Wife left me. Thoughts?

[mum2three]

I get it, LS thinks i'm new member b/c i changed my email. He knew my old one so just getting paranoid. Will PM if I can.

 

THanks!!!

 

Btw, your D process really moved at the speed of lightening. I wish I can understand the male thinking. YOurs feels like 3 days while I pined over 3 months. I just felt guilty (to my kids) if I filed.

[Stampy]

dont misunderstand me. I havent actually filed. Here it wouldnt make sense to because you have to be separated for 1 yr before you can ask for divorce. Just split everything up through a formal sep agreement. I can always go back on that. I left back doors.

 

To try to explain my thinking:

 

1. Protect myself now. Split everything up while she feels guilty and we can reasonably split our assets. She didnt challenge my home appraisal etc. etc.. We can always break out of this (undo everything if we somehow reconcile) but I wanted to act quickly in case we do the D route. This also negates her claim to half my ongoing income and I may have some income coming that I want to protect from her greedy fingers.

 

2. I wanted to throw the hard cold reality on her. Sort of legally point out that this is the road that she's chosen. Seems to me that women have a hard time with the finality of things. (you are a perfect example!!!). My W has this delusion that we will still have sunday dinner together and jointly take the kids to the zoo etc. etc.. I wanted to point out, no we are separated. That means lead separate lives - not this hybrid relationship you envisioned in your fog.

 

3. I need to get on with my life and I cant even take a stab at doing so until we are separated. Again, not my choice, but the reality of the situation I am faced with. No point hanging about. But I also believe that a watched pot doesnt boil, so if my W is to escape from the fog, it will only be because Im moving on.

[mum2three]

Thought I'd visit your thread. I do like the 80/20 rule especially when it comes to eating. So I don't feel guilty getting cheese fries and eating some of it with a few left overs.

 

Your wife sounds like she is doing some self reflection even if her thoughts about the M failing is slated. At least she is not cold and hateful towards you like my H. I don't know if that is because your WAS is female. It is just hurtful to be treated this way by someone you made vows and had children with especially when they were just brought into this world by two loving parents!

 

Stay away from the R talk. Let her figure it out and approach you. How are the kids doing? Do they seem like they miss mom when you have them? You seem to be holding up real well given the sitch.

 

Btw, the Maple Leaf tatoo is cool but maybe not peck size. haha:cool: That reminds me of when I was in Vancouver with my H several yrs ago I found Maple Wheaties at the supermarket. They were awesome! We don't have that in the States.

[Stampy]

I thought I'd posted a response to this. WIll try again.

 

Yes, the W is certainly not cold and hateful. Your husband is tough to figure out. I susepct that you are just seeing the male version of the "fog". I would agree that the female version is the better one. But let me say that they are both hurtful. I would suggest that, in the beginning at least, just plain old being shut out, suddenly, was pretty brutal. And I have already expressed my frustration at the reinvention of the marriage. But I'm sure it would be even worse if she was barking at me and saying brutal things to me.

 

I really cant figure your H's sudden change, but I really suspect that its the "fog". How you can just snap and go from a great family environment with kids etc. to hating your W, boggles my brain. As I said earlier, What the F*ck?

 

I mean I ask the same questions, and really they are unanswerable. I appreciate your advice about letting the W approach me. I was really in two minds on this over the weekend as she had read the WAW link and said she understood that we are a classic case. She appeared to be trying to reach out, so I nearly gave in. But I held off.

 

Very strange about the kids. I would say that the W hasnt had a weekend wholly on her own with them since June, though I consider her a great mother. My sister had mentioned this to me. Sure enough the W had the kids this weekend and on sunday calls me and says that our daughter has been asking to come over and play with me. I offer to head to her place and play hockey with her in the front yard. Then my daughter calls me and says she wants to come over and play in her room (remember I'm in the original home). So I had my daughter for 3 hours while I'm sure my W slept while our son slept. Very strange, though I'll be out of the country for 12 days in March and the W will be on her own then.

