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Can a narcissist change?


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Old 13th August 2005, 10:32 PM   #1
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Can a narcissist change?

Just wondering if a narcissist guy can change.
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Old 13th August 2005, 10:42 PM   #2
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No. Unfortunately they can't. Sadly, you are the one who has to do the changing and accepting if you are living with or having a relationship with an N.

Do a google on it and see what comes up. There is a good website that explains everything about them.

Keep posting though, I'm sure whatever your situation is, it isn't an easy one.

I know an N, my friend's husband...He's just a piece of work and they've had some pretty rough times.

Good luck.
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Old 13th August 2005, 11:27 PM   #3
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Re: Can a narcissist change?

Quote:
Originally posted by SweetJulia
Just wondering if a narcissist guy can change.
Only if he wants to, and puts some solid time and effort into getting the help he needs to learn to change the way he treats others.
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Take what is handed to you, and hand it back twice...
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Old 13th August 2005, 11:36 PM   #4
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They never basically change. Attempting to have a relationship with a narcissist can be a nightmare. You can never be right unless you are serving their needs and imposing no burdens on them. They take responsiblity for nothing. The give as little as possible and attempt to extract the maximum from you. They are emotionally unavailable for the most part, with an agenda if they decide to fake same. They have no ability to empathize. They are incredible actors with little understanding of the script.

If any person reading this is in a relationship with a narcissist, get out of it. It's a lost cause. I don't care how attractive the person is or what you think you are getting out of it you will be sorry in the long run because you will be a loser.

The ONLY person who can remain in a relationship with a narcissist is one with ZERO self esteem who is willing to give up his or her entire life to be humble and obedient host of the other. It just won't work.
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Old 14th August 2005, 1:24 AM   #5
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thanks for all your responses.

I am glad I am out of relationiship with a narcissist.
i can say it was a true nightmare.
i didn't know what was real and unreal, right or wrong anymore.
I almost committed suicide.

I gave all I had for this guy but got nothing in return, just heartache.
I'm a wreck.

he was pathological liar and cheater and I am/was too naive and gullable.

I have almost no self-esteem left but I don't think I will give up on life now.
i'm a very sensitive person and i find it hard all the cruel things he did to me.

I left him many times but he always manipulated his way back in my life.
I consider myself quite intelligent, I just don't understand how I could be fooled like that.
I guess i was addicted to him, and i was dependant.

he tried to contact me again 2 months ago and I told him to "stay the f**ck out of my life"
i don't usually talk like that but i knew i could not handle another round of craziness.

it is true what you say, the host thing, it is exactly that.

i am pretty bitter with relationships though.
this man had no heart and he broke mine forever.

i was just wandering if he would change in future, if with some other girlfriend, he would change or if he would always be evil.
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Old 14th August 2005, 9:41 AM   #6
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Has he been diagnosed as having a narcissistic disorder? I understand that it's a very difficult condition to treat effectively - especially as the individual's grandiose view of their own intelligence can make them inclined to treat therapy sessions as an intellectual wrestling match rather than as a possible means to self-improvement. Any on-line stuff I've read about this talks a lot about narcissistic supply sources - ie the people narcissists get involved with. I think it would be difficult to be a long term supply source to a full-blown narcissist and not emerge with a few emotional scars.

I've been in a relationship with someone who displayed a lot of narcissistic tendencies. He was never diagnosed, to my knowledge, but a friend who works in the psychiatric field was concerned about the relationship - particularly when he met my then boyfriend. This guy (the ex) was arrogant in an OTT way that really alienated other people, and he'd constantly portray himself as a genius strolling amongst pygmies. I thought it was an elaborate joke that other people didn't get - so I didn't take it at all seriously when I should have done, viewed it as a cover for insecurity, and tried to boost him up - frequently (with hindsight) at my own expense.

It's chilling when you realise that the person seriously does genuinely believe in (and adore to the exclusion of everything else) this ludicrous image they've spent their life working on. Digging beyond it to find out what really lies beneath is not the most rewarding experience. My experience, when I did eventually get close to seeing past the mask, was that he initially with something that looked like utter fear (he quite literally shrank away from me) followed very quickly by a sort of empty coldness and cruelty.

