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Looked through boyfriend's phone, now upset - ?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 4th September 2017, 11:40 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by Lovezen_30 View Post
a) will be my main issue to tackle with him. Yes he has female friends. But will he put me first?
As you know, having female friends isn't the issue. The issue is: behaving as if he's a single man who's got a FWB partner he doesn't incorporate into his friendships instead of a man who acts like he's in a committed relationship with a girlfriend.

Past is prologue. He hasn't bothered to put you first until he got caught out, so now, he's going to open up that can of "act right" which should have been opened from the jump? Ok...

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Accept its time to grow up and dial back the types of bonds that aren't conducive to a serious commitment with me? If he feels he can't/would resent doing so that would be incompatibility.
He should have been there the day you two agreed to be committed and exclusive with one another. It's a shame it took YOU grabbing him by the ear and leading him to this realization instead of him having come to it of his own volition way back when.

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Old 4th September 2017, 12:19 PM   #47
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Wow. He knows he is busted, but his reaction tells me he has done this before- he knows exactly how to emotionally manipulate you. He has no intention to stop seeing his side piece - he has put in too much time and energy to drop her. When you are finally away, you know what he is going to be doing, right? And, you wont be able to snoop on his phone any more... Right now you are the GF and she is the side piece, but that position will be reversed once you leave. OP, drop this guy, if you don't, he will be cheating on you forever. You will be living a miserable life, and probably entertaining a few STDs as well... so don't give him another chance to mess with you. Let him cry all the way to his new bit of fluff...better her problem than yours.
That's exactly what I was thinking. Even if he hasn't physically cheated, he has stronger feelings than "friends" towards this other girl. He feels guilty to the point of heaving sobs - why? Because he knows there's more to it than he's led you to believe, OP.

This guy isn't LDR material at all. He showed you he lies and is not transparent and not ultimately very trustworthy. I would find someone who you don't need to doubt like this. This is the second time that he's crossed boundaries with another girl. It is who he is, which is not a very committed or respectful boyfriend.

Also, the couch? He knows why he mentioned it. The question, do you really want to know why? You probably won't like what you hear.

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Old 4th September 2017, 6:41 PM   #48
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My advice to you would be to keep a close eye put.

I don't condone snooping for stupid reasons, but if there are lies and deciet I am all about knowing the truth.

Dig deeper and see what you find if you're not willing to take our word for it.

I dug deeper on my ex man who was like this amd fpund a whole nother life hidden behind my back. I was the showfront. He had piles of women behind my back.

When I called off the wedding (we had even been discussing him adopting my children) ot was less than 3 weeks that someone else was calling him babe on his fb page.

He may not be doing all of that behind ypur back, but if he is hiding this, what else is he hiding?

Clean his car for him. See what happens with that.
Do you live together? Do his laundry and see what you find? Bobby pins and ear rings will show up.

he has made an excuse, loads of them.
"I was worried about your reaction."
" She is just a friend"
"you are being jealous"

Mind if I ask what led you to go looking in the first place?
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Old 4th September 2017, 7:34 PM   #49
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And BTW--he's lying about not knowing why he said the thing about the couch. He knows damb well why he said that: because he did something on said couch that has planted a seed of memory that he dwelled upon and romanticized to the point where he wants to experience it again. Unpleasant experiences do not conjure up this sort of wistful expression, by and large.

Proceed at your own emotional peril with a liar.
Yes I thought that too at the time - and I doubt very much it was innocent.


"You will waste a couple of more months of your time and eventually you will break up."

If it was a couple of months, it would be bad enough, but it will be eight wasted months away being faithful to someone almost definitely cheating on you...

If you were staying put, I'd still caution against giving him another go.
As you are going away, I just can't see why you would consider it to be honest.
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Old 5th September 2017, 4:28 AM   #50
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OK I agree he is using these little emotional affairs as escapes. Think about it, you are going away for 8 months, he has family issues going on, he is home sick. This is his way of coping, and it always has been. It's a habit, no different that being addicted to drugs or alcohol. Some people have their way of dealing with stress, his is emotional affairs. What happens is, he gets a boost of dopamine (Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps control the brain's reward and pleasure centers. Dopamine also helps regulate movement and emotional responses, and it enables us not only to see rewards, but to take action to move toward them). Dopamine is very addictive.

I'm sure he is remorseful, but like any addiction, they are scared as to what they are giving up, their lack of control, the lies, etc. This is why he keeps doing it, he can't help himself....he needs help, and to find other ways to help him cope with stress.
Completely agree with this. For the past 9 months he has been in a job e is miserable in. He has been given minimal duties, despite the job ad, and I noticed often he contacts her when he should be working. He's got too much time on his hands.

