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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 3rd May 2017, 6:44 PM   #46
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Even if he was to change and be more attentive to you, lose the weight, etc etc, do you think that would make any difference to how you feel?
No, I donít think it would. As I mentioned earlier, itís like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole/relight a flame that was never lit. I donít know why, having known deep down that as much as I care for him my feelings arenít how a partner should love another partner (we have no photos of us up at home, on social media or anything), I let it go on this long. I donít want to keep making excuses but I was brought up in a house where problems were ignored. My father would get drunk and abusive (physically and verbally) and we were to act as if it didnít happen. We never talked or shared. It was a life of sweeping things under the rug. I have been to therapy over how to better express my feelings but it hasnít made much difference. Perhaps I thought ďgoing with the flowĒ was easier than being honest, even though this nagging feeling has been with me from pretty much the beginning.

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My situation has a lot of similarities to yours in the fact I've emotionally'checked out'. I don't honestly think you can make things work once you get into that situation.
Absolutely. But how in the world to explain this?!

Our situations are terrifyingly similar.

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my counsellor thinks a lot of my issues stem from never figuring out who I am and what I want from my life. In some ways I'm quite codependent when it comes to intimate relationships.
Mine has said the same. I was incredibly codependent when it came to intimate relationships. I remember even being as young as 15 years old, crying in bed one night talking about how ďlonelyĒ I was. For me, for many years, the be all and end all of a successful life was having a boyfriend. If you didnít have someone to love you, you were nothing in my eyes. So, whoever paid me attention was who I was with. I was still so young, immature and had this mindset when I met him.

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She thinks I need to get that stuff sorted before I can truly decide whether my marriage can stand a chance. My H is very patient and is also having IC to figure out what he wants. It's a huge learning curve for us both.
So even though youíve emotionally checked out too, youíre working on it? Do you want to make it work?

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Just things I am thinking about which might help you!
I really appreciate it!! It's comforting to hear from those in a similar situation. When I search the internet it's always "He is a wonderful guy! I mean, he did cheat once/gamble/do drugs but all in all a great guy!". My guy hasn't done nor would ever do any of that. He is truly a great person but is he still great for ME? I don't think so.
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Old 3rd May 2017, 7:37 PM   #47
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I also forgot to

Last edited by LostandLonging; 3rd May 2017 at 8:32 PM..
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Old 4th May 2017, 6:28 AM   #48
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It's such a hard situation to be in, isn't it?

I too appreciate what a great guy my H is, but I think he would be so much more compatible with someone else. It seems also unfair to deny him the possible happiness he could have with someone better matched to him.

I don't know what I'll end up doing. H is insistent he wants us to keep trying. I do love him, but I'm not sure it's a romantic love or that it ever has been. Part of me continuing to 'try' is to see for myself whether we can get anything like that. Ultimately I married him and I feel I have a certain amount of responsibility (a duty really) to try everything I can before admitting defeat. And part of trying is for my benefit too - I don't want to walk away and regret in the future and ask myself why I didn't try this or that....

Keep posting! I can't PM you as you are a new member...
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Old 4th May 2017, 7:25 PM   #49
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I do love him, but I'm not sure it's a romantic love or that it ever has been. Part of me continuing to 'try' is to see for myself whether we can get anything like that.
Yeah I know what you mean. I don’t think mine has ever been a romantic love either (oh man it feels good to speak to someone going through this too – just had to throw that in there!). To me it just feels so forced. You shouldn’t have to force something like that. I constantly try to remind myself of all his wonderful traits and how good he’s been to me but still that feeling never comes.

At least you are trying. I know deep down inside that no matter whatwe try I just simply don’t love him like that, so I am taking no action either way. I know how wrong that is.


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Keep posting! I can't PM you as you are a new member...
I certainly will!!! Hopefully we can DM soon (I’m not sure when that time passes?) as I’d love to continue some conversations with you.

