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Huge dilemma on whether to try it again [Updated]


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 24th January 2018, 5:25 PM   #61
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I am going to therapy to work through this and I know I am not in the best frame of mind at this point. I just am trying to make sense of what and why all of this happened, and how. And yes, I questioned myself a lot and wondered what I did so wrong for things to spiral as they did. But I do try to tell myself it isn't all my fault and what happened to me was unacceptable.
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Old 25th January 2018, 2:45 AM   #62
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If she has been properly diagnosed now as borderline, have you found a therapist for yourself who specializes in personality disorders? Having someone very experienced in helping people recovering from being hurt by a loved one's disorder can be much more helpful faster than a general therapist who doesn't usually work with personality disorders at all.
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Old 25th January 2018, 11:31 AM   #63
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If she has been properly diagnosed now as borderline, have you found a therapist for yourself who specializes in personality disorders? Having someone very experienced in helping people recovering from being hurt by a loved one's disorder can be much more helpful faster than a general therapist who doesn't usually work with personality disorders at all.


No, I am unsure if who I am seeing specializes in that, but I will do more research on it. Whether she was properly diagnosed, I have no idea. I am going off what she told me, but she has changed her stories so often who knows what is true. From what she said, she has borderline disorder and she was going to start a "special kind of therapy" to deal with it. This was a text from a few weeks ago.


From what I read about borderline disorder, it does sound a lot like what she did and my experience with her. I think right now I am just suffering from the aftermath now, wondering if I did something wrong and if I could have done things differently to fix our issues. I am just going through the stages of loss now I guess, as prior to this I was just so afraid of what would happen to me. Now that she is silent, I can finally have peace to heal and try to rebuild myself.
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Old 25th January 2018, 3:45 PM   #64
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I think it's likely that she is either borderline or bipolar, so I'm glad you're both getting some help to cope now. More specifically, that YOU are moving forward to heal and now have some space to do so. It won't be easy, but you're taking some great first steps!
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Old 25th January 2018, 3:52 PM   #65
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I think it's likely that she is either borderline or bipolar, so I'm glad you're both getting some help to cope now. More specifically, that YOU are moving forward to heal and now have some space to do so. It won't be easy, but you're taking some great first steps!


My therapist does have experience with that type of personality disorder, so I will work on coping with her actions next session I have.


I really do not know what she is doing, but I do hope she is seeking help as well and taking it seriously. I think she is borderline based on what I have read on the matter. The behaviors match almost entirely with what she exhibited while we were together.
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Old 6th February 2018, 10:17 AM   #66
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Heard from her for the first time in 3 weeks last night. She told me she was dating someone else and trying to move on, but didn't feel any happiness with the new person nor excitement and she'd never get over me. She said she knew I didn't want to be with her and wouldn't try to convince me to get back together, so she had no choice but to date someone else. She keeps begging to talk so we can stop hating each other and so she can stop living with the burden of what she did.


I just see no reason to talk to her. I'd only be helping her heal. I just hate it is like it is.
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Old 6th February 2018, 11:07 AM   #67
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Heard from her for the first time in 3 weeks last night. She told me she was dating someone else and trying to move on, but didn't feel any happiness with the new person nor excitement and she'd never get over me. She said she knew I didn't want to be with her and wouldn't try to convince me to get back together, so she had no choice but to date someone else. She keeps begging to talk so we can stop hating each other and so she can stop living with the burden of what she did.


I just see no reason to talk to her. I'd only be helping her heal. I just hate it is like it is.
Keep ignoring and keep moving on. It's a manipulation tactic -- that's all it is. She's going to try different ways to tug at your emotions and for you to cave so that she can regain control.

Instead of hating all of this, you should be looking at this as a blessing and how much of a bullet you dodged. Find gratefulness in that. Start focusing on the good that is ahead of you and start grasping the fact that her behavior stems from her own dysfunction and that there is nothing you can do about it.
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Old 6th February 2018, 12:55 PM   #68
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Keep ignoring and keep moving on. It's a manipulation tactic -- that's all it is. She's going to try different ways to tug at your emotions and for you to cave so that she can regain control.

Instead of hating all of this, you should be looking at this as a blessing and how much of a bullet you dodged. Find gratefulness in that. Start focusing on the good that is ahead of you and start grasping the fact that her behavior stems from her own dysfunction and that there is nothing you can do about it.


I am definitely thankful that all of this happened before we were anymore serious, like living together or married. I can't imagine my life is she were doing this in a situation like that.


But I know it's manipulation tactic, and it also tells me she isn't taking her own health seriously. Dating someone now is the last thing she needs, especially if she's telling me how she feels nothing for them and will never get over me. I feel bad for the guy who's putting an effort into seeing her, if he's even real.


But that's really not my concern. I will not get anything out of a conversation with her - it won't make me feel any better nor will it help me move on. All it will do is lift the guilt off of her and make her feel better about all the horrible things she did to me. I won't be helping her through that. I don't see a scenario where we will ever be "ok" with each other, and I don't have to speak to her if I see her in public.
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Old 7th February 2018, 1:06 PM   #69
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Found out last night through the former girl friend of mine who my ex wouldn't allow me to be around that my ex had made out with a random guy at a bar a night they were out without me about a year ago when we had been together for about 5 months. They had both gone back to a guy's place to hang out.


Now EVERYTHING makes complete sense - why she didn't want me around my friend, why she was nervous about me being with her when she wasn't around and why she accused me constantly of talking to exes and seeing them. Karma and the truth comes out eventually.
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Old Yesterday, 3:03 PM   #70
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Well, I fell off the wagon Saturday night and feel like everything has reset. This week has been particularly hard for me - valentines day thrown in my face all weekend, then I had to attend two social events where I was one of the few without a date.

On Saturday, she had sent me a message asking to talk again and telling me she was dating someone and not to worry, she wouldn't try to get me back. After a few drinks, I ended up responding, telling her to stop contacting me, and that I was happy she found someone else.

She then went on a long diatribe about how she only went out with him because she thought I'd never speak to her again, and that she wants to sit down and talk, and that we are meant to be together and we just have to get back together and friends and family will fall into place. She asked to come over that night and see me, but I said no.

It was dumb for me to do that and I feel like an idiot. Now she's back to texting me daily, telling me she loves me and she'll never move on because we are soulmates. I responded by telling her it was a mistake for me to respond and to leave me alone, but she keeps pushing to sit down and talk.

I was really making progress in January, but it all started to get worse when she resurfaced in February to push me to see her and talk.
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Old Yesterday, 3:23 PM   #71
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All you can do is take this as a lesson and keep moving forward. No point in beating yourself up.

I think no matter how much she wants to talk, that should not shake your resolve — if you truly want nothing to do with her and accept that she’s not someone you deserve or want.
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Old Today, 12:06 PM   #72
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All you can do is take this as a lesson and keep moving forward. No point in beating yourself up.

I think no matter how much she wants to talk, that should not shake your resolve — if you truly want nothing to do with her and accept that she’s not someone you deserve or want.


I just cannot shake her. She's now telling me she's stopped talking to the new guy she's been seeing despite me telling her to continue seeing him if he makes her happy.


I'm just terrified she'll go off again and start threatening me, and my communication with her has hurt my chances at getting a restraining order, but who knows.
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