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No Contact or Friends? 27F broke up with 30M


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 25th December 2017, 9:44 AM   #46
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She told you very politely that her family are not your family, which reads BACK OFF. What do you do? Say you’re going to contact her mother.

When will you learn? You’ve heard it from the horse’s mouth.. make your own friends and move on with your life. Stop obsessing over this woman, she is being VERY polite and patient but I can see her snapping if you keep stalking her. Drop her stuff at her mother’s WITHOUT MAKING CONTACT and leave this chapter of your life behind.

Have you been this way with all of your exes? It’s not normal man..
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Old 25th December 2017, 9:48 AM   #47
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Originally Posted by HumanMachine View Post
She told you very politely that her family are not your family, which reads BACK OFF. What do you do? Say you’re going to contact her mother.

When will you learn? You’ve heard it from the horse’s mouth.. make your own friends and move on with your life. Stop obsessing over this woman, she is being VERY polite and patient but I can see her snapping if you keep stalking her. Drop her stuff at her mother’s WITHOUT MAKING CONTACT and leave this chapter of your life behind.

Have you been this way with all of yor exes? It’s not normal man..
I'm still tossing up whether to give the clothes back to the mother if she requests for them like she told me she would organise today. I was not going to contact the mother otherwise (even though the mother is supportive of me and knows what **** I have been going through with my mentally ill mother and nasty uncles - one of who threatened her with a stick while she was staying with my mother). All my grandparents are dead and my father has had his own issues and I haven't seen him for over 12 years (he was also abusive). I have no brothers or sisters. Other than that I have some uncles I am estranged from (related to my mother's legal and health issues). They were basically my family and I was living with her for most of the time we were together (mostly in apartments I solely rented - for three - four years I was with my grandmother).

When I was caring for my late maternal grandmother for years (who had dementia and limited mobility) she was there supporting me. I lost contact with a lot of my school buddies who were going out partying. I was in a steady long term relationship caring for an elderly relative. In terms of my career I had to go back and do post-graduate study as I had been out of the workforce so long caring for her. My uncles drafted a dodgy will when she was fading with dementia (part of the legal issues). Now all the school friends are all very different people and it would be weird, inappropriate for me to just message on Facebook 'hey how are you ten - fifteen years later?' I kept in touch with one good school friend I knew since age 10 but he took his life two years ago and since then I don't have any long term friends or 'besties' left.

I have not had that many exes. I have only ever had three GFs. The other two were only month/a few months when I was in my teens (one GF had also dated my late bestie - she now lives in the UK somewhere, the other ex-GF I think moved interstate). I have not been with anyone else other than her all through my 20s. I was her first boyfriend (she had random sex twice with two other guys before me but I was her first BF).

We were going out nearly a decade, some say time doesn't matter but we shared a lot together and I know she is out having sex with this other dude it still doesn't stop me wanting to speak and see her (even as a friend as difficult as it has been to come to terms with). I'm ****ing sad it's come to this point but I'm not going to snap at her because I'm not mad. I get it, I'll just have to wait and go NC and even then she may never want to talk to me again.

I don't think I'll drop off the old clothes, if that's all she's concerned about that's cold - still not angry but to hell with it if the value of contacting me is purely to get an old sweater and underwear.

I still have some of my things in her mother's street access storage garage (I know the code for the lock) I'll get soon because once I go NC she'll probably chuck out my stuff (even the sentimental slides of my late grandparents' holidays from the 60s)

And to think less than a year ago we were talking of marriage!

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 25th December 2017 at 10:57 AM..
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Old 25th December 2017, 10:58 AM   #48
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Just drop the clothes off. Give the mother a text saying I will be leaving her clothes outside at this time and be done with it. Stop stringing it out, she doesn’t want to be friends and she doesn’t want you to keep contacting her family. You’re making this extremely difficult for yourself, with all due respect Luke you’re 30.. time is of the essence man stop wasting yours on these people..

Last edited by HumanMachine; 25th December 2017 at 11:03 AM..
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Old 25th December 2017, 11:27 AM   #49
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I think I should just go NC for the next few months by which stage who knows how things will be with the new guy and where her headspace will be at.
NO, not for a few months this needs to be forever.
We all get that you are hurt, but you need to face reality.
YOU have already crossed so many boundaries here.

