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When is it healthy to proclaim a 'relationship'?


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Old 5th October 2017, 2:40 PM   #91
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Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
Oh okay I understand. Ty. I agree trust is important but equally so to keep your wits about you. Look at behavioral patterns. If her intuition wasnt telling her something she wouldn't be making these threads. Sometimes we don't want to face it until it's staring us in the face and get hurt. Plus a lot of time goes down the drain...time many people don't have the luxury of wasting
The reason I made these threats is because I have been burned many a time.
This may be the first time in my life I am dealing with someone who truly loves me and is genuine with me. What I am having problems with is to let go off of my past and to really dive into this new relationship and not compare him to all my failed past ones. This is my error. Just because I have insecurities does not mean he is doing something wrong.
I feel a lot of this is on me, so yes, my intuition is telling me something isn't right, but that doesn't mean he is the one who isn't right. BTW I have GAD and am in therapy for it, most of my anxieties are triggered bc I am reminded of past situations in which I was hurt...
Difficult.
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Old 5th October 2017, 2:42 PM   #92
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Originally Posted by olivetree View Post
I haven't fully kept of with the threads.
Did he tell you he loves you yet?

I think that the ILY and the bf/gf title will likely come at the same time.
Otherwise, I don't feel like he can truly mean ILY if he won't commit to a label.

He may be uncomfortable using the title until he is sure he either
a) can fall in love with you; or
b) is falling in love with you; or
c) has fallen in love with you

I think he needs to fully let go of the past before he is fully emotionally available to truly love you.
He told me he loves me a few times now, but never in a grand gesture sort of way. I think he still has problems uttering those words as well, as they will make him vulnerable - similar to the BF/GF label, making it official will mean he is vulnerable. He is, of course, already, but I think part of him is still cheating himself in a way... as if he could avoid being hurt if we aren't together in a relationship! He told me he is very aware that what we have is unlike anything he ever experienced, and that he knows that our dynamic is rare. Something he wants to experience so badly, but he, too, is afraid to get hurt, you know.
Not just me. He actually is quite the sensitive fella. Doesn't always seem that way, tho, cause he is tall and strong, and hides behind a big beard, haha.
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Old 5th October 2017, 2:43 PM   #93
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
The reason I made these threats is because I have been burned many a time.
This may be the first time in my life I am dealing with someone who truly loves me and is genuine with me. What I am having problems with is to let go off of my past and to really dive into this new relationship and not compare him to all my failed past ones. This is my error. Just because I have insecurities does not mean he is doing something wrong.
I feel a lot of this is on me, so yes, my intuition is telling me something isn't right, but that doesn't mean he is the one who isn't right. BTW I have GAD and am in therapy for it, most of my anxieties are triggered bc I am reminded of past situations in which I was hurt...
Difficult.
Heaven, when you met this guy you posted about him. We all told you to not touch him and warned you about the traps of dating a recently divorced man. You were not attached or in love back then. You still decided to go head first in this. Now you know why you are getting burnt often.
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Old 5th October 2017, 2:46 PM   #94
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My grandfather had a saying that translates very poorly into English: "You can see 10 feet into the ocean but you can't see one milimeter into a persons heart[or mind]"

Doesn't mean the person is shady. It just means people don't often tell you everything they really feel.

Best wishes to you and him, Heaven. Please keep us updated if you can
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Old 5th October 2017, 2:50 PM   #95
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
I agree with you on this part. I don't think it has anything to do with his ex. I also think he's over her.

That being said he still has a long process to go through to reconnect with himself and we spoke about that in earlier pages of your thread.

Have you ever been in a long term relationship? I mean long like 10 or 15 years? When we come out we need freedom. We need room to breath and figure ourselves out.

My fear in your case is that you are his safety net. He gets all the security of being in a relationship without calling it a relationship. He wants his safety net but he won't pay for it. With all of the love and support you are giving him it seems to me calling you his gf is a very small price to pay. Yet he's unwilling to pay it.
No, but I was in a 3,5 year marriage in my early 20s. That's about as long as I stuck with someone so far. I can't imagine what it is like being with someone for 15 years, and sometimes I fail to grasp that aspect of his past, to be honest.

