Female personality in dating [guys answer]

[Radu]

Hopefully i made this thread in the right place.

 

This is a question directed mostly at men, i want their input, but by no means should women not answer it, though i suspect it will be a little harder for them to answer it.

 

I've been thinking of my past relationships and how we met, the dynamic at work when first meeting and what made me in the end select 'being with them' out of all other possible outcomes.

I think it's important to give a description of my first real date and kiss; i was 19-20 and she was 22-23, we met in an IRC chatroom. We got along great, at that time few had digital cameras, so we couldn't exchange photos.

We talked for 2-3 weeks online and then we decided on a date.

So we met in the center of the town, and went to see a movie.

Horrible ideea, worst date of my life.

She was taller and bigger than me, i later found out her mom was one of the few women in Moldavia that could work besides men in cutting down trees [lumberjack], she came in blue jeans and a flanel shirt. A man's flanel shirt.

She was 90% blind in one eye, and she started demanding things for her.

We had completely separate values; her mother divorced her dad, she did not have anything nice to say about him, and she thought it was ok for some ppl to rip off other ppl ... she truly believed in the survival of the fittest at a time when i didn't.

Well, it didn't last, 2 weeks later i realised that she lived most of her week in a dorm [over here in a dorm you have multiple ppl living together, and of the same gender], and the dorm was male.

Such a disaster.

 

The next 3 were variations of the same type, the damsel in distress.

What varied was how outspoken they were, how secure 'they seemed'.

Turned out the combination of seeing a wounded lady [emotionally], with a somewhat assertive personality and a general distant attitude is what got me hot and bothered.

On my end, they seemed like strong women, and it was charming.

Off-course, another interpretation is that they were standing their ground when negociating the initial relationship in such a way that they would end up on top.

And we all know what generally happens when women have a welcome mat for a guy.

 

My next one was a tomboy. Friend actually, quite a sex kitten to boot.

A bit crazy, but that's what i liked about her.

She even shaved her head once. She was blond with green eyes, slim, and perky ... guys would fawn over her left and right.

We became friends because she was the only girl i could talk to without getting sweaty.

Didn't last long, it was a FWB, but i hope she's doing well. She taught me a lot.

Looking back, maybe i was a willing orbiter for a while with her.

 

My last one, well ... i hate to say this, but she got me thinking about where i was heading.

She put the doubt inside my head.

She was still 'related' in her outwards personality with the 4 above, assertive, knew what she wanted, etc ... but she was insecure deep down, afraid.

But not horribly afraid, she was less afraid than the first 3, and deffinitely more than the last one.

I wasn't right for her than, and she was not also ready for full commitement yet [her career was very important to her].

 

If i were to draw a graph, the first 3 had constantly increasing intensities of relationship [not in a good way], the 4th was a complete 180 as she was very low emotional maintenance, while the 5th was like similar to the first 3.

It's clear that my pendulum went to the extreme in the 3rd, opposite way with the 4th and the 5th was just slightly off.

 

Getting back to the present [i hope you enjoyed the ride offered by the Radu of Christmas Past], i've started seeing the ones who look my first 3, to immediately notice and shut down my crushing on them [the ones i met at school].

I also met another girl, cute, slim [nice ass ], who was very friendly with me, but also with others.

I like that, i've longed for one that is truly friendly and which just wakes up in the morning and thinks 'such a beautifull day' instead of going 'f*ck this life'. Basically one that is not as broken as i am, one that decided to keep her childhood happiness ... a happy yin to my sarcastic, cynic, caustic, self-deprecating yang.

But i figured it all came from her liking me, i did not see her when she dealing with others. And i think there was a difference.

 

I've met 2 others who do seem to fit this bill [met as in observed, talked to them, etc ... i'm still comitted to remaining celibate for a little while longer].

They seem to be happy when dealing with others, regardless of who they are.

There is a smile on their face.

Maybe it's just those days and i got lucky, maybe it's a facade ... i don't know.

I'm just happy i've started to notice these beautifull creatures, instead of horribly morose ppl.

 

--------------------

 

So i'm asking you guys of LS, what type do you go for in dating ?

What type attracts you ?

I'm not talking physical, i'm not interested in the physical description.

 

And ladies of LS, what type are you [honestly pls], and what type is your SO, what type were your ex's.

Pls provide as many details as you can.