 

The kids miss her a bit when I have them but not often. One morning my daughter had a nightmare about her mommy disappearing so I had her call my W and speak to her. That sort of thing.

 

And the maple leaf would only be the size of my thumb.

[Stampy]

2 quick update thoughts.

 

first, the wife had the kids on her own for the 4th time this past weekend. Sure enough, the phone rang and she said my daughter wanted to come see me on sunday. Painful though it was I let it go to message and didnt see my daughter. I get them both tonite.

 

2. Man, my wife doesnt get it. I had told her that I just dont want to talk to her, dont want to see her etc.. Then I get a message from her telling me that the reason that she keeps talking to me about the kids is to keep some sort of communication open between the two of us. I was tempted to write back that I purposely dont want to talk to her but thought that I'd leave it alone.

 

She continues to tell me that she hopes that eventually I will come over to her place and have sunday dinner with her and our kids when its her weekend etc.. I find this frustrating as I have told her the opposite many times. I replied by saying that she has to move on, and she has to realize that once we are divorced, I will NEVER come by her house or have sunday dinner with her and that we will not be friends. Crikey...why is this so tough?? She left me!! I didnt want her to, but she did...why wont she let me move on?

 

(as an aside, in the back of my head I ask in what universe would someone think that I would want to have sunday dinner with her after she left me? This is messed up)

 

The same day she told me that she would like to come over to my place and talk one of these days because we havent talked about "this" in the 3 months since she left me and there are some things that she'd like to say. Strangely, when this request came, my gut reaction was to say no. Never would have guessed that this is what my reaction would be. Mind you, its not like she told me that its all been a mistake. Frankly I'm not sure what she wants to talk about, but my prediction is that she still feels guilty about all this and wants to talk to me, primarily to relieve her guilt.

 

Strange stuff, all this. I told her that she could come over if she gave me an agenda ahead of time. I know that makes me seem like a prick, but this whole thing was initially very painful for me and I have no great desire to talk about it again if the whole point is just to make her feel better.

 

Who knows, I have no idea what she wants to talk about.

 

I asked the W to speed things up, so her lawyer is drafting a divorce petition (we call it a Statement of Claim). But I leave the country for two weeks on Thurs.

[Gunny376]

I agree with you ~ and if it was me ~ I'd be more of a hard ass about it than you are.

 

No! I don't want to talk to you ~ I'm done talking! You want to talk? Talk to my lawyer.

 

No! I'm not your buddy, your pal, your friend ~ I'm your STBXH

 

No! We're not going to hang out, do things togther, have dinner together.

 

Back when I was going through all of this, it was back before the internet, e-mail, texting, etc. Nowdays? If she needs to get up with me ~ she can use one of those mediums.

 

But, then again I've a knack for ~ as my last LTR GF put it ~ "Falling Off The Face Of The Earth" for days, weeks, months at a time, and with some people years.

 

IMHO, what the deal with her is ~ she's wanting to do exactaly what you said in your last post ~ she's wanting to alievate her guilt and remorse ~ I'd tell her to go to IC or something ~ I'm not your counselor, priest, rabbi, ~ zilch!

 

All I am now is the guy that you walked out on ~ and STBXH!

[Stampy]

I appreciate your points. I actually dont mind the communication by email or text. I dont start it mind you, unless absolutely necessary, but it is a perfectly painless, faceless way of communicating as we need to - for instance about our kids who have had all manner of viruses lately, etc..

 

I dont like it when I have to see her. Its a bit painful and I would prefer to avoid that.

 

But I appreciate your take. I was hoping that I wasnt misreading things. I mean, seriously, if my W was actually contacting me to say that she wanted to work on things or something like that, I would at least hear her out. But not if shes just doing it to make herself feel better.

 

She did tell me a while back that she was going to IC but I have no idea how that went.

