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Huge dilemma on whether to try it again [Updated]


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 30th October 2017, 2:22 PM   #16
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The fact that she put an ultimatum on you about trying again is already a red flag. Someone that is self-aware and is reflective isn't going to do that but understand that change takes time and effort. Two months in is too soon. The fact that she is resistant to anything but getting her way is another sign to you that nothing much has changed.

I think that some people need to hit their absolute rock bottom to learn the lesson, the very hard way. And maybe you need that to finally come to some form of acceptance.

The fact that you claimed to have difficulty being alone is another reason why this at some point will fail again because both of you are functioning on dysfunction.

Your family and friends will see you fall and rise. I'm sure they'll accept your choices but that doesn't mean that they have to participate in your relationship. They may not like it and they may find it very difficult to see you self-destruct but most times they'll love you unconditionally and be there when you need them.
From those I have spoke to, the reaction has been mixed. They have all said they'd support me, but a few said they see it as a terrible decision to try it again - and that it would be a ticking time bomb until things exploded again. Others have said that if she's doing better they think it will be ok.


My biggest issue is timing. I felt I needed more time, as do others, and she's wanting to pick up where we left off and go full steam ahead like nothing happened. She still wants to move in with me in March, which I think about be a terrible decision.


Deep down, and I know I have said this, I think this relationship has to end for her to get better or nothing will change. That doesn't mean I don't love and care for her, but I don't think she will be able to make the necessary changes until she's alone and forced to do it. She's still making demands of me, still gets upset if I do things when she's not around. Three times last week she exhibited this behavior like she used to do. The only difference was I kept my calm and didn't let her escalate it.
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Old 30th October 2017, 2:36 PM   #17
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My biggest issue is timing. I felt I needed more time, as do others, and she's wanting to pick up where we left off and go full steam ahead like nothing happened. She still wants to move in with me in March, which I think about be a terrible decision.

Deep down, and I know I have said this, I think this relationship has to end for her to get better or nothing will change. That doesn't mean I don't love and care for her, but I don't think she will be able to make the necessary changes until she's alone and forced to do it. She's still making demands of me, still gets upset if I do things when she's not around. Three times last week she exhibited this behavior like she used to do. The only difference was I kept my calm and didn't let her escalate it.
So really, nothing has changed, except that you accepted and enabled more bad behavior.

I think you are where you are and your inability to let go isn't because of this woman but because of your own demons. It was very apparent in your opening statement.

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I am just too weak to make any progress at all
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I will admit part of me is actually afraid of being alone.
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Last edited by Zahara; 30th October 2017 at 3:10 PM..
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Old 30th October 2017, 4:22 PM   #18
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So really, nothing has changed, except that you accepted and enabled more bad behavior.

I think you are where you are and your inability to let go isn't because of this woman but because of your own demons. It was very apparent in your opening statement.
You're right. God knows I have demons in my life. I think it's obvious she won't change without extended time apart without any contact, and a clean break is what is needed. Otherwise, she will continue to lean on me for everything and I will keep enabling her behavior. Before I know it, I will be living with her, unhappy, doing whatever she asks of me on her schedule regardless of whether it makes me happy or not. That isn't a life I want to live.


Her inability to exist or do anything outside of me is a deal breaker and has drained me of any sort of emotion I can muster anymore. Even today, after I devoted last night to her, she's pitching a fit that I don't want to exercise after a 9 hour work day today. That will be my life if I keep going with this, every day, until I just stop caring and become a zombie following her every wish and need.

Last edited by tarheelian; 30th October 2017 at 4:24 PM..
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Old 30th October 2017, 4:31 PM   #19
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You're right. God knows I have demons in my life. I think it's obvious she won't change without extended time apart without any contact, and a clean break is what is needed. Otherwise, she will continue to lean on me for everything and I will keep enabling her behavior. Before I know it, I will be living with her, unhappy, doing whatever she asks of me on her schedule regardless of whether it makes me happy or not. That isn't a life I want to live.


