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Sometimes he just ignores my texts [UPDATE I went to see him this weekend]


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 10th January 2017, 2:55 AM   #61
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I have not sent any love messages. We are not there yet. It's more what I am doing, random things, jokes, etc. He doesn't always reply. Sometimes he does, sometimes he does not. :/
Then you're looking for acknowledgement. Accept that it can be there or not. Whenever you end your message, end it with a question, like: "Did you like this joke?" Or "How did you like this joke?" Or "What do you think abou that?" or if it's something you're going to do (like going to a party), "Will you take note of that?". Then see if he willingly ignores your messages.

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He said he has not been in a relationship in 4 years.
How did he explain that? Was it a personal choice of being single? Bad luck with girls? What?

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I thought it was a sweet gesture.
A sweet gesture. Not necessarily announcing any commitment.

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He could get sex in the city he lives, he does not need to drive 5 hours for it.
It depends. Maybe having you far away is reassuring. Someone near might get demanding. See what I mean?

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He has not committed to me in the sense of being my boyfriend, being in a relationship. But he has said that he is not dating anyone else, just me.
Dating one girl doesn't necessarily mean commitment. Maybe for him it's enough work. Dating multiple girls at the same time is not for everybody.

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I don't think it is too much information to mention menstruation or PMS. It's a very natural thing every woman has every month
Defecating is a natural thing too, do you feel like sharing your excreting habits with us? Fine with me, if it has anything to do with your LDR. Otherwise, maybe the topic pertains to some other forum.

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I mentioned it because I have endometriosis (as mentioned in another thread), and during that time of the month I experience a lot of pain, physical and mental
Now it's clearer. Your endometriosis exacerbates your pessimism.

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There is enough stigma about invisible illness as well as around women's issues
This has nothing to do with any stigma, just with keeping on topic.

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If someone is weirded out by it, that's on them, ignore it and read on
I gave you some advice, as a reader in a public forum, and as a woman. If you don't like it, ignore it and read on.

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I won't filter myself because someone finds something completely natural and normal offensive
How did the concept of offence enter this thread? Are you paranoid?

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It took me 7 years to openly talk about my endometriosis
I don't know the story of your life. But the fact you had problems with your endometriosis doesn't mean that you have to drop the topic in every conversation. Accept that people might simply not be interested. Just see some doctor about it and cure it. It's clearly affecting your mind.

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Because I was about to get my menstruation
I think he should see how you deal with your health issues, because that would clearly affect the relationship. It already does.

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you may wonder why I like him.
No.
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Old 10th January 2017, 10:36 AM   #62
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UPDATE: He completely backed up.

I am so confused. Today he texted me that it's better if I don't visit him. he does not have the butterflies, says he is not in love, and that he doesn't know what he is supposed to feel.
he says he thinks i am way ahead with 'us' and that he can't see us together longterm. that he has not been in love in 13 years and that he doesnt know what it feels like anymore. he says he really did not love his last girlfriend who he was with for 3 years (they broke up 4 years ago). He says he knew after 3 months that he did not love her but stayed with her because he thought it would 'eventually come'.
Ever since he has not even really dated.
He says that he likes me a lot, that he finds me attractive and interesting, that he likes being close to me and that he enjoys our conversations and sharing thoughts. But he isn't sure if he will develop feelings of love.

I wrote back:
You are hitting the emergency break after 4 consecutive days of visiting me? That's ALL the time we had together.
Yeah, I am not in love either. I did not expect to be in love at this point. I like you, I find you interesting, and I had hoped to find out more about my feelings for you this coming weekend.

He wrote back that he had no idea, he thought i had already been much further and he was scared that i would come see him wanting a relationship.

ok, so i told him that i am not looking for casual sex.
he says he isn't either. he says he may have acted to quickly. he said he still wants me to come and see where it goes. that perhaps he will feel more after this weekend and we can reassess the situation afterwards.

i don't know. i find him to be pretty blunt and honest.
to me, it looks like we are in the same boat to begin with, just that he's overthinking things and a bit unaware of what he is supposed to feel due to his inexperience.

i have had relationships in the past where i was in love after two weeks. my ex and me had it like that. i knew this was different now, and that i probably would not fall in love quickly or the same intensity as with my ex.
but i thought we had enough in common to give it a try, it was too good to pass by. so i am not so sure anymore now.

