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The problem with "nice guys"


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Old 13th December 2017, 12:43 PM   #16
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Being consistently giving and loving seems to have worked out fairly well for the SO.

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Originally Posted by thefooloftheyear View Post
It's just that if you have little else to offer, being nice won't get you anywhere....And that's true in most aspects of life, business, etc...
Yeah, pretty much this. It's pretty astounding how some men blame their failures with women on "being too nice". Unless you're literally a doormat with zero boundaries (which is very different from being loving and caring), no decent woman is going to turn down a man just because he's "nice". On the other hand, most women have more requirements than just "niceness" - and most men do too, really.
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Old 13th December 2017, 12:48 PM   #17
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Good point... Alpha, add in 'all else being equal' and see how it scans...... the stuff others have mentioned, looks, social popularity, economic success, etc. Human mating is very discriminatory and downright brutal at times so that's a factor too which works against people with 'nice' personalities, in general.

I'll offer the conjugal visit example
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Old 13th December 2017, 12:58 PM   #18
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I doubt that I will ever score any points on the "danger" front, but (unfortunately) the aloof/challenge thing does work. When I was young and single, I was always the one more interested and always the one dumped because I wanted to jump into relationship-mode right away. With my wife, it was different. She was more interested and I was more aloof and hesitant and yada-yada-yada, we've been together about 25 years.

The thing is . . . I wasn't playing a hard-to-get angle. I really was conflicted and less interested. It robbed me of a honeymoon period and in some ways still presents an intimacy barrier. I've learned that to be satisfied in an LTR, I need to feel that I can be completely open with my partner. How do you reconcile this with the need to take a hard-to-get approach in order to attract someone in the first place? At what point is it OK for a man to be vulnerable and admit his real feelings for a woman?
How old were you when you met and married your wife? If you were under 35, you cashed in your chips too soon. You totally missed out on the male privilege years...
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Old 13th December 2017, 1:05 PM   #19
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The problem with nice guys is that they're not really nice. They only think they are... and this self delusion is often such a problem that they never see themselves accurately.

All the biggest jerks I've ever met are self professed "nice guys" with a holier than thou attitude and so full of resentment for not being put on a pedestal that it's impossible to deal with these guys. No matter what you say to them to try to help them while they're complaining about not being treated right by women and the world (and trust me, they're always complaining) they're too stuck in their own sense of grandeur to hear you and will keep on being defensive over how great they are and how it's everyone else's fault but their own. This happens UNFAILINGLY.

Now when I hear a man brag about what a nice guy they are.. it turns me off right away. HUGE red flag
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Old 13th December 2017, 1:32 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by Eternal Sunshine View Post
How old were you when you met and married your wife? If you were under 35, you cashed in your chips too soon. You totally missed out on the male privilege years...
I was only 24 - no doubt that I should have had more patience and waited until I stared my career to really worry about being serious with women. I was a poor grad student with no money and an empty life. Since my parents married at 19, I thought I was past my prime. It never dawned on me that there could be a time in the future when having a little money and a career I loved would have made being single more fulfilling regardless of how things worked out with women.

Of course, Iím sure I would have reached clinical depression if my dry spell continued through the four remaining years I had left in grad school. Also, I now have more interests and hobbies, both work- and non-work-related, than I ever feel I have time for. Has that been fostered by the fact that Iíve had a stable relationship with someone who is not actively trying to monkeybranch to another man? There are always pros/cons no matter how things go.
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Old 13th December 2017, 8:41 PM   #21
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The problem with Nice Guys is that a lot of complete jerks fail to get dates and decide that the problem is that they were "too nice".

You women just don't appreciate me! You're all stupid cows! Can't you see how nice I am???

Ugh.
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Old 13th December 2017, 8:57 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by Fair View Post
The problem with nice guys is that they're not really nice. They only think they are... and this self delusion is often such a problem that they never see themselves accurately.

All the biggest jerks I've ever met are self professed "nice guys" with a holier than thou attitude and so full of resentment for not being put on a pedestal that it's impossible to deal with these guys. No matter what you say to them to try to help them while they're complaining about not being treated right by women and the world (and trust me, they're always complaining) they're too stuck in their own sense of grandeur to hear you and will keep on being defensive over how great they are and how it's everyone else's fault but their own. This happens UNFAILINGLY.

