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Losing my mind. Help!


SarahIsMyAlias

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SarahIsMyAlias

I was engaged in January and married in June. My fiancé/now husband is wonderful. All my friends always say how lucky I am. He is the most considerate man I've ever met, and thoughtful too. Always surprising me and being so sweet. We even volunteer regularly together at the childrens hospital. He has a big heart. Anyway, A few months before the wedding, I realized I had feelings for a coworker. I found out he had feelings for me too when one evening after a company function and some alcohol consumption, he kissed me and told me how he'd felt this way about me for months.

 

The next day when we were sober we knew it was wrong and said it wouldn't happen again. Well it did. And I fell in love with him. My wedding was a destination wedding on Mexico, and the day before we were supposed to leave I called him bawling saying that I loved him and didn't think I could go through with it. He said I "shouldn't make this decision based on him" that I should try to take him out of the equation and then make the decision based on my fiancé and is relationship. But when I take him out of the equation, I have a great man I'm about to marry, so why wouldn't i? I said "don't you love me?" And he said "I've never been in love before but I don't think I can say I've fallen in love with someone who has been engaged this whole time" he just kept complaining of the circumstances, when I didn't care about how we met, I just cared that I loved him.

 

Anyway. He didn't tell me to leave my fiancé, so I didn't. I got married and came home. When I got home he had written a journal everyday I was gone. He told me that letting me go that night was the worst mistake he'd ever made and he hates himself for it. He said he was taking some bad advice from a friend who he wished he never listened to. We ended up falling back into an affair. We spent the week together last week at a conference and it was one of the best weeks of my life. The way he makes me feel, I haven't felt with my husband in a very long time. I don't know what to do though. I love them both. I never though this would happen to me.

 

My husband and I are like the all American couple. My family loves him SO much, I know they'd be shocked and saddened if I left him. And I know they wouldn't like the other guy as much as they like him. Honestly, I don't even think the other guy is cuter or better than my husband. I think he makes me laugh a lot more and I feel like he gets me. Plus, my husband and I have no passion. I wonder if I'm even attracted to him. I don't really like having sex with him and we don't do it very much. I'm so torn. I know what I'm doing is wrong and want to stop and make a decision. But, if I chose the other guy will I regret it? Will all our passion eventually fade away? Will he stop making me laugh? Will I forever be plagued by the fact that i let the worlds best man get away?

 

Can someone please help without guilt tripping me? I already feel really bad about it I assure you.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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My advise can pretty much only come from being cheated on by My H. So, gently I can advise you that your actions WHEN they come to light, will destroy everything you have ever held dear including yourself and who you thought you were as well as who you want to be. I don't want this for you or Your Husband :(

 

Please think about what you want/need then take action that is respectful and kind to those you have made commitments too whether that be divorcing Your new Husband or staying and getting counselling. But I don't think that cheating is your healthiest option however much you want to.

 

Take of you and yours,

CIH*

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Your life is short. You have no kids to worry about. Leave your marriage and go be with the man that makes you happy.

 

Yes, everyone around you will be shocked. But you can't live your life for other people.

 

My only caveat is that you shouldn't be surprised if once you leave and become devoted to your OM, that the dynamics of your relationship change dramatically. Right now, you are living in the high of an affair bubble, which has little to do with real life.

 

SO - before you do make the leap to this guy, ask yourself if he has the values, goals, lifestyle, respect, and integrity that you want in a life partner. All the chemistry and passion in the world won't make up for it if he doesn't.

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SarahIsMyAlias

@mom Thats what Im so worried about. If i can objectively look at the two of them, and my husband can outrank the other guy in every area, shouldn't i stay with him and just try to get some passion back/ fall back in love with him?

 

Also, it makes no sense to me that i can KNOW my husband is better, but still be so in love with this other person.

 

What is wrong with me.

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Well.. you let yourself cross the line. And that's unfortunate.

 

Perhaps you got cold feet and subconsciously wanted one last hoorah, and this is how it manifested itself? Maybe this could have been any guy that you shared a laugh and an attraction with, not necessarily this guy in particular.

 

How much is sex the issue? Could you put it on a scale of 1-10 for both your husband and this man?

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First off, you need to be honest with your husband. He has the right to know what has happened so he can make decisions. You starting this marriage off with lies, deceit and cheating (yes, emotional cheating is cheating), basically made your vows a farce.

 

 

This OM is feeling a high from this ego-stroke. That's all you are to him. He's a true player and he found the perfect victim. It's easy to be a player, it's easy to tell a chick the things she wants to hear, the take a story and make references to his own experiences to make it sound like you two click. Go ahead and fight for this OM and if you get as far as moving in with him, be on the outlook for his personality traits, which will include him cheating on you. Along with that you'll notice his bad habits and the infatuation you two have will now be gone.

