norajane Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 So, let's see if I've pieced this together correctly: Shy, nerdy guy who didn't have much experience with women, either sexually or socially, meets an attractive, vibrant young lady who has had a few "wild" experiences. She looks up to him as he is somewhat older and wiser than her, and he treats her kindly and provides her with a spiritual foundation she'd never felt before. He, being older and her spiritual guide, finds it fairly easy to suppress her adventurous side, including her sexuality, in order to conform to his particular beliefs and desires. Because our impressionable young lady admires and loves him and believes he knows best, she agrees to chastity until marriage, even though this course leaves her resenting both the lack of sex and intimacy, as well as his need for control. However, she does appreciate his other qualities and feels somewhat guilty (?) or regretful (?) of her past adventures, so she carries on and marries him. Some years and some children later, our fair maiden has realized that she has no attraction to her husband, and does not desire sex with him, although she is still very sexual on the inside and does feel a desire for sex, sensuality, and passion in her life. At this point, however, it seems too late to regain her passion for her husband becuse she is filled with resentment, he is not an active lover and has neither a knowledge of how to please a woman in bed, nor a specific knowledge of how to please his wife in bed - he is not a take-charge lover, nor a lover who explores sensuality with uninhibited pleasure in her body or his. In addition, he is not a good listener in that he will not entertain any explanations other than his own rationalizations for what may be the problem between them...thus creating even more resentment and distance and inhibition. Now, our wild young lady is unable to express herself and her needs in bed as she doesn't see marital sex as an expression of love and passion for or from her husband, but a bit of a power struggle between them. Get thee to a therapist, young lady, and once you've gone the distance, drag this man with you to marriage counseling - make him SEE and UNDERSTAND that it takes two to tango.
Author Storyrider Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 So, let's see if I've pieced this together correctly: Shy, nerdy guy who didn't have much experience with women, either sexually or socially, meets an attractive, vibrant young lady who has had a few "wild" experiences. She looks up to him as he is somewhat older and wiser than her, and he treats her kindly and provides her with a spiritual foundation she'd never felt before. He, being older and her spiritual guide, finds it fairly easy to suppress her adventurous side, including her sexuality, in order to conform to his particular beliefs and desires. Everything in this first P. is right except the part I highlighted. He would say, guide and form my sexuality so that it is subordinated to, and falls within the context of marriage. Because our impressionable young lady admires and loves him and believes he knows best, she agrees to chastity until marriage, even though this course leaves her resenting both the lack of sex and intimacy, as well as his need for control. However, she does appreciate his other qualities and feels somewhat guilty (?) or regretful (?) of her past adventures, so she carries on and marries him. Yes, all correct. Some years and some children later, our fair maiden has realized that she has no attraction to her husband, and does not desire sex with him, although she is still very sexual on the inside and does feel a desire for sex, sensuality, and passion in her life. At this point, however, it seems too late to regain her passion for her husband becuse she is filled with resentment, he is not an active lover and has neither a knowledge of how to please a woman in bed, nor a specific knowledge of how to please his wife in bed - he is not a take-charge lover, nor a lover who explores sensuality with uninhibited pleasure in her body or his. Again, the bolded parts aren't exactly right. I would say my attraction is stunted, not entirely absent. You are right that he doesn't take charge. But he is an active lover. He's responsive. Perhaps a bit awkward at times, but it isn't for want of trying. I would say he is tentative, maybe because he feels overscrutinized. Also, he can come at the drop of a hat (for example, even if we are both fully clothed) which is a minor complication only because I usually have to make him come with hand or mouth before we have sex, then get him aroused a second time. Otherwise it will last less than a minute. In addition, he is not a good listener in that he will not entertain any explanations other than his own rationalizations for what may be the problem between them...thus creating even more resentment and distance and inhibition. Now, our wild young lady is unable to express herself and her needs in bed as she doesn't see marital sex as an expression of love and passion for or from her husband, but a bit of a power struggle between them. In general I would say he is an excellent listener. He is just very firm in certain viewpoints and will not budge because he has thought them through. It isn't that I don't feel listened to. It is more like I am a child talking to a a very patient parent. He listens to my POV but views it as wrong headed. Get thee to a therapist, young lady, and once you've gone the distance, drag this man with you to marriage counseling - make him SEE and UNDERSTAND that it takes two to tango. I do plan to go to therapy ASAP.
