LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

Wanting to leave a good relationship


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Like Tree331Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 24th September 2017, 6:27 PM   #211
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by MidlifeMama View Post
Google the blog from xoJane. I read her article,"I Love My Husband More Than Ever, But We're Getting a Divorce." It touches on some things I think we may both relate to.
Loved it!!!
LostandLonging is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th October 2017, 8:52 AM   #212
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 93
How are you doing Lost?

I am on such a roller coaster!

Some days I want to stay for the comfort of my relationship. So many bad things in the world. Leaving my family seems impossible.

Other days, I want to go, be a different person in the world on my own.

I am having terrible guilt, so I decided to be kind... to try to work on myself in areas that have nothing to do with my husband. Also, looking at what's good and decent in my marriage. IF I do decide to divorce, I want to know that I did all I could. I don't want to walk away with regrets and doubts. The hurt, that can't be helped I have come to that very real reality.

I am going to even try to explore sexual feelings for him again. I tried to remember what brought me to him in the first place. Since it wasn't sexual attraction, I have to dig deep (sad, but the truth) but so many other qualities that made me love him.

I do realize that part of me is not going away. I am also not getting younger and life is going fast. I do think this limbo thing has to stop. I bet you feel the same. Tough decisions ahead. Even staying is a tough decision because the mindset has to change to give it 100% and forget divorce or get out 100%.

Just venting some thoughts and checking in on you.
MidlifeMama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th October 2017, 4:30 AM   #213
Fdb
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 40
I think no matter who we are with, we always have some unique problems. Changing partners will be the solution for all problems.
I always think that people do not have be good at everything, if just one thing he is really good at, still worth to work on the difference.
Why I am divorcing: can not find anything to hold on to anymore. He used to have ok temper, that was only good aspect. With the changing of my work status, he became more demanding, short-tempered and said meaning things to me and deliberately did things to make me feel less worthy. Seems his only value vanished too
Fdb is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th October 2017, 4:45 PM   #214
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by MidlifeMama View Post
How are you doing Lost?
Hey MLM!

Thanks so much for checking in on me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MidlifeMama View Post
I am on such a roller coaster!

Some days I want to stay for the comfort of my relationship. So many bad things in the world. Leaving my family seems impossible.

Other days, I want to go, be a different person in the world on my own
I am sorry to hear that. Iím in the same position as you. The same one Iíve been in for yearsÖ

The nagging feeling that Iím not living life honestly and for myself never goes away, but I force myself to ignore it, smile and just get on with life because some days itís just easier that way. I hate it, but I still cannot muster up the courage to do anything about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MidlifeMama View Post
IF I do decide to divorce, I want to know that I did all I could. I don't want to walk away with regrets and doubts. The hurt, that can't be helped I have come to that very real reality.

Yes, I am coming to see that the hurt canít be avoided.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MidlifeMama View Post
I am going to even try to explore sexual feelings for him again. I tried to remember what brought me to him in the first place. Since it wasn't sexual attraction, I have to dig deep (sad, but the truth) but so many other qualities that made me love him.
If I am being brutally honest, what brought me to my guy is that I was weak and codependent when we met. I would latch on to any man who cared for me and paid me attention, and he just happened to be there. I know that sounds cruel, but when I was 21 I didnít care. I always knew things werenít quite right (sex has ALWAYS felt like a chore, even in the honeymoon period) but stayed out of fear and guilt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MidlifeMama View Post
I am also not getting younger and life is going fast. I do think this limbo thing has to stop. I bet you feel the same. Tough decisions ahead.
Yes, I was thinking about it just this morning in fact. About how I feel like I have blinked and gone from being a fresh faced girl with her life ahead of her to pushing 40 (not that 40 is old at all, but I mean I have spent the best years of my life in this relationship). It wasn't meant to be this way.
LostandLonging is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 1:08 PM   #215
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by LostandLonging View Post
Hey MLM!

Thanks so much for checking in on me.



