Particpant to Cheating, What constitutes responsibility?

[kgcolonel]

Just read a thread where an individual had sex with another, knowing the other had a BF and attempted to claim that he had no responsibility as "he" wasn't the one cheating.

 

My question is: Where is society today if we all take this same approach of complete self interest? Is this truly where our society is, that one can knowlingly participate in a cheating interaction and truly feel that they have no fault or ownership in any wrong doing?

 

Maybe I am just shocked or maybe I just don't want to believe that our society is as morally void of ethics as this might indicate. Very sad if this is where we are.

 

What are your thoughts?

[kztar]

Just read a thread where an individual had sex with another, knowing the other had a BF and attempted to claim that he had no responsibility as "he" wasn't the one cheating.

 

My question is: Where is society today if we all take this same approach of complete self interest? Is this truly where our society is, that one can knowlingly participate in a cheating interaction and truly feel that they have no fault or ownership in any wrong doing?

 

Maybe I am just shocked or maybe I just don't want to believe that our society is as morally void of ethics as this might indicate. Very sad if this is where we are.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Well, honestly, there's no right or wrong answer here but in my opinion the person that should be responsible is the person in the relationship. The single person could care less about the other party in terms of who they are, how they feel etc.

 

Honestly, i've been pursued by guys in a relationship and they go so HARD that after a while, im like well they must not care about their significant others that much, therefore why should I care. It'd not my problem, I have no obligation to anyone. However, this is someone that I would NEVER take serious. They will do to you as they did to others. I'd have fun with them and keep it moving.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't know what to say about this except that people who behave this way and then take ZERO responsibility for their part are beyond immature.

 

I don't know how new this really is or perhaps we're just are more open about sharing those naughty details these days.

[dichotomy]

Sheesh - I did not rob the bank, I just agreed to drive the car for the guy who did it.... and yes I let him use my gun, but I did not do anything to anyone !

[carhill]

Most folks don't get all bound up in collateral damage analysis. Spend a life on the straight and narrow and get, well, dead at the end.

 

People get hurt every day. Fortunately, not too many die. None of us can read minds so we have no way of ever knowing for sure that any action we take in life is guaranteed not to hurt someone. Sure, one can spend their whole life carefully picking through the minefield of the feelings of others. Most folks, in my experience, don't care.

 

I'll look for my cookie at the end for not having sex with married people. I'm sure it'll be a warm, juicy one. Yum.

[SammySammy]

We're responsible for what we do whether we accept it or not.

[mikeylo]

Of course the one participating with a taken one is as much irresponsible as the other. They can say whatever they want to but it doesnt change their character or moral wrong doing. Even the cheater doesnt always take responsibilty.They put the blame on their BS.

[kgcolonel]

This is relieving....I was beginning to think that the moral compass had gone down the drain....thank you very much!!

[Liam1]

Just read a thread where an individual had sex with another, knowing the other had a BF and attempted to claim that he had no responsibility as "he" wasn't the one cheating.

 

Not all boyfriends and girlfriends expect exclusivity. If exclusivity was not an expectation than no cheating took place.

 

My question is: Where is society today if we all take this same approach of complete self interest? Is this truly where our society is, that one can knowlingly participate in a cheating interaction and truly feel that they have no fault or ownership in any wrong doing?

Which Society? There are many across the globe. Not all have the same rules. Western society like most other societies has rules that are continually in flux throughout the centuries.

 

For example in western society not too long ago slavery was accepted even though owning slaves was mainly about the self interests of the land owners and people who were the recipients of the slave's services.

 

Today western society considers slavery appalling.

 

In some societies today, infidelity is punishable by death, but only for the woman.

 

In some societies punishing female infidelity with death was centuries ago part of their moral code and sense of ethics, but that changed in later centuries.

 

Millennials have a far different view of relationships and sex than generation X or Boomers.

 

Don't forget millennials are the generation of hook ups and Eff Buddies and experimenting with bi-sexuality for a lark. To a large segment of millennials it is all perfectly acceptable.