Author Storyrider Posted March 1, 2007 Author Posted March 1, 2007 even though this course leaves her resenting both the lack of sex and intimacy One more correction I overlooked. There was plenty of intimacy, it just wasn't particularly sexual, although we kissed, touched, and even engaged in oral sex. It felt off the mark to me without the big "IT". There is a sense in which he didn't fully "make me his" until very late in our emotional relationship. The emotional relationship was fully defined, but he had never physically "taken" me. Does that make sense? He hadn't made it real, punctuated it, through that act. I think this is going to sound extreme and kind of sad. But I don't know if I feel I belong to him, the way a wife should feel she belongs to a husband. I feel emotionally available in a way I shouldn't as a married woman. And that is what I haven't ever told him outright, and probably what I need to tell a therapist.
norajane Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 One more correction I overlooked. There was plenty of intimacy, it just wasn't particularly sexual, although we kissed, touched, and even engaged in oral sex. It felt off the mark to me without the big "IT". There is a sense in which he didn't fully "make me his" until very late in our emotional relationship. The emotional relationship was fully defined, but he had never physically "taken" me. Does that make sense? He hadn't made it real, punctuated it, through that act. I think this is going to sound extreme and kind of sad. But I don't know if I feel I belong to him, the way a wife should feel she belongs to a husband. I feel emotionally available in a way I shouldn't as a married woman. And that is what I haven't ever told him outright, and probably what I need to tell a therapist. It makes sense to me - there's an emotional bond that can develop between a couple that only develops through sex. That part was delayed, which left a distance between you that was never fully bridged. So no, you don't feel that you belong to him, or that you are "one" with each other on that intimacy level...you never quite got there. It stands to reason if you don't have it with him, then you are still 'available' in that way, maybe even to someone else. Frankly, I'm amazed that you haven't been drawn to someone else in that way all this time. It's a testament to your level of commitment to this relaitonship.
crazy_grl Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 Well...this is exactly what he thinks the problem is, almost word for word. But at the same time, I want him to be dominant in the bedroom. So, I'm a mess of contradictions I guess. Aren't we all... I state my case. But he is the kind of person who thinks everything through. And he can always remember everything I've said in the past and quote it back to me. Plus he always has reasons to back up what he is saying. I can see how that would be frustrating, especially when you think that person is wrong, but can't come up with any reasons to explain to them why. I was having a discussion with a friend of mine awhile back and he was telling me some theory he had about dating. He was so convinced he was right, but something just didn't sit well with me. I told hiim I thought he was wrong, but I couldn't think of any reasons why. He thought it was because I just didn't like that his theory was "the way things are". Later on, it hit me why I didn't agree with him. When told him my reasons, I basically blew all kinds of holes in his theory. He kind of admitted I was right, and I haven't heard anything about this theory since. So... I guess what I'm trying to say is that before you can get him to listen to you about what the problem is, you have to know what you think it is, find a way to explain it convincingly and don't back down until you feel like he's heard you out. Have more confidence in your own judgement. Maybe one of you is right and one of you is wrong. Maybe you're both wrong. Or maybe you're both right. I'm no marriage counselor or anything, but I think you should say what you feel the problem is and your H say what he feels the problem is. Then each of you could try to work on what the other thinks is the problem. If either of you are unwilling to do that, then that itself is a problem. Anyway, I'm just trying to offer you some food for thought in case you want to try to some things before you're able to get to marriage counseling, since you won't be able to do it until summer. Are you wanting to try to work on thing before that or do you prefer to just wait until you can get to MC?
crazy_grl Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 One more question StoryRider, do you feel like you can't tell him a lot of this stuff because you're afraid you're going to hurt his feelings?