I am sorry to hear that. Iím in the same position as you. The same one Iíve been in for yearsÖ

The nagging feeling that Iím not living life honestly and for myself never goes away, but I force myself to ignore it, smile and just get on with life because some days itís just easier that way. I hate it, but I still cannot muster up the courage to do anything about it.

Oh yes, yes indeed. I feel the same. It's so hard. Sometimes I look around and see how people just go about life, unhappy, just in limbo like us. I watch couples eat dinner and stare off into space, seemingly nothing left to say to one another. I hear about older couples who have no desire for sex. I hear about younger couples who can't wait to have kids and think that will spark a better relationship. I observe a lot. I hear horror stories of abuse, addiction, and narcissistic behavior. I don't have that in my very safe, but boring relationship. Jumping ship at 50 years old seems to be a very difficult choice to make. Could I make it on my own? Sure. Will I be better off? Who knows. Maybe with some willingness to have bumps and bruises along the way. But I would hope to trust that I'm wiser. Wouldn't settle. Would trust my heart and my mind and be o.k. being alone if I never find another relationship.


Yes, I am coming to see that the hurt canít be avoided.



If I am being brutally honest, what brought me to my guy is that I was weak and codependent when we met. I would latch on to any man who cared for me and paid me attention, and he just happened to be there. I know that sounds cruel, but when I was 21 I didnít care. I always knew things werenít quite right (sex has ALWAYS felt like a chore, even in the honeymoon period) but stayed out of fear and guilt.

Same. I had been at a very young age, in a 7 year relationship that was abusive. I wanted safety and normalcy. I found wonderful qualities in my husband. Still has though. I've changed, he has not. I grew up. Got to know me and my desires and wants. I put those aside to try be a perfect wife and Mother. Now, well, he's ready for the next chapter how it is supposed to be written..grandchildren, growing old together. Of course I want that some day, but at 50? He is already set in his recliner (no kidding) and o.k. with very little sex, and ready to grandparent. I just got the youngest grown. Good Lord.


Yes, I was thinking about it just this morning in fact. About how I feel like I have blinked and gone from being a fresh faced girl with her life ahead of her to pushing 40 (not that 40 is old at all, but I mean I have spent the best years of my life in this relationship). It wasn't meant to be this way.
40 is still young. I know you don't feel that as you've been in this so long, but trust me when I say, this next decade you'll grow even more. There's still time.
MidlifeMama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2017, 10:43 PM   #216
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 90
How are you, MLM? AloneUK do you still check in here?
xx
LostandLonging is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th October 2017, 8:50 AM   #217
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 93
I'm am doing o.k. I had a very serious discussion last night with my husband. We were both walking around with this elephant in the room. I said,"We aren't happy. Not just me, US." He was dreading this conversation.

He hates emotional stuff, hates bringing up serious issues. He even finally admitted if we don't talk about it doesn't exist, issues will go away.

He said he is afraid as 2 years ago I brought up divorce.

I have tried all these years to tell him that just because we have serious discussions doesn't always mean it's over, but it's actually my willingness to want to work on things (Is that out of guilt at this point?) Still, sometimes I think I am beating a dead horse.

He is who he is, I am who I am. The problem is I can't completely admit my wants and desires. I have asked for more communication and have expressed my concerns about our lack of intimacy yet I could never tell him I am avoiding the intimacy because I don't have an attraction to him. So what's the point of wanting more sex when I don't want to actually have it with him?? hmmmm I feel awful about that.

That isn't going to change. That won't change in your situation either Lost.

We see other qualities though that keep us in these relationships.

Someone posted on here in a thread about his sister and husband grew apart. She left for about a year as she didn't feel that connection or attraction. Wanted to explore her life on her own terms. She did that, didn't find what she was looking for. She went back and said,"I just couldn't do that to my best friend." That has stuck with me. So, do we accept our "Room Mate" situations because we are comfortable, scared and worried to hurt them?

My husband in many ways is my best friend. I just wish he was also lover material. Sad, but true. So, like you, I accept what I have been given in him and long for more without any real plan to change it.

