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Looked through boyfriend's phone, now upset - ?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 6th September 2017, 5:03 AM   #61
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I’ve had a post pointing out no one can be certain something happened on the couch vs didn’t. It’s disappeared miraculously. Hmmm. Real shame and overreaction because there was nothing controversial in it and it had received likes.

Lovezen, genuinely pleased to hear this update. I think he and it, is going the positive path that it needs to. He sounds sincere and to be taking responsibility, and is being transparent.

Not out of the woods and he needs to strengthen things ahead of a LDR.

But you’ve handled it well and I wish you well which ever direction it pans out.
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Old 6th September 2017, 5:34 AM   #62
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Your boyfriend calls her "my friend" skipping the gender for a reason, he is hiding something. He has never invited you to meet her because he knows something is up with this friend. He might pursue her.
He wants the "friends" attention, if she finds out that he is dating he might lose her.
He does not want to have a conflict with you either ..... so he is doing the "smooth operator" project.
You could show up at one of his get-togethers, hop on the couch next to him, smooch on his lips and smile then you introduce yourself as his girlfriend. You could ask for his phone that you need to text someone .... seeing her name among he is messaging with you could click on it. Don't make a scene there, but definitely need a talk after.
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Old 6th September 2017, 6:04 AM   #63
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I did not realize you've already busted him .... That's good.
Now, he feels as a villain with you and still feels great around the other girl (she still does not know he has a girlfriend, right?)
This self image in the relationships MIGHT push him towards her.

So, if you decide to forgive him, don't hold this "thing" above his head all the time , try to regain intimacy with him because he does not want to be reminded of this all the time.
The problem is that you lost the trust.
He obviously craves admiration, attention from girls, what is the root of this ?
Adventure craving? Lack of self-esteem ? Who knows? (he is not a narcissist, is he ?)
Are you guys dating for a long time ?
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Old 6th September 2017, 6:07 AM   #64
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Your boyfriend calls her "my friend" skipping the gender for a reason, he is hiding something. He has never invited you to meet her because he knows something is up with this friend. He might pursue her.
He wants the "friends" attention, if she finds out that he is dating he might lose her.
He does not want to have a conflict with you either ..... so he is doing the "smooth operator" project.
You could show up at one of his get-togethers, hop on the couch next to him, smooch on his lips and smile then you introduce yourself as his girlfriend. You could ask for his phone that you need to text someone .... seeing her name among he is messaging with you could click on it. Don't make a scene there, but definitely need a talk after.
FACT: OP never said this friend did not know about her existance. Actually this friend is throwing a party sometime next week and OP is invited to come along with her bf.
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Old 6th September 2017, 6:19 AM   #65
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Thank you Bryan. I am hopeful things will work out - while we are still on shaky ground I feel he is worth a second chance.


She DOES know he has a girlfriend. But until now he has played the relationship down to her. I asked him to talk about me more, make it clear we are a REAL thing, you are calling me 'partner', then act like it.


The root of craving admiration - last night he said he is a natural people pleaser. Feels he has to live up to the expectations of others - and that he is exhausted from it. Will our conversation make him people please a bit less? Who knows. And yes he does crave adventure - so do I, but I also crave a steady relationship.
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Old 6th September 2017, 8:11 AM   #66
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I think if he doesn’t suggest it, you need to suggest meeting her. He’ll feel embarrassed when it happens for it not having happened sooner. But if he’s willing to suck it up – that speaks volumes.
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Old 6th September 2017, 9:53 AM   #67
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If he is serious as he says he is, then you two should try a few sessions of couples counseling to help him figure out other ways to deal with stress. Saying he will, and doing what he should be doing are two different things. Being a people pleaser is another issue in itself.

How is he going to deal with you being away for 8 months? ask him that?
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Old 7th September 2017, 7:39 AM   #68
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If he is serious as he says he is, then you two should try a few sessions of couples counseling to help him figure out other ways to deal with stress. Saying he will, and doing what he should be doing are two different things. Being a people pleaser is another issue in itself.

How is he going to deal with you being away for 8 months? ask him that?
I agree. He has agreed to go to counselling when I am gone, saying he will make the appointment asap. I think a few sessions of couples counselling would a good idea as well to be honest. I think he is underestimating the extent to which he may need an in person relationship no matter what.


This weekend is his birthday so we are going on a 3 day trip with his friends. Following that, he has asked me to attend a birthday meal with his parents. Truthfully, I don't feel I have the energy or desire to do any of these things and feel it is going to be a big ask/a struggle. I am still upset.
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Old 9th September 2017, 2:08 PM   #69
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I agree. He has agreed to go to counselling when I am gone, saying he will make the appointment asap.
He agreed? Whoopee. Why are you the one coming up with all the ideas for him making amends?