 

I'll make it clear one more time, i'm only interested in what you saw in her before you met her [ideally, dealing with others], when you met her, her personality only.

If you wish to provide further information on how that personality in reality turned out to be, fine by me.

[ChessPieceFace]

I am attracted to different types - some aggressive extroverts, some shy & introverted gamer girls. But the common theme is that they aren't interested in me. Girls have liked me and I never liked them. Granted they were almost always short, unattractive and desperate. But I also think I just crave validation or to want what I can't have, and don't have any interest in what I can have. Definitely self-esteem related too - when a girl likes me I instantly assume something is really wrong with her, that she's made a mistake and I'm just waiting for her to wise up and change her mind. And that's almost always the case.

 

Even before I got really bitter, jaded and cynical about everything; when I was younger and things were still new to me, when I had a decent looking body and generally positive outlook on life, I still always blew it due to horrible conversation / awkward silence. I'm just boring to most people, and most people are boring to me. I don't understand how people make small talk all the time. To me it's a horrible chore, especially when talking to the majority of the population who are below my level intellectually and ethically. I could talk endlessly about my selective interests, sure. But general conversation is just a painful exercise. Hardcore introvert here. I guess it's another reason why I would need to focus on a girl who already shares a lot of my interests. Having something to talk about... what a concept.

Edited April 9, 2013 by ChessPieceFace

[Els]

I'm really not sure I can state what 'type' I am, or what 'type' the bf is. Humans tend to be more complex than that, no?

 

I suppose I could say that we're both intellectually-focused introverts. I'm INT/FP and he's a strong INTJ, if that means anything. But it goes way beyond that. I'm a bit of a tomboy in some ways, but I would like to think that I have the heart and empathy of a woman. He is traditionally masculine in some ways (the desire to provide, not wearing emotions on his sleeve), but also believes that logic and rational should rule over hormonal compulsions.

 

Is that the sort of answer you're looking for?

[Radu]

I am attracted to different types - some aggressive extroverts, some shy & introverted gamer girls. But the common theme is that they aren't interested in me. Girls have liked me and I never liked them. Granted they were almost always short, unattractive and desperate. But I also think I just crave validation or to want what I can't have, and don't have any interest in what I can have. Definitely self-esteem related too - when a girl likes me I instantly assume something is really wrong with her, that she's made a mistake and I'm just waiting for her to wise up and change her mind. And that's almost always the case.

If we are told that we can't have something, we will tend to want it, regardless of weather or not we wanted it in the first place.

It's a very powerfull principle, and it is used often, it's a social dare.

'Why sir, this other car is indeed safer, more affordable. I'm quite happy you brought this up, because quite frankly the original car you wanted had too much power, few ppl can control it, and the price is much higher, few ppl can afford it.'

Empathise the underlined words and you got yourself a subconscious dare that looks like i'm agreeing with you.

Some who may read the above [and maybe even listen to it in their mind's voice] may want the car.

 

Even before I got really bitter, jaded and cynical about everything; when I was younger and things were still new to me, when I had a decent looking body and generally positive outlook on life, I still always blew it due to horrible conversation / awkward silence. I'm just boring to most people, and most people are boring to me. I don't understand how people make small talk all the time. To me it's a horrible chore, especially when talking to the majority of the population who are below my level intellectually and ethically. I could talk endlessly about my selective interests, sure. But general conversation is just a painful exercise. Hardcore introvert here. I guess it's another reason why I would need to focus on a girl who already shares a lot of my interests. Having something to talk about... what a concept.

Ppl make small talk most of the time by reason of practice done in their childhoods.

Most follow pop cultures [hence the name pop ... popular], and as such that's the common denominator, the common ground that they find.

For men it's sports, cars and Jessica Biel; for women it's relationships of movie stars, soap operas, Cosmo and Richard Gere [i really can't think of a counterpart of Jessica Biel].

 

You are approaching it from an angle that makes it hard [notice how i did not outright say that you are doing it wrong ?].

What i personally found to work in these situations is to practice an unconditional regard for the other person, doesn't matter what their social or intelligence class is.

Picture yourself on a horse, meeting someone who doesn't have one, and getting off the horse to talk to them.

This also helps neutralise the gender when talking with another one; especially a girl, especially in the summer, with a nice pair of funbags and especially when you have been a celibate for a looooong time [heh, i know exactly how it is ... 2yrs celibate here].