Author Storyrider Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 It stands to reason if you don't have it with him, then you are still 'available' in that way, maybe even to someone else. Frankly, I'm amazed that you haven't been drawn to someone else in that way all this time. It's a testament to your level of commitment to this relaitonship. You're giving me too much credit. My imagination has strayed many times. I just haven't had the balls to actually act on it. One more question StoryRider, do you feel like you can't tell him a lot of this stuff because you're afraid you're going to hurt his feelings? No. I've told him much of this stuff. It is just he doesn't see much point in talking about it if my behavior doesn't change. And some of it I am just now figuring out from writing about it and then reading all of these thoughtful responses. Thanks.
Author Storyrider Posted March 2, 2007 Author Posted March 2, 2007 Will he hate you if you leave him? I don't know what he would do. That would be kind of radical. It is easier to imagine him catching me doing something stupid and kicking me to the curb. That would be an easier escape hatch, and a cowardly one, of course. Or me slowly letting our lives collapse around us while I eventually spend 24 hours a day on LS, letting the house go back to the elements and the kids run with the neighborhood dogs, talking to imaginary friends until he commits me to the state mental hospital. Or maybe if I can live with the current situation for about fifteen more years I will go into menopause and not care about sex anymore. Probably what will really happen is I will eventually go to therapy, and the therapist will give us some exercises to do and things will get better for a while and then slip back to the way they were. Then I can try option A, B, or C.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 2, 2007 Posted March 2, 2007 In general I would say he is an excellent listener. He is just very firm in certain viewpoints and will not budge because he has thought them through. It isn't that I don't feel listened to. It is more like I am a child talking to a a very patient parent. He listens to my POV but views it as wrong headed. Not my definition of a good listener. If the person you're talking to can't (or won't) consider your viewpoint, you might as well be doing a soliliquy by yourself in the shower. I think, as others have deftly pointed out, that this is a control issue. His closed mind ("like I am a child talking to a very patient parent") has naturally caused you to feel resentment, and that resentment manifests itself in an inability on your part to feel the emotional connection required for intimacy. Unless somethings changes, hard to see things getting better... Mr. Lucky
Prudence Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 I don't know what he would do. That would be kind of radical. It is easier to imagine him catching me doing something stupid and kicking me to the curb. That would be an easier escape hatch, and a cowardly one, of course. Or me slowly letting our lives collapse around us while I eventually spend 24 hours a day on LS, letting the house go back to the elements and the kids run with the neighborhood dogs, talking to imaginary friends until he commits me to the state mental hospital. Or maybe if I can live with the current situation for about fifteen more years I will go into menopause and not care about sex anymore. Probably what will really happen is I will eventually go to therapy, and the therapist will give us some exercises to do and things will get better for a while and then slip back to the way they were. Then I can try option A, B, or C. Oh. My. Goodness. I can relate (I know I've said that before.) I talked to my husband about divorcing, we had a couple of talks, and it kinda seemed like maybe we'd split up, but then I got emotional and said, maybe we should try to stay together for the dogs. And he had been so hurt by this whole thing because he doesn't want to get a divorce. But now I don't know if I made the right decision by saying let's not split, even though nothing is definite yet, but I wonder if I've gone too far in my mind to come back. And my attraction to my co-worker has definitely affected my feelings, though I'm trying not to let it, but it is. Anyhoo, I wonder now that I've kind of come to this place in my mind, if I'll have an affair now, like, have I lost my moral inhibition against that because I don't really want to be married anymore? And if I had an affair, would it make him want to divorce? I can relate to that cowardly option, Storyrider! LIke what if I had an affair just to get him to want a divorce, but what an awful thing to do! And I'm worried that if I don't do something now, while I'm still under 50, that I will be too old and menopause will have hit and I'll never have a chance for a relationship