 

 

Your post shows no remorse, just excuses on why you cheated (and continue to cheat). You put your husband's emotional and physical health at risk. You destroyed your vows before you were even done saying them. You took a future and without care destroyed lives.

 

 

So to ask us what we should do, well anyone with common sense and a good head on their shoulders would tell you to go NC with this OM, confess to your husband and find a very good psychologist because these red flags about your mental and emotional stability are a sure sign that even worse things are going to come to you if you don't get help.

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SarahIsMyAlias

I know what I've done was wrong. I'm here for advice and have the opportunity to tell my story succinctly with only a few short paragraphs. I'm not expressing remorse in these paragraphs, I'm trying to objectively give you as many of the facts as possible without rambling on.

 

Also, I understand how you might think the OM is all those things you described but he just isn't. We are both God fearing people who never imagined we'd end up in in a situation like this. We aren't both habitual cheaters. We aren't bad people.

 

People like you are the reason I was hesitant to come on the internet and ask for advice in the first place. I don't need to be made to feel bad, to be told I'm ruining lives and that I'm emotionally unstable. I already know all of these things. I feel them everyday. Thanks for making me feel them once more.

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SarahIsMyAlias

@appreciate I think it has a lot to do with sex. Sex with my husband is like a 3 or 4, I never want to do it. I don't enjoy being intimate with him, kissing him, staring into his eyes, etc. With the other person, I feel like we could stare at each other all night long and never get tired of it. Sex with him is like 8.5 or 9.

 

It makes me so scared to think I will spend the rest of my life not enjoying sex. I don't want that, but don't know how to make it better.

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I am a bit confused - what exactly has taken place with OM, kissing, sex, or just kissing and emotions?

 

You don't like have sex that much with your husband, exactly how long were you with him(sex) before being married that this did not occur to you ? the lack of passion?

 

 

I will tell you this - the "X factor" as oldshirt once mentioned here, of sexual desire is very hard to make happen - especially if it was NEVER there with your husband. You may have a good husband, but since you cheated your not good for him, let him go. Yes the passion for OM MAY fade, and you MAY be left regretting losing a wonderful man - but you don't love this wonderful man ENOUGH, or your sexual passions are not connected enough with love for him to make it work. Let your good man go - as mentioned it is easy now - legally speaking and quick.

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@mom Thats what Im so worried about. If i can objectively look at the two of them, and my husband can outrank the other guy in every area, shouldn't i stay with him and just try to get some passion back/ fall back in love with him?

 

Also, it makes no sense to me that i can KNOW my husband is better, but still be so in love with this other person.

 

What is wrong with me.

 

That's it - you will feel most in love with the one you focus the most energy on.

 

Move far away. Don't see or communicate with your OM. These are IF you intend to actively participate in your marriage!

 

If you think you will keep obsessing about the scumbag OM - then be fair to your H and divorce him so he can find a gal that adores and loves him = and shows action to PROVE it.

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SarahIsMyAlias

@dichotomy. Everything has happened. I don't think I realized how badly our sex life had become until I had experienced it again with the OM. Now I don't know how to live without it again. My husband and have been together for a five years (all but a few months were dating) and at first we had a lot of passion, so its not like it was never there, just gone now.

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I know what I've done was wrong. I'm here for advice and have the opportunity to tell my story succinctly with only a few short paragraphs. I'm not expressing remorse in these paragraphs, I'm trying to objectively give you as many of the facts as possible without rambling on.

 

Is there such a thing as being objective while cheating on a spouse? I honestly do not know :confused:

 

Also, I understand how you might think the OM is all those things you described but he just isn't. We (Leave OM out of it and focus on YOU first*) are both God fearing people who never imagined we'd end up in in a situation like this. (Pretty sure God wants no part of your adultery). We aren't both habitual cheaters (Have you done this more than two or three times?). We aren't bad people (I believe this can be true, but your actions are certainly telling a different story to even yourself & I think that bothers you just as much).

 

People like you are the reason I was hesitant to come on the internet and ask for advice in the first place. (Don't let other posters, no matter how correct, dictate what you want to say because it is how you feel. but please don't be upset with people here for reminding you of the truth of your situation, it's still most of the time meant to be supportive, even if it isn't what you want to hear). I don't need to be made to feel bad, to be told I'm ruining lives and that I'm emotionally unstable. I already know all of these things. (I believe you do "already know" and that's why you are here. I ALSO believe you already know what to do in order to get right with yourself and your people). I feel them everyday. Thanks for making me feel them once more.

 

OP, You know what is right. I believe it is just really REALLY difficult to get out of this situation unscathed, which may be what you are looking for?.?.