i dont know if, us meeting this weekend, will be better now that we had that conversation or if it will cloud the experience.
honestly, i had expected he was already head over heels for me, because he recently wrote that i was the best thing that happened to him in 2016 and that i could not possibly believe how happy that makes him.
he says that that is still true. he thinks he is too old fashioned or romantic and wonders if this can't be 'it' because he doesnt feel in love yet.

again, we been texting for two months and we met only once for 4 days after one month of texting/skyping.

i am weirded out by this but i still kinda wanna go see him and see if we have a good time. is that weird?

Anyone experienced something similar and had it end up working out?
or is this just wishful thinking?

i wasnt even really looking for a relationship, i would not be heartbroken if it doesnt work out.
but i feel it's stupid to already hit the emergency break after just 1 meeting?

is he being naive, or am i?
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Old 16th January 2017, 3:06 PM   #63
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I went to see him this weekend.

So, now I went to see him this weekend and we had a really great time together. WE spent a lot of time opening up to each other, telling stories, cooking together, watching movies, taking walk, eating out, playing games, and being intimate with each other. Last night he even cried in my arms after I told him I like him a lot. He said that he had not heard that in a long time.
He even suggested we meet again in a few weeks and he wants to pay for my trip. Is it possible he has now fallen for me?
I felt really close to him this visit. I felt we gotten much closer and he's been really sweet to me. He always looked at me with big eyes, like he admired me.
But because of what he wrote last week I am still cautious.
We also did not have any talk about being together as a couple.
He made all these jokes about how we were like a couple when we did certain things. It seems to me he is unsure about what he wants. Or maybe he's just still slow? I don't know. It bugs me.

Last edited by heavenonearth; 16th January 2017 at 4:24 PM..
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Old 16th January 2017, 7:21 PM   #64
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Of course he is unsure of what he wants and you will scare him off if you ask him 'what this is'.

Honestly, with everything he said, I would not pursue this. You just risk being the next woman he spends the next 3 years with without ever loving her.

His admission that past 3 months dating he knew he was not in love and carried on for 3 years knowing he was not in love, is pretty scary. He has no scruples misleading women just to not be alone.
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Old 17th January 2017, 5:32 AM   #65
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Of course he is unsure of what he wants and you will scare him off if you ask him 'what this is'.

Honestly, with everything he said, I would not pursue this. You just risk being the next woman he spends the next 3 years with without ever loving her.

His admission that past 3 months dating he knew he was not in love and carried on for 3 years knowing he was not in love, is pretty scary. He has no scruples misleading women just to not be alone.
Well, he did say before this weekend he would not want to make the same mistake again. But then he said that he wanted to see where it goes, he did not want to miss out on something great.
So I still went, and this weekend really felt so good. We got really much closer. I have to admit that I felt something this weekend that I did not feel the last time we spent together. Maybe he felt it too? Why would he have cried?
I don't know... He said he really wanted to see me again, he said he'd pay for the trip, he said he would not want me to see other people and that he really likes me a lot. I don't know... I don't know what to do now.
I guess I just don't initiate any contact and focus on what I have to do the coming two weeks, and see if he brings up seeing each other again...

Last night he texted that everything at his house "still smells like me and it's wonderful." He later texted me goodnight kisses.

So far no text from him today.

Last edited by heavenonearth; 17th January 2017 at 5:35 AM..
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Old 17th January 2017, 7:54 AM   #66
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This sounds like it's going to be an awful lot of work...for you.

You can see what the next couple of weeks brings, but I have a feeling it's going to be a lot of on-off with this guy, not knowing where you stand, him coming closer and then pulling away.

Only you can decide how much of that you can tolerate.
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Old 17th January 2017, 8:46 AM   #67
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It does seem like a lot of work.

And, I'd be very concerned about the fact that he doesn't really seem to know what he wants/how he feels. It always feels good when you are together, it will be interesting to see if his doubts come back after some time and distance...

Don't do the push/pull thing... It is a waste of time and energy. If he is really interested and ready for a relationship, you will know it.
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Old 17th January 2017, 4:40 PM   #68
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Thanks guys, I decided now to stop putting work and effort into it.