with a good sex life! Just like you said, sticking it out for 15 years and then the point is moot. And the going to therapy and things getting better until it goes bad again, I see that happening, too. Even though we have a lot of differences in our situations, I just really can feel with so many of your feelings. I think I realized today, though, that I want a chance to be with someone else, that I won't be happy if I stay with my husband. But that is so scary and I feel guilty and bad. The one thing that makes me at all want to stay married right now is that we would have to sell our house and I don't know where I'd live with our dogs. I know this was long, thank you anyone for listening! Storyrider, I know you said you can't get to therapy right now with taking care of kids and everything, but I hope you can soon.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 but then I got emotional and said, maybe we should try to stay together for the dogs. I was going to drop in the obvious pun about your relationship going to the... My opinion, if you have truly tried, there's no kids involved (the dogs aside ) and nothing is changing - time to leave. Life is too short to be miserable or sad (and to make your husband feel the same way), so you should probably suck it up and go. The alternative of living every day feeling trapped benefits no one... Mr. Lucky
Author Storyrider Posted March 3, 2007 Author Posted March 3, 2007 ...And the going to therapy and things getting better until it goes bad again, I see that happening, too. Even though we have a lot of differences in our situations, I just really can feel with so many of your feelings. Yeah, there are some parallels for sure. I think I realized today, though, that I want a chance to be with someone else, that I won't be happy if I stay with my husband. But that is so scary and I feel guilty and bad. The one thing that makes me at all want to stay married right now is that we would have to sell our house and I don't know where I'd live with our dogs. Well, I think you should be thankful it is just dogs and not children. Not to belittle your feelings about your dogs, but your happiness is more important. If divorcing is the right thing to do, I would not look back. Wouldn't you feel ripped off if you stayed in an unfulfilled marriage because of dogs? But do you think the real issue is you don't want to be the bad guy? You actually don't sound conflicted much about your feelings for him. You seem pretty confident you want out. If it is just a matter of the hurt you're going to cause him, that also is not good enough reason to stay. As for me, I was in a cynical mood when I wrote my last post. When I read it today it sounds kind of gloomy and self pitying. I don't know. This ambivalence is what led me into my marriage in the first place: there are so many things about our relationship that work fine. Great almost. It was easier (for me anyway, not for him) when I just didn't care about sex, and I was satisfied with being glorified roommates. Part of me almost wishes he would threaten to divorce me if I didn't get with the program. Then it would force me to see how I really feel. Tonight he came home with a really great photo of himself taken at work (he works in the church) and he looked really handsome. But in the background of the photo, over his shoulder, is a cross that is hanging on the wall in his office. (I don't know if you've seen my other thread about some of our religious differences.) After I told him how great he looked in the picture, I said something like, "But having that big cross over your shoulder is a bit unnerving," and he responded that he likes it and thinks it is great. Sigh. It is hard to imagine sending that picture to any of my Jewish family, lol.
Prudence Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 I was going to drop in the obvious pun about your relationship going to the... My opinion, if you have truly tried, there's no kids involved (the dogs aside ) and nothing is changing - time to leave. Life is too short to be miserable or sad (and to make your husband feel the same way), so you should probably suck it up and go. The alternative of living every day feeling trapped benefits no one... Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky, you're funny. I didn't even think about the obvious pun about where our relationship is going! I don't know that I have "truly tried." It's like I just made up my mind and I don't really want to "try." Which I rationally know is unfair. It's a little hard to know if I've had an awakening of sorts, or if this is a passing hormone-induced phase. I kind of feel like it's the former, but I'll never really know until time has passed, I guess. You sound like a pretty wise guy (note, not "wiseguy"!) so I appreciate your thoughts. Now where is your relationship thread so I can see what's going on with you!?