Her inability to exist or do anything outside of me is a deal breaker and has drained me of any sort of emotion I can muster anymore. Even today, after I devoted last night to her, she's pitching a fit that I don't want to exercise after a 9 hour work day today. That will be my life if I keep going with this, every day, until I just stop caring and become a zombie following her every wish and need.
Tar, these are all sorts of red flags. It is evident that nothing has changed and I can see why your family and friends feel the way they do. She sounds incredibly controlling, needy and insecure. She may be seeing a therapist but even with time and distance, there is no guarantee that change will happen. It seems that she is likely only doing this because she's hoping you'll be with her.

If anything, you should be focusing on why you are in a mindset that tolerates this sort of treatment.
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Old 30th October 2017, 5:06 PM   #20
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Tar, these are all sorts of red flags. It is evident that nothing has changed and I can see why your family and friends feel the way they do. She sounds incredibly controlling, needy and insecure. She may be seeing a therapist but even with time and distance, there is no guarantee that change will happen. It seems that she is likely only doing this because she's hoping you'll be with her.

If anything, you should be focusing on why you are in a mindset that tolerates this sort of treatment.
I tolerate too much and probably have my entire life. I've been leaned on by my family since I was 10 years old and never really got to live a childhood that was normal. I've sought therapy many times in the past but keep falling back into the same habits and I seem to attract the same kind of girls.
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Old 1st November 2017, 7:50 AM   #21
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I ended things last night with her and now sheís in the hospital for a suicide attempt!!! And wants me to come visit her. Her mother is now mad I didnít do anything to stop her. Sheís threatened suicide before but was always bluffing.

What on earth do I do?
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Old 1st November 2017, 9:39 AM   #22
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I ended things last night with her and now she’s in the hospital for a suicide attempt!!! And wants me to come visit her. Her mother is now mad I didn’t do anything to stop her. She’s threatened suicide before but was always bluffing.

What on earth do I do?
She has her family and friends to support her. You need to block her and move in with your life. Once and for all.

Stop feeling responsible for her. You need to start focusing on your own recovery.

The fact that she has used suicide as a manipulation tool several times before speaks of her emotional and mental state. I'm sorry she attempted this time and that you were not there to help her but you cannot take responsibility for her actions.
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Old 1st November 2017, 10:12 AM   #23
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She has her family and friends to support her. You need to block her and move in with your life. Once and for all.

Stop feeling responsible for her. You need to start focusing on your own recovery.

The fact that she has used suicide as a manipulation tool several times before speaks of her emotional and mental state. I'm sorry she attempted this time and that you were not there to help her but you cannot take responsibility for her actions.
She has threAtened before and said sheíd stop if I came over to stay with her. Sheís done this before and Iíve called the police and she was bluffing so I didnít this time.

She says the hospital too all her things and she canít call her family and wants me to come visit. I feel like itís a bad idea.
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Old 1st November 2017, 10:36 AM   #24
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She has threAtened before and said she’d stop if I came over to stay with her. She’s done this before and I’ve called the police and she was bluffing so I didn’t this time.

She says the hospital too all her things and she can’t call her family and wants me to come visit. I feel like it’s a bad idea.
The hospital taking her things is none of your concern. It's a ploy to get you there. Her mother knows of her condition so I am sure she has family and friends that are surrounding her right now providing comfort and care.

She's manipulative. Period. If she is in the hospital, they are likely monitoring her and keeping her safe. Her family and friends will be her support system. You need to exit and move on and focus on your own recovery.

You need to block her. I am not sure how else to advise you since you resist ceasing communicating with her.

It would be in your best interest to seek professional help as well. And don't do it as a temporary/short term measure because you're suffering a break up but use it as an means to help you journey into rebuilding your self-esteem.
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Last edited by Zahara; 1st November 2017 at 10:40 AM..
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Old 1st November 2017, 10:54 AM   #25
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I know. Her family isnít from this town and her friends arenít aware. She keeps telling me she canít call her mother because the hospital phone wonít make long distance calls and needs me to visit.

Youíre right. I need to block her. Her mother is now angry I didnít help her but I cannot make that choice to save her. I wasnít going to go sleep with her while she was overdosing on pills. If she had died, Iíd become a murder suspect. No way.
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Old 1st November 2017, 11:03 AM   #26
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I know. Her family isn’t from this town and her friends aren’t aware. She keeps telling me she can’t call her mother because the hospital phone won’t make long distance calls and needs me to visit.

