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No sexual contact with girlfriend, getting impatient


baker3g

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I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 4 months now. It's still a fairly new relationship and she's a virgin, I get it (we're both 23 years old btw). But we've still only engaged in minimal sexual contact and it's killing me. Besides minimal hand action, we've done nothing. What's worse, is that I think I'm in love with her. I love being around her, and she's perfect in absolutely every way. I just have sexual needs and desires that aren't being met and don't want to continue going through this constant state of sexual frustration. We've talked about it several times, and there seems to be no solution as she always says that she's not ready and doesn't know when she will be. I don't know what to do anymore

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She is not ready.

Wait until she is. There isn't much more you can do about that.

 

You also have the option of dumping her and find a girl who will 'meet your sexual needs' (whatever that's supposed to mean...)

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She said she is not ready and doesn't have any idea when she will be. Therefore if you need sex you have no other choice but to break up and get into a relationship that meets your needs. No one can blame you for that.

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Break up with her.

 

You "think you love her" but it is really all about wanting sex.

 

Of course she is waiting - for someone who she know really *does* love and value her beyond the sex and that isn't you.

 

You will be doing both of you a favor if you just end it.

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She is a 23 year old virgin! She most likely got that way by choice & isn't going to change that status because you are impatient. At a minimum you need to be prepared to wait at least one year & maybe until the wedding night. If those prospects don't sound appealing to you, realize you don't love her as much as you claim to & walk away.

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She is a 23 year old virgin! She most likely got that way by choice & isn't going to change that status because you are impatient. At a minimum you need to be prepared to wait at least one year & maybe until the wedding night. If those prospects don't sound appealing to you, realize you don't love her as much as you claim to & walk away.

 

Do you love her or lust her?

 

If you loved her, then waiting for her would not be an issue. How could you stand it if you were in a LDR? Would you have to have your "needs" met elsewhere? What if you get married to her and she can no longer have sex? What if she can't have sex for six weeks after a baby?

 

IMO she is not someone you love but someone you desire. HUGE difference. This is not a "one sided love" at least not from your side if you have to even ask this question. If anything, she is the one who loves you and out of respect for you and her body and your relationship is waiting until she is certain that there is love and not simply lust.

 

And btw, it is not your "needs" that are not being met. It is your desires.

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I don't know why everyone keeps emphasizing my use of "sexual needs", but yes, everyone has them. Yes, sex is important to a relationship, whether you want to admit it or not. I don't want to break up with her, because I do truly love her. I'd be fine with her being a virgin and not having intercourse. It's the fact that there is absolutely no foreplay or sexual contact in our relationship that is the problem. We make out all the time, then we sit there horny, and she refuses to go farther. I have to catch her on a super rare day for her to let me touch her below or get an hj, and even that ends in "I feel bad now" or tears. I now feel bad for asking, and she feels bad for refusing. But quite frankly, I'm sick of jerking myself off. And I don't think there's anything wrong, immoral, or mean about that. So unless you've been through a similar situation, seen this happen with someone else, or have some actually helpful advice, you can keep your "holier than thou" hypocritical responses to yourselves. Thanks

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Do you love her or lust her?

 

If you loved her, then waiting for her would not be an issue. How could you stand it if you were in a LDR? Would you have to have your "needs" met elsewhere? What if you get married to her and she can no longer have sex? What if she can't have sex for six weeks after a baby?

 

IMO she is not someone you love but someone you desire. HUGE difference. This is not a "one sided love" at least not from your side if you have to even ask this question. If anything, she is the one who loves you and out of respect for you and her body and your relationship is waiting until she is certain that there is love and not simply lust.

 

And btw, it is not your "needs" that are not being met. It is your desires.

 

I have to disagree with this. It is one thing if someone can't be physical with you, due to LDR, illness, childbirth, or whatever else has come into play. It is a completely different thing to be denied simply because she doesn't want to.

 

Not only is it a constant and repeated rejection of his desirability, but it's also a rejection of all the closeness and intimacy that sex brings. Sex isn't just about getting off, and yet every time a guy talks about his 'needs' it is assumed to be just this. How about his need to be desired? To feel truly trusted? To bring pleasure to her or to share it in the most intimate way? Some people need that physical intimacy to feel truly loved in a romantic sense. In the context of a relationship, those are all valid 'needs', because without them you have far less of one.

 

It's just as easy to argue that if she truly loved, trusted, cherished, and respected him, she would want to do things to make him feel happy. Claiming his feelings are selfish or incorrect is no better than doing the same to her.

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I have been where you are many times.

 

I am married and have experienced more than you have as of yet when it comes to sexlessness.

 

While sex is an expression of love, it is not a need for love.

 

My advice is not intended to be holier than thou, nor is it without understanding to your plight.