Prudence Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 Well, I think you should be thankful it is just dogs and not children. Not to belittle your feelings about your dogs, but your happiness is more important. If divorcing is the right thing to do, I would not look back. Wouldn't you feel ripped off if you stayed in an unfulfilled marriage because of dogs? I agree that it's a good thing we don't have kids. I can only imagine how that makes things more difficult and complicated for you. Divorce is usually a big trauma for kids, unless one of the spouses is in some way abusive. Kids pretty much want their parents to stay together. But do you think the real issue is you don't want to be the bad guy? You actually don't sound conflicted much about your feelings for him. You seem pretty confident you want out. If it is just a matter of the hurt you're going to cause him, that also is not good enough reason to stay. Yes, that's part of it. I'm the one destroying the marriage and upsetting things. He would be content to not change anything. And my family, made up of conservative Christians, will fah-reek out and definitely think I'm doing something horrible and wrong. And I do worry also about the impact it will have on my nephews, two of whom have known my husband all their lives and they all love him. As for me, I was in a cynical mood when I wrote my last post. When I read it today it sounds kind of gloomy and self pitying. I don't know. This ambivalence is what led me into my marriage in the first place: there are so many things about our relationship that work fine. Great almost. It was easier (for me anyway, not for him) when I just didn't care about sex, and I was satisfied with being glorified roommates. Well, I don't think being glorified roommates is a good way to live, unless it's really what both people want. My husband and I have been glorified roommates for years now. I know it is different for you because of your children, but, you have to ask yourself if you want to feel trapped or sentenced for the rest of your life. Is this a passing phase for you? Or has this been building for a while? Storyrider, if you could have things end up any way you want, how would you want them to end up? Part of me almost wishes he would threaten to divorce me if I didn't get with the program. Then it would force me to see how I really feel. Because this would make you not the bad guy? Do you think this is a cowardly step like having an affair would be? Tonight he came home with a really great photo of himself taken at work (he works in the church) and he looked really handsome. But in the background of the photo, over his shoulder, is a cross that is hanging on the wall in his office. (I don't know if you've seen my other thread about some of our religious differences.) After I told him how great he looked in the picture, I said something like, "But having that big cross over your shoulder is a bit unnerving," and he responded that he likes it and thinks it is great. Sigh. It is hard to imagine sending that picture to any of my Jewish family, lol. I am Catholic (isn't that what your H is?); a struggling Catholic anyway. I haven't read your religion threads but I will look for them. I think it would be really hard to have a good marriag with two different religions, but I guess some people can do it. I guess I have a mixed marriage, too, because my H is an atheist. Does your family disprove of your marriage to a Christian? I think Judaism is more liberal concerning divorce, but I'm not positive. At least you thought he looked handsome!
Author Storyrider Posted March 3, 2007 Author Posted March 3, 2007 Well, I don't think being glorified roommates is a good way to live, unless it's really what both people want. My husband and I have been glorified roommates for years now. I know it is different for you because of your children, but, you have to ask yourself if you want to feel trapped or sentenced for the rest of your life. Honestly, I think with some hard work I could whip our relationship into something I can live with. It is just the hard work that is painful and I'm balking at. Not just because I'm lazy, but also because it would force me to face some difficult and unpleasant things about myself and him, and it is more comfortable to stick with the status quo. And then working hard on a relationship is almost the polar opposite of the romantic ideal; although, I know everyone in good marriages says it is what you have to do. Right now, because we have let things get pretty bad, it is kind of like an alcoholic who drinks daily trying to quit, or an obese person trying to lose 200 pounds. It is hard to get off the couch and get started. Storyrider, if you could have things end up any way you want, how would you want them to end up? Fantasy 1: I wake up one morning and feel completely obsessed with him at every level. We jump each other and live happily ever after. Fantasy 2: He is killed in a tragic bus accident. Because this would make you not the bad guy? Do you think this is a cowardly step like having an affair would be? Because if I were faced with the real threat of losing him I think I might get some clarity about whether I really want to be with him or not. At least you thought he looked handsome! It was one of those pictures that accentuates everything good and camouflages everything bad. It was almost a perfect picture. He could used it on a Christian dating site. Just kidding.