I am working on myself and some issues and trying to heal some guilt and past issues and staying put (For now). Space and time seems to stand still, yet is flying by. I do feel deep down I may make the break at some point, just not now, not yet.

Hearing so many things come out of my mouth last night with our discussion, I realized it just isn't about lack of sex or attraction, but other issues I see in our relationship. I also try to balance those issues with what could be out there that I'd have to deal with, with another person. I KNOW my spouse. I know what he is like. He does not disrespect me. He has no addictions. He is kind and simple and a good man. A hard worker and good provider. BUT, he lacks in communication, has a low sex drive and doesn't always seem to accept my bigger personality. I often think back and kick myself and wish I'd followed my gut. He was BEST FRIEND material in so many ways, not a romantic relationship match. I stifled that inner voice in search of comfort and safety. I suspect you did the same Lost! It's o.k., it's what we needed and probably a big part of why we stay!

I hope you find happiness and strength to follow your gut. But, in the mean time, come back for any support you may need.

I also wonder how "Alone" is doing. She was the brave one!
Aloneuk likes this.
MidlifeMama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th October 2017, 1:00 PM   #218
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,319
Mlm...

MLM...

Are we to assume that your guilt is because you have had an affair? Or are still in one.

If not then what?

I understand that there are many considerations to think about, but low sex/no sex is surely one of them.

I really cannot understand living that way.

If you are even remotely thinking about putting some effort in to see if you have the remotest chance of staying together, then you have to be honest.

I mean really honest. So many time the other partner is so afraid to tell the other one about sexual issues, and lack of attraction. I know that it saves short term pain, but it adds to the pain in the long run.

I really think you have to be honest. Maybe he will lose weight or take better care of himself and step up his game if he really understood how close you are to leaving.

Just a thought...
BluesPower is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 13th October 2017, 10:14 AM   #219
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,442
Hi Lostandlonging and Midlifemama, after reading these last few exchanges between you two all I can think of is that adage, "The blind leading the blind". I cannot claim to have a world of experience but if it's one thing I have learnt in life it is that fortune favours the brave. The two of you are going on and on trying to build each other up but are not doing the one thing that will get you results. Take the first step. If divorce seems a monumental first step then ask for a separation for whatever period of time you want and go out into the world and live on your own. Face the challenges that will inevitably come your way. I do not know if you can really date others while separated because legally speaking, you are still married to your husbands, but if you can have a clause inserted into the separation agreement about being free to date, then you can do so guilt free. This process is going to mean that you are going to step on your husband's toes. Both your husbands are going to howl in pain. But if you really want to test the waters then you cannot be constantly dipping your toes and withdrawing them immediately. You will have to plunge in fully and start swimming.

The separation period will give you an indication as to whether you are happy without your husbands or if you actually do miss them. Once you have experienced freedom and have decided one way or the other, you can get back to your current locations and tell your husbands that you are finally ready to divorce them, or that you have decided that you want to be with them till death do you part! You two have been beating about the bush for so long you have stripped the poor bush of all it's foliage. As I said in an earlier post "JUST DO IT". Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th October 2017, 9:55 AM   #220
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 140
Hi

I'm still around, checking in to see how you guys are getting on.

I've just got back from a solo holiday in Europe which did me good. Travel always rejuvinates me and gives me perspective that I sometimes miss at home when stuck in a rut or confused what to do.

I moved into a new place a month ago and have settled in well. Ex helped me move! As you've both mentioned in your posts, my ex is also my best friend. We are still in touch regularly and are on as good terms as we can be.

Some days I wonder if I did the right thing....its not easy to leave a 'satisfactory' marriage and start over. Emotionally or financially. Especially because I get on well with my ex. But I think long term I hope I'll look back and know it was the right thing for both of us....
Aloneuk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th October 2017, 3:53 PM   #221
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 2
Hello to all who've posted their struggles in this thread. I joined actually just because I could relate, although I am a man. Let me share my story and perhaps it will give some insight, but then again, maybe not...