[Gunny376]

Well if what I've read from your last post ~ what I'm getting is ,...............you're not crazy! (And, I know in the emptiness of your own place and space ~ you sometimes feel you are ~ having gone through this BS)

 

 

But, for real! Aside from reconcilation talks, you and the STBXW really don't have anything to discuss that can't be handle via text messages and e-mails!

[Stampy]

I appreciate your perspective here - very much.

[MoonGirl]

Stampy,

 

NC is the way to go.

 

Can you find a 3rd party to communicate through? For pick up and drop off of kids?

 

Does your wife know that you would speak to her about trying to work things out?

[Stampy]

Moongirl,

 

we do pick up and drop off the kids directly from daycare so the norm is not seeing each other. However on holidays and when the kids stay home because they are sick, we end up seeing each other.

 

I think my wife knows that I would speak to her about trying to work things out but who knows for sure. Like I said, I'm gone out of the country for two weeks on Thursday so there will be some contact to call my wife to speak to my daughter, but no chance to meet up. whew.

 

Got an email from her today politely warning me that she is likely going to change her name. I knew it was coming, but its still ****ty to hear.

[MoonGirl]

That's good that you're able to arrange pick up and drop off at daycare and not see your W.

 

Ooooh...you know, if you're not sure if she knows you're willing to work things out, maybe you should tell her??? Even if it's not likely it would happen, at least you'll know that she knows.

 

Sorry to hear about the name change.

[mum2three]

It seems hard for you to detach when your wife wants to continue to be friends yet she still has her own agenda and isn't sorry for anything. I have to say my H made it easier for me to detach b/c he is doing NC except for when I go back to see the kids. Then it's minimal which is fine with me. I have no desire to be friends with someone who deceived and betrayed me.

 

I know how you are feeling now. It is interesting to compare our sitch and how we handle rejection and ending the M. Stay strong. I know you have alot of anger and resentment. You have kept it bottled up. Strange how you mentioned that you and W did not really discuss this whole thing and now she wants to address it. My H would be happy if we just closed this chapter and he never saw me again. We haven't discussed much in person either. Initially I emailed him on my thoughts and feelings but obviously was a waste of time. Maybe the most frustrating part is not having explicit explanation for closure. I think closing my heart is the best closure right now.

 

Take it one day at a time. If D is really what you want then move forward with it. Do you think your W might not want a D yet? Maybe you can hear her out b4 filing the petition. Seeing it on paper seems so finite if you really don't want it. Good luck.

[Stampy]

well I agree with you - who would want to stay friends with their ex under these circumstances. I've got lots of friends. Friends who dont pull these sorts of stunts.

 

A friend of mine was over when the W dropped off the kids in day and he asked if I feel angry when she comes by. The simple answer is yes. Much easier if she just stays out of my life. One of those books was helpful and I try my darndest to deal with her without emotions - though its hard.

 

No idea if the W wants a D right now. I suspect that she would delay it. But its now been 3 months since she physically left me and longer since she mentally left me, so its time to move on. Plus I need to protect myself. Shes actually filing the documents - paying the fee and I want her filing should my kids ask me questions in the future etc.

[mum2three]

about the WAS filing so that our kids will know that we did not want this. It's a stupid technicality but represents our stance on the sitch.

 

I understand how you feel about the friendship thing too. I think it's bogus even though everyone will tell you that "if anything for the sake of the kids blah blah blah...." That's full of s**t for me right now. Friends don't do you in like this to the bitter end. Maybe i'll feel different years down the road but i have nothing to lend to this kind of R without getting hurt again.

[Stampy]

After this polite warning about the name change, the W called last night and I looked and saw that her name on the call display has been changed to her maiden name. Today is 3 months to the day that she left. OMG! Needless to say, I was pretty thrown by this. I changed my own message to emphasize that myself and the two kids have the same last name.

 

Confusion. I wonder if this isnt the result of the fact that I finally got off my backside and did some things last week. I tend to wait until I'm flying to do things - dont know why that is. I'm far more likely to be killed in my hometown than on a flight, but whatever. Anyhow, I finally got her off title to my house, changed my will, changed the beneficiaries under my life insurance and...took her name off my call display.