Prudence Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 I think your fantasies are telling and worth listening to. So if your number 1 fantasy is that you and your H rekindle passion and you have physical attraction to him, then it probably means that you want to work things out and stay together. And yes, first steps are hard. The Rut is much easier. We humans can be so lazy! My number 1 fantasy is divorcing my H and living happily ever after with my co-worker. Number 2 fantasy is divorcing my H and just having a relationship with my co-worker. It takes a while in my list of fantasies to get to one that involves staying with my husband.
Prudence Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 SR, this morning I told my husband that maybe us sticking together wasn't the right thing to do. I know it hurts him so much, and yet I feel kind of cold about it inside. I guess that's because I'm the one wanting to leave, I'm the one interested in someone else. I feel bad for him. I'm sorry to hurt him, but I felt it was better to be honest with him. He's a great guy and has many great qualities. I don't know what is going to happen.
Author Storyrider Posted March 3, 2007 Author Posted March 3, 2007 ...I feel kind of cold about it inside. I guess that's because I'm the one wanting to leave, I think this is also your heart's way of preparing itself for some of the touch actions you will have to take. I'm the one interested in someone else. Is this guy interested in you as well? Is he available? I feel bad for him. I'm sorry to hurt him, but I felt it was better to be honest with him. He's a great guy and has many great qualities. I don't know what is going to happen. It does sound like you were honest. Your conflict is mainly over not wanting to hurt him. As I said, you seem pretty clear about your own feelings. Well, keep me posted.
Prudence Posted March 3, 2007 Posted March 3, 2007 I think this is also your heart's way of preparing itself for some of the touch actions you will have to take. Yeah, maybe. Or it's me just being selfish; it's hard to tell sometimes. I like your possibility better than mine, though. It's hard to believe that things are moving in this direction. It's a good thing you're not rushing into anything. Is this guy interested in you as well? Is he available? I think he's interested. We flirt quite a bit. In my mind, I think it very likely that we would go out at least once if I were single. But, I'm trying not to have any false illusions or fantasies that this guy and I are going to be together forever or get married or anything. I'm trying to keep my decisions about my marriage separate from my feelings about my co-worker. I mean, it's obvious that one has influenced the other, but I'm trying to be realistic and not do something for the wrong reason. And yes, this guy is available. It does sound like you were honest. Your conflict is mainly over not wanting to hurt him. As I said, you seem pretty clear about your own feelings. Well, keep me posted. Thanks. It's so nice to have people to talk to! I appreciate getting feedback and the thoughts of other people. I hope you will find some clarity about your own decisions and what you want to do. It sounds like you want to try working it out with your husband.
RecordProducer Posted March 4, 2007 Posted March 4, 2007 Storyrider, I didn't read the replies here, except the first few, but I don't think you can get your true answer from people on this board. We can only make guesses based on our own feelings, not even on other people's experiences, since people don't really talk about these things openly. You can find people who feel like you, but they are - also like you - very confused and unaware of what's going on. My suggestion is that you seek advice fron an expert - a sex therapist. There are many possibilities of why you don't like having sex with your husband. If you hadn't had many sex partners and all of them sucked in bed, it's possible that you just don't know any better and your husband simply is not as good a lover as you think. If you'd been sexually abused, that could be the reason, too, if not directly then perhaps your husband wasn't supportive enough about it. You could also hold some resentment toward him or you could feel pressured about sex and have the Pavlov's reflex: whenever sex happens, you know you don't want it so the association of it is uncomfortable. I think the main question is: do you get horny when you don't have sex? Do you get horny when you see a porn scene? If you do, but simply don't want sex with HIM then it has to do with your feelings for him. If however you don't feel very horny normally then your libido is simply low and sex is an obligation. You need to know the exact answer so I would seek professional advice, if I were you.
