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Appeal of Serious Relationships?


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Old 6th October 2017, 4:49 AM   #1
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Appeal of Serious Relationships?

Hi. Sorry for the threads. I realize my perception of how relationships often go are not how they all are...Love is a many spendor thing, indeed. But this is just something I've noticed about LTR myself.


When you start seeing someone, at first everything is fun and light. You're free and you bring your best self. You have space to reflect and time to recharge. You see each other maybe once a week (if you want to).

But eventually once a week is expected to be 2x a week. Then more. The more you see someone romantically, the more a serious relationship is inevitable because you are pouring so much energy and self into each other. You can't really focus on yourself as much anymore.

You begin to have no time to reflect on things because it is happening in that moment. All you know is you are spending all this time with this person you enjoy being around a lot or maybe just enough, but you don't know if it's the best or healthiest thing for you.

You guys begin to form a unity. You begin to lose a huge portion of your autonomy. It's "we" now. You have to consult that person when you want to do something and vice versa. You want a break away for a week, two, three, can you? You don't want to call or text for a week sometimes, then trust issues may arise. "Why were you gone for three weeks?" "I wanted to be by myself for awhile" "Don't you like being with me?"

This person's problems become your own. This person's hopes and dreams are now, in part, your responsibility. And the problems you had; well... you may not have had any before, but you do now.

Think of how nice it was to sit back and not have to worry about a single thing besides needing a +1 occasionally. If you needed some emotional support, you'd call up a friend. If you got lonely for intimacy you could just meet someone off of an app. Now you have you have to offer another person intimacy even if you don't feel like it!

You start to see the worst parts of this person and they see them in you. Arguments. By now, you're so entangled you've started to feel cold comfort being with them. YOU need them now. You don't know how else to be. You've done so much you wouldn't have done at this juncture you don't even know who you are anymore. You're less you and more the parasitic twin of this person.

I really can't empathize with people who feel bad they aren't in a relationship. In fact, when I think about my friends who are coupled I feel kind of bad for them, especially if it's really long-term. The only appeal I can see is you want kids raised in nuclear family, you are a dependantish person, you are very sensitive to cultural pressure. Am I missing something?

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 6th October 2017 at 5:03 AM..
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Old 6th October 2017, 5:44 AM   #2
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Those are odd questions to ask. Do you avoid responsibility in other aspects of your life? I always had to take care of people in some shape or form, may it be family, friends or employees. If a relationship causes you that much concern, the thought of having a child must outright frighten you. A being you are completely responsible for, someone you can't avoid or break up with.
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Old 6th October 2017, 5:46 AM   #3
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First off, don't apologize for all the threads. You are asking questions to learn and that is a good thing because not many people in general like to exercise their brain.

To address the thread...um I guess I can kinda see where you're coming from. Are you basically saying you feel people aren't able to live life unless they're in a serious relationship with someone? If so I would have to agree with you. Just another one of the many things that us humans tens to be dependent on. I personally would much rather be in a relationship than alone because I feel having a relationship with someone you can be your 100% self with is one of life's greatest blessings. You literally have found someone that totally understands you in a way that no one else has. Do you know how great that makes someone feel? The fact that they don't have to feel alone anymore? It's a high better than any drug can ever give you.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that yeah even though people tend to be overly dependent on being in a relationship, I think it's better to be in one than to not be, that is unless the relationship is toxic, which sadly a very high majority of them are. Believe it or not there is a book called The Exceptional 7 Percent which basically goes deep in how the 7% of people in successful marriages keep so happy in their relationships and how they do it. Haven't gotten to reading it yet, but man, that is just such a small minority. Granted the book is fairly old, but still...
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Old 6th October 2017, 9:10 AM   #4
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Wow, you have a very negative view on relationships. You probably have never been in a good one to picture it so negatively.

I've known both, I was single almost 10 years and I've been in relationships.

I can attest that I did more growing and evolving while I was single, that's why it's better to enter serious dating past 25 years old when you've discovered who you are and what you want to do with your life. I firmly believe someone should have known independence on their own before melting their life to someone else.