When I was 22 I started seeing a woman also because she was "safe". I knew that she really liked me, and felt she was a good person, so I asked her out even though I wasn't really attracted to her. As it turns out, she was a great person, and we got along amazingly well, however the attraction from my side never grew. I truly loved her. And by love, I mean, I really was invested in her happiness and well being. And on top of that, because she was so crazy about me, I could just genuinely be who I was without fear of judgment!! And I trusted her completely...

Sex however, was a different story. She wasn't even close to being my type. And after the initial newness, sex became difficult, and then non-existent. We did not have sex for the last three years of our relationship, due mainly to my lack of attraction. She would initiate here and there, but I was not interested. I imagine this did a number on her self-esteem, but that being said, we were still affectionate physically, so I suspect we felt it was good enough.

Until it wasn't. At approximately the five year mark, I knew I wanted more. Even though the relationship on literally every other aspect was great, the lack of attraction and sex (or more precisely interest in sex) was not enough. It took a year of back and forth thoughts before I ended it with her. And it was not pretty.

She was devastated. And she fell into a deep, dark place, and did some things she would later regret. She sought counselling and slowly came out of that place. About six months after the break up she was traveling on her own and exploring dating. By the one year mark she had move to another city, enrolled in a Masters program and was well on her way to fulfilling her true potential.

As for me, I started dating a woman I was extremely attracted to shortly after the break up. The sexual chemistry was palpable and the actual sex was amazing. I remember a particular day where we had sex five times, in multiple locations, at times licking food off each other and it was complete ecstasy...

The problem was, besides the sex and attraction, the relationship was horrible. We were not friends. I did not trust her and had my first real bouts of jealousy and insecurity. It was a terrible relationship that I was sometimes distracted from by the great sex. It lasted about 1.5 years off and on.

And then I dated....and what I was looking for was simple...the best friend, trusting nature of my first relationship, but with that sexual passion of my second relationship. And I dated.. and I dated.. and I dated..

Now...14 years and multiple sessions in therapy, I'm finally in a relationship that has elements of both those relationships. Great sex and a great friendship. Not as intense on either side, but still, a very, very good foundation for building a long term relationships. The lessons I learned though were this:

1. Happiness does not come from a relationship. It comes from within.
2. Nobody was put on the planet to fulfill my needs / wants. Except me.
3. Compromise, compromise, compromise!! It doesn't mean you've "lost"...
4. My partner is just trying to be happy as well, and their happiness is just as important as mine.


And the final things I can tell you beyond a doubt...looking back...the "best friend" sexless relationship was infinitely more healthy and satisfying than the roller coaster, sexually charged relationship. No contest. Sex is easy. Finding a true mental connection is not.
ExplodingKitten is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th October 2017, 3:25 AM   #222
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,442
Hi Exploding kitten, that was a beautiful post from you. In fact it should be a sticky for all those like Midlifemama, Lostandlonging and others who are going through a crisis of their own. What you have highlighted, especially your takeaways are like universal truths. I think one of the greatest truths of life can be stated as "You win some you lose some". I think the folks of yore summed it the best when they coined the adage " A bird in hand is worth two in the bush".

In any case I think you eventually came out a winner because you took that first step. Wish you the very best.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th October 2017, 1:32 PM   #223
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExplodingKitten View Post
Hello to all who've posted their struggles in this thread. I joined actually just because I could relate, although I am a man. Let me share my story and perhaps it will give some insight, but then again, maybe not...

When I was 22 I started seeing a woman also because she was "safe". I knew that she really liked me, and felt she was a good person, so I asked her out even though I wasn't really attracted to her. As it turns out, she was a great person, and we got along amazingly well, however the attraction from my side never grew. I truly loved her. And by love, I mean, I really was invested in her happiness and well being. And on top of that, because she was so crazy about me, I could just genuinely be who I was without fear of judgment!! And I trusted her completely...

Sex however, was a different story. She wasn't even close to being my type. And after the initial newness, sex became difficult, and then non-existent. We did not have sex for the last three years of our relationship, due mainly to my lack of attraction. She would initiate here and there, but I was not interested. I imagine this did a number on her self-esteem, but that being said, we were still affectionate physically, so I suspect we felt it was good enough.