 

Sex and love are two separate issues to a large proportion of millennials.

 

Maybe I am just shocked or maybe I just don't want to believe that our society is as morally void of ethics as this might indicate. Very sad if this is where we are.

 

What are your thoughts?

I think you answered your own question. Maybe you are just shocked. Shocked by a a particular sense of morality or ethics that different generations might not feel apply to them in the 21st century.

 

Personally, It is my opinion, for what it's worth, that the person who is in the relationship with someone else, if the relationship was agreed to be exclusive, is the one that should own the responsibility of breaking a rule that was set in the relationship, if indeed one was set.

 

People have free will and there are very few states that have laws in place to prosecute infidelity as crime anymore. Even those that do, rarely prosecute because societies attitudes have changes.

 

However, in total, if no personal relationship rule was broken, no relationship transgression took place.

[preraph]

It really is down to the details. Sometimes cheating is a product of the marriage falling apart and an inability for the two to communicate or take action instead. Sometimes it's just recreational cheating.

 

Either way, the burden is more on the married person, but the person he's cheating with needs to understand they're in the worst position if there are any feelings there. There is culpability on the cheater's partner if the cheating isn't a sure prelude to a divorce that's inevitable anyway. When I was in my 20s, a lot of guys I knew were just to the time when they were finally breaking up with their high school sweethearts. They both simply grew apart. Usually it wasn't even very acrimonious. I had the position of being able to see them together -- or not. Like one guy was married and in a little local band and out all the time and had a big circle of friends, and I never once saw his wife with him or knew he had one. Once I found out, the hard way, I mean, it was no wonder they were about to divorce. They had separate lives.

 

There are always men and women who sort of prey on married people, and they're low-lifes, but it's still the married one who is breaking a vow.

[burnt]

Excellent question!

 

Well I try my best to convince the people around me that each and every single time you buy another plastic bottle (and the ten gazzillion other wasted stuff) you are actually destroying the very world that your dear darling beloved sweetie pie cutesie little children will have to inherit one day,…

 

ummm

I don't really get to see a single person changing their 'normal' behaviors even when they know they themselves are contributing to destroying so many LIVES, by putting one teeny tiny drops of poison in the very nature that keeps us alive.

 

Well,

they say it's the government's job to address the environmental issues.

 

So, what were you saying about the society and moral responsibilities again?

 

Seriously, how many people can you count (in one hand) who think about and question their day to day actions and how deeply everything we do and buy and use impacts on the rest of the ENTIRE world--not just one person?

[Methodical]

I agree that it's ultimately the married person responsibility. A single person, or one in an open relationship, has no vested interest the someone else's marriage.

 

Some ppl are oblivious that they are the OM/OW. That said, once they find out, it's not unusual for them to maintain contact. Eventually they MAY cut contact but that usually doesn't happen until they realize the OM/OW is not leaving their spouse. Some wash their hands of the mess and move on while others continue as they were until they get tired of breadcrumbs or get caught.

[Methodical]

Sheesh - I did not rob the bank, I just agreed to drive the car for the guy who did it.... and yes I let him use my gun, but I did not do anything to anyone !

 

In some cases, the other person didn't lend a gun or drive the car. They may not know where the money came from and dare not question it, but they have no problem spending it .

[Gloria25]

How am I supposed to take responsibility for another person's actions?

 

Accomplice? Maybe....

 

It's one thing - like in Liam1's case where his OW pursued him until he broke down and did it...In other words, his OW sorta encouraged him to cheat - regardless of how bad his marriage was going at this time.

 

It's another where I went online, saw my FWB's profile where he put his status as "married". In other words, he made up his mind to cheat and if it wasn't with me, it would have been with someone else...NOT my problem and/or responsibility for his actions.

 

Ummm...like Amy Winehouse in one of her songs..., without girls like us, guys would have to go home to their boring and sexless, terrible marriages? Maybe...but still, at the end of the day, people are responsible for their "own" actions.

 

So, Gloria25 pleads "No Contest"...