 

But you should view sex as simply a desire. Many, many many, people date and never have sex and then have a very passionate married life. Many many many people who spent their dating days having sex instead of talking and getting to know one another regretted it when they married and realized they didn't know each other.

 

If you cannot respect her desire to stay a virgin until she is ready, then I think you may want to move onto another woman. If you cannot recognize that this need (as you call it) is somewhat selfish if it is being put above her wishes, then perhaps you may want to reconsider your true feelings.

 

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but me being twice your age and having had a few GFs and dating without sexual relations with most and knowing that the "need" can be frustrating....I think I can offer some advice to you. And honestly, if this were my daughter, then I would be incredibly pleased at her strong will despite the fact that she probably wants to please you but cannot do so without losing respect for herself.

 

IMO you may also lose some respect for her if she gives in.

 

Love her as she is, or leave her for someone who will be more compatible with what you want.

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I don't know why everyone keeps emphasizing my use of "sexual needs", but yes, everyone has them. Yes, sex is important to a relationship, whether you want to admit it or not. I don't want to break up with her, because I do truly love her. I'd be fine with her being a virgin and not having intercourse. It's the fact that there is absolutely no foreplay or sexual contact in our relationship that is the problem. We make out all the time, then we sit there horny, and she refuses to go farther. I have to catch her on a super rare day for her to let me touch her below or get an hj, and even that ends in "I feel bad now" or tears. I now feel bad for asking, and she feels bad for refusing. But quite frankly, I'm sick of jerking myself off. And I don't think there's anything wrong, immoral, or mean about that. So unless you've been through a similar situation, seen this happen with someone else, or have some actually helpful advice, you can keep your "holier than thou" hypocritical responses to yourselves. Thanks

 

What part of she's NOT READY for any sexual contact are you failing to grasp? When you do make her gratify you, she ends up in tears? OMG!!! Do you know what that says about you?

 

Yes, it's understandable that you are frustrated. Not getting any gratification from somebody you claim to love & who you are attracted to has to be difficult but that is no reason to keep pressuring her. If she's in tears after your sexual encounters at best you are being a bully. I won't say what that makes you in my eyes in the worst case scenario because I actually like being on LS & the mods would justifiably kick me off if I gave you a piece of my my mind.

 

Face it. You and she are NOT on the same page. You may think you love her but really it seems you don't even like her.

 

You go home & masturbate. She ends up in tears! It's very hard to feel sorry for you under those circumstances. You are not really suffering; you're whining. I agree with James M. It's lust, not love.

 

As to Andy K's point about missing out on the closeness that sex brings, that is valid BUT she is not ready for that level of closeness. Continuing to push her beyond her stated limits for your own gratification is WRONG.

 

You and she are not compatible. Go find a woman who is more your speed & stop pressuring this poor woman to engage in behaviors that she doesn't want.

 

I'm not saying that either position is right or wrong. I am saying it's WRONG to force somebody to your way of thinking when they have a different view, meaning she's equally wrong for not having sex with you but that doesn't mean she had to gratify you. It means she needs to find a man who is more understanding, respectful & patient. You are not that guy.

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I don't know why everyone keeps emphasizing my use of "sexual needs", but yes, everyone has them. Yes, sex is important to a relationship, whether you want to admit it or not. I don't want to break up with her, because I do truly love her. I'd be fine with her being a virgin and not having intercourse. It's the fact that there is absolutely no foreplay or sexual contact in our relationship that is the problem. We make out all the time, then we sit there horny, and she refuses to go farther. I have to catch her on a super rare day for her to let me touch her below or get an hj, and even that ends in "I feel bad now" or tears. I now feel bad for asking, and she feels bad for refusing. But quite frankly, I'm sick of jerking myself off. And I don't think there's anything wrong, immoral, or mean about that. So unless you've been through a similar situation, seen this happen with someone else, or have some actually helpful advice, you can keep your "holier than thou" hypocritical responses to yourselves. Thanks

 

 

You two simply aren't compatible. Neither of you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do, especially when its a sexual thing that makes them so uncomfortable they end up in tears.

 

If you truly love her and yet can't bare waiting any more, then you have to let her go, so she can find someone who is more sexually compatible.