That being said being in a healthy relationship is very fulfilling and it does not have to be this prison you are describing. I am in a relationship where there are space to grow, I don't need to report to him, I don't need his permission, and if I need time alone he's independent enough to understand and gladly offer it to me.

Not all couples are like your friends. Did you know many married couples keep separate homes? exactly so they don't get annoyed at each other.

And finally not all human beings are meant to be in relationships. If it's synonym of a prison to you than by all mean don't be in one.
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Last edited by Gaeta; 6th October 2017 at 9:19 AM..
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Old 6th October 2017, 11:07 AM   #5
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Quote:
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Those are odd questions to ask. Do you avoid responsibility in other aspects of your life? I always had to take care of people in some shape or form, may it be family, friends or employees. If a relationship causes you that much concern, the thought of having a child must outright frighten you. A being you are completely responsible for, someone you can't avoid or break up with.
Yes but with school, work, even a child(as wrong as it sounds) there's something people gain from it. With a child, you have something that is part of you or something to nuture. Is that why people get serious relationships? To have something to love and take care of?

I guess I'm trying to ask what really can a woman gain from a serious relationship.. Zaykaywill says it's so someone understands you and you don't feel alone. I do want to connect with someone, but I do you really need to be in a serious relationship that? I feel like that can be accomplished by friendship or even casual dating and be a lot less consuming.

It's hard for me to understand the lonely feeling from being single people often talk about. I've never got that way. I get bouts of loneliness but they're completely unrelated to romance and pass quickly.

There seems little to nothing to gain from serious relationships opposed and a lot youre 'losing'

My parents and most of my friends have relatively great relationships, but still I look at my friend's bf arranging cookies on a plate and sometimes just shake my head.

I see what Gaeta is saying and I agree.. Different people are wired differently.

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 6th October 2017 at 11:27 AM..
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Old 6th October 2017, 7:22 PM   #6
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When I am around other couples, I actually don't envy their lives. I get a deep sense of boredom and complacency. I often go home really happy that I am single.

Sometimes, traveling alone for example gets boring. It would be nice to have a partner to travel with. It would also be nice to have someone to call to when you are sick or need help. But it's still a high price to pay for losing all your time and independence.

Since I don't want to have children, I am not looking for marriage. I am looking for a relationship with someone that I would be so crazy about, I won't mind some sacrifices. Still, this person would have to let me retain a high degree of independence while also not seeing other women and being committed to me.
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Old 6th October 2017, 7:44 PM   #7
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Huh, I don't even know what to say....

Because I have been in a serious relationship for 15 years and I don't identify with anything you have written.

I love having a partner in life. To live with my best friend. He's got my back and I have his. It's us against the world baby!

Someone to share and multiply all my joys with. Someone to share and lighten the burden of my sorrows with.

The comfort of his arms, the joy of seeing his face every morning.

Sharing our love.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.
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Old 6th October 2017, 7:45 PM   #8
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Everyone is different what their priorities are. Some people feel they always have to be in a relationship and don't like to go it alone. Others find relationships restricting and quickly get out once the fun part is over and the prison gates start closing.

I envy those people who found the person that they're so secure with that neither of them has to worry much. But those people are few and far between. I thought one of my friend's marriage was like that but he got chronically ill and has been in bed for years now and she's off galavanting around because she wasn't cut out to be a loyal person by his bedside. She needs constant attention from someone. So that fell flat.

Other friends of mine, I basically have felt they'd be better off without the ones they ended up having kids with, but it's not my choice. It's theirs. They have different needs than mine. I feel they're constantly frustrated, but not enough to leave or else fear keeps them there, financial fear mainly.