Xmas presents, chats with her mother, awkward walks and long talks...
All highly inappropriate and frankly weird.
SHE dumped you and has moved on.
Stop pushing yourself onto her and her family.
It has to stop.
They have been polite, understanding and nice up till now, but next they will be calling the police and I am not joking.
Stop it.
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Old 25th December 2017, 8:16 PM   #50
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Mate, you need to go NC and give this woman up forever. She doesn't respect you which is clear when she cheated on you with the Latin guy. I don't care what you say you may have done to push her into his arms but she disrespected you nonetheless. Also, when you shook his hand at the club, you made yourself look even worse. Women don't respect men who behave in this manner. You were better off punching him in the face-- not that I recommend that now. This behavior from you is really desperate and abnormal. You need to get a grip and give her up. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you're going to waste some of the better years of your life trying to get her back or destroying the little dignity you have left attempting to be friends with someone who probably thinks of you as a joke now.
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Old 25th December 2017, 11:07 PM   #51
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Mate, you need to go NC and give this woman up forever. She doesn't respect you which is clear when she cheated on you with the Latin guy. I don't care what you say you may have done to push her into his arms but she disrespected you nonetheless. Also, when you shook his hand at the club, you made yourself look even worse. Women don't respect men who behave in this manner. You were better off punching him in the face-- not that I recommend that now. This behavior from you is really desperate and abnormal. You need to get a grip and give her up. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you're going to waste some of the better years of your life trying to get her back or destroying the little dignity you have left attempting to be friends with someone who probably thinks of you as a joke now.
Definitely agree with this.

OP, I know it's hard to let go but you need to do it. Atleast stop contacting her family. When you want to to her or them..talk to us instead. Talk to a therapist, to some friends..anybody but her. She did disrespect you and she did cheat on you and then you went and shook the hand of the guy she cheated on you with. You may see it as being noble by showing respect for her, but it's weak in her eyes. You are that unwanted salesperson that solicits at the front door. Everytime you try to win her over..you push her away more and more. If you two are broken up and she's with someoene else, don't be that ex that lingers around. Believe me, she is thinking about how pathetic you look and is laughing about it with her friends. Probably even talking a bunch of crap about you to her new boyfriend.

Withdraw from this as of tonight. Block her off of everything and never talk to her again. She doesn't deserve you.

Last edited by Beachead; 25th December 2017 at 11:15 PM..
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Old 29th December 2017, 3:14 AM   #52
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UPDATE:

Thanks Beachead, and the others who responded.

I have not contacted the mother or her but she tried to call me a few hours ago. She did not leave a voicemail or text. I didn't pick up and haven't responded yet.

I gather she wants to pick up the rest of her stuff, I didn't just drop it off at the front door because I thought that would be weird - especially when she told me she would contact me to organise getting it (even though I didn't acknowledge).

I also thought she might have bought some new underwear etc. at the Christmas sales and maybe wouldn't contact me (because respect/space) at least for a few weeks (despite her saying she would organize a time in the next few days)

Even though she did not leave a message clearly all she wants to do is come over for ten minutes get her things then leave. I understand if she doesn't want to keep in touch and wants to block me out of her life (for fear it may impact future relationships and/or too much emotional pain etc. - she has never told me why we couldn't be friends but I'm guessing it's these two - all she's told me is that she is 'unsure' 'sometimes exes can never be friends', when asking if I could contact her in a few weeks she replied 'more like months' and that 'she's not ready for the friend-zone yet')

But what message do I send to her if I keep being this doormat? I'd rather her think I'm a sulk or a creep for not getting back to her regarding the rest of her clothes than a completely pathetic individual (with no 'support networks') at her beck and call. I could understand if these were sentimental things, or really expensive clothes, but they are just old underwear, a polka-dot playsuit and a sweater!

I want to challenge her perception of me (clingy) but it's hard to when being avoidant is also negative (so far I've been fairly responsive and needy during the breakup)

And after she told me 'my family is not your family' I think she needs some time to reflect on that (even though that may be the case it's very cruel when she knows I think of her mother as a second mother).

I don't want to give her this satisfaction because I have been going through the most emotional traumatic period of my life and all she is interested in are old clothes. I understand why she is doing this so I'm not mad at her because I know she is with someone else and probably wants to sever all ties at this stage but I was with her for so long so I thought she would at least show a bit more tact when she knows all I want to show her that I can be a decent friend (Say she messaged 'How about we meet up for lunch then I come over and get my stuff?' - I would respond to that, not some random call with no message).

I understand we may not be the 10% of LTRs to reconcile but I would like her to have a bit of respect on the way out the door and leave it open for the possibility that in the future we may be on speaking terms or at least 'facebook friends' because I will always wonder how she is going.

I don't see how this is anymore than an attempt at completely culling me from her life (what she said over Christmas, even though she only said it once - 'sometimes exes can never be friends' is ringing in my ear) which is infinitely sad.