 

Incompatibility is a major relationship killer, and its much better for you both to go your separate ways and find people who are better matches for you. That way you both have a chance to find more compatible and happier relationships. :)

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I don't know why everyone keeps emphasizing my use of "sexual needs", but yes, everyone has them. Yes, sex is important to a relationship, whether you want to admit it or not. I don't want to break up with her, because I do truly love her. I'd be fine with her being a virgin and not having intercourse. It's the fact that there is absolutely no foreplay or sexual contact in our relationship that is the problem. We make out all the time, then we sit there horny, and she refuses to go farther. I have to catch her on a super rare day for her to let me touch her below or get an hj, and even that ends in "I feel bad now" or tears. I now feel bad for asking, and she feels bad for refusing. But quite frankly, I'm sick of jerking myself off. And I don't think there's anything wrong, immoral, or mean about that. So unless you've been through a similar situation, seen this happen with someone else, or have some actually helpful advice, you can keep your "holier than thou" hypocritical responses to yourselves. Thanks

 

Whether you like the advice or not is up to you however what folks are saying is correct. Some of us have more than a few years on you and experience. You are not compatible with this girl...it is that simple. Her virginity is precious to her and the "why" is really irrelevant. You either respect that and deal with it or you respect that and and back off/break-up with her. You are correct. Having sexual needs/desires is very normal. She has them just like you do. But for her the price to fulfill those desires is too much as it will be something that affects her literally for the rest of life. Would you compromise or give up something you deem precious for 10 minutes of pleasure? Of course the argument will be "..but if she loved me...". Ultimatums and pressure do not equal love...sorry.

 

Andy K: If her morals, beliefs, etc. dictate that sex should not happen prior to marriage then she is being true to herself. Seriously, I know if a Christian she will view her relationship with God as first and foremost and sex outside of marriage is not viewed positively at all. If she engages she knows she is hurting that relationship, compromising herself, and leading him in a sinful direction....its a pretty big deal and burden. That does not mean this choice is easy for her but ultimately she has to look herself in the mirror. If she has doubts about the relationship, questions his or her own feelings then again she is right to choose to retain her virginity.

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As to Andy K's point about missing out on the closeness that sex brings, that is valid BUT she is not ready for that level of closeness. Continuing to push her beyond her stated limits for your own gratification is WRONG.

 

You and she are not compatible. Go find a woman who is more your speed & stop pressuring this poor woman to engage in behaviors that she doesn't want.

 

Couldn't agree with this more. Leave her alone and find a better match, someone who is as sexual as you are.

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Op if this girl is the type to wait till marriage and your not even close to that ideal then I would dump her and move on.

 

It doesn't make you a bad guy not to wait for her I too like many others believe a good relationship needs sex.

 

and she's not the best girl in the world ever you already know that since you arnt compatible, you can find another interesting girl just as good looking with the same sexual desires as you.

 

She may say things like "you dont love me, or you're a jerk for not waiting" if she gets like that remind her the choice she made to never have sex until whatever it is she's waiting for that was the choice she made and that doesn't mean every man that's with her must give up his desires and follow that's not what you picked.

 

I say move on

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Compatibility is hugely important in a relationship. I agree with others here.

 

Neither of you are wrong for feeling the way you do, some people are more sexual than others or have different views about sex etc. This just means that you aren't a good match.

 

But you should NEVER pressure someone into sexual activities. That isn't good for either of you. And it certainly won't make you feel more desired because you'll know deep down that its upsetting her. :(

 

I know break ups hurt, but it'll give you both the chance to find partners more on your level, both sexually and maybe in other areas too. :)

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Wow, you are manipulating the hell out of her. She's her own person and needs to say no, but you sound like you are PUSHING her to say yes. Good grief, dude. You ARE a jerk. Not for wanting sex, but for watching this girl cry due to feeling like she has to compromise herself to make you happy. For some reason you seem to think SHE is the problem? Are you kidding me?

 

Please break up with her. Nobody deserves to be with someone like you. There is no excuse for this behavior. You knew she was a virgin and you still pursued her and now you are upset she won't give you any. You are breaking down this poor girl, even if she doesn't realize it. She is going to look back on these times and resent you for it once she realizes she's better than that (if she ever does).

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d0nnivain, you're a joke. I never said anything about forcing her to do anything. On these "good days" she is usually the one instigating the sexual contact, the crying is the aftermath. I feel bad that she feels bad, and try to be comforting, but am by no means responsible for that. Cut the witch hunt bs. And we actually are compatible in almost every way except this, if not I'd have been gone after date one. I've never dated a girl for longer than 3 weeks w/o sex (that's even a generous estimation), so this is obviously different. A prime example is last night. We met after work, it was a perfect evening. Everything was great until we went to bed and the sex convo happened. She could sense my disappointment and started crying. It was a typical Monday, a perfect evening that came to a screeching halt. The fact is, I can't see myself ever leaving her. However, I don't want to look back on this point regretting my life years later as some chump in a sexless marriage.

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d0nnivain, you're a joke. I never said anything about forcing her to do anything. On these "good days" she is usually the one instigating the sexual contact, the crying is the aftermath. I feel bad that she feels bad, and try to be comforting, but am by no means responsible for that. Cut the witch hunt bs. And we actually are compatible in almost every way except this, if not I'd have been gone after date one. I've never dated a girl for longer than 3 weeks w/o sex (that's even a generous estimation), so this is obviously different. A prime example is last night. We met after work, it was a perfect evening. Everything was great until we went to bed and the sex convo happened. She could sense my disappointment and started crying. It was a typical Monday, a perfect evening that came to a screeching halt. The fact is, I can't see myself ever leaving her. However, I don't want to look back on this point regretting my life years later as some chump in a sexless marriage.