I am not sure if I am his 'safety net'. I think he was on a good way of reconnecting with himself before he met me. I do think that meeting me sped things up a bit for him. I have to admit I am quite a lively, smiley, free-spirited individual, and I think that I mirror that in the people I hang out with.

Last week, we had a small discussion where I brought up something similar to what you just said - the whole "have your cake and eat it too" thing. He got quite mad at me. He said it hurts him that I would think that, because he wants to be with me so badly, often even says that he thinks he is more crazy about me than I am for him. He says he feels he fails at showing me with words, something he has never been good at, but he tries so hard to show with actions (and trust me, he has! this guy has been carrying me on his hands for the past 4 months, i have never seen a guy make such an effort to pursue me). He is just the most attentive person I have ever met.

Anyway, long story short, I think what he feels for me is real, I think he knows what he feels for me is real, and I doubt he'd play with my heart in any sort of mean spirited way. Not even subconsciously. If that were the case, he'd have it figured out by now. But now he wants me to meet his parents on Sunday, so... Nah, i think we are moving forward more than anything.
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Old 5th October 2017, 2:53 PM   #96
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
Heaven, when you met this guy you posted about him. We all told you to not touch him and warned you about the traps of dating a recently divorced man. You were not attached or in love back then. You still decided to go head first in this. Now you know why you are getting burnt often.

I got burned often bc I dated arseholes. Lol. I had a pattern. T
This is the first time I chose someone who is everything but part of that pattern!!

OH, I am glad I did not listen to you guys then, haha. I would have missed out on a lot of happy times.
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Old 5th October 2017, 2:56 PM   #97
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Originally Posted by olivetree View Post
OP,

It sounds like you really trust this guy.
Because of that, I actually think you shouldn't post here or do anything to undermine that because loads of trust is exactly what a healthy relationship needs.
You might have to go slow, but not every relationship takes the same path to get from A-Z.
If you get hurt, you get hurt.
But it's better to get hurt having displayed patience and trust than paranoia and doubt.
You may be right, I have to admit that whenever I have any sort of anxieties about our relationship,and I come here, it intensifies my anxieties. Whereas if I try to distract my mind or let go off it a bit with exercises my therapist taught me, or even, talk to my guy about it directly, I feel actually a lot better.
Mh.
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Old 5th October 2017, 3:29 PM   #98
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
You may be right, I have to admit that whenever I have any sort of anxieties about our relationship,and I come here, it intensifies my anxieties. Whereas if I try to distract my mind or let go off it a bit with exercises my therapist taught me, or even, talk to my guy about it directly, I feel actually a lot better.
Mh.
Exactly hahaha!

Heaven, I don't see any issues with your guy. Exactly what you said, it's your own anxieties and past painful experiences that you have to deal with. He's going to therapy and fixing himself, you should be doing the same for yourself.

The ex is not the issue here. She is long gone. He just needs to fix himself and that's something no one can rush. It's great he is very open with you. That gives you a chance to analyze where you want to be with him as the time goes by.

I am on the same boat as you. For the first time ever in my life I am with someone who is treating me right. It's not a toxic relationship. Sometimes I wonder why we're not fighting like mad couple and no hurtful words been exchanged, but in the end I get the answer on my own. No matter how much I say I don't want to live in the past, flashbacks sometimes are forcing its way through my brain and it sucks.

It's only been FOUR MONTHS. We're not even talking half a year here. You got impatient with not having the label that your anxiety took you through the roof and made this thread and everyone put in their opinion. It got kind of out of hand in my own opinion (please don't bash me). But seriously just take it one day at a time. RELAX and just savor every moment with him. I didn't see nor smell any red flags. Only thing I got from all this is that this guy is doing his best to get back on his feet and wants to make sure he treats you right and not screw things up.

You seem like a smart strong woman. You have boundaries and you and your guy have open communication. That's very important. I am normally a risk taker because I rather take the risk and possibly get hurt than live with resentment and regrets that I didn't give it a chance.

You are about to meet his family finally. Prepare for that and be super excited about it. It's awesome. Do keep us updated!
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:48 PM   #99
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Exactly hahaha!

Heaven, I don't see any issues with your guy. Exactly what you said, it's your own anxieties and past painful experiences that you have to deal with. He's going to therapy and fixing himself, you should be doing the same for yourself.

