Moved out... What next?

[bklk1227]

Yeah I agree. She does have a boatload of emotional issues that she is sealing with in therapy, but I cannot wait for her to sort those out. I feel badly that after years of urging she has decided to enter therapy now, at a negative point in our relationship.

 

But it is what it is. I am moving forward with the divorce. I now need to limit my contact with her which is kind of hard to do, but from this moment on I need to do just that.

 

She wants to go to a mediator for the divorce, but I am not sure that can be successful due to the high emotion affair garbage going on.

 

I really just want to be past this limbo stage. I need to feel like I am doing something because ultimately I am feeling pretty powerless right now. No contact and moving forward with divorce is the way to go.

 

Damn this sucks.

[Sup]

Make sure YOU get back in that house, TODAY! She'll even use that against you if she can. I would go sole custody of the children if at all possible. You just commited a power play on her, and she doesn't like it, stick to your guns, and take the Divorce to the wall. Does she have a Lawyer? If not, too bad, so sad! And remember to protect your assests. Don't give her an inch!

 

Oh! I have a feeling Mr. Reality has just walked in the door on her.

[bklk1227]

Sup - you said it... she is scrambling... She has made an appt with a mediator for Thurs. I will go with her to keep her from seeing a lawyer just yet. I am covered as far as being out of the house legally.

 

My lawyer is moving forward with the filing - he is basically asking for "everything" in the initial filing. Sole custody is what we're going for.

 

She is definitely no longer in control of when and how this marriage ends.

 

I love her and part of me feels badly for her, but as much as I had to deal with the reality of her affair and the hurt and anger of that - she needs to deal with the reality of divorce and all that comes along with that as well. She'll have her 25 y/o boyfriend to cry to as long as it isn't past his curfew...

 

I'll keep you posted.

[Sup]

DON'T get Cocky BKlK1227, somehow someway there's almost always a catch or slip up, or she'll FIND something to use against ya. Anyway, do you know how long they were seeing each other? If he was under 18, that's child rape, or something, and that's Illegal in ALL 50 states. Depending upon state laws of course. Yeah, I would keep her away from a Lawyer as long as possible, it makes YOUR case much better, and possibly stronger. I hope you are using her affair Fog to keep her off balance, looks like it. I wouldn't drag this out, or let her drag this out, I would strike while the Iron is HOT! But, I would think the faster that this is done, the harder it will be that she could turn this on ya. Don't fall for ANY of her tricks, like Honey I'm soooo sorry, making like she's coming back to you, buttering you up etc., she may try that. Make sure with your Lawyer that there are NO loopholes for her to use against you during and after all of this is said and done! Dot all your i's and cross all your t's on this one, MAN! Lastly, make sure it's a NO SPIN ZONE!

[bklk1227]

Oh trust me... I am far from cocky right now - I just had a moment of strength there

 

She is at the point that she will only accept sole custody of the kids. She is convinced that anything less than that would be damaging to the kids. Well, I guess she should've thought of that before rewriting our marriage and having her affair. She wants to move with the kids on Mar 1. I had to hold back laughter as I explained to her that it really isn't that easy and that we needed to agree on custody and a parenting plan.

 

She has oversimplified this to the point of treating it like a high school breakup. She wants to use my address so that my older daughter can stay in her school. She also wants my parents to watch my younger daughter at no charge(as they have been) while I pay full child support. Clearly, her sole custody is a financial issue and has nothing to do with the children's best interests.

 

She still has not figured out how she will finance her summer months - 8 weeks no pay. She used to have my income to offset those two months(she is a teacher and they only pay 10 months a year). She is so poorly planned out. She is about to get a dose of reality and realize that she is risking losing her kids at least 50% of the time. I will not agree to sole custody and whats good for her is good for me.

 

She also is not considering that my home is a mother/daughter. My parents live in a separate area of the house and provide childcare for the children while my wife and I are at work. Since her affair started my mother has been unknowingly taking care of my kids while my wife carries on. The stability my home offers is head and shoulders above what her 2 bedroom condo offers. My attorney thinks I am in a VERY good position.

 

Not cocky at all. Just anxious to be past this point so that I can continue forward with my life. :D

[Ladyjane14]

Mr. Reality don't play.

 

For what it's worth, I think you're doing what you need to do. Your wife might wise up, she might not. Who knows?

 

But it's not right for a good, hard-working man, to lose everything dear to him... just because his wife flaked out. (Same goes in reverse actually.)