You’re right. I need to block her. Her mother is now angry I didn’t help her but I cannot make that choice to save her. I wasn’t going to go sleep with her while she was overdosing on pills. If she had died, I’d become a murder suspect. No way.
But her mother already knows that she is in the hospital so her family is aware of her condition and it is now their responsibility to care for her. They will have to take the necessary steps to get her on the right track. At some point her friends will find out and her circle will widen.

Her mother is in turmoil and is reacting so don't let that affect you. I'm sure she was well aware of her child's mental/emotional state way before all this happened. If anything this will push them to get her the help she needs.

Yes, block her -- permanently. No social media. If there are unknown calls coming to your phone, ignore it. Block on email.

Start your healing.
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Old 1st November 2017, 11:53 AM   #27
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But her mother already knows that she is in the hospital so her family is aware of her condition and it is now their responsibility to care for her. They will have to take the necessary steps to get her on the right track. At some point her friends will find out and her circle will widen.

Her mother is in turmoil and is reacting so don't let that affect you. I'm sure she was well aware of her child's mental/emotional state way before all this happened. If anything this will push them to get her the help she needs.

Yes, block her -- permanently. No social media. If there are unknown calls coming to your phone, ignore it. Block on email.

Start your healing.

Her mom does now, yes. She's now using different hospital phones calling me asking for me to come see her during visitor hours, saying she doesn't want her mom there and is going to block her from seeing her, and that all she needs to see is me.


I'm angry that she's done this and spent last night sending me pictures and telling me she was OD'ing and blaming it on me on social media. She also sent me a picture of the suicide letter she wrote me. At this point I am worn out and emotionally fragile and have no idea what to do. I may need to consider a restraining order because I don't think she will go quietly.


The point is, SHE has to stand on her own and not lean on me or she'll never get better. If I go see her or even talk to her, I am enabling her behavior and she'll just do it again despite her claims this won't happen again. I'm now losing patience and am not wanting to be nice because she's hurting me more than she knows by these actions

Last edited by tarheelian; 1st November 2017 at 11:58 AM..
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Old 1st November 2017, 2:26 PM   #28
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I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please find a therapist to talk to to help you know your options for handling this situation. It is very serious and probably will serve you well to have experts on your side who are more than just Internet strangers.

What the other posters have said here is right: threatening suicide in the way in which she's done to you in the past is some of the most manipulative behavior someone can engage in. Her following through this time is NOT ABOUT YOU and is NOT YOUR FAULT. I know you want her to be helped, but you're not the person to do it. She has very serious problems that existed before you met, and she needs professional attention.

However, her actions obviously are going to have an impact on you, as you're human and care for her, plus you're going to have to manage her smearing you publicly and blaming you for something which, I repeat, ISN'T YOUR FAULT. That's why I think the nicest thing you can do for yourself, besides cutting contact, is finding a professional to help you deal with it.
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Old 1st November 2017, 2:40 PM   #29
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I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please find a therapist to talk to to help you know your options for handling this situation. It is very serious and probably will serve you well to have experts on your side who are more than just Internet strangers.

What the other posters have said here is right: threatening suicide in the way in which she's done to you in the past is some of the most manipulative behavior someone can engage in. Her following through this time is NOT ABOUT YOU and is NOT YOUR FAULT. I know you want her to be helped, but you're not the person to do it. She has very serious problems that existed before you met, and she needs professional attention.

However, her actions obviously are going to have an impact on you, as you're human and care for her, plus you're going to have to manage her smearing you publicly and blaming you for something which, I repeat, ISN'T YOUR FAULT. That's why I think the nicest thing you can do for yourself, besides cutting contact, is finding a professional to help you deal with it.
She's been calling me all day from the hospital during talking hours leaving me crying voicemails begging me to answer and come help her. This is just the most gut wrenching thing I can deal with, and she still thinks we are together and I'm not leaving her.


I plan to ignore her phone calls tonight. Her mother needs to come support her, not me. Using suicide to manipulate me is totally uncalled for. I understand she's upset over my family's reaction to her, but that's NO excuse for what she has done. I feel so cold and heartless by ignoring her when she's like this, but I know I'm doing more harm than good by talking to her.
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Old 1st November 2017, 2:44 PM   #30
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You're not cold and heartless. You can't help her right now and you're respecting yourself and your own boundaries. I hope you look into speaking to a professional about this, it's going to be rough.
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