[netrie]

Originally posted by CanadianGirl
I am married and having an affair with a married man for quite a few months now. I started the affair because I am looking for a relationship not marriage.
I am no longer 'in love' with my H and am planning on divorce in the near future.
I fortunately/unfortunately have fallen in love with MM.
Can a married man ever have a change in heart and mind? He told me he loves his wife but is not in love with her.

GET SOME THERAPY QUICKLY... I do not see that you are on a healthy path at all and it sounds self-destructive. Stop everything and get some professional help to find out why you are doing this to yourself----unhappy marriage; involvement with a married man? NOT GOOD for you.

Good luck,
Netalia

[Complicated]

My situation is very similar. I work with a MM too and my feelings for him grow everyday. I have worked with him for three years and our friendship gets stronger. I can look into his eyes and know there is something there for me. I have never pursued my feelings for him and vise versa. I truly believe he has feelings for me but I still am not sure.

I go to work everyday and work so hard to keep my feelings at bay for fear that it will hurt our friendship. He rarely talks abou this wife and when he does it is usually negative but sometimes positive. He has three children which he adores.

He compliments me and is always curious about my well being as I am for him. I am sure you know what I mean.

I ask the same questions to whether things would change if the truth was out in the open. Should I risk the friendship? Would he leave his wife, or would I be heartbroken? Questions I wish I had answers to.

You are the first I have met that is in the same situation where the other party isn't aware of your feelings and sexual encounters while married are out of the question. Please stay in touch. I would love to hear how your situation is going.

[saleslady898]

Originally posted by Complicated
My situation is very similar. I work with a MM too and my feelings for him grow everyday. I have worked with him for three years and our friendship gets stronger. I can look into his eyes and know there is something there for me. I have never pursued my feelings for him and vise versa. I truly believe he has feelings for me but I still am not sure.

I go to work everyday and work so hard to keep my feelings at bay for fear that it will hurt our friendship. He rarely talks abou this wife and when he does it is usually negative but sometimes positive. He has three children which he adores.

He compliments me and is always curious about my well being as I am for him. I am sure you know what I mean.

I ask the same questions to whether things would change if the truth was out in the open. Should I risk the friendship? Would he leave his wife, or would I be heartbroken? Questions I wish I had answers to.

You are the first I have met that is in the same situation where the other party isn't aware of your feelings and sexual encounters while married are out of the question. Please stay in touch. I would love to hear how your situation is going.

[saleslady898]

Complicated.

[Breathe]

Yeah, when she finally kicks his sorry ass to the curb!

I am here to say my MM did leave his wife, but also left me - - - he died!!!!

I considered myself the 2nd wife as opposed to the OW because he took care of me (most of the time) like a husband would.

My heart is broken because I truly believed he was my soulmate. We had a relationship like any other either of us ever had. We were absolutely made for each other. I always told him "I love you to death", "I will NEVER leave you" and "...til death do us part."

The only bright side to this is that I don't have to struggle with the multitude of questions that haunt women in this situation.

"will he ever leave?"
"when will he leave?"
"will we be as happy and in love if he does leave?"
"was he really NOT having sex with her?"

He was tormented emotionally and felt trapped. He couldn't leave her and he couldn't leave me. He would sometimes say "I should just put a gun to my head" or "I can't keep doing this" or "Neither of you deserve this" or "I'm tired of living this double life." Sometimes I considered leaving so he could find peace. Then, I would say "why the hell should I suffer, why can't she leave?" He would tell me to let him go and if it's meant to be he will come back when he handles his marital/divorce business. I was too afraid and too in love to let go. I would give him space and time, but neither of us could let go for good. I am so glad I didn't let go because I would have missed out on the little bit of time I did have with him. She had over 30 years and I only had over 3 years.

Although, I honestly believe he would still be alive if he had not exerted his energies in so many directions. He was dealing with a life-threatening illness and he didn't focus his energy on his health. I did my part and gave him space to focus on his health. She, on the other hand, continued to pressure him for her own selfish gains. She was very demanding and was always pushing him to do things to keep up the phony "happy couple" thing.

I believe in the power of God and feel this was God's way of intervening. He may have answered a subconscious prayer my boyfriend had. Maybe subconsciously he knew in his heart he couldn't leave either of us on his own. I hope and pray to God he is at peace.

[izzybelle]

before i got involved with a MM i really was under the impression that many worked out. my brother left his wife for his OW, a friend of my boss left his W and married his OW, a friend of my exH left his W when his kids left for college and is married to his OW, and my ex, i suspect was messing with his now fiance before we got divorced, and i know a number of women who left for their OMs..... so from my experience before i experienced it myself and read all of the stories here was that it happened frequently. and then i read all the posts saying that it hardly ever happens. guess i must know almost all the people who did!