 

What is your reaction going to be if she does come to you with a reconcilliation offer?

[Gunny376]

Oh trust me... I am far from cocky right now - I just had a moment of strength there

 

She is at the point that she will only accept sole custody of the kids. She is convinced that anything less than that would be damaging to the kids. Well, I guess she should've thought of that before rewriting our marriage and having her affair. She wants to move with the kids on Mar 1. I had to hold back laughter as I explained to her that it really isn't that easy and that we needed to agree on custody and a parenting plan.

 

She has oversimplified this to the point of treating it like a high school breakup. She wants to use my address so that my older daughter can stay in her school. She also wants my parents to watch my younger daughter at no charge(as they have been) while I pay full child support. Clearly, her sole custody is a financial issue and has nothing to do with the children's best interests.

 

She still has not figured out how she will finance her summer months - 8 weeks no pay. She used to have my income to offset those two months(she is a teacher and they only pay 10 months a year). She is so poorly planned out. She is about to get a dose of reality and realize that she is risking losing her kids at least 50% of the time. I will not agree to sole custody and whats good for her is good for me.

 

She also is not considering that my home is a mother/daughter. My parents live in a separate area of the house and provide childcare for the children while my wife and I are at work. Since her affair started my mother has been unknowingly taking care of my kids while my wife carries on. The stability my home offers is head and shoulders above what her 2 bedroom condo offers. My attorney thinks I am in a VERY good position.

 

Not cocky at all. Just anxious to be past this point so that I can continue forward with my life. :D

 

DAMNNED! I want me some of that stuff that she's smoking!!!!!~ :p

[bklk1227]

Gunny - Yes she should really share whatever it is that makes her think she is entitled to the world... :lmao:

 

LJ - That is a great question... The reality is that if she asked for a reconciliation I certainly would walk away and think about EXACTLY what that would mean. At this point I might say yes for the kids sake, but I would be reluctant because of what my expectations are of her. I am not sure she could meet the conditions of a reconciliation.

 

So - I am focussed on where we are right now. And right now we are extremely far from reconciling. So the divorce train has left the station... I am just tryng to keep it on track.

 

-B

[Sup]

Oh trust me... I am far from cocky right now - I just had a moment of strength there

 

She is at the point that she will only accept sole custody of the kids. She is convinced that anything less than that would be damaging to the kids. Well, I guess she should've thought of that before rewriting our marriage and having her affair. She wants to move with the kids on Mar 1. I had to hold back laughter as I explained to her that it really isn't that easy and that we needed to agree on custody and a parenting plan.

 

She has oversimplified this to the point of treating it like a high school breakup. She wants to use my address so that my older daughter can stay in her school. She also wants my parents to watch my younger daughter at no charge(as they have been) while I pay full child support. Clearly, her sole custody is a financial issue and has nothing to do with the children's best interests.

 

She still has not figured out how she will finance her summer months - 8 weeks no pay. She used to have my income to offset those two months(she is a teacher and they only pay 10 months a year). She is so poorly planned out. She is about to get a dose of reality and realize that she is risking losing her kids at least 50% of the time. I will not agree to sole custody and whats good for her is good for me.

 

She also is not considering that my home is a mother/daughter. My parents live in a separate area of the house and provide childcare for the children while my wife and I are at work. Since her affair started my mother has been unknowingly taking care of my kids while my wife carries on. The stability my home offers is head and shoulders above what her 2 bedroom condo offers. My attorney thinks I am in a VERY good position.

 

Not cocky at all. Just anxious to be past this point so that I can continue forward with my life. :D

 

 

I HIGHLY suggest that YOU go for Sole Costody still. Can you use the fact that your parents were taking care of the children while your wife slept around? PLEASE tell me you asked your Lawyer about that one!? MAN!That woman did an about face FAST! She wants to play HARD BALL bud, I suggest you beat her out on this. I have a feeling that she's gonna try to make you pay for her Condo, or whatever. Pay Nothing. Don't agree anything with her, and DON'T let her move with the children, even aquire an enjunction to stop her if you can do that. Like I said before, DON'T give her an inch! Or you WILL regret it for the rest of your life! This is gonna get UGLY!

[bklk1227]

Well, we went to my daughter's therapist who I wanted to hear weigh in on what she thought was best for the kids as far as custody.

