Wife left me. Thoughts?

[mental_traveller]

Should mention that the wife thought the trip to San Diego was just fine even though the OM was there, and I was home with the kids. As stated, I remained silent.

 

Stop lying down and taking it up the ass, man. She is treating you like a doormat and you are just lying there, no wonder you are pissed off!

 

You need to be proactive and take charge again, get back in control of your life. If you didn't like her going in a trip with this guy, then why didn't you tell her? Why didn't you say that the moment she steps on the plane, she was going to get served with divorce papers??

 

Look, what's done is done, you can't change that. But you can change your own reaction & behaviour. Cut her off, make a clean break, leave her and find someone who is actually deserving of your companionship.

[hurting_in_nw]

I can't speak from personal experience, and you should probably listen more to people who have been through a similar situation, but it does appear she treated you very shabbily.

 

16 problems over a 10 year marriage, which are moderate at best (arguments over spilling paint, argument at a party - 1.6 per year!), that's not a disaster. Women tend to remember rows & disagreements much more than men, so you should bear that in mind - you may have forgotten but she didn't, and you forgetting might have made her think you were insensitive, but even so, that's a bit over the top of her to react that way. Were any of the problems more signficant? Any disagreements over career, finances, other women, the kids?

 

To be honest it looks like she has become emotionally unstable as a result of these stresses and tragedies she has experienced. But there must have been some underlying problem for her to react negatively instead of turning to you for support.

 

I think you did the right thing in calling her bluff and asking her to move out. Also the right thing in restricting contact. I would stop the texting too. And I think it was a mistake to stay on the same street, although you seem to be handling that ok.

 

The key question here is do you, deep down, really love her unreservedly? Or do you feel the way she treated you is sufficiently bad that it damaged your feelings irreperably. I have to confess, if it was me, I don't care how the kids take it, I would be divorcing her and never speaking to her again. IMO she had the option to communicate her concerns to you all these years, she rebuffed you and then had an affair at work (with a married man, no less). For me that would be unforgiveable. *Everyone* eventually loses friends & loved ones, do you think they all run off with the first guy who wants to get into their pants? This is no excuse for her having an affair and treating her husband and marriage vows like a turd she just stepped on. In a real marriage, both husband and wife support each other in times of crisis, they don't run off with someone else. What you went through is the result of someone who doesn't have the first clue what marriage means, who is self-centered, selfish, unreliable, and grossly inconsiderate of your feelings.

 

You must be hurting, but in your post you come across as someone who is heading 80% in the right direction, which is about as well as can be expected given the circumstances. I think you are right to focus on the future and move on. Yeah, your kids won't like a divorce, but kids are resilient, much more than parents think. Chances are they will handle it better than you or your wife. 1 year for a kid is an eternity, and they will develop and move on, adjusting to the new situation.

 

Think about what may happen if you try to reconcile. Your wife took her marriage vows, then shat all over them and had an affair with a seedy, unfaithful married co-worker. She doesn't understand the obligations of being married and having kids, she is a bad mother and did not give two figs about their needs while she was drooling over this guy. If she was unreliable over a marriage, what makes you think she will take reconciliation any more seriously? It is only because of pressure from her friends that she has moderated a bit. Consider her mother too, this sort of behaviour tends to run in families. Really, I think if you try to reconcile, there is a good chance that she'll make an effort at first, enough to sucker you in, but then 1-2 years later it will be the same story again. Don't let her play you for a fool, actions speak louder than words and her actions are screaming at you to run as fast as you can out of this relationship.

 

My instinct here would be to just get the hell out of dodge. Get a good attorney and file for divorce. Cut her out of your life completely, and speak to those of her friends & family that you are acquainted with, explaining the situation so that they understand your side of the story. Tell your family the whole truth, and IMO it would be a good idea if you ask them not to speak to her, to prevent her trying to manipulate them against you. Sit your kids down and explain as best you can. Then, clear your head, go total no contact, change your mobile phone & home phone numbers, and get on with life. You are only 35, you sound like you are in a reasonable situation otherwise, you'd have lots to offer to any sane woman. Just look at all the threads on here moaning about the lack of good men - you acted pretty good and most women would be very appreciative of having the type of marriage that your wife abused and walked away from. So, move on, tie up the loose ends, and get back to enjoying life. Don't let this woman cause you any more pain than she already has.