 

Anyhow, as mentioned, I didnt answer the phone when she called. Then she proceeded to call 7 times, leaving a different message each time. I leave tonite out of the country for 12 days and had already made my mind up that I wouldnt contact her again prior to leaving - she knows I'm going. I'm attending a friend's wedding in the UK and am travelling with 8 friends, so its a guy's tour.

 

Anyhow, silly little requests, the only one of significance was that she wants my contact info. Well, the upshot is that I have none. I'm not staying in one place for more than 2 nights. But I'll have my cell phone, which I'm taking just so I can call my daughter once or twice and can check in with the office.

 

Sure enough she has called me at work. Didnt answer that one either. WTF? If she needs to find me (something serious happens), she would be able to find me. After all, she knows where I am going and who's wedding it is. ALso, she could break down and call my parents. But likely i will text in a few days to let her know I have my cell.

 

I feel weird about this but she should know that I will have my cell (she always takes hers to the UK) and I think its just an attempt to get me to contact her. I'd prefer not to contact her prior to leaving - even it makes me look like a dickhead. And the truth is that I'm pretty peeved at the sudden name change. Petulant.

 

I am staying one night with a couple we were friends with.

[MoonGirl]

Good for you. NC can be healing - and since she already knows where you're going and what you're up to, I think you have every right to avoid talking to her.

[Gunny376]

Good for you man~!

 

Your latest post was outstanding ~ simply outstanding!

 

She's doing everything she can to play silly games ~ and to needle you.

 

Way to man up!

 

even it makes me look like a dickhead

 

What do you care what she thinks, she obviouslly doesn't give a damn about what you think, or your feelings. She's moving on with her life, you should do the same.

 

Before this is all said and done ~ she's going to be pissed off when you find someone else, whether its a casual date or a new love interest.

[Stampy]

thanks you two for your posts. That helps. I really dont want to contact her today. She's really behaving like a petulant child. I mean the upshot is, I still love her, so it can be hard to deal with her like this, but I guess the truth is I love my wife, not this person. We were together ten years and I dont think she ever played any games with me during that time - we always just talked about things. She was never childish etc., so WTF?

 

By the way, Gunny, the needling is working, but she doesnt need to know that. I had a friend over last night. I had told him about her polite warning about the name change and then suddenly the phone rang and we were both flabbergasted at the call display. Then the 7 phone calls was almost like being stalked. Very strange. I guess thats the response that NC evokes? Who knows.

 

Anyhow, thanks a million for responding so quickly. I feel better sounding it out. I was feeling guilty about not sending a note saying I have my cell (hell, what if something happens???) but it should be a no-brainer to her that I will have the cell w me and this is just a game. I mean, when we were together I never gave her "contact info" when I went to the UK to visit friends, why now?

[Stampy]

Gunny, just re-read the last line of your post about me finding someone else.

 

Isnt human nature funny. In the last three months, I have made out with only one gal - truthfully, this gal attacked me and I just didnt put up any resistance. But I'm heading over with lots of guys to the UK, some married, some divorced, some engaged etc. etc.. We're going out on the stag and to lots of bars other nights , and spending one night in Dublin. Anyhow, being the braggart jerk that I am, I was betting a friend of mine as to how many women I could "snog" on the tour. I kind of figured this was as good a time as any to re-release myself into the wild. I've hesitated thus far.

 

Anyhow, this week I was having second thoughts...until I got the polite warning about the name change. That triggered me that there really isnt any reason to hold off - particularly 7 time zones away. So if you are correct, isnt it strange that her behaviour kick-started me into doing this very thing? Its weird, but I certainly (finally) feel up to it.

[Gunny376]

Gunny, just re-read the last line of your post about me finding someone else.