Yes, I've also been (and still am) deeply and truely in love with a married man. I gave up my own marriage because I didn't want to live in a lie.
Never asked him to give up his, even discouraged him to do so. (Thought that should be a choice of his own, not depending on me or our situation)
But I couldn't stand to be the other woman, have too much selfrespect for that. Don't like sneaky things or being something that must be kept secret. Couldn't see him being so sad and torned. So I broke up with him and gave him back to his own life and wife. (yes, of course hoping that ...)
Inside I'm still crying and dying, every day, even after three years, because I know it was LOVE (what i felt for him) and if we only would have met 15 years ago.....
He's not happy either. (so I've heard) Why don't men have the guts to go for it?!? I've been the other woman, and also been a good girl, but this question still keeps me awake....
Sorry for my poor English, but I'm from Europe and not so many forums there about this item... Like to get replies from others about this....

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by maria72
Yes, some married men divorce their wives and marry their OW...I've know this to happen a few times.

Did they have children?

[LadyLuck]

Yes married men do leave their wives for the OW, because my husband left me after 10 years of marriage for OW and we have two kids!

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by LadyLuck
Yes married men do leave their wives for the OW, because my husband left me after 10 years of marriage for OW and we have two kids!

LadyLuck - was this recently? What was the scenario? How long was he with OW before you broke up? How old are your children? Do you have another love in your life yet?

[LadyLuck]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara
LadyLuck - was this recently? What was the scenario? How long was he with OW before you broke up? How old are your children? Do you have another love in your life yet?

Hiya there,

We seperated around 3 years back now, so I'm over it all and am now able to speak about it and so here goes:

OK, I kinda suspected that he was having an affair and I did actually confront him and ask if he was having an affair. He denied it, which they do. The signs were all there however and these were the 'warning' signs for me:

His mobile phone would bleep (text messages) in the early hours of the morning. (He wouldn't allow me near his mobile phone)

He'd stayed out all night on two occasions, which he'd never done throughout the whole ten years. (told me he'd stayed at a friends home).

He began buying me flowers more often, paying me more attention, he would kiss me on the way to work, etc... (something he'd ever rarely done before).

Sex increased (yep, that happens)

A week prior to him walking out on me, I'd noticed he was very quiet, lost his appetite and was very withdrawn. I'd asked him what was bugging him, he replied that he was just having a tough time at work.........so I left it at that.

The night before the morning he left for good, we were talking of where we were going to spend our summer holiday......LOL!! Little did I suspect that he was planning to walk out on me a few hours later for the OW! But this particular night also, he'd started an argument with me, for no reason at all and I'd totally lost my cool with him. He'd then told me that he was going to spend the night at a friends house and off he went. I know now that he'd deliberately caused the argument, to go off and be with OW for the night!!!

Next morning he came back very early and began packing his cases. He told me he was leaving me, he was going to stay at his friends home. This is when I knew that he was having an affair. I begged him to tell me the truth, he kept denying there was anyone else involved.........but then he broke down and told me that 'yes', he'd met someone else and he was leaving me and our kids to be with her!!

I asked him if he loved her, he said 'yes'. Iasked him how long the affair had been going on, he replied, '3 weeks'. I'd laughed when he said that, couldn't believe that he was actually leaving me and his kids for a woman he'd only known three weeks. But apparantly and it turned out, that his friendship with this woman had begun six months previous. They'd been involved emotionally, before the physical happened. OW was in a bad marriage and he'd become her listening ear and support..........hence it went from there.

Our kids are 9 & 7 years old!

And yes I do have another love in my life. A guy with whom I was in a long relationship, before I met my husband and got married........so I kinda look upon the whole thing now, that my H and his OW actually did me a big favour.....lol

[Stinkerbelle]

I know that the statistics quoted for relationships that begin as affairs are not good. I've heard statistics as low as 15%. Then again, there is also a high rate of failure in marriages where a spouse has been unfaithful and there is an attempt to reconcile. Only around 35% of them make it a year or more.

The tough thing is, that those statistics are hard to verify...not many people go around talking about the fact that their marriage survived, or began as, an affair.

My own opinion is, that if two people in an affair are going to try to start over and have a relationship, it would take a lot of work. Both partners would have to be willing to acknowledge their own mistakes and bad behaviors in the past, and be aware that that behavior can't continue. Likewise, if a married couple is going to recover from an affair, both of them are going to have to acknowledge their culpability, work to change behavior, and try to build trust.

I personally think that, the longer an affair goes on in secret and lies, the less likely the relationship is to survive. Likewise, the harder a marriage will be to save. Lies destroy love and erode trust. And a person who can lie for years is damn hard to trust.

I don't think it is unreasonable. I left my first wife for another woman and we (first wife and I) had a kid. And I recently met someone else online and plan to leave the second wife. So don't give up on him. Yes, men do leave if they aren't happy.

[Stinkerbelle]

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