 

m_t, even though this wasn't directed at me, it fits my situation to a T and I wanted to say thanks! Great post...my STBXW did pretty much exactly what stampy's W did, married man and all. I have told her that I just can't swallow that and stay in contact with her and have any sort of amicability with her. I know there will have to be some because of our son, but as far as I'm concerned, she is the one who committed this atrocity and destroyed so many lives, I don't feel bad about telling anyone that wants to listen. And I've learned as well by the reactions of her family that she is much like her mother--run from the truth if it's too ugly to deal with. I don't play that way, and I don't care if it makes people uncomfortable. I believe life is about learning, and if you constantly run away from the hard parts of life, you're failing.

[mum2three]

So why do most people expect us to hymm and hog about the truth otherwise" we are hurting the kids". You're right, WAS have to own up to the truth even if it hurts and sucks. I won't embellish on the sitch or give explicit details if someone asked me but I'm not going to lie and say there is no 3rd party involved either.

[Stampy]

I do think things like this run in the family. It goes back to the sports analogy I posted. Some people that you play sports with quit playing on you when your team gets down a try (touchdown, goal, run etc.).

 

I've learned over the years never to say never, but there's no going back on this one. Even a month ago I would have thought differently. In fact we're only 4 months post separation. But even now things are just too f-ed up, too far gone. A little disappointed that I havent yet got the crying phone call in the middle of the night (read: booty call) but then again the STBXW has been constantly been trying to get me to meet with her to "discuss things" and let her tell me her feelings (read: unload some of the guilt she's feeling).

 

Its funny. Its Easter weekend and I have the kids. The STBXW left me 2 weeks before Christmas. Christmas of course wasnt what it usually is for me. I tried to put on a brave face. I had the kids then too, but I just couldnt wait for it to be over. Now, another holiday time with the kids. My family has all gathered in town, including enough kids that we all are going crazy. And the STBXW isnt even an issue. We had a great Good Friday, lots of fun with the kids etc. and it only occurred to me today (sat) that none of us even thought about the STBXW. My comfort level at those events makes me happy.

 

Thurs was her 31st b-day. I broke down and had our daughter make her a picture, but didnt call or give her greetings in any other way. She emailed me about our son during the day. I responded about him, without passing on greetings.

 

Mind you, while I say I'm totally past this stuff, its not entirely true. Last year on April 4 (her bday is April 5) I threw a private chef's table for her at a fancy restaurant - food and wine pairings etc. for 12 people. Cost me $2k but was well worth it (at the time). I cant forget the fact that of the 10 invited guests (other than me and the STBXW) was the very OG that eventually had an affair with the the STBXW. Ouch. Still havent bumped into him anywhere.

 

But I am actually looking forward to Easter Sunday with the kids and family. Wouldnt have guessed that a while ago.

[Stampy]

I did tell the STBXW that she cant expect me to be friends with her after what shes done. She still doesnt get that one.

 

In the first two months post-separation, I told her that I admit my wrongdoings and I would work to be better. (actually this is true, I know a couple of things I will do differently next time) Anyhow, she got into an email rant just this week about how it was really all my fault and why wont i admit that I had anything to do with this. I just ignored. I'm done fighting on this issue.

 

Its kind of funny to be back in the game. I had to toss out the old Irish Spring soap and the Right Guard deodorant. In comes the Lever 2000, axe gel and axe soap. Maybe I should never have brought in th Irish Spring in the first place?

[Guest]

Its kind of funny to be back in the game. I had to toss out the old Irish Spring soap and the Right Guard deodorant. In comes the Lever 2000, axe gel and axe soap. Maybe I should never have brought in th Irish Spring in the first place?

