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Looked through boyfriend's phone, now upset - ?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 3rd September 2017, 1:31 AM   #1
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Looked through boyfriend's phone, now upset - ?

Curiousity got the better of me, I snooped, now unsure what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and I am living with him at the moment. We are about to go long distance for 8 months. His messages to another girl have increased in the last few weeks. At this point they talk every other day or every day, he lets me do things on his phone and her name was coming up more than usual.


Saturday night I went out for dinner with a friend and he went out with his friends. We journeyed in to meet them together and he asked me to contact him later so we could have a pint just the two of us before we headed home.


Later I did just that and he told me he was actually heading to a friend's house now. I said I thought you were coming for a pint with me and my friend? (I spend a lot of time with his friends, he hasn't spent much with mine) so he said yes I'll come and meet you. He seemed a bit off at the pub at first but then things got better. He mentioned the group that he met up with and this womans name was included.


Sunday night he gets multiple messages from her and I thought this was odd seeing as they just saw each other the previous evening. So I snooped and didn't like what I found. Nothing sexual etc, but he chats to her like 'how was your work?' 'how was your weekend' etc and she does the same. When she doesn't reply for a few days he provokes another response from her.


So it turns out on Sunday she was replying to his message - saying he was sorry for cutting the night short and that he would have loved to have stayed longer (this is when he went to meet me and friend at the pub). When she asked if he enjoyed the pub, he said it was good but really he would have rather 'sat on the couch' for longer than had a pint. He also said he would have loved to have come to her party next weekend if he didn't have plans (with me and other friends). She also said 'I love all these dog stories you send me!' because he sends her links about dogs. He messaged her about a book he thought she'd like - a book he has been reading out to me before bed


I am really bothered by this. I thought my boyfriend was devoted to me - he seems to be. I know he loves me, I really feel it. But I'm not comfortable with this and can't bring it up without admitting I snooped.


What do I do?
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Old 3rd September 2017, 2:09 AM   #2
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He's not devoted to you...he's having an emotional affair. These things don't have to be sexual for it to be cheating. He is preferring his time with her rather than you which means he's stepping out of your relationship/detaching himself. His behavior with her is like you would when you start dating someone.

What to do? Bust him and take it from there.

IMO if he is already starting to wonder, he's going to do it during those 8 months he's away. Sorry to say but it looks like he's getting ready to move on.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 2:19 AM   #3
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I generally don't have a problem with opposite-sex friends, as I have a couple of strictly platonic male friends that I am close to and have been friends with for a few years now.

However, I don't conceal our get-togethers from my boyfriend. He knows about them is invited to come along, as he has met them a few times and they get on well. He can't always make it, but I let it be known that his presence is welcomed.

The problem here is that your boyfriend seems to have a cozy friendship with this particular girl. From what you have described, your boyfriend has a crush on her. Do you know what their history is like? In other words, when and how did they meet? Have you met her?

Also, are you sure there were other people with them on Saturday night?
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Old 3rd September 2017, 2:23 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
He's not devoted to you...he's having an emotional affair. These things don't have to be sexual for it to be cheating. He is preferring his time with her rather than you which means he's stepping out of your relationship/detaching himself. His behavior with her is like you would when you start dating someone.

What to do? Bust him and take it from there.

IMO if he is already starting to wonder, he's going to do it during those 8 months he's away. Sorry to say but it looks like he's getting ready to move on.
Exactly, his behaviour mimics how we spoke when we started dating.


It is actually me that is leaving for 8 months. I have noticed the frequency of contact between them increasing recently, with him as the pursuer, and I am cut to the quick by it. If he has now realised it will hurt him too much for me to go then I hope he tells me as much.


Just this past week he asked me about booking a holiday next Spring and he has already booked a flight to come visit me for a week when we are LDR.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 2:24 AM   #5
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Not if things start heating up while you are gone.


This is the thing about emotinal affairs....they don't usually realize they are in one. If it's not sexual, they think it's harmless, just being like friends, BUT interaction increases and so does the feelings and before they know it, they are hooked, and knee deep into it emotionally.

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Old 3rd September 2017, 2:30 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
I generally don't have a problem with opposite-sex friends, as I have a couple of strictly platonic male friends that I am close to and have been friends with for a few years now.

However, I don't conceal our get-togethers from my boyfriend. He knows about them is invited to come along, as he has met them a few times and they get on well. He can't always make it, but I let it be known that his presence is welcomed.

The problem here is that your boyfriend seems to have a cozy friendship with this particular girl. From what you have described, your boyfriend has a crush on her. Do you know what their history is like? In other words, when and how did they meet? Have you met her?

Also, are you sure there were other people with them on Saturday night?
Yeah, I am certain those other friends were there. When I messaged him when he was with her, he did at least reply quickly and come meet me. But the fact he contacts her the next day saying he wished he could have stayed is upsetting. I am not controlling, nor do I hold a gun to his head.