It is your job to tell him he F***ed up. It is his job to search his soul to find a way and take action to make it right. Otherwise you are not partners. You are his parent. Yuuuck. Now it's your job to monitor and correct him. Forever.

Please consider this - words do not mean to him what they mean to you. You'll get much more indicative results if you stop talking so much and letting him explain things away, and just start acting in a healthy-for-you way.

He sounds like a child who does what he wants until he gets caught, and then (sloppily I might add) keeps trying elaborate explanations with you until he stumbles across what you want to hear. Then he thinks his repair work is done.

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This weekend is his birthday so we are going on a 3 day trip with his friends. Following that, he has asked me to attend a birthday meal with his parents. Truthfully, I don't feel I have the energy or desire to do any of these things and feel it is going to be a big ask/a struggle. I am still upset.
I hope the weekend was alright for you.

I'm sorry that you went against your own best care and went on the trip. It showed him that you don't mean anything you said about him having nearly lost you, and that he does not actually need to do anything or spend any time working on himself to keep you.

He used allll kinds of words with you, but from what you've written, he didn't actually break anything off with his other girl-friend, he hasn't scheduled or attended counseling, he gave the most worthless form of apology possible.

That is - he didn't say, "You're right. I was really out of line. Here, watch while I send a final message to that girl that I love my girlfriend and won't compromise my relationship by staying in personal contact with her", then blocked her number and email and shown you.

Instead, he gave all kinds of reasons why what he did wasn't really so bad, he didn't mean for you to be hurt, he didn't mean to do anything 'bad', in fact he didn't even consciously keep her a secret from you - he just isn't even sure what he did or why, it's a conundrum!

By saying that BS he completely negated your concerns and hurt. His communication actually told you, "your feelings, impressions and wants are not as important as mine. I don't see what was so bad, but if you're going to dump me, let me massage your fantasy vision of me a little. There, that's better now, isn't it? OK, now, come make me feel special for my birthday in front of my friends! Even though you don't want to, and have a ton on your plate!"

Ugh girl. You're taking this on yourself.

It would be a pleasant surprise if I'm wrong! I can't picture it, but that would be nice.
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Old 9th September 2017, 2:24 PM   #70
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So what do you want to do? It's a gold opportunity to start being 100% open with each other and really get things going is possible. If it's ego and you find his conduct offensive let it go.

I recall one instance when my ex-GF (the one I'm posting about. lol) broke into my phone. She found text to other girls, found pictures, etc. The truth of the matter was that I honestly never cheated so everything she found didn't bother me. She questioned about text convos and even attempts to meet up - never anything that mentioned dating or intimacy...

of course, she had a problem with the number of girls texting me. I told her that we're both very good-looking so people are going to always flirt with us. I explained that I was committed to her only.
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Old 9th September 2017, 3:28 PM   #71
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So what do you want to do? It's a gold opportunity to start being 100% open with each other and really get things going is possible. If it's ego and you find his conduct offensive let it go.

I recall one instance when my ex-GF (the one I'm posting about. lol) broke into my phone. She found text to other girls, found pictures, etc. The truth of the matter was that I honestly never cheated so everything she found didn't bother me. She questioned about text convos and even attempts to meet up - never anything that mentioned dating or intimacy...

of course, she had a problem with the number of girls texting me. I told her that we're both very good-looking so people are going to always flirt with us. I explained that I was committed to her only.
Ok so you are now wondering why she is your ex. I guess???
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Old 11th September 2017, 5:54 AM   #72
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He agreed? Whoopee. Why are you the one coming up with all the ideas for him making amends?

It is your job to tell him he F***ed up. It is his job to search his soul to find a way and take action to make it right. Otherwise you are not partners. You are his parent. Yuuuck. Now it's your job to monitor and correct him. Forever.

Please consider this - words do not mean to him what they mean to you. You'll get much more indicative results if you stop talking so much and letting him explain things away, and just start acting in a healthy-for-you way.

He sounds like a child who does what he wants until he gets caught, and then (sloppily I might add) keeps trying elaborate explanations with you until he stumbles across what you want to hear. Then he thinks his repair work is done.

I hope the weekend was alright for you.

I'm sorry that you went against your own best care and went on the trip. It showed him that you don't mean anything you said about him having nearly lost you, and that he does not actually need to do anything or spend any time working on himself to keep you.

He used allll kinds of words with you, but from what you've written, he didn't actually break anything off with his other girl-friend, he hasn't scheduled or attended counseling, he gave the most worthless form of apology possible.

That is - he didn't say, "You're right. I was really out of line. Here, watch while I send a final message to that girl that I love my girlfriend and won't compromise my relationship by staying in personal contact with her", then blocked her number and email and shown you.