You'll lose the narcissist temporarily when they find someone who does a better job of pandering to their ego than you do. Once that goes wrong, they'll come back looking for you (as the literature says, seeking out old sources) if they think there's any prospect that they might still hold some power over you. The only sane thing to do is ignore them completely and utterly. Any sort of attention, even cutting comments or insults, is milk and honey to them.

I'm with Tony on this. Run away - don't walk.
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Old 14th August 2005, 10:24 AM   #7
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No-he will never treat anyone better than he treated you....in the beginning, it is normal for the N to put on the charm and then before ya know it...he is a diff person. You did the right thing and he will not change until he wants to and most likely he does not even know that he is a N. he is most likely live a life of either being alone or jumping from one victim to the next.

AS someone else said...all a partner of a N does is feed their ego....
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Old 14th August 2005, 11:29 AM   #8
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Quote:
thanks for all your responses.

I am glad I am out of relationiship with a narcissist.
i can say it was a true nightmare.
i didn't know what was real and unreal, right or wrong anymore.
I almost committed suicide.

I gave all I had for this guy but got nothing in return, just heartache.
I'm a wreck.

he was pathological liar and cheater and I am/was too naive and gullable.

I have almost no self-esteem left but I don't think I will give up on life now.
i'm a very sensitive person and i find it hard all the cruel things he did to me.

I left him many times but he always manipulated his way back in my life.
I consider myself quite intelligent, I just don't understand how I could be fooled like that.
I guess i was addicted to him, and i was dependant.

he tried to contact me again 2 months ago and I told him to "stay the f**ck out of my life"
i don't usually talk like that but i knew i could not handle another round of craziness.

it is true what you say, the host thing, it is exactly that.

i am pretty bitter with relationships though.
this man had no heart and he broke mine forever.

i was just wandering if he would change in future, if with some other girlfriend, he would change or if he would always be evil.
Please don't think you are naive or gullable. He just knew how to push the right buttons with you to get what he wanted. I'm sure he has feelings for you, but his mind - The way it works - couldn't process those feelings into a "normal" place. Do you know what I mean?

Hey, I think you're incredibly strong to have ended it. So what if it took longer, YOU now have a brand new life to start over with and find somebody better suited for you. Trust me, that person IS out there...When the right time comes.

Don't beat yourself up k, look at the positives now. He isn't in your life, his craziness is not around you anymore, that rollercoaster is finally over!!!

Don't let him break your heart forever. He has a disorder that cannot be fixed - So the next woman who he is with will have the same problems as he will never change.
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Old 14th August 2005, 11:46 AM   #9
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Quote:
[i]
Don't let him break your heart forever. He has a disorder that cannot be fixed - So the next woman who he is with will have the same problems as he will never change.
And if you consider this advice alongside Tony's post, you might well conclude that any woman who does succeed in maintaining a permanent intimate relationship with this guy may well do so at the expense of other important areas of her life...including her identity and her self respect.

There's no shame in you having developed strong feelings for this man. If you are a normal, properly functioning human being then you'll credit others with having normal levels of human empathy - which seems a perfectly reasonable thing to do. As WWIU said, it's not gullible....and neither is it your fault if this guy turned out to have somewhat faulty wiring.
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Old 14th August 2005, 11:53 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by lindya


And if you consider this advice alongside Tony's post, you might well conclude that any woman who does succeed in maintaining a permanent intimate relationship with this guy may well do so at the expense of other important areas of her life...including her identity and her self respect.

