Originally Posted by Owl
NH...here's the problem. His method 'assumes' she has an interest in repairing the damage done by her affair...which is not the case at all in your situation.
There's no remorse, no regret, no acceptance for responsibility of her actions.
There's no desire to admit that there was damage done by her affair.
How does he plan on getting her to the point where she's willing to repair the damage she's done? That's the part that seems to be missing here.
Or even on that "broader level plan"...your wife isn't willing to participate in working to fix anything. She's not willing to admit that SHE has any changes to make at all.
HOW does he plan on getting her to that point before you lose interest in trying to rebuild the marriage/pay him for this advice?
HOW does he plan on getting her to attend?
IF his plan all hinges on getting her willing cooperation...his plan's first step has to be how to get that cooperation.
Otherwise your wasting time and money.
This is all very true.
Since there no admitting that things need to CHANGE (from HER end) - you can expect NO CHANGE.
But - you CAN only expect change IF IT COMES FROM YOU.
She obviously likes the status quo as for now - which is part of what makes me suspicious that she's still in contact with her OM.
You're somewhat "off her back" and she's keeping you quiet with playing pretty wife - getting sex- and NOT having to DO everything you require! The perfect situation to resume her affair... Of course it means you need to not notice certain nuances - ones you won't notice since she's over accommodating and overcompensating "enough" to where you won't dig deeper and find her little loophole.
Affair partners always have backup plans and plan for "that loophole".
She's banking on you not digging into the fine details to see "her evidence" that it has resumed.
I think the OM's wife may be a good source at this point!
She may be capable of providing some info you can deem useful.
You can spend money on counseling. It will be useful money spent if you go at it with the idea of becoming the best YOU you can possibly be (wih or without your W). A divorce is more costly than counseling! ;-)
Improving yourself will NEVER be wasted money!!!
The counselors you've been using aren't helping - so I'd suggest changing therapists. Harley isn't the ONLY one who can help you. We've all been in YOUR SHOES... Life experiences counts for a lot. I can tell you what worked for me and what didn't. We all know it's up to YOU to make decisions that are in your best interest. Don't knock us for throwing out there our truth and what we've lived through - there's value in what everyone here has experienced.
It's best to honor yourself and to NOT allow her to dishonor YOU.saying NO has value.
Since she says she lives you - it would be nice if she had further action and growth that showed that EVIDENCE by becoming WILLING to repair the damage she's done. It's not YOURS to fix.
If your wife makes a decision NOT to improve HERSELF - then all she's offering you is her same OLD cheating self. If that's the case - YOU DESERVE BETTER. No need to settle! Love yourself enough to not settle.