I hope you get things resolved quickly & quietly regardless of whom you choose. You are who You are going to have to live with every day. What do you want to see when you look in the mirror? (that line keeps me 'in line' often*) :)

 

Responses in bold

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@appreciate I think it has a lot to do with sex. Sex with my husband is like a 3 or 4, I never want to do it. I don't enjoy being intimate with him, kissing him, staring into his eyes, etc. With the other person, I feel like we could stare at each other all night long and never get tired of it. Sex with him is like 8.5 or 9.

 

It makes me so scared to think I will spend the rest of my life not enjoying sex. I don't want that, but don't know how to make it better.

 

You're not a bad person. I understand how you feel. While my situation is not identical, (you can read about my situation on in a different post, I won't go into detail here) it maybe if you fast forward 10yrs for you. The best thing I can tell you is that I didn't have any kids, I would have never stayed married this long. The one thing my affair did for me is made me realize how happy i could be. And even when i do end up divorced, and the same woman isn't there, i now know what happy feels like.

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@dichotomy. Everything has happened. I don't think I realized how badly our sex life had become until I had experienced it again with the OM. Now I don't know how to live without it again. My husband and have been together for a five years (all but a few months were dating) and at first we had a lot of passion, so its not like it was never there, just gone now.

 

This is your only hope for staying I think. If at one point your husband and you really clicked sexually... I think you maybe could find a way back if you can really figure out why it went down hill.

 

It is always a difficult thing (believe me I know this personally) when there is not a clear reason for the sexual passion to have disappeared when you got a great spouse who treats you well.

 

Your going to have to tell him. But here is my suggested steps. NC immediately with OM, enter into intensive individual therapy (like twice weekly) with a marriage specialist, try to get some basic understand of what the heck is behind this, and what's going on in your heart and head...then tell your husband. Why do I advocate waiting a month or more to tell him - because it appears you simply have no idea what to say, why you did it, or what you want to do. NC is the first step. You can tell OM look I need to figure this out, leave me alone for the time being.

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I think you just need to get a D and move on to be with the OM. Your H deserves a woman he thought he was getting. You clearly messed up now you just need to deal with it. Give your H a chance to find a woman that better suits him. Its no longer really about what you want.You already took what you wanted now give your H a chance to go find real love.

 

Clay

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SarahIsMyAlias
OP, You know what is right. I believe it is just really REALLY difficult to get out of this situation unscathed, which may be what you are looking for?.?.

I hope you get things resolved quickly & quietly regardless of whom you choose. You are who You are going to have to live with every day. What do you want to see when you look in the mirror? (that line keeps me 'in line' often*) :)

 

Responses in bold

 

 

 

Thanks @CIH. I do know what is right. I hate myself for doing this. I really do. and I could never ever tell anyone, especially my husband, what I've done. I'd rather just leave and move away then admit to this.

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and if you do decide you want to reconcile, understand your husband may likely not.

 

Stop the affair, think, confess, and decide.

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I think you just need to get a D and move on to be with the OM. Your H deserves a woman he thought he was getting. You clearly messed up now you just need to deal with it. Give your H a chance to find a woman that better suits him. Its no longer really about what you want.You already took what you wanted now give your H a chance to go find real love.

 

Clay

 

 

I agree. You've been married a few months and have made your M a farce.

 

Your H has no idea who he's really married to.

 

Give him a break and a chance to live a happy life and divorce him.

 

You're not the woman he THINKS you are.

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Thanks @CIH. I do know what is right. I hate myself for doing this. I really do. and I could never ever tell anyone, especially my husband, what I've done. I'd rather just leave and move away then admit to this.

 

 

Ok if you want to leave, but I feel YOU OWE your husband an explanation and some honesty, even if it is on the way out the door. Be accountable and honest.

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Thanks @CIH. I do know what is right. I hate myself for doing this. I really do. and I could never ever tell anyone, especially my husband, what I've done. I'd rather just leave and move away then admit to this.

 

The cowards way. You'll leave him thinking HE did something wrong when it was only your fault.

 

That's just despicable.

 

Tell him about the REAL you.

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Also be ready - sex was hot and heavy with your husband at first too, whats 5 years with OM or any other man going to look like? You need Individual therapy for you own sake and for future relationships with good men.

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@dichotomy. Everything has happened. I don't think I realized how badly our sex life had become until I had experienced it again with the OM. Now I don't know how to live without it again. My husband and have been together for a five years (all but a few months were dating) and at first we had a lot of passion, so its not like it was never there, just gone now.

 

Let me guess.... you dated for years and after spending so many years together you got to the point of you pretty much either break up or get married???

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I suggest you follow Dichotomy'a advice which is the most measured and thoughtful advice. At the moment you are using and abusing your husband. If you have any regard for him at all you cannot continue living this lie with him.

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