Last week he had 2 interviews after I helped him with a CV and application. He has been offered a job that will lift him out of his current idle existence. But HE needs to have the boundaries to spend time on other things. He is addicted to his phone in general as well as this. He kicked the habit of smoking a few years ago, admitted he had an addictive personality. He kicks this habit now and for good, or we're done. He says he has been reflecting on things - he MUST understand and own why his actions were wrong and I must feel he truly means it. If not there is no hope to continue with.
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Old 5th September 2017, 6:32 AM   #51
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He's not strong enough to be with you 100% while you are close by; what do you think he will do when you leave? He sounds like the type person who is very needy and has to have someone close by all the time. He says what he says, but actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

Do you not think once you are on that airplane to where ever, that he wont be with that girl the very next day? He is definitely not the person who will wait for you, he's just not there.

If I were you, I would definitely take this opportunity to move and do whatever you have the chance to do. Tell him you care for him, but this opportunity is too great. If you are meant to be together, it will work out in the end, but dont put any restrictions on him, or you.
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Old 5th September 2017, 7:15 AM   #52
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I think it's because she's about to leave town for some time and was not wanting the last few weeks to be a roiling mess of break up angst.

It appears that he's lining up his next object of affection before she even gets on the plane so he can monkey branch to her once the plane is off the ground.
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Old 5th September 2017, 7:31 AM   #53
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I think it's because she's about to leave town for some time and was not wanting the last few weeks to be a roiling mess of break up angst.

It appears that he's lining up his next object of affection before she even gets on the plane so he can monkey branch to her once the plane is off the ground.
Yes exactly. The truth is the past week was already difficult for me due to issues with an ill relative. I am leaving in 13 days and this is very tough on me.


My boyfriend told me he feels lost and has done for a while. I am sorry for it - but only he can choose to fix this and heal him himself. This woman cannot heal him, nor can I. He ties a lot of his self worth into his career and his career is about to finally improve, so I am hopeful that will help.


If he wants to spend time with this woman, then he is free to do so. But he will not do it while remaining with me. He contacted me to say he wants to talk again - he is making dinner and wants to talk after. I think this will be the point where a decision is made one way or the other.


Agree I should NOT have snooped, but that is out of character for me. My instinct told me to. There are communication problems between us and he said of his own volition he has no been communicating well and needs to be better. Whether he sets his mind to be better and means it remains to be seen.
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Old 5th September 2017, 9:03 AM   #54
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I am going against the grain here. I read all of your thread and all I see is a storm in a glass of water.


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Originally Posted by Lovezen_30 View Post
His messages to another girl have increased in the last few weeks. At this point they talk every other day or every day, he lets me do things on his phone and her name was coming up more than usual.
So does me and my male friend, also depending on what is going on in our life we will converse more often or less often.

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Originally Posted by Lovezen_30 View Post
He seemed a bit off at the pub at first but then things got better. He mentioned the group that he met up with and this womans name was included.
He was probably just fine, you've been suspicious of him so you see 'off' where there is none, we all do that.


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Sunday night he gets multiple messages from her and I thought this was odd seeing as they just saw each other the previous evening.
I don't see that as odd. If I have lunch with my friend and afterward he gets that big contract he was wishing for I will get a series of text the following day.

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Originally Posted by Lovezen_30 View Post
Nothing sexual etc, but he chats to her like 'how was your work?' 'how was your weekend' etc and she does the same. When she doesn't reply for a few days he provokes another response from her.
Isn't it what friends ask each other? I know that's what I ask my friends whether they are females or males.


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Originally Posted by Lovezen_30 View Post
So it turns out on Sunday she was replying to his message - saying he was sorry for cutting the night short and that he would have loved to have stayed longer (this is when he went to meet me and friend at the pub). When she asked if he enjoyed the pub, he said it was good but really he would have rather 'sat on the couch' for longer than had a pint.
He would have loved to stay longer, he did not say he would have loved to stay longer with her, now didn't he! He was having a good time and would have preferred to stay there instead of having a pint with your friends. He's not guilty of anything. I prefer being with my friends than bf's friends too, doesn't mean I don't love him.