I also believe he has a crush on her. I can deal with crushes, as they might come and go, but this isn't ok. They met through a shared sport and I have never met her. When he first talked her a few months back it was 'my friend this' 'my friend that' he admitted who she was and her name as it was weird telling me about 'a friend' with no gender!
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Old 3rd September 2017, 2:33 AM   #7
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Not if things start heating up while you are gone.


This is the thing about emotinal affairs....they don't usually realize they are in one. If it's not sexual, they think it's harmless, just being like friends, BUT interaction increases and so does the feelings and before they know it, they are hooked, and knee deep into it emotionally.
Exactly. We talked about getting close to other people generally while apart and he said 'you have nothing to worry about it.


This isn't all that annoys me about this. I was once the 'friend' who was talking a guy with a girlfriend all the time. Eventually I developed feelings and he chose his girlfriend, saying he never meant to lead me on. Its not a good way to treat anyone, even if not intended. We are strictly platonic now and have boundaries.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 2:42 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
I generally don't have a problem with opposite-sex friends, as I have a couple of strictly platonic male friends that I am close to and have been friends with for a few years now.

However, I don't conceal our get-togethers from my boyfriend. He knows about them is invited to come along, as he has met them a few times and they get on well. He can't always make it, but I let it be known that his presence is welcomed.

The problem here is that your boyfriend seems to have a cozy friendship with this particular girl. From what you have described, your boyfriend has a crush on her. Do you know what their history is like? In other words, when and how did they meet? Have you met her?

Also, are you sure there were other people with them on Saturday night?

Yes, I am sure the people he said were there were there.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 2:46 AM   #9
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Well maybe you should just point it out to him that tho friendships are OK, It's not when the other is preferring their company over their SO, and spending a lot of time messaging each other.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 8:37 AM   #10
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You have to confess that you found these messages. If he brought her around you, I'd say simmer down but in light of what is about to be the distance, you need to clear the air before you go. If this is the end, then you will set off on your new work assignment free as a bird. It might help your healing to be away from all the reminders.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 8:40 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Lovezen_30 View Post
Yeah, I am certain those other friends were there. When I messaged him when he was with her, he did at least reply quickly and come meet me. But the fact he contacts her the next day saying he wished he could have stayed is upsetting. I am not controlling, nor do I hold a gun to his head.


I also believe he has a crush on her. I can deal with crushes, as they might come and go, but this isn't ok. They met through a shared sport and I have never met her. When he first talked her a few months back it was 'my friend this' 'my friend that' he admitted who she was and her name as it was weird telling me about 'a friend' with no gender!
This does not bode well for you two embarking upon 8 months of long distance .
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Old 3rd September 2017, 9:08 AM   #12
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Is it the female friend he had feelings with once you mention in this thread?

Boyfriend travelling with female friend - me feel less jealous!?
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Old 3rd September 2017, 10:13 AM   #13
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Or is this a new one? I'm starting to see a pattern.
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Old 3rd September 2017, 11:59 PM   #14
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It's understandable in many situations why someone would be bent out of shape about opposite sex friends of their SO. I think you have to be proactive and say "I trust him/her with that other person". But ... You don't seem to be okay with it.

All I can say is ask him about who this woman is and what the nature of the relationship is. If he says she is a platonic friend, that's fine. If it's true. But is it true? If not then ... You have your answer. And then you have to say you do not approve of it and you would like him to cool it off. If he says okay then that's good. But if he does not ... Then you better consider otherwise.
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Old 4th September 2017, 2:09 AM   #15
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But I'm not comfortable with this and can't bring it up without admitting I snooped.


What do I do?
Tell him you looked at the messages and you're not liking what you're reading and you're breaking up with him because his loyalties are divided and you don't want to be with someone who is carrying on an emotional affair behind your back and playing you for stupid.

If right is on your side, what have you got to fear? Part of being an adult is to not act like a child who broke mommy's glass vase because she doesn't want to get into trouble.

If he's given you access to his phone, then you've got access to his phone. Period. There's nothing about that to make you feel like you'll get in trouble or he gets mad. If he wasn't doing something wrong--or if the tables would turn, he'd be apoplectic about what you were doing to him--he wouldn't get mad because he's given you that access to his phone.

I hope you forwarded the texts to yourself so you have copies of them in case he wants to further play you for stupid.

Here's the thing: a man who loves you doesn't create an entree for another women into his intimacy. He knows not to put himself in the position in the first place where his actions are messy and he conjures up suspicion on the one he claims he loves, nor is he secretive about his actions and whereabouts.

The minute this chick popped up on his radar, he needed to introduce you to her, too and let it be known that you are priority in all things and he wasn't going to proceed in a fashion where he hides and lies to you about where he's been.

He's trashing your relationship and he's going to keep trashing it until you speak up for yourself because he damb sure isn't going to draw attention to anything about this chick and him and her couch. TF?

He's monkey-barring to his next relationship and keeping silent about how he's playing you should be the last thing you do.
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