[dichotomy]

Plenty of cookies to be had - try not to eat someone else's.

[Gloria25]

How am I supposed to take responsibility for another person's actions?

 

Accomplice? Maybe....

 

It's one thing - like in Liam1's case where his OW pursued him until he broke down and did it...In other words, his OW sorta encouraged him to cheat - regardless of how bad his marriage was going at this time.

 

It's another where I went online, saw my FWB's profile where he put his status as "married". In other words, he made up his mind to cheat and if it wasn't with me, it would have been with someone else...NOT my problem and/or responsibility for his actions.

 

Ummm...like Amy Winehouse in one of her songs..., without girls like us, guys would have to go home to their boring and sexless, terrible marriages? Maybe...but still, at the end of the day, people are responsible for their "own" actions.

 

So, Gloria25 pleads "No Contest"...

 

And, Gloria25 isn't your average OW. I don't interfere with their marriage. I want him to go home and resume his "husbandly/fatherly" duties. I've been hit on guys who IMO, weren't treating their wives/kids right and I turned them down...actually, I told them to F-off. I'm not trying to wreck anyone's home and/or cause distress.

[kgcolonel]

I agree that it's ultimately the married person responsibility. A single person, or one in an open relationship, has no vested interest the someone else's marriage.

 

Some ppl are oblivious that they are the OM/OW. That said, once they find out, it's not unusual for them to maintain contact. Eventually they MAY cut contact but that usually doesn't happen until they realize the OM/OW is not leaving their spouse. Some wash their hands of the mess and move on while others continue as they were until they get tired of breadcrumbs or get caught.

 

Methodical...I get where you are coming from but I am looking at this from one's own since of what is the "right and ethical thing to do." I would like to think that if I had an interest in another person and that she was interested in me, that once i found out she was involved / exclusively whether by marriage or committed relationship that I'd back off. Not from anything relating to her obligation but as a since of who i am and what I stand for....I am looking for feedback as to what would those who read this do. I am not looking for the "who holds the most responsibility" in this situation. My thinking is that we are who we define ourselves as, and we control that by our actions not by being in a situation where we may be pointing a finger saying, they're worse than me.....

[Gloria25]

Plenty of cookies to be had - try not to eat someone else's.

 

Awww, no cookies for Cookie Monster?

 

You no share cookie?

 

Hey, some guys actually can handle more than one woman...it's called like "stamina" or something like that. Yeeeeeahhhawww!!!

[minimariah]

What are your thoughts?

 

i think it's the most common rationalization -- well, i'm not the one who took the vows...

 

here is the thing - the OW/OM have some kind of relationship with the WS. that being said, their actions are indirectly affecting someone else (the BS) & their relationship... their LIFE (if the WS decides to leave) so to dodge responsibility is silly... at the very least. the OW/OM absolutely have responsibility; the fact that they weren't the one cheating means nothing. you don't have to know the person or make promises to them in order to do them harm.

 

to remove responsibility from the OW/OM means to claim that they had NOTHING to do with the situation which is, of course, insane considering the fact that they were a part of the relationship. can't be a trigger for someone's, divorce, for example... and bear 0 responsibility. that makes no sense.

Edited April 15, 2016 by minimariah

[kgcolonel]

side not to mini....love your by line btw!

[dreamingoftigers]

Methodical...I get where you are coming from but I am looking at this from one's own since of what is the "right and ethical thing to do." I would like to think that if I had an interest in another person and that she was interested in me, that once i found out she was involved / exclusively whether by marriage or committed relationship that I'd back off. Not from anything relating to her obligation but as a since of who i am and what I stand for....I am looking for feedback as to what would those who read this do. I am not looking for the "who holds the most responsibility" in this situation. My thinking is that we are who we define ourselves as, and we control that by our actions not by being in a situation where we may be pointing a finger saying, they're worse than me.....

 

I wouldn't just "back off" I would forward everything to their spouse immediately.

