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Second therapy session



What came out of this was quite an enlightening discovery. We discussed how I felt fear and unable to be my real self a lot of the time.


I described how when I attempted suicide that at some point after about an hour after cutting my wrists, I felt a powerful, clear voice saying "this is not the way" and then called the emergency services. I felt that this was the man in me, the real me.


It was the same voice that had I had actually spoken with when in Nepal, in a truck, on mountain roads with the driver texting whilst driving. I had said then, "stop doing that now". It was a really powerful voice. My mind, body and soul were all connected at that moment, ready to do whatever was necessary to stop us rolling off a cliff like so many other vehicles before us in a land where everyone believes in reincarnation. He did stop. And when he pulled over, I started shaking.


My therapist said that when he first saw me he thought "this is a big guy". I am a big guy. 6'3" and 17 stone. This was the big voice that fits this body.


It felt, both times, like an epiphany. At those moments every part of me was joined, present, working together. I wasn't thinking about what to say, I was saying what I was thinking, and it was all I needed to do in order to assert myself.


I left the session feeling empowered, chipper, confident. We discussed how that voice doesn't have to be loud or solely for life-threatening situations, it just has to be me. Getting used to being me is going to take time, but every journey starts with a first step.

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Next year, when I travel to Nepal, I will no doubt remember you and this story, bd. Good stuff.

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