 

She said based upon her initial work with the girls and seeing our interactions with them she thinks that anything less than a 50/50 deal would be devastating to both girls. MY WIFE FREAKED! It was her first dose of reality - you see the therapist is also a court appointed advocate and we can use her if we were to go to a custody trial. So my wife was banking on her saying 50/50 is bad for the kids.

 

Of course, now my wife is attacking ME saying I am trying to take her kids to punish her and get back at her. That this is my way of controlling her and now she knows she made a mistake marrying me?!!?

 

She told the therapist that she "read so many things saying 50/50 is bad for the children". The therapist responded that most of those articles are biased and do not take into account the specific situation. The therapist agreed that in 75% of her cases she does reccomend against seeting up a parenting plan that way. BUT in this case she thinks it is necessary for the good of the kids.

 

So now my wife says "she will try not to commit emotional suicide". Any insight as to what that might mean? Should I be concerned as she is with my kids?

 

I need to limit my discussions with her as they are mostly attacks on me, my fathering skills, my work ethic, and my dedication and love for my family... I found myself on the defensive last night... until I finally said - "You can have this conversation with your therapist or your boyfriedn, they are more apt to buy the BS... I know what I am and what I am not. I no longer need you to validate it."

 

We also met with a mediator yesterday who also inormed my wife that the process is 6-8 months long... not the 6-8 days she'd like it to be.

 

Welcome home Reality... so nice to have you back! Stay as long as you like.

[PWSX3]

 

Of course, now my wife is attacking ME saying I am trying to take her kids to punish her and get back at her. That this is my way of controlling her and now she knows she made a mistake marrying me?!!?

Why wouldn't she blame you, it couldn't be her fault. Just like I have been told, it's a lot easier to blame someone else then to take the time to look at our own problems and deal with our own demons.

 

So now my wife says "she will try not to commit emotional suicide". Any insight as to what that might mean? Should I be concerned as she is with my kids?

I feel it's just another way of her trying to get you to feel sorry for her, her little pitty party for herself. I have read it many of times on here, don't believe anything they say & only believe half of what they do.

I found myself on the defensive last night... until I finally said - "You can have this conversation with your therapist or your boyfriedn, they are more apt to buy the BS... I know what I am and what I am not. I no longer need you to validate it."

The only person you have to worry about is yourself and what you do. If what she is saying bothers you then do just what you did, tell her you don't have to listen to it and you don't want to listen to it.

[Sup]

Well, we went to my daughter's therapist who I wanted to hear weigh in on what she thought was best for the kids as far as custody.

 

She said based upon her initial work with the girls and seeing our interactions with them she thinks that anything less than a 50/50 deal would be devastating to both girls. MY WIFE FREAKED! It was her first dose of reality - you see the therapist is also a court appointed advocate and we can use her if we were to go to a custody trial. So my wife was banking on her saying 50/50 is bad for the kids.

 

Of course, now my wife is attacking ME saying I am trying to take her kids to punish her and get back at her. That this is my way of controlling her and now she knows she made a mistake marrying me?!!?

 

She told the therapist that she "read so many things saying 50/50 is bad for the children". The therapist responded that most of those articles are biased and do not take into account the specific situation. The therapist agreed that in 75% of her cases she does reccomend against seeting up a parenting plan that way. BUT in this case she thinks it is necessary for the good of the kids.

 

So now my wife says "she will try not to commit emotional suicide". Any insight as to what that might mean? Should I be concerned as she is with my kids?

 

I need to limit my discussions with her as they are mostly attacks on me, my fathering skills, my work ethic, and my dedication and love for my family... I found myself on the defensive last night... until I finally said - "You can have this conversation with your therapist or your boyfriedn, they are more apt to buy the BS... I know what I am and what I am not. I no longer need you to validate it."

 

We also met with a mediator yesterday who also inormed my wife that the process is 6-8 months long... not the 6-8 days she'd like it to be.

 

Welcome home Reality... so nice to have you back! Stay as long as you like.

 

 

Mr. Reality has Officially "Walked in the Door". Did you wife accuse you openly to the therapist? Could that be used against her as verbal abuse? Because the therapist was witness to the event. The FACT that SHE said that you were trying to get back at her by punishing her, pretty much sums up that SHE knows everything that she is doing, and with whom.

[bklk1227]

Well, Mr. Reality and I have moved back home. Found out she was with OM a week ago on her first night away from the kids, so that confirmed my gut (should've went with it all along).