 

 

Isnt human nature funny. In the last three months, I have made out with only one gal - truthfully, this gal attacked me and I just didnt put up any resistance. But I'm heading over with lots of guys to the UK, some married, some divorced, some engaged etc. etc.. We're going out on the stag and to lots of bars other nights , and spending one night in Dublin. Anyhow, being the braggart jerk that I am, I was betting a friend of mine as to how many women I could "snog" on the tour. I kind of figured this was as good a time as any to re-release myself into the wild. I've hesitated thus far.

 

 

Anyhow, this week I was having second thoughts...until I got the polite warning about the name change. That triggered me that there really isnt any reason to hold off - particularly 7 time zones away. So if you are correct, isnt it strange that her behaviour kick-started me into doing this very thing? Its weird, but I certainly (finally) feel up to it.

 

If it was me, I'd party and have a good old time as though I'd just got back from Iraq, with two years back pay.

[Stampy]

Thought I'd post a quick update on my situation.

 

Got back from the two week holiday and it was like normal from returning from a holiday. Great relaxing pleasure (or in my case a lot of booze, friends and bad food) and you return to the brashness of everyday life.

 

The W, as you may remember, changed her name back before I left for the holiday. (after only 3 months of separation) Well I returned to find that she changed her name at work professionally and the whole nine yards. That was quite a kick in the nuts.

 

Anyhow, she had sent me lots of texts, mostly about the kids, while I was on holiday and in the first few days I was back. I replied to none of them. She finally sent me an email asking if I wasnt getting them or was I ignoring them. I replied that I would only contact her in case of emergency or serious problem with our kids, but otherwise would not contact her. She suggested we needed to talk about all sorts of things, such as ballet classes, piano classes etc.. I said I would only talk about emergencies. I know this is ****ty of me, but my W is famous for struggling with the most basic decisions. She can face decisions for herself now.

 

I did phone from holiday for my kids. Spoke to them once. On one occasion I spoke to my father-in-law. That was weird. We had a totally normal conversation. Talked about rugby and where I was on holiday. As I said totally normal conversation but weird nonetheless.

 

Anyhow, as much as a kick in the nuts as the name change was, it was a strangely freeing experience. I mean I now know for sure that there is no going back. She has changed her name at work etc. etc.. Prior to the name change, I wondered if the W would come out of the fog and we could work things out. Now I know that wont happen. I feel bad for my kids about this, but there you go...

 

Started a semi relationship with a young lady - you know...holiday romance etc.. She is seriously younger than me, so you'd think I was going through a midlife crisis. I just need to buy a fast car. Anyhow, instead of thinking of the W regularly, I think about getting emails from this young lady and chatting with her. The usual fun stuff at the beginning of a relationship. I feel like I've been re-released into the wild.

 

Its not what I wanted, but my W seems so alien to me right now. It seems cliche, but I really dont know who she is right now. She definately isnt the person I was married to, so in that sense, the name change is totally appropriate. Strange days.

[Stampy]

I spent a night with some couples that we were friends with. I enjoyed it very much. As the women in this group were essentially university friends or roommates of the W, I just assumed that I would lose touch with this group (which would be too bad for me). We are talking about very good friends of my W, one of whom is her best friend.

 

Anyhow, the surprising upshot was that I think I'm going to keep these friends myself. They are mostly parents and said in a very nice and professional (not Jerry Springer) way that they were getting fed up with my W. I can see those friendships fading away. I actually feel bad for the W on this one, but presumably her friends are not telling her what she wants to hear.

 

My W told me she is having a small b-day party for our daughter in a couple of weeks. Only one of her friends is attending. Plus two kids from d/c. Pathetic. My poor daughter is the one suffering here.

[Sup]

Your Ex-wife will be suffering in a few years when she wakes up, but, by then it will be too late. IMO, your wifes loss is YOUR gain, I mean, look at what you got here, a young, pretty, probably skinny woman, pratically drooling over you, much better looking than your EX, lots of these betrayed men on here are just dreaming about your reality, wishing they had it so good right now, so what's to complain about your life, except the children having a problem.

[Stampy]

well you definately have a way of putting a positive spin on things!