------------------------------------

So what do you think I should do?

I know HumanMachine just said to still leave the things at the door, while others have said no contact forever.

I guess this is what it comes down to:

What will maximise the chances of us getting back in touch in the future?

Is it worse to be thought of as a pathetic doormat or a sulk/creep?

(The Beyonce lyric in the song Hold Up just came to mind 'What's worse lookin' jealous or crazy?' I do feel damned if I do damned if I don't)

I'm thinking wait until she texts something half-nice (like - 'hey how about we meet up for lunch then I come get the rest of my things?' or at least more specific) or if she doesn't maybe give it a few weeks then return her the rest of her old stuff (citing that I wasn't ready to speak to her after what you said during Christmas - which is still really raw - or maybe not say that because then I would look pathetic but I don't know what else to say? I needed some more space after seeing you at Christmas?)

I know all that's going on in her head is 'so annoying he isn't responding so I can get my stuff and be done with it' but maybe over time she will reflect more on what she said to me and maybe empathise just a little.

I think she may be setting the goal to block me out of her life entirely before the guy comes back from overseas next week (he went away to see his sister) and start the new year 'fresh'.

The only thing I'm concerned about if I drop her things back in a month (even at her door with a message) is that she will turn around and go 'Don't even need them anymore, don't want to speak to you ever again, good luck with your life' or the barge pole coming down with something similar along those lines.

But then again if that is how she responds when I make it clear to her that I needed more space after seeing her at Christmas and that it was too painful to think about returning the rest of her old stuff maybe there is nothing else I could have done.

It is raw, it is painful but if she was at least nice about it then maybe I would relent or at least respect her to come over and get the rest of her old things/drop them off at her door.

Maybe she already thinks she was nice after what she said at Christmas was 'I didn't even have to wave to you today' (which in response I said 'I'm just grateful you made the time to see me for an hour because I didn't know if you would be with the new guy all day')

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 29th December 2017 at 3:31 AM..
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Old 29th December 2017, 3:33 AM   #53
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Luke come on man.. just get rid of her stuff, cut ties and move on. What she said about you is correct, you shouldn’t look at challenging her about it, you should use her words to motivate yourself to become a better person. I believe you think you’re being a ‘nice guy’ when in reality you’re going about this the complete wrong way.. drop the stuff off, block her and leave her alone so she can focus on her new relationship.
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Old 29th December 2017, 3:41 AM   #54
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Her birthday is in a few weeks, by then she will have cemented the relationship with the new guy more.

I would rather drop them off at least in a month but it would be an olive branch on an important day for her.

I know she is right in a lot of the things she has said and I have admitted to my short-comings but thinking of her coming over to my place with the sole purpose of getting her things in the next few days or me dropping the last remnants of hers from mine at her door is hell.
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Old 29th December 2017, 5:03 AM   #55
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Why prolong your pain for a month? Let her live her life in peace Luke, she is in a new relationship. Your actions so far have been creepy, clingy and completely unnecessary, it really is time to get rid of her stuff and move on.
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Old 29th December 2017, 5:36 AM   #56
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Parcel up the underwear and send them to her in the post.
Send her a short text to tell her that.
Job done.
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Old 21st January 2018, 4:12 AM   #57
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UPDATE:

OK so her sister said me a lovely text message on NYE, I went away for a week a bit over the new year. Her mother texted me over the break and I told her I was OK and I would get back in a week. When I got back nobody contacted me.

I found a few more clothes and other items so it would be a bit too big for post (around two-three boxes). A week or so after I got back I sent a text to her sister thanking her for such a nice message and that I wanted to give back her things to her (the sister) as it would be a nice gesture on my exes birthday (which was last Tuesday).

I said I could meet her downstairs in case my ex was at their mother's place and I said I understood my ex needed space. Her sister said to play it by ear and was nice to me asking if I was eating my veggies and to take care, I wished her a nice week. The sister hasn't got back to me yet.

I didn't say this to the sister but I would prefer my ex pick them up from me but understand if she is still mad at me.

When she broke up she was repulsed by the immature tantrums I would throw (walking off, swearing under my breath) none of these tantrums escalated to violence or throwing things but I can see how she lost respect for me and thought I was chucking them to try and manipulate outcomes (when really I was just worn down from work and the legal cases and had no emotional tolerance).

I can see what I viewed as negotiation over domestic chores, she viewed as controlling behaviour.

I will have to let it breathe (I have no choice because she is with a new guy) and hopefully we will connect again on better terms in the months ahead. I understand (she feels at least) she doesn't love me anymore.

