Desperate no. Desperate people struggle and try hard still. The desperate have the hope that with enough struggle they can get what they strive for.

It is more like... for a couple three years or there about I did not seek relationships. I was perfectly fine and willingly celibate. I did not really desire any such connections. I just wanted to focus on my research and studies.

Now that I am wrapping up this stage of my life it's like that part of me that was able to have relationships is emmaciated. That part of me remembers what relationships are, and how to have them... but has not the strength to get up and get one.

Like a man who was on a hunger strike or fast...and fasted almost to the point of fatal starvation. I struggle to move for food..I reach out but it evades my feeble grasp. I sit up but by the time I rise it is gone. If I get it in my mouth I have forgotten how to bite. If I bite it I have to struggle to remember how to chew and my mouth does not water, nor my stomach digest easily...for it is all atrophied. Withered from lack of use. (JIC any one wonders that's not a analogy for my Johnson. I'm talking about emotionally withered. PFC Johnson snaps to attention with gusto.)

That is what I am. I wish almost that the part of me which has any energy for relationships would die. For when I was content without a relationship or sex I was kinda happy. I was really really happy to not have or want a relationship or sex. Now it's like I don't remember what those things are like. It's like being a virgin all over again.

I have a date well meeting with someone off OK Cupid this Friday. I'm not expecting much as I have heard too much in terms of horror stories. I have faith they will show but that's about it. Just so long as they show and we have time for a talk and I'll be happy. Baby steps.