 

Hehe, same here Stampy. I've lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks (yay Divorce Diet), I got a nice haircut, and some new Hugo Boss cologne. The chicks at work are already checking me out. Even though I have no desire to move to that part of my life yet, it sure is good for the old self esteem. Funny thing is, my wife has never looked worse.

[El-Producto]

 

Its kind of funny to be back in the game. I had to toss out the old Irish Spring soap and the Right Guard deodorant. In comes the Lever 2000, axe gel and axe soap. Maybe I should never have brought in th Irish Spring in the first place?

 

 

Hehe, Stampy I'm in the same boat. I've lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks (yay divorce diet). I got a new haircut, and bought some Hugo Boss cologne, something which I never wear. I've already got women at work checking me out. Even though I'm nowhere near ready to move on in life, it sure is good for the old self-esteem. Now I just need to start eating again

 

PS, I was thinking of writing a book called the Divorce Diet. It would sell millions, probably get me on Oprah. I've tried dieting before, but man what some stress, devastation and heartache will do for the wasteline.

[PWSX3]

Hehe, Stampy I'm in the same boat. I've lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks (yay divorce diet). I got a new haircut, and bought some Hugo Boss cologne, something which I never wear. I've already got women at work checking me out. Even though I'm nowhere near ready to move on in life, it sure is good for the old self-esteem. Now I just need to start eating again

 

PS, I was thinking of writing a book called the Divorce Diet. It would sell millions, probably get me on Oprah. I've tried dieting before, but man what some stress, devastation and heartache will do for the wasteline.

I know this is a little off topic, but I feel it is worth discussing. That is great that you have lost weight and it sounds like you have tried in the past. I personally have never worried to much about my weight, I figure be the size you are just because everyone I hear talks about; I've been on this diet, I've been on that diet, etc.

 

What has worked for me since I also started losing weight on what I call the separation diet is educate myself a little and now I eat 5 meals a day. Just like we are learning more about marriage & relations, I am learning about health. Use the divorce/separation diet to get you started losing that weight but also use this time to change your eating habits so you can keep losing weight.

 

My W is lucky so far, because we are trying to work things out so she is getting to enjoy the new me....

 

Being a male I have noticed woman that have gotten divorced all of a sudden start looking better, they start taking care of themselves & I just couldn't understand it. Why didn't they do that when they were married???

 

Well now I understand after going thru it myself. It REALLY makes you feel good when you do something for yourself, & just like you guys are doing, just changing a hair style, or the cloths you wear really make you feel better about yourself and that is the bottom line, doing things to make yourself feel good.

 

Sounds like you both are really doing well, keep up the work & when you get those little moments of what just hit me (and you will) you will be able to scrug them off & keep moving forward.

[ilmw]

I know this is a little off topic, but I feel it is worth discussing. That is great that you have lost weight and it sounds like you have tried in the past. I personally have never worried to much about my weight, I figure be the size you are just because everyone I hear talks about; I've been on this diet, I've been on that diet, etc.

 

What has worked for me since I also started losing weight on what I call the separation diet is educate myself a little and now I eat 5 meals a day. Just like we are learning more about marriage & relations, I am learning about health. Use the divorce/separation diet to get you started losing that weight but also use this time to change your eating habits so you can keep losing weight.

 

My W is lucky so far, because we are trying to work things out so she is getting to enjoy the new me....

 

Being a male I have noticed woman that have gotten divorced all of a sudden start looking better, they start taking care of themselves & I just couldn't understand it. Why didn't they do that when they were married???

 

Well now I understand after going thru it myself. It REALLY makes you feel good when you do something for yourself, & just like you guys are doing, just changing a hair style, or the cloths you wear really make you feel better about yourself and that is the bottom line, doing things to make yourself feel good.

 

Sounds like you both are really doing well, keep up the work & when you get those little moments of what just hit me (and you will) you will be able to scrug them off & keep moving forward.

 

 

Hey PW.. good post

 

Its nice to see a post in here...that does not concentrate only on someone's relationship... but on also on self improvement.