Instead, he gave all kinds of reasons why what he did wasn't really so bad, he didn't mean for you to be hurt, he didn't mean to do anything 'bad', in fact he didn't even consciously keep her a secret from you - he just isn't even sure what he did or why, it's a conundrum!

By saying that BS he completely negated your concerns and hurt. His communication actually told you, "your feelings, impressions and wants are not as important as mine. I don't see what was so bad, but if you're going to dump me, let me massage your fantasy vision of me a little. There, that's better now, isn't it? OK, now, come make me feel special for my birthday in front of my friends! Even though you don't want to, and have a ton on your plate!"

Ugh girl. You're taking this on yourself.

It would be a pleasant surprise if I'm wrong! I can't picture it, but that would be nice.

After these discussions I said no more about it (because as you say I'm not going to be a parent or teacher). He contacted her the day before our trip, saying that he feels he has got too close to her for a man in a committed relationship. As such, he told her he would backing off from the friendship. She responded with surprise (no self awareness) but accepted it, and said she would see him around through mutual friends.


The trip was actually great. He introduced me to many more of his close friends and I felt they made a big effort to include me in the group. I realised he must talk about me often, as they asked questions about my life. I feel we are reconnecting well and we are discussing our boundaries and close friendships of the opposite sex more openly now. So far I feel the outcome has been very positive. It just confirms to me that we all have to honour our feelings and boundaries in life and relationships.


Like the person above said, my boyfriend is a very good looking man but fairly oblivious to the fact for some reason. Therefore he doesn't realise that several women flirt with him - I don't expect no one to ever hit on either of us again, so it's dealing with it.
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Old 11th September 2017, 6:38 AM   #73
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Originally Posted by Sunlight72 View Post
He agreed? Whoopee. Why are you the one coming up with all the ideas for him making amends?

It is your job to tell him he F***ed up. It is his job to search his soul to find a way and take action to make it right. Otherwise you are not partners. You are his parent. Yuuuck. Now it's your job to monitor and correct him. Forever.

Please consider this - words do not mean to him what they mean to you. You'll get much more indicative results if you stop talking so much and letting him explain things away, and just start acting in a healthy-for-you way.

He sounds like a child who does what he wants until he gets caught, and then (sloppily I might add) keeps trying elaborate explanations with you until he stumbles across what you want to hear. Then he thinks his repair work is done.

I hope the weekend was alright for you.

I'm sorry that you went against your own best care and went on the trip. It showed him that you don't mean anything you said about him having nearly lost you, and that he does not actually need to do anything or spend any time working on himself to keep you.

He used allll kinds of words with you, but from what you've written, he didn't actually break anything off with his other girl-friend, he hasn't scheduled or attended counseling, he gave the most worthless form of apology possible.

That is - he didn't say, "You're right. I was really out of line. Here, watch while I send a final message to that girl that I love my girlfriend and won't compromise my relationship by staying in personal contact with her", then blocked her number and email and shown you.

Instead, he gave all kinds of reasons why what he did wasn't really so bad, he didn't mean for you to be hurt, he didn't mean to do anything 'bad', in fact he didn't even consciously keep her a secret from you - he just isn't even sure what he did or why, it's a conundrum!

By saying that BS he completely negated your concerns and hurt. His communication actually told you, "your feelings, impressions and wants are not as important as mine. I don't see what was so bad, but if you're going to dump me, let me massage your fantasy vision of me a little. There, that's better now, isn't it? OK, now, come make me feel special for my birthday in front of my friends! Even though you don't want to, and have a ton on your plate!"

.
Sunlight - Everything about your response was brilliant and I needed to read it. I may even print it out.

Thank you!!

(sorry for the hijack)
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Old 11th September 2017, 10:41 AM   #74
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Sunlight - Everything about your response was brilliant and I needed to read it. I may even print it out.

Thank you!!

(sorry for the hijack)
Hey, I'm glad it helped 1fish2fish! I have learned a lot from this discussion board and others over the years. Then I've had to work up the courage to put some of it into practice in the real world. It is a long learning process, but without some timely examples to read from people who have gone before me, I'd still think life and love are much bigger, more painful mysteries than I do now
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Old 11th September 2017, 1:27 PM   #75
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Hey, I'm glad it helped 1fish2fish! I have learned a lot from this discussion board and others over the years. Then I've had to work up the courage to put some of it into practice in the real world. It is a long learning process, but without some timely examples to read from people who have gone before me, I'd still think life and love are much bigger, more painful mysteries than I do now

Amen to all of that!

I still have a loooong way to go, but without this board I know I'd still be settling for breadcrumbs and man-children.
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