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Love, Acceptance, & ....


Almond_Joy

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I've got two big milestones on my mind tonight, but I don't see how to separate the two. So I'll just ramble, and they'll come out as they will.

 

The first is that which brought me to LoveShack: a breakup. I fell in love for the first time about 2 years ago. It was the most exhilirating experience I've ever had in my life, and it showed. I was the absolute best version of myself. I shone from the inside with a radiant positivity that infected everyone around me. I loved myself, what I gave of myself to the world, and felt secure/optimistic....all because I could see a future with someone by my side.

 

10 months after it started, it was over. The fellow I loved more than I even knew I could love someone just...changed. Fell out of love with me, and couldn't be bothered to tell me.

 

Now, I've always been a pessimist, but had never failed to have faith that something better will always come about, in its time. There was a point in my grief over the breakup where that faith vanished. The thing I had become the most secure, the most sure of in all my life, gave way and left me flailing. I didn't know how I was going to get out of the pit my grief left me in. Even worse, I didn't see a point in getting out. After all, what was waiting for me when I made it back to the pessimistic,optimistic person I was?

 

I hate to think I sound melodramatic :-/, but...that was intense for me. My mind was officially BLOWN. Thinking back right now, I honestly can't recall what I told myself in order to keep going day to day. But I did. And time, being the curious phenomenon it is, did the rest.

 

So, here I am, a year and four months after the breakup. With someone new, in love again. Fully aware that this relationship may crash and burn due to circumstances I can't forsee or conceive...and totally OK with that.

 

I don't know when the shift happenned, but I understand now that a good outcome is NOT guaranteed in life. Life isn't fair, and people can be f****d up. I sincerely did NOT "get" that before. And I'm pretty sure holding onto that fundamental concept - that life's supposed to be fair - is what delayed my recovery so long. S**t happens to people who don't do anything wrong. S**t happens because it can....so it will.

 

And the longer I spend harping and moaning over spilled milk, the more I miss out on. Whatever it is. May be more s**t....may be something great. I'd rather take my chances with something new than keep coddling something old and dead.

 

So..that's the love and acceptance.

 

I mentioned I haven't been the same since the breakup. Part of that change is that my focus has been shot to hell. I don't get a fraction of the work done in the time that I used to, and it's become a monumental effort just to get to work on time. It's gotten exponentially worse in the last 2 or 3 months - bad enough that people are asking questions, having to double check my work. I've got a tremendous amount of responsibility of my shoulders. If my work doesn't get done, the department suffers noticeably.

 

My boss is overwhelmed, and so has either not noticed or not cared enough to say anything about my faltering performance. She's the best manager I've ever had, and has been so supportive of my advancement and development. In addition to meeting the standards I set for myself, I don't want to let her down. Especially now when she needs the support most.

 

I was getting stressed out and frustrated because she's never had to micromanage me, and I don't want to be micro-managed. But for whatever reason, I could not muster the will to apply myself to the same work I've been doing cyclically for months now.

 

I've struggled with focus all my life. It's always taken a monumental force of will and mental energy for me to apply myself to any one thing (besides hearing and sharing ideas/thoughts/feelings) for more than a half-hour. I always figured it was because I hadn't found my "passion" or "calling" or whatever. When I did find my passion, I STILL couldn't apply myself - not even to activities related to that!

 

I had begun harboring the belief that I'm some sort of listless idiot who's stupidity will leave me marginalized and unaccomplished in life. (<----Optimism gone, mind you.)

 

 

I recently recalled that I'd heard my bf talk about Adderrall on several occasions. It sounded like the godsend I needed. After months of self-help talk and techniques proved fruitless, I asked him to let me try some.

 

I'm still amazed by the change. Within 10 minutes... no rampant random thoughts amok in my mind, no scrambling to remember where I put things or what I was supposed to be doing. For once, things were quiet...inside. That's the best way I can describe it. I got more done that day than I had in the last two weeks at work. I was relieved that something worked, got me back to my former productivity.

 

Though I don't think the tests are terribly complex or intense for diagnosing a disorder, they were sufficient enough to give me what I need right now. That's right folks - I've been diagnosed with adult ADD and given a prescription of Adderrall.

 

I wanted to write about this because it's a huge relief. It never occurred to me to look into ADD, or that my issue with focusing was something that could be managed in part with some external tool (prescription). It's given me back that edge I had when I started this job, and with all other aspects of my life in order for now, I have nothing to distract me from accomplishing all the things I've been saying I want to do and have yet to actualize. For the first time in my life, I truly feel focused. And it's wonderful :).

 

If you made it all the way down here, thanks for reading.

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