But that is the sad effect of affairs: the choices you made have far reaching consequences. If you have read other stories on this forum you probably have a pretty good idea of what your BH is experiencing. I can understand, with everything that he is going through he may not want to ever hear from you again. But you don't need me or anyone else to keep berating you at this point. It sounds as though you know the results of your actions.

Please, as soon as you can, do some research online to find a therapist in your area. Do not be scared or nervous in seeking help. Yes you have done a bad thing but it does not make you a bad person. You may feel like you do not deserve to feel better or that you are not worth the effort of even trying. Please do not fall prey to these kinds of thoughts and feelings. If you have family or close friends you should also call on them. The kind of people that will still love you and support you even though they know or even when they find out what has happened.

Without knowing anymore about your situation than you have said you may need to give up on trying to contact your BH. If his state of mind is in anyway typical, reaching out to him will not be well received by him. I certainly hope that others with greater wisdom and experience will chime in and correct me if I am wrong here, but perhaps writing a letter to him and passing it to him through someone he trusts might work out well. Otherwise it might help to write all of your feelings down as a journal. I have found that to be useful as there are times when I have more to say than my WW can withstand at any one sitting. That way I can still get my feelings and emotions out in some form.

Once again, please take care of yourself and seek out the help of a therapist. Pleas don't get discouraged if you don't find the right match the first time or two. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find a therapist that will work well for you.
Unforseen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 3:55 AM   #10
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by csad View Post
This is true but I guess smi11ie meant that the OP can moan over her mistake for a while but eventually she has to move on!
I know but she used the wrong words ( some cultures act harshly against infidelity) these are not right words
ahmed8xm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 4:18 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: India
Posts: 165
I will try to put my story tonight.
I crossed my boundries with a colleague who was also my ex boyfriend. On dday, my husband didnt say anything just texted me few pics of me and my affair partner. Some of them were recent and few were atleast a month old. So I guess he knew before that day. By the time I reached home, he was gone.
His lawyer mentioned that they have strong evidence but for my future sake, he has filled under mutual consent.

I know for sure he still cares about me. Few days before my b'day, I had a bad day and I was admitted to hospital. My brother texted him at night 11pm. By 3am he was here. Even though he didn't come inside, later I was informed that he came and left after few hours. Since he came, I guess it built hopes in me that he will call on my b'day. Guess I was wrong.
Deepremorse5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 4:21 AM   #12
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deepremorse5 View Post

I want to fight for him but don't know where to start. Attempts to reach him via my parents, his parents siblings and friends didn't go well. No one knows where he is staying other than his lawyer.

He is saving himself from the pain
He is suffering from extreme pain
No one can understand the pain the BS is going through
Only a BS can.

I know what you did was wrong but good thing is you are taking responsibility of your actions
I know the indian family system
How parents feel when these things happen because they didn't raise you like ths.
My advice is you should apologize to your parents his parents(i hope you aldready did that)

For some people (including me) infidelity is a dealbreaker .
I think your husband is one of them

Your parents will forgive you
You need some professional help.
ahmed8xm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 4:43 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 264
If there's any hope of saving the marriage, you need to absolutely BEG and APOLOGIZE to him in whatever way you have of contacting him. Email, post, waiting outside his house, etc.

Whatever you do, do NOT launch into a litany of justifications or reasons for your cheating. He needs to hear that it was entirely your fault and that you'd do ANYTHING to get him back. No one but him knows if that would be enough.

Honestly, if your husband wasn't man enough for you (which is how he feels right now), why do you want him back? Whatever the outcome, you need to examine the reasons why you cheated. Unless your personality has substantially changed in the recent past, you'd cheat again.
WilyWill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 4:48 AM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 264
Double Post

Last edited by WilyWill; 7th May 2017 at 4:49 AM.. Reason: double post
WilyWill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th May 2017, 5:09 AM   #15
Member
 
Nirbhao.Nirvair's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deepremorse5 View Post
I want to fight for him but don't know where to start. Attempts to reach him via my parents, his parents siblings and friends didn't go well. No one knows where he is staying other than his lawyer.
Can you file a habeas corpus? Will that be too extreme?
Nirbhao.Nirvair is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How do I move past the guilt and move on with my life? May72 Coping 9 23rd September 2013 4:51 AM
Can't Move Past My Guilt LAWoeMan Infidelity 6 14th November 2012 2:13 PM
How to move past the guilt??? GabbyGirl Infidelity 25 4th November 2011 10:20 PM
Do I put kids on hold or move ahead with my life? Existential_Belle Infidelity 13 1st August 2007 1:59 PM
I guess it's time to move ahead with divorce? memomma Separation and Divorce 5 22nd March 2005 12:48 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 5:50 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.