He was really sweet this weekend and there were several instances where it seemed he was even more into me than I was into him.
But as long as he won't put a label on it, I guess I should just stop pretending like there is something between us....
Gosh, I really like him, this sucks. Never met someone who I have soooo much in common with!
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Old 19th January 2017, 5:19 AM   #69
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When the person you are dating is depressed...

So, what do you do when this is the case?

I know it makes me feel helpless.
Here are the indicators:

1. He hates his job. He loses sleep at night over this, when we are together and when he is alone. He clearly is really stressed out at work. He once mentioned his boss telling him he is 'overpaid and underqualified'. He wants to change careers but hasn't had any luck when applying for other jobs, which probably depressed him even more.

2. He is seeing a therapist to discuss events from his childhood and how they influenced him throughout his life, and how this still has an effect on him now. Things he pushed under the rug for most of his life, which he is now finally confronting. I think this is great, but as someone who is in therapy myself, I know that when stuff comes out at these meetings, it can really pull us down in cases of extreme self-awareness.

3. He hasn't been in a relationship for 4 years, he has few close friends, he works a lot and spends most of his time by himself - is a loner.
When we met, I was the first girl he had slept with in A YEAR!
When we are together, we are so happy.
But when we are not together he texts me that he slept badly, that he feels down, etc. Whenever I ask why, he says "I don't know." !!!!!

We only have been dating for 2,5 months and we are not boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but I really like him a lot and I have told him so. When I did, he started to cry and was really emotional, saying that 'he had not heard that in a really long time'. When we spend time together, he is usually super happy, and he tells me that everything is better with me, that he likes me 'so much'. But when we are not together it's always this sadness and it's always this "I don't know why".... He also insists often that the sadness is just 'temporary' and will pass.

Thoughts?
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Old 19th January 2017, 5:51 AM   #70
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Sounds like he is using the relationship as emotional first aid to help with depression and escape from the stresses of life and work. I was in this boat before in previous relationships and from my past experiences in life this really is not a healthy way to cope with life and it is unfair to the partner.

My greatest advice I can give is something I learned from studying Buddhism which is that no one should be dependent on someone else to create their own happiness. Relationships are healthier when both parties are not emotionally dependent on each other. Otherwise it can be suffocating for the other person and it unfair to them.

Instead of using the relationship to escape from his problems, his stresses in life, his depression, etc ... he should instead tackle his problems head on by going to therapy and learning how to deal with his problems on his own. He needs to learn to be self-reliant, not being dependent on anyone to solve his own problems or escape from his problems in life. He needs to learn to solve his problems independently on his own.

I have been in this boat before, Buddhism taught me lot how to have more healthier relationships. Therapy will help him, more important using the lessons he learned in therapy to learn to be emotionally independent of others and to solve his own problems on his own.
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Old 19th January 2017, 6:32 AM   #71
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We only have been dating for 2,5 months and we are not boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but I really like him a lot and I have told him so. When I did, he started to cry and was really emotional, saying that 'he had not heard that in a really long time'. When we spend time together, he is usually super happy, and he tells me that everything is better with me, that he likes me 'so much'. But when we are not together it's always this sadness and it's always this "I don't know why".... He also insists often that the sadness is just 'temporary' and will pass.
He is using you as an emotional crutch. The fact he cried when you simply told him you liked him indicates he is probably not medicated and he should be seeing a doctor.

People that are depressed often say they want to change certain things in their life but will not take concrete actions toward it. The task is often too big for them because of their mental state, if he were medicated it would clear his head and give him more strength to job search.

I personally would not pursue this. He is not in a good place to enter a relationship and soon you'll find yourself filling the role of nurse, shrink and priest.
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Old 19th January 2017, 6:34 AM   #72
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Sounds like he is using the relationship as emotional first aid to help with depression and escape from the stresses of life and work. I was in this boat before in previous relationships and from my past experiences in life this really is not a healthy way to cope with life and it is unfair to the partner.

My greatest advice I can give is something I learned from studying Buddhism which is that no one should be dependent on someone else to create their own happiness. Relationships are healthier when both parties are not emotionally dependent on each other. Otherwise it can be suffocating for the other person and it unfair to them.