 

I returned on Saturday and haven't left since. She isn't happy aboutthat but we seem to be getting along OK as long as we do not talk about the divorce stuff. She went on for almost 45 minutes about her job last night. Almost felt like old times... and I started to realize that while Reality is setting in she fails to see what she will really be losing.

 

The wrok week is always tough because she sees her OM and I get the negative fallout from that at home. I will just avoid the barbs.

 

My rational approach to the failure of the marriage seems to unnerve her as well. I have to say this board has a lot to do with my understanding of the symtoms that caused the end of our marriage. Too bad she spent her time outside the marriage with her OM rather than seeking out why she was feeling the way she was.

 

Mediation begins on Mon. My attorney is ready to file when I give him the greenlight.

 

Moving forward...

[Gunny376]

Well, Mr. Reality and I have moved back home. Found out she was with OM a week ago on her first night away from the kids, so that confirmed my gut (should've went with it all along).

 

I returned on Saturday and haven't left since. She isn't happy aboutthat but we seem to be getting along OK as long as we do not talk about the divorce stuff. She went on for almost 45 minutes about her job last night. Almost felt like old times... and I started to realize that while Reality is setting in she fails to see what she will really be losing.

 

The wrok week is always tough because she sees her OM and I get the negative fallout from that at home. I will just avoid the barbs.

 

My rational approach to the failure of the marriage seems to unnerve her as well. I have to say this board has a lot to do with my understanding of the symtoms that caused the end of our marriage. Too bad she spent her time outside the marriage with her OM rather than seeking out why she was feeling the way she was.

 

Mediation begins on Mon. My attorney is ready to file when I give him the greenlight.

 

Moving forward...

 

Be strong, Brother ~ be strong!

[bklk1227]

Well, I took my daughter to her therapist for the first time alone today. The therapist and I had the initial meeting(without my daughter) and she basically said that she didn't want to appear biased but she couldn't understand why my wife was ending the marriage.

 

She thinks my wife needs more intensive therapy as the whole thing is very conceptual to her and she doesn't believe that the marriage is ending for her in reality. She also said that at this stage, any attempt for me to move on will be met with resistance from my wife.

 

So the outburst in front of the therapist last week didn't win her any votes. My daughters' therapist would like to try and work with us in "parenting conferences" to try to prevent what she thinks will be a very damaging situation for my wife and the kids.

 

Not sure I am into it - I told her that I would continue to move forward with mediation and divorce. But I do have a lot of respect for this therapist. I think the work she does is phenomenal.

 

We don't see her again fro about two weeks because she is on vacation and a lot can happen in two weeks.

 

My gut tells me tonight is my wife and OM's Valentine's Day... Hope they have fun... :D

[whichwayisup]

Wow, I'm completely stunned on how much she has her head stuck up her own ass. Sorry to be blunt and rude about it, but she really hasn't a clue wtf she's doing. Her judgement, thinking, the way she's handling herself is SO screwed up.

 

I mirror what Gunny is saying - Stay strong bro!

[Sup]

Keep going on the Divorce. By the time she wakes up, it'll be too late. I suggest moving on.......

[Gunny376]

Keep going on the Divorce. By the time she wakes up, it'll be too late. I suggest moving on.......

 

 

:lmao: :lmao: Sup! What's Up! (Like how that rhymes!)

 

Divorce is not the panacea for

 

AIDS

STD's

Cancer

World Hunger

World Peace

The Common Cold

Global Warming

Global Thermonuclear War

Hicups

Snezzes

Watery Eyes

Runny Noses

Allegeries

Boo-boo's and

least of all

 

 

Dust Bunnies :bunny:

 

Just laughing with you, and having a little fun! :D

[whichwayisup]

Sup! What's Up! (Like how that rhymes!)

 

That made me laugh!

[Sup]

:lmao: :lmao: Sup! What's Up! (Like how that rhymes!)

 

Divorce is not the panacea for

 

AIDS

STD's

Cancer

World Hunger

World Peace

The Common Cold

Global Warming

Global Thermonuclear War

Hicups

Snezzes

Watery Eyes

Runny Noses

Allegeries

Boo-boo's and

least of all

 

 

Dust Bunnies :bunny:

 

Just laughing with you, and having a little fun! :D

 

 

OKKKK? What was all that about? WAZZUP!?

[bklk1227]

Well, thing have been up and down... I am at home for a couple weeks now... Wife continues contact with OM but I have been good about just focussing on the kids and being civil(if not nice) to her.

