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Guide to life after going NC



No contact is not a weapon or a tool to do anything to someone else.


It's all about you. Its about accepting you are not connected to that person or persons any more, whoever they are, and letting go of the connection you used to have with them.


How they perceive and react to your verbal disappearance is their business not yours.


No contact is a stage, a process. It is not a statement. You have decided you are no longer going to get hurt by maintaining a relationship with that person or persons.


It feels strange, counter-intuitive, to not turn to the person or persons that you were so intimate with in some way when you are upset, to seek solace from them. But further contact with them causes more upset. The very thing you relied on for comfort is now causing discomfort.


Let me get this straight: it is not the other person or persons that you have relied on; rather it is your relationship with them that hurts you. You have become reliant on that person in some way, and by doing so you have divested an amount of your care and safety to that person. Don't worry; I don't wish to judge; you were doing the best you could with the information you had.


There are hundreds if not thousands of people you have met that you do not contact any more and will in all likelihood never contact again. The last customer service person you spoke to on the phone - are you in contact with him or her? Will you be in a year? No. That's what no contact is.


This is your time and your life. During this period, you may feel a range of emotions, and thoughts. Let them out. When the melancholy mood strikes, think of it as passing clouds.


Take as long as you like. At first it is bewildering, and scary, and you will be infused with the past. But as time goes by you will notice more things about the present. You might find you think about that person or persons when you are ill, or tired, or stub your toe. It is not he, she or them that hurt you this time, it is the stubbing your toe that hurt you.


Somewhere inside you have associated pain with the person or persons. But as you progress, and review every big or little wobble, every time you think upsetting things about him, her or them, you'll be able to notice that something now was actually what concerned you, not that person or persons in the past.


And sooner than you think, and if it is your wish, you will stop thinking of them as "my ex" and realise they are "someone I was involved with". The difference is that "my ex" suggests ownership, a connection still, whereas people we were involved with do not belong to or own us. I don't have "my ex" taxi driver any more than I have "my ex" girlfriend. I was driven by that taxi driver and I was involved with that woman.


This is what NC is about. It's about helping you calm down, recover, feel better, let go of that relationship, disassociate you now from you then.


This is just one more person or persons you have met on your life journey. You had some extraordinary, unique times together and touched each other's hearts. You're extraordinary, uniquely you. Don't be sad that it's over - be happy it happened.


As I said, no contact is a process, a stage in your life. By deciding to stop the harmful process of being in contact with that persons or persons, you have decided to remove a stress from your life. You have decided to take control of your own happiness. You have given yourself the space and peace in which to accept what has happened, where you are now and let go of the feelings and thoughts you were holding back.


And you end up here, in the now, a better, happier, more present, ready, willing and able to make more of your life. To find things that make you happy and do them.


So go change your phone number, block Facebook, block emails, delete all contact details, delete, burn or hide photos and letters, move town, country, continent. Lose contact.


There's a light at the end of the tunnel and you can reach it by leaving your excess baggage behind.

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I love this so much everytime I need to I will come back and read this thank you for posting this

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The truth spoken here by Betterdeal is simple...Yet not easy. Thank you for putting into easy-to-understand words. This is very, very helpful.

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This just gave me a pep talk. Its reads really well Thanks for posting it.It will be a year sence my breakup on July7 and I still feel like am healing. So the part about take your time rang soo true. Iam at the point where I wish him well (I think) smile. Thanks again...

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Excellently put. I didn't have excess baggage...I was walking around with a bloody trunk! Once I decided to let go of it, the rest was easy. Life grows preciously short when holding on. And happiness is always available. We just have to make the decision that, THAT is what we want. :) Thank you for this. Very enlightening.

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Thanks, you are very wise! It's nice that people like you take the time to offer advice to sad people like me :)

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added this to my bookmarks page just as something to give me perspective when my emotions diverge to the most ridiculous.... thanks Betterdeal =)

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I have been 'here' ie NC with a certain person before. Last time there was hope that they may one day sort themselves out & possibly eventually return as there was no history of abuse or infidelity toward me & he was always my 'the one'. This time there was both. Last time I maintained NC for 15 yrs. This time it must be maintained permanently. Your post was succinct & wise. It also triggered me bursting into tears. May this pain never be forgotten & the REAL 'one' finally appear when I am eventually ready to complete the healing of my absolutely shattered heart. Right now I dont think it's ever gunna mend even though I hope it does eventually. I'm a kind & decent person who didn't deserve this.... Thankyou for your blog.

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Thank you for this. NC isn't something I really have a trouble with, but it's nice to read something that reaffirms that everything I'm doing is right. :)

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having abit of trouble today by yeilding to looking at "the person I am no longer with"'s page, thankfully it did'nt do too much harm other than confirm we are not meant to be, but reading your post makes me consider the ways I am still clinging on to her.. thanks better =)

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beautiful...just fantastic!! thank you sooo much betterdeal, was feeling really down, but reading this i`m actually smiling for the 1st time in about a week :), bookmarked too, gonna read it everyday ....thanks again :)

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My name is miss GLORY, i saw your profile today and became interested in you,i will also like to know you more,and if you accept send an email to my private mail box,i will give you my photo here is my email address ([email protected]) I believe we can move from here! yours Glory Andrew

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This is just the best thing I have read for years and if I had read this years ago I could have let go of my pain I suffered and moved on so much quicker,I am quite happy now but if life ever gets tough again I will be sure to read this AGAIN and AGAIN.

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I understand NC but what if the person that is doing it wants to believe your the cause of the pain and yet your not? And if that person that is not contacting you is the one that really wants to be with you?

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