Last edited by LostandLonging; 4th May 2017 at 7:27 PM..
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Old 7th May 2017, 4:15 AM   #50
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How are you? Have you made a decision?
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Old 7th May 2017, 7:10 PM   #51
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How are you? Have you made a decision?
A decision? Ha. Iíve been feeling this way for years and still havenít found the cojones to make a decision. How about you? How are you doing?
Aloneuk likes this.
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Old 9th May 2017, 3:15 PM   #52
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I know that feeling!

I think I'm going to move out and have some time to my self to see if that helps clarify things.

I can't continue with this limbo, its making me feel so depressed and unhappy and STUCK.

I hope having some time to myself will give me some much needed clarity in whichever direction. This neither in nor out is so difficult.

How about you?!
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Old 9th May 2017, 4:19 PM   #53
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I have done it all. In 2014 I was absolutely sick to death of doing things on my own. I didnít think it was possible to be in a relationship and feel so lonely. I told myself if we came home from one more day out and he went straight on to that computer to work on his business I was out. I was sitting with my bags packed and told him we needed to talk. I went into therapy. I said a lot has to change. 3 years later, it hasnít. 3 years later I still feel this way. 3 years later the unfulfilled promises remain. 3 years later I still go to bed every night not wanting to touch him. 3 years later I am still giving up my dreams. 3 years later I still feel trapped. Believe me I have ****ing tried despite having no feelings beyond platonic for him, but it all feels so forced.

All this aside, mine is a flame that was never lit. I acknowledge I got into the relationship for the wrong reasons and got too comfortable and take full responsibility for it, but I can't continue like this - for both our sakes.
YOU have already wasted too many of the best years of your life here, time to grasp the nettle.
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Old 9th May 2017, 4:20 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by Aloneuk View Post
I know that feeling!
I think I'm going to move out and have some time to my self to see if that helps clarify things.
I can't continue with this limbo, its making me feel so depressed and unhappy and STUCK.
I hope having some time to myself will give me some much needed clarity in whichever direction. This neither in nor out is so difficult.
How about you?!
Time for you to grasp the nettle too.
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Old 9th May 2017, 4:57 PM   #55
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I just feel of your not happy or fulfilled, you need to come clean and be honest. Your obviously never going to be happy, so the best option is just to come clean
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Old 9th May 2017, 5:30 PM   #56
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Lost,

You are a victim of People Pleasing Syndrome.

Your "decisions" are just those that are least likely to hurt others or rock the boat.

In the meantime you are hurting yourself very much.

I've learned a lot about being self-centered and re-writing marital history through having an affair, so I understand the perspective of the men coming on here and saying that maybe you're not giving your partner a chance. But I honestly think you already know what you need to do...you are just scared to do it.

Staying scared will keep you in the exact same place that you should have gotten out of years ago. You have to stop fearing his reaction. What about your own? Do you not value that? Do you think you can take it better than he can?

You are too busy caretaking him to take care of yourself.

He is a full grown man. He will hurt, yes. But he will hurt more if you don't release him from a relationship where he is not truly loved. Maybe this will get him off his duff too, motivate him to get healthy, and find someone who cares about him the way a partner should.

You feel trapped because you are locking yourself in. You are the only one with the key.
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Old 9th May 2017, 6:58 PM   #57
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Originally Posted by Aloneuk View Post
I think I'm going to move out and have sometime to my self to see if that helps clarify things.

I can't continue with this limbo, its making me feel so depressed and unhappy and STUCK.
Good luck, my friend.

For me it is tough because there IS no limbo. I know what I want. I know what I have to do. I just canít bring myself to do it out of fear and guilt. And because (as much as some people here donít believe it, Iím sure) I care for him so much and the thought of hurting him makes me feel sick, even though I KNOW that by staying and not saying anything, I am doing more damage.

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Lost,

You are a victim of PeoplePleasing Syndrome.

Your "decisions" are just those that are least likely to hurt others or rock the boat.

In the meantime you are hurting yourself very much.