You end up treating ppl the same, weather they are an old woman or a hot guy.

This is a very hard thing to do, i have succeded a few times, but have failed many many many times. It does get easier though with time.

I try to think on my way to meeting them about how fascinating these ppl are, how incredible they are, how every word they tell me increases my knowledge of the world, how i can collect knowledge by hearing them talk, regardless of what they say [accent on the underlined words].

 

Another thing that will help the above is if you practice not contradicting.

Let me break that down, when someone says something that you think is wrong, or about which you have a dissenting opinion, you do not say anything.

You shut up, you let them talk, keep smiling, and only validate those points that you agree with.

Slowly you will 'train' those ppl on the subjects they need to talk to you about.

 

One thing to remember is that everyone likes to talk about what they like to do.

But not everyone wants to hear it.

So become that ear, put open ended questions [google them], and with time improve.

Practice in a mirror your inquisitive face, your inquisitive stance, etc ...

[Radu]

I'm really not sure I can state what 'type' I am, or what 'type' the bf is. Humans tend to be more complex than that, no?

 

I suppose I could say that we're both intellectually-focused introverts. I'm INT/FP and he's a strong INTJ, if that means anything. But it goes way beyond that. I'm a bit of a tomboy in some ways, but I would like to think that I have the heart and empathy of a woman. He is traditionally masculine in some ways (the desire to provide, not wearing emotions on his sleeve), but also believes that logic and rational should rule over hormonal compulsions.

 

Is that the sort of answer you're looking for?

 

There is honestly no wrong answer on this one, and you did provide a lot of information despite only being in 2 relationships and your present one being a very healthy LTR.

 

You did address what type of person he is, and i'm sure that his type of character is one that is not hidden, one that you can only see after the initial rose tinted glasses are off.

[Els]

There is honestly no wrong answer on this one, and you did provide a lot of information despite only being in 2 relationships and your present one being a very healthy LTR.

 

You did address what type of person he is, and i'm sure that his type of character is one that is not hidden, one that you can only see after the initial rose tinted glasses are off.

 

Thanks.

 

Oh, right, you asked about the exes in your OP, too.

 

I've been in 2 relationships prior to this one. Most recent ex was also very intellectually-focused, but less introverted. Quite a casual guy, not interested in commitment or making sacrifices, just wanting to date and have fun in college. A pretty decent guy all around, but not what I was looking for.

 

The first ex was really not my personality type. A testosterone-driven guy fresh out of high school. I can't say too many good things about his personality, but not too many bad things either. He was just the typical 18 year old, I guess.

[ChessPieceFace]

when someone says something that you think is wrong, or about which you have a dissenting opinion, you do not say anything. You shut up, you let them talk, keep smiling, and only validate those points that you agree with.

 

I'm doing it right now.

 

But seriously... most people know certain things I don't, sure. But when I hear them talk about ultra liberalism or ultra conservatism or hardcore atheism or unquestioned religious beliefs any number of other things ... just, ugh. All I can say.

 

One girl I liked showed me her favorite movie. I said it I thought it was pretty good, but a bit pretentious. She didn't know what pretentious meant. Sigh...

[Radu]

I'm doing it right now.

 

But seriously... most people know certain things I don't, sure. But when I hear them talk about ultra liberalism or ultra conservatism or hardcore atheism or unquestioned religious beliefs any number of other things ... just, ugh. All I can say.

 

One girl I liked showed me her favorite movie. I said it I thought it was pretty good, but a bit pretentious. She didn't know what pretentious meant. Sigh...

 

That was a fantastic opportunity to get off the horse so to speak.

You could have said 'well, i think they put too much emphasis on xxx'.

 

I do agree with you though on politics, i have a hard time getting to have good relationships with ppl from a specific party and most of the ppl in my future line of work are from the one party i most dislike.

[will1988]

Personally I do not have a type... being of a heavier build and all, if an attractive girl is into me I really do not care. I know that is shallow, but it is honest. However, that has got me in trouble in the past.

 

Generally the girls I date have had some form of emotional trauma in the past that leaves them insecure, clingy, and maybe a little bit crazy. This is why I date girls that are attractive, and some would say out of my leauge (although for a fat guy I'm not bad looking, I've been offered plus size modeling gigs before for a well known suit company in the US. not my thing though). I tend to see my self as the white knight and come to their rescue, often times trying to better them or change them. Apart of me is kind of attracted to the prospect of changing someone or helping someone, or being that person's white knight.