Instead of using the relationship to escape from his problems, his stresses in life, his depression, etc ... he should instead tackle his problems head on by going to therapy and learning how to deal with his problems on his own. He needs to learn to be self-reliant, not being dependent on anyone to solve his own problems or escape from his problems in life. He needs to learn to solve his problems independently on his own.

I have been in this boat before, Buddhism taught me lot how to have more healthier relationships. Therapy will help him, more important using the lessons he learned in therapy to learn to be emotionally independent of others and to solve his own problems on his own.

The thing is, he is not putting any of this problems on me at all. He is very committed to figuring out whatever it is that he is going through. He is a very emotional, sensitive person, but not one to put his problems on other people or people close to him. So if anything he is trying to appear stronger than he actually is, but I can see more and more that he is failing at it, and he has been very open about his problems with work and his childhood, without going into detail, of course.
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Old 19th January 2017, 6:38 AM   #73
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He is using you as an emotional crutch. The fact he cried when you simply told him you liked him indicates he is probably not medicated and he should be seeing a doctor.

People that are depressed often say they want to change certain things in their life but will not take concrete actions toward it. The task is often too big for them because of their mental state, if he were medicated it would clear his head and give him more strength to job search.

I personally would not pursue this. He is not in a good place to enter a relationship and soon you'll find yourself filling the role of nurse, shrink and priest.
Well, I don't think medication is for everyone. The therapy is already helping him see things more clear, he said. He has an appointment in two weeks with a career counselor. He is very proactive.
I was on antidepressants for a year for anxiety and I know it turned me into a horrible emotionless person and it made me unhappier than I was before. I don't think i have ever met anyone who said that antidepressants made them better. We don't live in America, btw, healthcare here is really good and the therapy seems to really help him already.
Not sure why people think medication is the only way out - it should be a last resort. It's not like he is suicidal.

I am afraid to be an emotional crutch at times, but the fact that he has chosen to be alone for 4 years and the fact he had not been intimate with anyone for a year before we met, tells me that he must actually like me and that he thinks he is ready for a relationship.

He also said that I am the best thing that happened to him in 2016
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Old 19th January 2017, 6:40 AM   #74
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Hon: I have looked at your history. You have been dating this guy for a couple of months only. He is long distance. You've had issues with him since day one about ignoring your communication, then you learn he mislead a woman in a relationship for 3 years when he knew he didn't love her, now this?

Dating is not suppose to be difficult. It's suppose to be fun, fulfilling, exciting, and it's suppose to unfold naturally.

Why do you make it difficult for you for a man you hardly know? There is no future for you here.

You need to break this and find yourself a local man that will enhance your life, not make it difficult and frustrating.
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Old 19th January 2017, 6:48 AM   #75
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Hon: I have looked at your history. You have been dating this guy for a couple of months only. He is long distance. You've had issues with him since day one about ignoring your communication, then you learn he mislead a woman in a relationship for 3 years when he knew he didn't love her, now this?

Dating is not suppose to be difficult. It's suppose to be fun, fulfilling, exciting, and it's suppose to unfold naturally.

Why do you make it difficult for you for a man you hardly know? There is no future for you here.

You need to break this and find yourself a local man that will enhance your life, not make it difficult and frustrating.
Well, if I 'find myself a local man', then he will not be local anymore in 5 months, as I will be moving away.

I know I hardly know this guy but I never met someone who I have so much in common with. I really enjoy the time we spend together and I have not been this happy in a really long time, if ever. When we are together, it just feels right.
We have communicated a lot the past days and he's been open about what is going through his head but he still has little explanation for it. He specifically has voiced that I am not an emotional crutch, that he wouldn't have started seeing me if he wasn't ready for a new relationship. That gave me some peace.

I was thinking, if he was to use me as an emotional crutch, he'd have done with with other people in the past, no? But the last 4 years he hasn't been with anyone, he's been alone.

I should add that he just moved back to his hometown a year ago and that he has been working a lot and not have had much of a social life there, so is also missing his friends from where he lived prior to his move.
But he actually just canceled a concert he was going to go to in his old city with his friends, so I can come visit him. He always says he misses his friends a lot, but now he made me a priority, isn't that a good thing?
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