 

And then yesterday... She put a shirt on my 2 y/o that she bought while out with OM. I had asked her NOT to do that, because it just seemed to rub salt in an extremely fresh wound.

 

She did... and the massive amount of control I have been showing cracked and we argued last nigth into today... And then on my drive to the bus stop this morning I passed OM a good 2 hours ahead on when they are supposed to be at work... So I followed him and when he pulled into the school parking lot, I watched as he just sat in his car. When he saw me pulling up he started to get out... I simply rolled down my window and said "Your girlfriend will be late this morning because she has to be a mom first and get her kids ready for their day... sort of like your mom did for you this morning junior"... and I drove off...

 

So as much as I've controlled myself the last several weeks the last 24 hours sent me over a little.

 

Progress is slow going towards divorce because she has NO way to move out. She wants me to foot the whole bill for her new place and I just can't do it.

 

Maybe I am 30% in denial that this is going to happen still(even though I have sent the divorce paperwork back to my attroney to process) but this is really a tough thing to grasp when less than a year ago we purchased our dream home and this time last year were talking about a 3rd and final child.

 

I have to get my control and compsure back for the kids sake. I want to be strong for them...

[jmargel]

As long as she knows she is getting to you the more she will do it. She put that shirt on your child for that very reason. As hard as it is, the best thing would be to ignore it.

 

Anytime she starts on you just say 'If you have anything to say about that, you can go through my lawyer' and then just ignore her. I would go as far as starting to go out on a date or two with a female friend. As long as she's not facing any consequences for her actions she'll continue to act like an immature child. Like the therapist says, she still thinks the divorce won't happen. Just like a child thinks a parent will never leave them no matter how bad the child treats the parent.

 

I would try to limit as much contact with her as possible. Her telling you about work.. Just say 'I am no longer interested in that part of your life, since you have decided our marriage is worth nothing' then just walk away. Blow her off completely. No contact unless absoleutly necessary.

[Gunny376]

I agree with jmargel.

 

She has a total disregard for your feelings, and is totally dis-respecting you, your marriage, and your family. So, why should you give a damn about her whatever other than the children.

 

I realized its hard to see that your objective is to drain the swamp, when your covered up to your azz in alligators, snakes, and Lord only knows what else, but you've got to think the bigger picture, and the long run. And, whenever you give into to you emotions, and let them take over, that is counter to your overall, longterm objective ~ which is to get through this as much of your self-worth, self esteem, sanity intact as possible, so that you can get on the road to recovery, and the rest of your life.

 

Not only do you lose ground ~ everytime you throw dirt, you need to remember that anything you say or do can and will be use against you in a court. Some women intentionally set there husbands up, and provoke them so it will throw them off their "game" and thus giving them additional material to use in court. A lot of women go into court and outright lie to begin with ~ why help them in the process? If someone's going to hang me ~ I'll be damn if their going to use my rope.

 

I'm not even going to tell you to "man-up" the fact that there's no need for a preacher, a mop, a bucket, and some yellow crime scene tape tells me that you already have given your current living situation.

 

You had a weak moment ~ that's all it was. Shrugg it off, and work on the game that count ~ your inner game. Work on identifying and improving on those areas of yourself, your life, and making the best of a bad situation. Adapt, improvise, and overcome.

 

Having gone through this, and having come out the otherside, I can testify to you that there is a life after all this crap, there is a life ~ and a good life at that ~ after divorce. I've been married, (12 years) and shacked up with another one (6-1/2 years ~ won't ever do that again) and I've deliberately, intentionally have been living single for the last nine. Its all what you make of it ~ and ultimately be it a divorce or break up ~ when you boil it down to the bottom of the pot ~

 

 

 

all it means is that you've got to get up early in the morning and find you a brand new lover ~ DAMN THE BAD LUCK ~ SO MANY WOMEN ~ SO LITTLE TIME!

[MoonGirl]

I have to get my control and compsure back for the kids sake. I want to be strong for them...

 

Yes, you do.

 

And, trust me, life without the person who is making you miserable is MUCH better than life with them.

[Sup]

Gunny, would it be wise, since his wife's turning up the heat on BK, If BK turned UP the heat on her OM, I mean by calling his parents and informing them of his continued actions? I mean she was PISSED last time it happened. I figured why not turn the heat WAY UP! In a non-violent way of course. What do you think?