I never settled, so I am still single. It's that simple. It's a lot of it just who I am and not anyone else's fault. But I've never felt bad about it and you shouldn't either. If you find your guy, fantastic, and enjoy it for as long as it is more fun than not. But if you don't, you're probably going to be overall happier on your own. Just be sure, Cookies, that you have something in your life that you can passionately focus on, a career, an attainable lifestyle with hobbies, pursuing higher education, whatever, because you want to be a happy single person and not an unhappy one. Bottom line, if you're happy, whatever it is that makes you happy, that's all that really matters in life. Doesn't matter if you get there the easy way or the hard way. Just get happy.
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Old 6th October 2017, 7:50 PM   #9
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What is your parents relationships like cookies? Is it this miserable prison of arguing and no identity you describe?

My dad and stepmom have been married for 30 years. Their love and joy is patitable to all around them.

To separate lives enhanced by their togetherness.

Sometimes 1 +1 equals more than 2. That is what a great life partner is all about. It's not a life of losses but many gains.
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Old 6th October 2017, 8:22 PM   #10
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When you have genuine love and devotion it is a great thing but most people these days are not capable of that.
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Old 6th October 2017, 8:55 PM   #11
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ES, I see what you're saying. That makes sense

Preraph, your post really spoke to me. I feel I will stay single lifelong too!!

Quote:
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What is your parents relationships like cookies? Is it this miserable prison of arguing and no identity you describe?

My dad and stepmom have been married for 30 years. Their love and joy is patitable to all around them.

To separate lives enhanced by their togetherness.

Sometimes 1 +1 equals more than 2. That is what a great life partner is all about. It's not a life of losses but many gains.
That's great to hear. Some people like you are happy paired and some just aren't. I think it's hard for others to understand when they identify with and are comfortable in relationships most of their adult life. What's funny is my parents are happy married decades without much fighting but that is actually quite rare if you think about it. Even so, I can't help but think how much happier they could have been if they never had me and were single.. My mom is a bit of a feminist and taught me a lot of independence. That may be why.


What I am speaking of here is a lot of my XP with my ex and how I felt being in a relationship. I felt smothered. I felt I lost myself in the relationship and gained very little. Nothing I couldn't have gained from being single and having male companionship if I wanted...

I like that exciting spark and passion.


Thanks, woggle, for your perspective. Some people just don't do it right. That's true.
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Last edited by Cookiesandough; 6th October 2017 at 9:10 PM..
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Old 6th October 2017, 9:10 PM   #12
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Hum...

I feel like that Mr and I have the best of both worlds as a childless couple.

We pool our money. I have a PARTNER in every sense (and you know what, there HAS been infidelity - and it wasn't a deal killer for either of us, basically we decided we are sex freaks and used the whole thing to strengthen our communication- I know that doesn't work for most).

We have tons of freedom. Both of us have time consuming hobbies we are passionate about. He may go on a mountain bike / bmx / party trip with the dudes, I have my horse back riding and comps etc to keep me busy.

Basically we see each other in the evenings, and go on vacations together.

Sometimes he will go out on the town without me - and sometimes I go out solo as well.

But if I get a promotion (like I did today!!! Yay!) Who's the first person I called? When my mom died, who did I call? Him! He's my cheer leader, my support, my rock, my dude.

And I am there for him when life throws you curve balls. His joy is my joy. His pain is my pain.

I can't think of any downsides to being in a relationship with him.....
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Old 6th October 2017, 9:13 PM   #13
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I never felt like my current marriage encroached on my freedom. I still all the things I did when I was single but the key is that I found somebody who supports that.
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Old 6th October 2017, 9:15 PM   #14
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I think life is great. I'm just one of those guys that really enjoys the little things. I love my books, video games, movies, music, traveling, working out, you name it. I just think it's awesome. The only thing that makes life better, IMO, is sharing it with someone you care about. Sharing your activities, sharing your triumphs, sharing your defeats. Sharing all of those things with someone that actually cares.

Relationships shouldn't be about what you can get out of it. If that is your mindset going in, you may as well not bother. If I wanted to just get what I could out of ladies, I would just stay single. Have a different girl come over and blow me when I felt like it. I know all about that, because that was my life for a couple years. In the end, I just felt empty.
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Old 6th October 2017, 9:17 PM   #15
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You know you have a good woman when she takes a vacation week with you so you can play GTA V together the week it came out. I think she got more into it than I did.
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