 

I would black every avenue of communication that the bastard would have with me and let him to rot in his own lies. But I would leave a communication channel open to his SO in case she had any further questions whatsoever. Plus I would forward off a list of supports for her to overcome the potential trauma of betrayal.

 

Number One thing I would underline is that I DO NOT WANT an attached man and would have NO interest in hers whatsoever and that I was not "holding out" in case she dumped him. I would completely make it so clear that I wanted nothing to do with him ever, even if he were the last man on Earth.

 

Ugh. I don't understand how OW miss the fact that the guy is MARRIED. That means he doesn't get what MARRIED is supposed to mean. Or he doesn't care. Or he is disordered or "going through something." None of this suggests stable partner or good choice to crawl into bed with.

 

Even if you lack the basic empathy to avoid hurting another person, it's a pretty good indicator that this guy is just collecting vagina or emotional kibbles if he is willing to cheat with whatever sad-sack lame excuse he wants to pull.

[cocorico]

Just read a thread where an individual had sex with another, knowing the other had a BF and attempted to claim that he had no responsibility as "he" wasn't the one cheating.

 

My question is: Where is society today if we all take this same approach of complete self interest? Is this truly where our society is, that one can knowlingly participate in a cheating interaction and truly feel that they have no fault or ownership in any wrong doing?

 

Maybe I am just shocked or maybe I just don't want to believe that our society is as morally void of ethics as this might indicate. Very sad if this is where we are.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Available is as available does. If someone makes themselves available for a relationship, then they're available - whether or not there is a vestigial Marriage certificate hidden in their desk drawer or not.

 

Values differ across and within cultures and societies. Projecting one's own onto others and expecting them to conform to one's own values, without bothering to consider what their values might be, just leads to frustration on both sides. I find eating animals wrong, for many levels, but I accept that not everyone shares my views and I don't try to force my views on others. I live by my values and allow others to live by theirs.

[cocorico]

Plenty of cookies to be had - try not to eat someone else's.

 

if cookies are being offered, especially if they're tasty cookie and you're hungry, you can always burn the calories off on the crosstrainer later.

[Arieswoman]

kgcolonel,

IMO this ;

 

Just read a thread where an individual had sex with another, knowing the other had a BF and attempted to claim that he had no responsibility as "he" wasn't the one cheating.

 

is just a p*$$-poor excuse for bad behaviour.

 

The law says all adults are responsible for their own behaviour (unless they are Sectioned under the Mental Health Act UK, and placed in a Secure Unit).

 

Most rational people know right from wrong, but some make all sorts of excuses for selfish behaviour, which, while not being illegal, could still hurt others.

Some people are past masters at justification/excuses/reasons for bad behaviour and can fool themselves (and others) but only for a while.

 

Morality doesn't just cover actions towards other people. It also covers self-regarding actions—you should do right by other people, of course, but also make sure to do right by yourself.

 

Any single person considering such a course of action should ask themselves "Does having an affair/sex with a committed person deny me the respect and concern I owe myself?" If there are any doubts about this, maybe they should back off and think about it, because no one can lessen their self-respect except except they themselves.

[wmacbride]

I know this won't go over well, but some people who are serial ow or om are moral relativists.

 

To them, any behavior is acceptable, so long as it benefits them and suits their self-centered "ethical" code.. Mind you, they also squawk the loudest should someone dare to do something that's hurtful to them. Asking them to accept responsibility for the harm they do is pointless, because they'll just retort with " it suits my moral code".

 

.

Of course, not all ow or om are like that, but some serial ones, in my estimation, are as I described above, or they are really broken people who try and soothe their sense of self loathing by telling themselves the must be something special if they can turn the head of a married man. Alternatively, they are incredibly angry at some women who hurt them. Mid you, they will never admit to that, but whatever.

 

As for the idea that has been put forth that "in some cultures, infidelity is accepted", that point is completely irrelevant, unless a particular situation is occurring in that culture.

 

As a somewhat extreme analogy, in some cultures, it's acceptable to physically abuse your wife. Does that mean that a person who lives in western society can use that to excuse or rationalize their behavior?