Yet, the funny thing is, I hate clingyness and I hate insecurities. I am not clingy nor am insecure. However, if I fall in love with someone I take a blindeye to those traits. In a weird way though on one hand I hate it, however, on the other I love it... I love being a girl's obsession. I've got a big ego, what can I say. But there is one thing I love about insecure, mousey, clingy girls... they are 9 times out of 10 very loyal and for me, trustworthy. Loyalty is a big for me. I'd take a girl who is clingy as hell any day of the week becaus she is loyal, over someone who is normal but has a bad track record of cheating etc...

Also the girls I tend to date are very shy, and another ego statement, not as smart as I am. I love smart girls. Simpel women, who are kind, honest, beautiful etc... it would be optimal to find a partner who is as smart as I am. However, there are always trade offs.

 

If you had to say what my ultimate girl would be like

 

She would be attractive

She would be smart

She would be loyal to a fault

She would be easy going but out going at the right times

She would not be spoiled and needy

She would be a little bit clingy and obsessive, but allow me to have my guy time once a week.

She would enjoy history as much as I do

She would be kind hearted

 

etc...

[ThaWholigan]

Ever since I was young, I was always attracted to outspoken women myself - not necessarily assertive but definitely with a rough/aggressive streak. As I've gotten older, I've still harbored a liking for that personality type, but I met a girl who sadly I have never dated - she embodied creativity and fire. Very clever too. Back then I thought she was my perfect type. Now I'm not sure it would work but I still think it would.

 

Strangely, the two girls I have slept with are far more easy-going and jovial. One more outgoing than the other and slightly more aggressive. But still, there was a similarity in sexual attitude, demeanor and simplicity of their character that I do like.

[Sivok]

I'm really not sure I can state what 'type' I am, or what 'type' the bf is. Humans tend to be more complex than that, no?

 

I suppose I could say that we're both intellectually-focused introverts. I'm INT/FP and he's a strong INTJ, if that means anything. But it goes way beyond that. I'm a bit of a tomboy in some ways, but I would like to think that I have the heart and empathy of a woman. He is traditionally masculine in some ways (the desire to provide, not wearing emotions on his sleeve), but also believes that logic and rational should rule over hormonal compulsions.

 

Is that the sort of answer you're looking for?

A bit off topic, but I love that personality test. I guess I'm an ENTJ

[Emilia]

But still, there was a similarity in sexual attitude, demeanor and simplicity of their character that I do like.

 

I like straight forward guys. I don't like focusing on 'type' too much because I don't want to narrow my path overtly but openness and a straight forward manner are important. I don't like 'complex' (PC for emotionally unavailable). Whenever a guy describes himself as complicated I start putting my running shoes on.

[ThaWholigan]

I like straight forward guys. I don't like focusing on 'type' too much because I don't want to narrow my path overtly but openness and a straight forward manner are important. I don't like 'complex' (PC for emotionally unavailable). Whenever a guy describes himself as complicated I start putting my running shoes on.

Yeah, I hear that. I think people sometimes identify me as "complex" but I harbor the desire to get to the meat and potatoes of something quickly and it throws people off. So its a quality that I do look for in girls too.

 

Saying that, the girls I have been most attracted to (I.e. Crush) have had a layer of complexity that I found alluring and fascinating - usually a strange combination of character traits, almost contradictory in nature. I guess in my naivety, it appeared as depth to me. A woman with depth of character and spirit is a woman I will love.

[Emilia]

Saying that, the girls I have been most attracted to (I.e. Crush) have had a layer of complexity that I found alluring and fascinating - usually a strange combination of character traits, almost contradictory in nature. I guess in my naivety, it appeared as depth to me. A woman with depth of character and spirit is a woman I will love.

 

Depth of character certainly. What I have seen though is using 'complex' or 'complicated' as a synonym for neurotic.

[crosswordfiend]

I tend to go for the artsy creative types - actresses, artists and designers etc... They are often bookish and shy but I find that once I peel away the layers of defenses, I get a quirky mess of energy and original thinking that is irresistible. Of course, this makes them flighty and prone to emotional unavailability, but that's another story. When it comes down to it, I'm looking for someone with original ideas that isn't afraid to act upon them, and someone who is good at something I'm bad at.