Now when I hear a man brag about what a nice guy they are.. it turns me off right away. HUGE red flag

dated a "really nice guy" until it was time to tell him i didnt think we were compatible and i wasnt going to waste his time( i had this intuition about him)........


he then turned on me......said he had better options than me and that i was ugly and fat anyway i was lucky to have had him......after that he harassed me by phone ringing all hours of the night threatening me until the guy i was dating after him took the phone off me....and told him he would find him if he didnt stop......

maybe its because there are these chameleon nice guys who go around being chameleons......its better the devil you know and can handle with bad boys....

i still hold my hope for a real man who doesnt pretend to be nice to get his way but actually is nice.....and i do like a guy to have a mischievous and adventurous spirit...just without a criminal record and have respect for me enough to be true to himself and to me....deb.....
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Old 13th December 2017, 9:07 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by alphamale View Post
Nice guys just don't turn women on.
The problem with this, as with most generalizations, is that it assumes everyone is the same. They're not. This kind of view comes from reading PUA material and taking it too seriously, in my opinion. That stuff works, but only on the girls that it works on.

For me personally, the girls that go for "bad boys" and like to play all the mind-games (manipulations revolving around being hot/cold etc.), are exactly the sorts of girls I'm not attracted to. So following your strategy will actually end up getting me the wrongs girls! I'm attracted to girls who are intelligent enough to see through all that crap, and those ones would run a mile if I pursued PUA tactics.

And yes, those girls do exist. You just probably don't date them!
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Old 13th December 2017, 9:44 PM   #24
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Load of garbage.
like l just said here last week and about 50 other times..

whens the last time you read around here some chick all exited about an ******* !
They get left and divorced and the boot., and all that stuff.

The first thing they say when they liked him is oh he was really nice and tentative and rah rah rah .

Just be who you are guys if she doesn't like that then she's not the women for you.
No rocket science needed.

Last edited by Chilli; 13th December 2017 at 9:47 PM..
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Old 13th December 2017, 9:57 PM   #25
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Besides , if it's a relationship or marriage you want , wth would you wanna be someone else and or want a wife who doesn't love you for who you really are, how long you think that's gonna last and why would you want it anyway.
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Old 13th December 2017, 9:58 PM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chilli View Post
Load of garbage.
like l just said here last week and about 50 other times..

whens the last time you read around here some chick all exited about an ******* !
They get left and divorced and the boot., and all that stuff.

The first thing they say when they liked him is oh he was really nice and tentative and rah rah rah .

Just be who you are guys if she doesn't like that then she's not the women for you.
No rocket science needed.
so this post..on repeat

..you have to be true to yourself first....if the woman likes the true you ...you will never have to be anything else than who you are..no fake nice....... and it goes for woman being true to themselves too...deb
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Old 13th December 2017, 10:11 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by understand50 View Post
I think it is in your own point of view. As a nice guy myself, I would not go after any woman that is in to "Bad boys". Why put up with all the baggage? As a nice, whole, put together guy, I am worth more on the market. Real nice guys go fast, they find other good women and marry settle down and have kids. Leaving the women who are into "Bad boys" to wonder where are the nice good guys are when they want to settle down. They deserve what they get in the end. For the guy who is nice, do not sell yourself short, hold out for that woman that complements you. You ideas of fidelity, honor and being a good husband and mate are worth more then you can know.

What you really need is self confidence. Have that, and the rest will follow.
i agree with everything you posted..... but not the (they deserve what they got in the end) comment...no one even the deluded deserve bad treatment from anyone..its like telling a broken person .....you wanted him he beat you up physically and or and emotionally ......now you want a nice guy....you deserve what you got in the end...what they actually deserved is to be treated with humanity at all times...with respect and understanding....

some people not even only applicable to women....people when young and inexperienced..dont know what is good for them and what is bad they even believe they are the one who can change that guy....or change that woman they are the person that partner will want to settle down with ........so people make poor choices when inexperienced and immature....no one then deserves to say to them.....you deserve what you got...its a lesson that hurts......maybe it needed to be learned the hard way.......that person also should have a chance at dating a nice guy.....for sure.....to be treated right ....to see the other side of loving and being loved....especially when they experience a life lesson and find a change of heart..deb.........

Last edited by todreaminblue; 13th December 2017 at 10:13 PM..
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Old 13th December 2017, 11:24 PM   #28
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IMO there are two types of nice guys:

- The fake ones: They will act super friendly around women in the hope that will get them laid, but in their circle of girl friends they become resentful, bitter and jealous when say friends sleep with other men. These guys lose in the end

- The true nice guys: They have a strong moral compass and may not be like those leather jackets bikers that many women go after but they are sincerely kind (Not overly so) generous and caring while in a relationship. These guys Always win.

Even though "the nice guys" may be seen as old school they are usually the men women choose and want. Reliability, confidence and stability being nice qualities.
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Old 13th December 2017, 11:36 PM   #29
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The problem with nice guys is that most of them are taken
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Old 14th December 2017, 12:03 AM   #30
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Sorry, can someone remind me, what was the definition of a nice guy again? I think I forgot 'cause I got lost in all the smoke and mirrors on this thread..

There are no nice guys ladies. We all just want to see your panties and bras.
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