Staying scared will keep you inthe exact same place that you should have gotten out of years ago. You have to stop fearing his reaction. What about your own? Do you not value that? Do you think you can take it better than he can?

He is a full grown man. He will hurt, yes. But he will hurt more if you don't release him from a relationship where he is not truly loved. Maybe this will get him off his duff too, motivate him to get healthy, and find someone who cares about him the way a partner should.

You feel trapped because you arelocking yourself in. You are the only one with the key.
Thank you so much for your respectful and insightful response. You couldnít be more right.

I donít know if I can take it better than he can. Youíre talking to a 37 year old woman who has never been alone and has "gone along" with everything rather than speaking up and having her voice and her wants heard for the past 20 years. Iím terrified.

I was brought up in a home of not rocking the boat and shutting our mouths; ďkeeping the peaceĒ, as my mother would so often remind us. Even to this day as a woman in her 60ís, she still begs us not to tell our father things and to just shut up. My whole family are secret keepers. To be honest I sort of hate them for it, and how it has made me.

Itís very hard to break a habit Iíve had my whole life, even with the help of therapy. I try for a while but then I feel an incredible guilt and end up giving in because itís just easier. Every time I think about having that hard conversation, about selling our home, about hurting him etc I put it off, I make excuses.


One of the toughest things for me to think about is what people will think of me. I know that sounds silly, but not having the support of family and friends is rough. Will they think Iím being foolish? Immature? Too much of a dreamer? What if they do? How do I deal with that?

Last edited by LostandLonging; 9th May 2017 at 8:56 PM..
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Old 10th May 2017, 1:25 AM   #58
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Good luck, my friend.

For me it is tough because there IS no limbo. I know what I want. I know what I have to do. I just canít bring myself to do it out of fear and guilt. And because (as much as some people here donít believe it, Iím sure) I care for him so much and the thought of hurting him makes me feel sick, even though I KNOW that by staying and not saying anything, I am doing more damage.



Thank you so much for your respectful and insightful response. You couldnít be more right.

I donít know if I can take it better than he can. Youíre talking to a 37 year old woman who has never been alone and has "gone along" with everything rather than speaking up and having her voice and her wants heard for the past 20 years. Iím terrified.

I was brought up in a home of not rocking the boat and shutting our mouths; ďkeeping the peaceĒ, as my mother would so often remind us. Even to this day as a woman in her 60ís, she still begs us not to tell our father things and to just shut up. My whole family are secret keepers. To be honest I sort of hate them for it, and how it has made me.

Itís very hard to break a habit Iíve had my whole life, even with the help of therapy. I try for a while but then I feel an incredible guilt and end up giving in because itís just easier. Every time I think about having that hard conversation, about selling our home, about hurting him etc I put it off, I make excuses.


One of the toughest things for me to think about is what people will think of me. I know that sounds silly, but not having the support of family and friends is rough. Will they think Iím being foolish? Immature? Too much of a dreamer? What if they do? How do I deal with that?
Why don't you stay but start having a voice and speaking your truth?

What's wrong with growing as a person within the marriage?
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Old 10th May 2017, 1:50 AM   #59
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Why don't you stay but start having a voice and speaking your truth?
Because my truth is that I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore.

Because my truth is that I don’t want a property.

Because my truth is that I don’t want a car.

Because my truth is that I want to live alone.

Because my truth is that I am not 23 anymore.

Because my truth is that every time I say “I love you” to him, I know I don’t mean it in the way I should.

Because my truth is that I am just going through the motions every day, living in a dream-like state that somehow I took over someone else’s body and this can’t possibly be my life.

Because my truth is that on the very rare occasion we are intimate, I want it to be over as quickly as possible because it feels like I’m ****ing my brother.

Because my truth is that I hate myself for all of this.

Is that a truth you’d want to hear?
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Old 10th May 2017, 6:22 AM   #60
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You don't have to just stomp out in a fit of rage, and run away, you can start to make preparations to leave now.
Get your affairs and finances in order and go to a lawyer to find out your rights.
Make a plan and stick to it.
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