The ex is not the issue here. She is long gone. He just needs to fix himself and that's something no one can rush. It's great he is very open with you. That gives you a chance to analyze where you want to be with him as the time goes by.

I am on the same boat as you. For the first time ever in my life I am with someone who is treating me right. It's not a toxic relationship. Sometimes I wonder why we're not fighting like mad couple and no hurtful words been exchanged, but in the end I get the answer on my own. No matter how much I say I don't want to live in the past, flashbacks sometimes are forcing its way through my brain and it sucks.

It's only been FOUR MONTHS. We're not even talking half a year here. You got impatient with not having the label that your anxiety took you through the roof and made this thread and everyone put in their opinion. It got kind of out of hand in my own opinion (please don't bash me). But seriously just take it one day at a time. RELAX and just savor every moment with him. I didn't see nor smell any red flags. Only thing I got from all this is that this guy is doing his best to get back on his feet and wants to make sure he treats you right and not screw things up.

You seem like a smart strong woman. You have boundaries and you and your guy have open communication. That's very important. I am normally a risk taker because I rather take the risk and possibly get hurt than live with resentment and regrets that I didn't give it a chance.

You are about to meet his family finally. Prepare for that and be super excited about it. It's awesome. Do keep us updated!
Thanks for this. I like to think that I am stronger than I allow myself to be at the moment. Need to up my game, really.
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Old 6th October 2017, 10:49 AM   #100
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What would you guys advise me to do on Sunday?
I speak a bit Dutch, but am afraid it may be awkward, since the mom does not speak any English, and there may be communication barriers.
Gosh I am so nervous.
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Old 6th October 2017, 10:58 AM   #101
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What would you guys advise me to do on Sunday?
I speak a bit Dutch, but am afraid it may be awkward, since the mom does not speak any English, and there may be communication barriers.
Gosh I am so nervous.
Don't be nervous, your guy will translate if need be, body language is powerful enough.

My first BF was a Latin guy, his family speaked no English, and me - no Spanish. In our 2 weeks trip to his country I created a very strong bond with them - it is shocking how powerful nonverbal communication can be. Although this guy is long gone from my life and was an a**hole, it always makes me happy when some of his family members reach out for birthdays, Christmas etc.

Just go with the flow.
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Old 9th October 2017, 3:05 PM   #102
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Just a little update, I did meet his parents yesterday, along with the rest of the family (sister plus husband and three kids, brother plus girlfriend, and parents). It was very chill. Since it was an event they organized, the focus was not on me, and I wasn't grilled the whole time. It was a good idea of my guy to do a first meeting this way, I didn't have as much anxiety as I thought I would have. They invited me for a family outing next weekend which, coincidentally, is at a place in my city, so that should be fun. Nice people.
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Old 9th October 2017, 3:16 PM   #103
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I have been in 3 relationships and never declared anything. It was just assumed based on our expressions of love and living with each other. I lived in a poly triad with my wife and a girlfriend we shared for 30 years and as hard as it is to believe, we never spoke about it or named it. To us it was just our normal life.

I think that you just know if you are in a relationship and if you need to declare it, something is missing. You may know because you live together, never date anyone else or spend most of your free time together. No one mentions dating anyone else. What more do you need to know you are in a relationship?
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Old 10th October 2017, 8:18 AM   #104
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I have been in 3 relationships and never declared anything. It was just assumed based on our expressions of love and living with each other. I lived in a poly triad with my wife and a girlfriend we shared for 30 years and as hard as it is to believe, we never spoke about it or named it. To us it was just our normal life.

I think that you just know if you are in a relationship and if you need to declare it, something is missing. You may know because you live together, never date anyone else or spend most of your free time together. No one mentions dating anyone else. What more do you need to know you are in a relationship?
I assume you are 51 Steve? I am also 51 and nowadays is not like in our days when we were in our 20s and 30s. Time has changed a great deal since the online dating phenomenon started. I spent 3 years online in my late 40s and I assure you you better have this conversation or you'll end up having many sad stories like I did.
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Old 10th October 2017, 9:54 AM   #105
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Maybe it's a generational thing for me as well (or cultural), but I don't really get this. You guys are exclusive and you say you love each other. I'm not sure some official declaration of "relationship" is needed. I'd say from the relationship you describe the next step would be living together and or engagement, which you guys may be too early for. So I don't see what the problem is.
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