There's no shame in you having developed strong feelings for this man. If you are a normal, properly functioning human being then you'll credit others with having normal levels of human empathy - which seems a perfectly reasonable thing to do. As WWIU said, it's not gullible....and neither is it your fault if this guy turned out to have somewhat faulty wiring.
Yup, and honestly, if you or anybody else CAN stay with an N, all the kudos to you! He's found somebody f**k'n awesome and is lucky to have that person in his life...(Or the other way around, there are female N's too)

I think you saw some good in him and hoped he could change. Nothing wrong with that, infact that just shows what a big heart you have. Look at yourself in a positive light and please, don't let this man ruin any chance of your happiness further in future. He isn't worth it. How to move on, get over him and live a happy life is to DO just so with or without therapy...
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Old 15th August 2005, 11:46 PM   #11
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ck guy:

did you find the breakup hard?
did you obsess over her?

i find it hard to move on.
i feel the scars will never heal.

even though i say to myself he was mean, cruel, selfish, and lots of other stuff.

i get tired of it all.

how long ago did you breakup and how are you feeling now?
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Old 15th August 2005, 11:50 PM   #12
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thanks which way is up and everyone else for your nice replies.

it really helps me.

i just can't way for the day he won't enter my thoughts anymore.

thanks again
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Old 16th August 2005, 3:27 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by Tony T
They never basically change. Attempting to have a relationship with a narcissist can be a nightmare. You can never be right unless you are serving their needs and imposing no burdens on them. They take responsiblity for nothing. The give as little as possible and attempt to extract the maximum from you. They are emotionally unavailable for the most part, with an agenda if they decide to fake same. They have no ability to empathize. They are incredible actors with little understanding of the script.

If any person reading this is in a relationship with a narcissist, get out of it. It's a lost cause. I don't care how attractive the person is or what you think you are getting out of it you will be sorry in the long run because you will be a loser.
Sad, but so true. Special dittos on the "nightmare" thing

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Old 16th August 2005, 4:18 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally posted by SweetJulia
thanks for all your responses.

I am glad I am out of relationiship with a narcissist.
i can say it was a true nightmare.
i didn't know what was real and unreal, right or wrong anymore.
I almost committed suicide.

I gave all I had for this guy but got nothing in return, just heartache.
I'm a wreck.

he was pathological liar and cheater and I am/was too naive and gullable.

I have almost no self-esteem left but I don't think I will give up on life now.
i'm a very sensitive person and i find it hard all the cruel things he did to me.

I left him many times but he always manipulated his way back in my life.
I consider myself quite intelligent, I just don't understand how I could be fooled like that.
I guess i was addicted to him, and i was dependant.

he tried to contact me again 2 months ago and I told him to "stay the f**ck out of my life"
i don't usually talk like that but i knew i could not handle another round of craziness.

it is true what you say, the host thing, it is exactly that.

i am pretty bitter with relationships though.
this man had no heart and he broke mine forever.

i was just wandering if he would change in future, if with some other girlfriend, he would change or if he would always be evil.
I haven't read the rest of the posts but I almost fell on the floor when i read this. It sounds exactly like me, except mine left me for someone else. I don't know how to get past it but I guess I just wanted to say that you're not alone. You have to find a way to let him go, I mean really let him go. I know you don't want him anymore but you have to find a way to forgive him and let it go. It's so hard.
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Old 16th August 2005, 4:53 PM   #15
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I read the rest of the thread. I had similar feelings to ck_guy and a similar experience to what everyone else described. I also got to the point when he was torturing me so much that I told him it was over. I wanted to work things out but he had his sights set on someone else for a while I believe. He was manipulating me into breaking up with him for a long time before I finally did it. It is such a difficult thing to go through. It does get better over time but it is a battle every day, even still. You probably had a very healthy self esteem when you met him and he's beaten you down to the point where you can't believe that you'll find anyone else and to the point where you've started to believe all of the things that he said were true. I couldn't wait for the day when I didn't cry over him anymore, all I wanted was one day. I still cry over this sometimes even though I know it was his problem and I deserved so much better because the relationship and it's effects were painful, not over him. BUT, I don't cry every day anymore and I try to forget it and distract myself as much as possible. I've been told that you have to treat this in the same way that someone has been abused has to be treated, to keep reinforcing that it wasn't your fault. So here's me giving you a big hug and telling you that I've been there, it gets better, and it's not your fault!
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