Until it wasn't. At approximately the five year mark, I knew I wanted more. Even though the relationship on literally every other aspect was great, the lack of attraction and sex (or more precisely interest in sex) was not enough. It took a year of back and forth thoughts before I ended it with her. And it was not pretty.

She was devastated. And she fell into a deep, dark place, and did some things she would later regret. She sought counselling and slowly came out of that place. About six months after the break up she was traveling on her own and exploring dating. By the one year mark she had move to another city, enrolled in a Masters program and was well on her way to fulfilling her true potential.

As for me, I started dating a woman I was extremely attracted to shortly after the break up. The sexual chemistry was palpable and the actual sex was amazing. I remember a particular day where we had sex five times, in multiple locations, at times licking food off each other and it was complete ecstasy...

The problem was, besides the sex and attraction, the relationship was horrible. We were not friends. I did not trust her and had my first real bouts of jealousy and insecurity. It was a terrible relationship that I was sometimes distracted from by the great sex. It lasted about 1.5 years off and on.

And then I dated....and what I was looking for was simple...the best friend, trusting nature of my first relationship, but with that sexual passion of my second relationship. And I dated.. and I dated.. and I dated..

Now...14 years and multiple sessions in therapy, I'm finally in a relationship that has elements of both those relationships. Great sex and a great friendship. Not as intense on either side, but still, a very, very good foundation for building a long term relationships. The lessons I learned though were this:

1. Happiness does not come from a relationship. It comes from within.
2. Nobody was put on the planet to fulfill my needs / wants. Except me.
3. Compromise, compromise, compromise!! It doesn't mean you've "lost"...
4. My partner is just trying to be happy as well, and their happiness is just as important as mine.


And the final things I can tell you beyond a doubt...looking back...the "best friend" sexless relationship was infinitely more healthy and satisfying than the roller coaster, sexually charged relationship. No contest. Sex is easy. Finding a true mental connection is not.
Exactly what I fear...

Wow, thank you for sharing such a personal and intimate look at this from the other side, both a male point of view and having left the safe relationship!
MidlifeMama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th October 2017, 1:34 PM   #224
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 93
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aloneuk View Post
Hi

I'm still around, checking in to see how you guys are getting on.

I've just got back from a solo holiday in Europe which did me good. Travel always rejuvinates me and gives me perspective that I sometimes miss at home when stuck in a rut or confused what to do.

I moved into a new place a month ago and have settled in well. Ex helped me move! As you've both mentioned in your posts, my ex is also my best friend. We are still in touch regularly and are on as good terms as we can be.

Some days I wonder if I did the right thing....its not easy to leave a 'satisfactory' marriage and start over. Emotionally or financially. Especially because I get on well with my ex. But I think long term I hope I'll look back and know it was the right thing for both of us....
Thank you for checking in and sharing! I hope your journey continues to be fulfilling. So glad you two still get along well !
MidlifeMama is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th October 2017, 2:45 PM   #225
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,442
Hi Alone, how would you feel if your ex found someone new to settle down with? Your current relationship would have to end necessarily as I am sure his new partner would look on your friendship with her husband with disfavour. The same thing would happen in reverse order if you were to remarry. Also how do you wipe out the emotional bond which still exists? I sincerely hope for your sake that things work out smoothly as time passes. Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How to tell the difference: wanting sex or wanting relationship ZA Dater Dating 77 22nd August 2015 1:59 PM
Wanting a guy with both a good career & good looks considered having high standards? NJ123 General Relationship Discussion 236 19th November 2014 6:51 PM
Afraid to leave bad relationship with good father lmyya Separation and Divorce 20 7th April 2014 12:56 PM
Pregnant and wanting to leave.. littlefoot Separation and Divorce 13 5th February 2011 6:23 PM
Relationship Rescue or Too Good to Leave....... Haunani Separation and Divorce 5 28th October 2004 10:18 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:13 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.