Author Storyrider Posted March 4, 2007 Author Posted March 4, 2007 Thanks, Record Producer. You're right that others can only offer their subjective opinions, and they can't be flies on the wall in my day to day situation. Therapy is probably one of the next steps. It has been helpful to bounce this off some people, and also just to get some of my thoughts and feelings in writing. To answer your question, I've never been sexually abused. I'd had other sex partners before my H. but I wouldn't say many, in the scheme of things. I met him when I was 22. I did become sexual fairly young, at 17. But none of my sex partners were extremely experienced-- they were all college-aged boys or younger. I can remember messing around with certain boys in HS (just making out, etc.) and then being perplexed and devastated to be ignored in the hallways at school the next day--I'd assumed they came onto me in the first place because they liked me. Huh, what did I know? I guess my pre-sexual experiences consisted of things like that. Then I had one serious boyfriend in HS, and we lost our virginity to each other. He was sweet, smart and truly loved me, but he was suffering from petite mal epilepsy and depression, threatened to commit suicide while we were together, and so that put a damper on the relationship. Then I was in three other relationships in college, one right after the other. Finally I met my husband, who was much less experienced than myself. Today, I would certainly not describe myself as an extremely horny person. I don't orgasm from driving my car, as some women on LS have said. Too bad! However, I have become more sexual as I've reached my late 30s. It would be perfect if this increased my desire for my husband. That is what I'm struggling with.
Prudence Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Storyrider, I was just wondering how things are with you? Status quo? How are you feeling about your relationship? As you may have seen from another thread, my husband I will be filing for divorce. Well, I'm the one filing. We sent in some preliminary forms and this company will put the legal docs together and then we'll sign those and then it will be filed. Hope you are ok!
worriedsick Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Today, I would certainly not describe myself as an extremely horny person. I don't orgasm from driving my car, as some women on LS have said. Too bad! However, I have become more sexual as I've reached my late 30s. It would be perfect if this increased my desire for my husband. That is what I'm struggling with. Not that I'm happy anyone else is unhappy like me, but I feel the same way. I love my H and we have a good life, except for when it comes to sex. I rarely initiate it (a couple of times a month) but when I do, it's more because I want sex with a BODY, not really with him, and "doing myself" just won't cut it anymore. Sometimes when he tries to initiate sex, I actually get pissed that he is touching me, and reflexively my body jerks away from him. I feel horrible about this and usually end up giving up to sex when he initiates just so he won't get mad at me, and because I feel like a b*tch. Other aspects of our marriage are good, and I wish this one issue would "catch up" to the other ones. I, too, sometimes think I want a divorce, but then when I think really hard about it, I don't. I do love him, I just am not attracted to him anymore. I know he can sense it in me, but I don't know what else to do either! Sorry I don't have any advice, just reiterating the fact that you're not alone!
Author Storyrider Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 Tonight we had this conversation: Me: I sometimes wonder if we should've had sex early on, way before we got married. H: Are you kidding, after the first six weeks you already wanted to back off. Me: What do you mean? I don't remember. (I have a bad habit of not remembering serious conversations from the past. He remembers every word.) H: Yeah, you kept telling me things were way too intense. You didn't even want to kiss me anymore. You wanted things to be more casual. Me: Well, maybe having sex a bit before that happened would've been the natural progression of things. H: No, if we'd had sex then you'd have gotten what you wanted out of the relationship and moved on. You were so messed up at that time in your life. You were driving me nuts. The only thing that saved the relationship was that you went to grad school and we were long distance for a while. You hadn't been on your own without a boyfriend in five years. You were crazy. Me: Well, maybe we should've had sex later then, after I moved back, when we were living together. H: No, we were still working through so many issues then. You had so many problems--psychological, spiritual, emotional; having sex would have just clouded things. Besides, you wouldn't even kiss me then, remember? Me: Well, maybe you should have broken things off with me. Why didn't you? H: I thought about it. But I kind of liked you (intended as an understatement.) Me: I still think maybe if we'd had sex it might have made things more natural. H: I don't see why you think that. There is absolutely no evidence for that. Me: Well I guess the other option would have been to end things, if I wouldn't even kiss you. Maybe that was a sign that we weren't sexually compatible. H: I know you think that. You've made it perfectly clear many times that I'm not what you want sexually. At that point our younger daughter came in crying b/c she had a nightmare about something called a Squeeble from TV. That ended it.
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