[ThaWholigan]

Depth of character certainly. What I have seen though is using 'complex' or 'complicated' as a synonym for neurotic.

Yes!

 

There is usually a neurotic streak in those who identify as such, sometimes its mild and sporadic. Sometimes they take pride in it too.

Edited April 9, 2013 by ThaWholigan

[MrCastle]

I'm attracted to a wide variety depending on my mood at the time, however the only trend I can spot is that I've never gone for the girl who makes it super easy for me.

 

I always go for the girl who makes me work for everything.

 

The tough cookies; I like them

[miss_jaclynrae]

I'm definitely a happy go lucky extrovert.

 

 

 

 

 

Childess wonder and imagination come easily to me. I am the irrationally positive one in the relationship while the boyfriend is definitely more grounded. I tend to live with the outlook that everything will work out in the end.

 

 

Men seem to be instantly draw to me, I laugh a lot, and generally tend to be the life of the party. The great thing is that I still remain extremely logical when it comes to the important things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My boyfriend loves that I can find joy in simple things, I get excited about adventures, am always down to try anything, and just go with the flow of life. Sure, I have my down moments, and when they hit they hit hard, but ultimately I am an emotional person. Every high has its low.

I've always been a social person, and I tend to feel for everyone, but damn I love being me!

Life through my eyes is definitely wonderous.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I also want to add that I am extremely feminine, I am as girly as they come. A big reason why men fall for me so fast is usually due to my choice in activities.I'm a girly girl but love "guy stuff".

 

 

 

 

I'm a gamer, a sports fanatic, and love to get down and dirty in the great outdoors. I have my nails done, but I would gladly break them to go rock climbing. Life has so much to offer, why limit oneself?

[TheGuard13]

I'm a theatre guy, so I like creative, confident, outgoing and "fun" types who aren't materialistic attention whores. Artists, actresses, models, etc. I look for women who are positive, open-minded and at least moderately intelligent (capable of rational thought), with a good sense of humor (sarcasm is a plus) and a decent amount of energy.

Edited April 9, 2013 by TheGuard13

[Anela]

Depth of character certainly. What I have seen though is using 'complex' or 'complicated' as a synonym for neurotic.

 

When I'm feeling that way, I'm ready to hand someone their running shoes. I miss being more easygoing.

[Emilia]

I miss being more easygoing.

 

I know what you mean but I think there are reasons why we can be less easygoing in some ways as we get more knowledge of ourselves.

[Pyro]

So i'm asking you guys of LS, what type do you go for in dating ?

What type attracts you ?

I'm not talking physical, i'm not interested in the physical description.

 

I'll make it clear one more time, i'm only interested in what you saw in her before you met her [ideally, dealing with others], when you met her, her personality only.

If you wish to provide further information on how that personality in reality turned out to be, fine by me.

 

For starters I've always been into the type who are funny. By funny I mean can dish out the humor and can also take some as well. There is a time to be serious and a time to not be serious and the ones who know that distinction is what I have gone for.

 

Intelligence. Someone who has at the least a basic understanding of what is going on in the world outside of reality TV and People Magazine.

 

Kindness. Someone who treats others with respect as long as they are getting that respect in return.

 

Laid back and easy going. I like to (and try) to live in the present and I do my best to not worry about anything else. I always liked someone who can match up with me on that.

 

Hmmm not exactly sure if this was what you were looking for.

[MrCastle]

I'm a theatre guy, so I like creative, confident, outgoing and "fun" types who aren't materialistic attention whores. Artists, actresses, models, etc. I look for women who are positive, open-minded and at least moderately intelligent (capable of rational thought), with a good sense of humor (sarcasm is a plus) and a decent amount of energy.

 

We are looking for the exact same women it seems. And I have no qualms about killing you where you stand if we were fighting for the same girl

[miss_jaclynrae]

I'm curious with all the responses I am seeing about men who want the opposite of the traits being mentioned. I am seeing a lot of great traits but I also must say that in my personal experience, not many women hold all those traits.

 

 

 

What about the women who are quiet, or not very intelligent, materialist, or not into anything adventurous?

I could see how finding a potential match could be difficult, I feel lucky that I have had no problem dating, or finding men who want to be with me, but it makes me see how if I was quiet, or into expensive things more than important things it would be hard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am in no way tryIng to brag. I am just saying that I s