 

You have shown over the months... how you have grown and changed. I also see you are talking the talk, and walking the walk. You are maintaining that which you claimed. Still going to the Gym... eating properly...etc

 

You not only learned about relationships... you learned about your own health...

 

You are a great example of self growth.. and recovery

 

ilmw

[Stampy]

This was an interesting set of posts. Im starting to think that marital strife every so often is good for you for these reasons. For instance, I honestly did not know that most guys are trimming their pubes. I play rugby with lots of guys in their early 20s and I did not notice (in the shower etc.). I was discussing this with a friend and his GF and she told me that I needed to "sort myself out" (ie. get trimming). When I got married you were either shaved or not, their was no trimming.

 

Plans are still on with the young lady.

 

STBXW still very annoyed that I dont want to talk to her. I'm trying to introduce her to the concept of one-way communication - if she needs to tell me something, I dont usually need to respond and vice versa. She isnt getting it.

 

It was my daughter's b-day on friday. We still havent sorted out how to do that so she got two parties. Anyhow, this weekend kids are at STBXW's place. I was out w the guys and I started getting texts that my daughter really wanted to stay at my place. Bad sitch, but I eventually relented, came home from the bar and stayed home w my daughter (15 month-old son stayed with STBXW). Brutal. Impossible sitch. Daughter phoned me crying that she wanted to see me, even though she saw me as recently as friday morning.

[El-Producto]

 

Being a male I have noticed woman that have gotten divorced all of a sudden start looking better, they start taking care of themselves & I just couldn't understand it. Why didn't they do that when they were married???

 

 

I'd have to say my wife is doing the opposite. She looks worse every time I see her. She looks like hell, very tired and overworked. I guess that's what happens when you are pulled in many different directions, i.e. work, children, affair, divorce. Ironic since one of the reasons she said that she is leaving our marriage is so that she can be independent and free from my "controlling" ways. I sure bet she wishes she had me to help out with the kids, and housework now.

[sumdude]

I'd have to say my wife is doing the opposite. She looks worse every time I see her. She looks like hell, very tired and overworked. I guess that's what happens when you are pulled in many different directions, i.e. work, children, affair, divorce. Ironic since one of the reasons she said that she is leaving our marriage is so that she can be independent and free from my "controlling" ways. I sure bet she wishes she had me to help out with the kids, and housework now.

 

 

I've noticed that about my X too. Even though she looks a bit better physically her face is incredibly drawn out tight and her eyes look pretty whacked out. Lots of stress going on there. I think I'm doing better than she claims to be.

[sumdude]

This was an interesting set of posts. Im starting to think that marital strife every so often is good for you for these reasons. For instance, I honestly did not know that most guys are trimming their pubes. I play rugby with lots of guys in their early 20s and I did not notice (in the shower etc.). I was discussing this with a friend and his GF and she told me that I needed to "sort myself out" (ie. get trimming). When I got married you were either shaved or not, their was no trimming.

 

Plans are still on with the young lady.

 

STBXW still very annoyed that I dont want to talk to her. I'm trying to introduce her to the concept of one-way communication - if she needs to tell me something, I dont usually need to respond and vice versa. She isnt getting it.

 

It was my daughter's b-day on friday. We still havent sorted out how to do that so she got two parties. Anyhow, this weekend kids are at STBXW's place. I was out w the guys and I started getting texts that my daughter really wanted to stay at my place. Bad sitch, but I eventually relented, came home from the bar and stayed home w my daughter (15 month-old son stayed with STBXW). Brutal. Impossible sitch. Daughter phoned me crying that she wanted to see me, even though she saw me as recently as friday morning.

 

Let her be annoyed, it was her choice for things to get to this point.

 

The two birthday party thing is probably the best way to go.

 

I wish I had better advice in regards to kids. Somehow you have to make it clear to them that in no way are they responsible for the breakup. So many time kids will take that guilt upon themselves. Also that there is nothing they can do to change it. That both the parents love them even though the parents may not love each other. Don't badmouth the x to them ever whatever your feelings are.