Today I had a beach patrol and I think she saw me.

I saw the new boyfriend and about three-four other friends walking along the beach path. I didn't attempt to come up and say hello as I didn't want to make things awkward (and I think she is still upset with me). Maybe if this was months later I would have come up and said Hi (as at first I saw her by herself, not with her friends and new partner, going to/coming out of the public toilets this was before I saw the back of the rest of her friends I turned around before we might have made eye contact) but I understand her position and how fresh this still is.

At Christmas and during the break up she told me she has no feelings left but I don't know if you can all of a suddenly stop having feelings for someone you have been with for nine years (even if you have been detaching for months prior) and maybe she doesn't want to trigger them, or maybe she is mad and just thinks 'it's better he's not in my life'. I want to show though that I have realised and really changed my attitude and perspective. Whatever the case may be right now it's hurting me.

I understand in the time apart she may change as well, so whoever I meet months down the line may be different from the woman I loved. I just want to see her and hear her voice.

Whatever will be will be I guess...

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 21st January 2018 at 4:40 AM..
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Old 31st January 2018, 8:24 AM   #58
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UPDATE:

I got through another ten days no contact.

I spoke to her sister's best friend before Christmas, she lives in another city and said it would be good to catch up when she comes late next month.

I texted one line - something like how are you? how did the case go? (she went to a local court over a civil matter she told me) last Friday, she waited a few days and called me on Sunday and we had a two hour chat.

She told me she hadn't spoken to my ex yet but shared some good advice with me - she had gotten back with her ex in March and told me all I could do was really focus on myself and give it time.

She is visiting the city again in a couple of weeks and said she would catch up with me.

I'm seeing the counsellor me and my ex went to for our IVF appointments in 2015-2016. I don't think my ex would be receptive to having a counselling session and I wouldn't want to considering for all I know she's still with this new boyfriend (it's been over six weeks now).

I think I'll have counselling sessions with the therapist for the next few months then maybe reach out, hopefully by then the desperate feelings of being in love and missing her will subside and we can meet on somewhat more middle ground to discuss whether we can ever be on good terms. (Maybe she won't be in the relationship anymore, maybe she will be in another one, maybe she will still be with the guy but whatever I can't think about that right now).

I know a lot of you would say why bother? and find someone else and too much baggage even staying in touch but we spent nearly ten years together, we grew up and thought of marriage and spending our lives together (even as recently within the last year). Even though I felt she gave up on me, emotionally divested and branched off to another guy she met at uni in the last six months and she felt I was unsupportive, self absorbed and controlling I'm sure we will be able to see eye to eye giving it months, maybe I'm a tad optimistic but she is a sweet, kind and gentle woman.

I can see now what I thought was heartfelt pleas to help me out with chores she saw as pathetic emotional manipulation. I can see the more I hammered on about the legal cases and how everything needs to be focused on saving the property the more she distanced and viewed these as my issues I was selfishly and pathetically absorbed by.

I can see now the infrequent sex especially when she was so hormonally up and down and desperately needing it at times led her to feel unwanted and her needs unmet.

I can see now how the lack of taking her out dancing with her (even though I tried to organise other things for us to do - like going to see film premieres and sports matches) made her feel unloved.

I wish she could see how buffeted I was by the situation I was in with my estranged mother and lawyers, yet at the same time I should have had the circumspection to see how what were (when it boiled down to it) my issues were effecting her and our relationship we held.

When I viewed myself as being selfless doing all this to secure a future for us all she saw was a man falling apart and how can she have respect for a person who is a blabbering mess half the time moaning about dishes and being distant and seemingly passive aggressive?

In the meantime she retreated to DSnapchat and WhatsApp (she is in her mid to late 20s but a lot of her friends are in there early 20s because she is a mature student). Finding funny Youtube clips to watch rather than thinking about spending time with me (and why would she want to considering the state I was in?).

Then when placed in the exchange program with this Spanish speaking man she found she could feel really valued teaching him better English while she learnt something (language and culture and dancing) she really loved learning about from him. It was night and day spending time with him at uni and out dancing vs me coming home to the apartment we shared and moaning about dishes and the world falling apart.

I know now what went awry and if she did return I would ensure I kept checks on myself, kept my emotions from overwhelming myself and set time aside every few days to ask her directly if she is feeling overwhelmed (the issue was that she kept to herself and was building resentment towards me - so even when I asked her it was all 'I'm fine').