 

Are you kidding me? You've been dating for FOUR MONTHS. That's NOTHING. Sexless marriage? Just break up with her, I'm serious. She feels horrible afterwards and if you loved her, you would not allow it get this far. She is doing to make YOU happy, not her. She is essentially hurting herself for YOU. That's 1) not how sex is supposed to work and 2) not how a "loving" relationship is supposed to work.

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Wow, you are manipulating the hell out of her. She's her own person and needs to say no, but you sound like you are PUSHING her to say yes. Good grief, dude. You ARE a jerk. Not for wanting sex, but for watching this girl cry due to feeling like she has to compromise herself to make you happy. For some reason you seem to think SHE is the problem? Are you kidding me?

 

Please break up with her. Nobody deserves to be with someone like you. There is no excuse for this behavior. You knew she was a virgin and you still pursued her and now you are upset she won't give you any. You are breaking down this poor girl, even if she doesn't realize it. She is going to look back on these times and resent you for it once she realizes she's better than that (if she ever does).

 

You have no idea what you're talking about

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WhatIsLove2014
d0nnivain, you're a joke. I never said anything about forcing her to do anything. On these "good days" she is usually the one instigating the sexual contact, the crying is the aftermath. I feel bad that she feels bad, and try to be comforting, but am by no means responsible for that. Cut the witch hunt bs. And we actually are compatible in almost every way except this, if not I'd have been gone after date one. I've never dated a girl for longer than 3 weeks w/o sex (that's even a generous estimation), so this is obviously different. A prime example is last night. We met after work, it was a perfect evening. Everything was great until we went to bed and the sex convo happened. She could sense my disappointment and started crying. It was a typical Monday, a perfect evening that came to a screeching halt. The fact is, I can't see myself ever leaving her. However, I don't want to look back on this point regretting my life years later as some chump in a sexless marriage.

 

Either leave her alone about it or let it go. If you truly love her, stop talking about it...stop bringing it up. Yea, she may instigate it but she doesn't want it to go any further. So let it go or leave her. Idk what type of advice you are looking for. You literally only have two choices because you can't magically make her ready.

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I am on the fence about this.

 

On one hand, you should respect her wishes to wait.

 

On the other, her "cold" behavior to you might suggest similar sexual relations in the future. By that I mean, you mentioned she gives you very minimal "hand" action, yes? If she is OKAY with doing that, but does so on a very infrequent basis, would it be right to assume she will also be this way in the future once she is READY to have sex? Would sex be a very scant thing that comes up once in every full moon cycle? That's what I am thinking right now.

 

I would probably let this one go. I think this is a compatibility issue.

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She is probably providing this minimal level of sexual contact to keep you, but really isn't into it. Will she be eventually? Maybe, but the signs are such that you may be completely sexually incompatible and she may be sexually dysfunctional - or at the least having a completely different level of libido which will cause perpetual problems and unhappiness.

 

As others have said: let her go.

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d0nnivain, you're a joke. I never said anything about forcing her to do anything. On these "good days" she is usually the one instigating the sexual contact, the crying is the aftermath. I feel bad that she feels bad, and try to be comforting, but am by no means responsible for that. Cut the witch hunt bs. And we actually are compatible in almost every way except this, if not I'd have been gone after date one. I've never dated a girl for longer than 3 weeks w/o sex (that's even a generous estimation), so this is obviously different. A prime example is last night. We met after work, it was a perfect evening. Everything was great until we went to bed and the sex convo happened. She could sense my disappointment and started crying. It was a typical Monday, a perfect evening that came to a screeching halt. The fact is, I can't see myself ever leaving her. However, I don't want to look back on this point regretting my life years later as some chump in a sexless marriage.

 

Even if you are compatible in EVERY SINGLE other area, this aspect of the relationship is HUGELY important to you, as you've stated numerous times already.

 

Therefore you are not compatible enough to make this a happy relationship, as you are not compatible in an area that is especially important to you.

 

You really need to move on and find someone who is more SEXUALLY compatible with you, before you BOTH end up regretting it!!

 

No one should feel like they HAVE to force themselves to do sexual things just to make someone else happy , especially when it makes them feel so uncomfortable. And it CLEARLY makes her feel incredibly uncomfortable and upset, otherwise she wouldn't be in tears afterwards, even if she did initiate it in hopes it'd make you happy.

 

One of you needs to put your needs first here, because at the moment you are both suffering and a happy relationship shouldn't involve so much suffering. :(

 

You really need to be the bigger person here OP, to step up and decide to move on so you can both find better matches and happier relationships.

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