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Originally Posted by Lovezen_30 View Post
He also said he would have loved to have come to her party next weekend if he didn't have plans (with me and other friends). She also said 'I love all these dog stories you send me!' because he sends her links about dogs. He messaged her about a book he thought she'd like - a book he has been reading out to me before bed
Nothing wrong in telling her he would have loved to go to her party, on top of that he was going with you. When we can't go to a party we were invited to that's what we say: I would have loved to but unfortunately I can't. Why is this suspicious in any way! again that's what friends say to each other. It's courtesy.

And the thing about the book? sorry you are being a baby. My male friends took his gf to a romantic weekend in Vermont, the then sent me the link because he thought my bf and I would love it....how is that disrespectful?

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What do I do?
You should mature.
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Last edited by Gaeta; 5th September 2017 at 9:05 AM..
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Old 5th September 2017, 11:14 AM   #55
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I confronted him. There was disbelief > anger > denial > tears, a lot of tears. At first he said she's 'just a friend' and I wasn't accepting it. I asked him, what's the difference to you between a close friendship and the intimacy of a relationship. He said the quality time spent together. Yes, me too to an extent,but frequently fostering an emotional connection with someone else is not on IMO. He also admitted he lied about seeing her because he was afraid of a jealous reaction and did not want to hurt me. Separately he broke down, big heaving sobs and said he felt lost in his life in general..
So many things are wrong in here.

You confronted the guy till he broke down. Why I have no clue! Why not just have a conversation? You made him feel guilty for having a friendships and having an emotional connection with them?? Because YOU do not have emotional connection with your friends? You feel cold and foster no attachment or connection at all with your friends?

I see his tears as him being pushed to the wall so much he broke down. It must have been a pretty nasty confrontation?


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He admitted that the couch thing was out of order and he doesn't even really know why he said it because he DID want to come and be with me at the pub.
What exactly is the couch thing? Why was it wrong?
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Old 5th September 2017, 11:27 AM   #56
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OP, this relationship is done. Your bf is playing the field while you are present. No chance that he will be a person you can trust while away....don't put yourself through that.
The most to hope for is to leave things open while you are gone and revisit a committed relationship when you return, if you are still interested.

He isn't ready to commit and there isn't a reason that you should either, given the circumstances.
He comes across as complicated and selfish. Two qualities that are very detrimental for a healthy relationship.

Do your own thing and let him go. Down the road, (big) maybe.....
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Old 5th September 2017, 12:19 PM   #57
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Well I told him a lie is a lie and completely unacceptable....
To be blunt, you are not being honest with him.

Unacceptable;
he lies = you leave.

He will understand your actions. You think words have the ultimate meaning, and they do not. Actions have the ultimate meaning.
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Old 5th September 2017, 12:23 PM   #58
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I think your view of the world is a bit off. (My world view is a bit off, but it used to be worse)

You think that YOU are the one responsible to make the perfectly precise maneuvers to keep your relationship together. You are worried if you break up with him it's over.

It is not your responsibility to be a parent and give him guidelines, and mile-markers, and a treasure map illustrating how to reach the red carpet to your bedroom door.

If he loves you, he will move the earth to earn your trust and love.

My personal advice is - break up with him, and forget it.

I had a girlfriend do this with me when I was working too much and not enthusiastic about the relationship. It cleared up my priorities in about a day.

If you continue the way you are with him, You Are Teaching Him That When He Screws Up, it is Your Responsibility to Fix It, Not His.

That is a terrible thing to teach him. And a terrible thing to teach yourself.

Best Wishes,
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Old 5th September 2017, 6:28 PM   #59
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Update

We hashed everything out. In the end he said after examining things he agrees the friendship has got too intense. He then said that he thinks it best to cut off contact...the whole time I'm gone! He said he is going to send her a message.

I mean, I do feel cutting contact for a while is the right decision. But for almost a year? I dunno. Perhaps. The issue is they do share friends.

He said he lied because his ex gave him hell if he so much as spoke to another woman. Again I said it's no excuse. He said I know, but maybe it explains why I did it. He said she has been a friend for two years and they have several things in common but there is no 'spark' and that they used to live closely so if anything was going to happen it would hace happened then. We did also

He said he views me as his long term partner in life and wants to make amends. I still have doubts...but the conversation helped.
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Old 5th September 2017, 6:34 PM   #60
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I suggested breaking up so that he can date other people and sow his oats. He said only wants to date me, that yes, it can be a little scary at times to be committing to one person forever but he wants to build a future so it's worth it. He opened up and expressed how he feels about me in a way he hasn't done previously.

He then said I forced him to take a good look at himself from the outside looking in. I feel he has reflected but the proof will be in the pudding. Actions over his words.
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