And now that I have a job promotion and have stopped spending money on lawyers I would pay for her to plan a trip anywhere she wanted to go overseas (but I wouldn't offer that straight up because that would come across to her as overwhelming, desperate and putting out expectation).

I would take her driving lessons as that is something she really wanted to learn off me but I was just so busy I never got around to it...

I just miss her voice, her mind, her laugh and smile. It's really bad. I know she hasn't had the chance to really miss me yet since she's with the new guy. Maybe she will never really reflect like I have. I'm sure she has done some missing, but it's surely hard when you are looking forward to coming home to a new guy and 'Netflix and chilling' etc.

When I see the sister's best friend (who has also been through the ringer breaking up then getting back together with her ex - also her first love - her boyfriend went off with a ski instructor I believe) I will not try and use her as a go-between but I will make it clear to her that I am completely respectful of my ex's decision, the only thing I will ask is if she is comfortable telling me when my ex is single again (if ever) and I will vow, in return, to tell her if I meet someone else and am no longer available so my ex knows.

Since me and my ex are in NC (real NC, no social media or anything - we still have each other's numbers and email addresses and she was the last one to contact me replying to a nice message I sent weeks ago with 'thanks for the well wishes' which was curt but polite) she is really the only mutual friend and only way of knowing if my ex is available again (and my ex knowing if I'm still a partner option too).

I could contact her sister, her mother, or even her, but that would be inappropriate and stepping over the line.

On the phone the ex's friend told me that it was too hard seeing each other when her ex was in a relationship and unhealthy for her.

I have come to the same conclusion that it is pretty much impossible to be friends if you truly love someone (even if you aren't 'in love' and have those desperate emotions) because no doubt those 'in love' emotions and the pain will come back since you still love them.

I respect my ex's decision completely because even though I think she should have checked herself a bit more when she was going out dancing with this guy from uni (going to dinner and what could be seen as dates under the guise of learning Spanish) I can see just how fractured our relationship was.

But there is a lot of commonality between us for all the difference she saw at the end, she is considerate, kind, generous and curious about the world qualities I like to think I hold as well. She couldn't see that by the end though because I was in this constant malaise and being a bore about all the issues I was facing and when she had her own fertility and study issues to deal with she must have felt I was no support - so what's the use passing time being miserable at one another? Especially when she was still young and no longer saw a future with me.

I wrote a five page letter last week but decided to shelve it because that would be seen as more latent pressure by her - even if I could demonstrate I was serious and contrite in my feelings for her and about giving more of myself to her I doubt she would take it up if she is enjoying plenty of sex, lightness and levity with this new dude.

Hopefully I can make her see one day that I want to support her vision for the future; her dreams of being a researcher, academic and whatever else she chooses to be. I know now she didn't feel I was supportive because I didn't discuss her ambitions that much with her. But I love her and want to see her thrive and blossom even more. I think about her every hour, every day.

It just hurts that she's not around anymore.
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Old 31st January 2018, 9:53 AM   #59
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I know this has been going on for a while but I couldn't help but chip in, I felt so sad reading the original post, you're not alone mate, even if it seems that way, I can say a few things , YOU DODGED A BULLET HERE, no matter what we think about love, this isn't it, I know there is maybe 1% of mature people in the world and you are one of them , your detailed post explains it, you gave your love man answer no one can take that away, it's a loss but you lost nothing.
I can't help but feel empathy or anger for this type of people, how can you throw away 9 years for someone you just met a few months , I mean, be rest assured I repeat you dodged a bullet.
I was in the same shoes in September, and left for her coworker, throwing away everything we had for someone she just met.
Off course everything seems brand new and great, no arguments like you had and now she can enjoy, let her.
As you have been advised take time to heal, don't jump into relationships, try live , sort out your problems and trust me you will be in a better place.
My heart goes out to you man
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Old 31st January 2018, 10:00 AM   #60
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UPDATE:

I got through another ten days no contact.

I spoke to her sister's best friend before Christmas, she lives in another city and said it would be good to catch up when she comes late next month.

I texted one line - something like how are you? how did the case go? (she went to a local court over a civil matter she told me) last Friday, she waited a few days and called me on Sunday and we had a two hour chat.

She told me she hadn't spoken to my ex yet but shared some good advice with me - she had gotten back with her ex in March and told me all I could do was really focus on myself and give it time.

She is visiting the city again in a couple of weeks and said she would catch up with me.
This is so sad, I just can't help myself, hang in there man, you've done your part, she knows you love her or loved her, stop every contact including mutual friends, this will impede your healing, hang in there

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 31st January 2018 at 11:24 AM.. Reason: Truncate quote
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