OUCH! She moved out yesterday morning.

[sumdude]

Hard time not obsessing about her today. Started thinking about what she said in counciling.

 

" I'll come back if

1. No drinking 2. No sister in law.

I have a certain time frame in my head."

 

That date could be the year 3000 for all I know.

 

So I try the serenity prayer, breathing exercises etc. I tell myself I'll be OK whatever happens and that I'm going to be happy today.

 

Still it sucks to look back and see the things I could have done so much better. Not just the drinking though that probably affected all of my decision making but the other things.

 

So I'm staying sober, I'm not calling her. She's out of town on business and even though the agreement was 1 call a day she is going incommunicado. So I'll just live my life as best I can.

 

Can the ladies or anyone explain the not talking thing?

[Art_Critic]

Hey Sumdude.. you haven't posted in a while.. How's it going ?

[sumdude]

So it's been a month since she suddenly moved out. I've stayed away from the alcohol. We had one joint session with the councilor and then I did a solo 'cause she had to fly to Atlanta for her new job (she says). I've stayed at work, been going to a my own councilor, on a diet and working out 5 days a week. Lost 15 lbs and feelin pretty good. That's about a 1/4 of the way to my goal weight. Realizing that my own self doubts and insecurities were behind a lot of this. As well as her own. Add a huge load of stress over the last 2 years and things just went to hell in a handbaket..

 

One downside is that I'm still dealing with some anxiety and am bit obsessed with her and what she's doing. I'm pretty sure a lot of what she's telling me about her current situation isn't exactly true but I try let that go. Kept it under control pretty well until I made a little slip the other night. For some dumb reason I decided to call her dad just to let him know I was doing OK. Well, that just set her off. According to her he called her drunk late at night and then at work and just caused a bunch of crap. So her response was to blame me for everything and stop the counciling. I realize that I slipped and broke one of the buster rules. Still I can't be responsible for her dad's actions either. She could be looking for any excuse to push things to a close. I get a little gut feeling I'm not getting the true story from her but at this point, whatever. Gotta let it go and live my life. Maybe later we can work things out, or not.

 

So I was sitting at work today and a light bulb suddenly went off. Time to get outta dodge for a while. Checked some flights and called an old buddy. Flying to FLA for some warmth, healing ocean and distance from everything for 10 days. Not a bad thing to see some ladies in bikinis either. Not planning for any action but nice scenery never hurts. I'll come back more relaxed ,a bit thinner and tanned. Then I hope I'm better able to deal with this stuff.

[sumdude]

So I'm in FLA enjoying the weather and able to do some clear thinking now. The Wife eventually called and we talked for a couple of hours. She's not ready to trust me. She doesn't know whether to believe that I have truly changed the things she wants me to change. Can't say I blame her. One thing she's said more than once is that she not sure if she would be coming back to love me or to punish me. A hard statement to understand but I guess there is still too much anger for her to be able to move towards reconciliation yet. Maybe she'll never be able to let that go and forgive. In which case I'll keep living my life. She's made a 180 in so many things in the last couple months that it's hard to know where she really stands. I'm feeling pretty good overall, coming to FLA to break the cycle I was in was the best idea.

[Art_Critic]

So I was sitting at work today and a light bulb suddenly went off. Time to get outta dodge for a while. Checked some flights and called an old buddy. Flying to FLA for some warmth, healing ocean and distance from everything for 10 days. Not a bad thing to see some ladies in bikinis either. Not planning for any action but nice scenery never hurts. I'll come back more relaxed ,a bit thinner and tanned. Then I hope I'm better able to deal with this stuff.

 

So I'm in FLA enjoying the weather and able to do some clear thinking now. The Wife eventually called and we talked for a couple of hours. She's not ready to trust me.

 

I'm confused sumdude.. you posted these 2 posts 7 mins apart..

 

In one post you say you are at work and going to go to FLA and in the next post it says you are in FLA enjoying the weather..

 

Are you okay ?..

[whichwayisup]

I was wondering the exact same thing AC.

 

SD,

It sounds like you both have your own issues to work on alone before thinking of getting back together. I know it's hard not to, but try not to think so far ahead...Baby steps, one day at a time. Work on yourself for YOU, not just for her.

[jmargel]

Could be he has a time warp machine that we don't know about

[dropdeadlegs]

I noticed the timing of the two posts as well, but I distinctly remember the "One month into separation" post as being there days ago. Very strange, indeed, but just wanted to help clarify.

[sumdude]

Sorry for the confusion. I started a different thread with the one month update a few days ago. I didn't know if anyone read it so added it as an update for this thread and will keep adding to this one from here on out. So those posts really are a few days apart. FLA is really good for me and it does look like we each need to deal with some things for a while. Going NC for a week made it possible for us to communicate a bit better. Since I tried everything else it seemed that doing nothing was the best course of action with the Wife. There is some hope for the marriage but certainly no guarantees. Between the help here, some counciling and a lot of books I've been reading I'm really starting to level off. Didn't realize how much the alcohol was affecting my emotional state as well as the short and long term withdrawal which can include anxiety. Put a sudden separation at the exact same time and what a roller coaster it's been.

[dropdeadlegs]

Two very big life changes at once can certainly be overwhelming and cause much anxiety.

 

You seem to be handling it well, kudos to you. Remember that regardless of how the marriage pans out, you are making large strides in correcting some personal behaviors that will only help you in the future.

 

Keep up the good (hard) work. I hope your vacation alleviates some of the anxiety, even if only short term. Enjoy yourself!

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for clearing up the time frames there...lol

 

DDL is right, all that you've been through does cause anxiety, so make sure you take good care of yourself.

 

Some little things that will help you cope with your anxiety - Drink alot of water, try doing yoga or if you aren't interested in that, walk daily. Cut out or cut down on caffeine, sugar and starchy foods. Switch to whole wheat pasta, brown bread. It makes a difference!

 

Have fun in Florida and just forget all your stresses.

[Art_Critic]

Didn't realize how much the alcohol was affecting my emotional state as well as the short and long term withdrawal which can include anxiety.

 

that is what I like to call the fog.. it lifts slowly and when it does that is when you start to feel again..

it takes about 3-6 months for the long term fog to disappear..

One of the things I found that helps is a good exercise regiment and eating right with a good set of vitamins..

 

Keep it up.. Your wife hasn't closed that door yet and as your fog lifts the issues are easier to fix..

[sumdude]

So I came back from FLA to the cold and snow last night. Yesterday before I left my wife called me. We ended up on the phone for hours. Finally started talking about things that went wrong and how we felt which was good. Able to talk about it without getting too emotional so I feel like I've turned one corner as far as myself and sobriety. It's a daunting thought to never drink again. She told me that she's changed a lot regarding her ideas about her future, children (we don't have any), career etc. She likes where she lives and what she's doing right now.

 

We agreed to meet today. She came by and I gave her the mail from the house. We talked some more, went out for lunch. She was impressed with the weight I had lost and how I was doing with the drinking. She's still sad and angry that it took things to get to this point for that to happen. She apologised for the deception leading up to her moving out. She's not sure what she wants just yet. Isn't ready to trust that I'll not fall off the wagon. I can respect that. It's only been 6 weeks. We've agreed to meet once a week and talk etc. This is all going to take time to figure out. A few months at least. There's comfort to know that there is still love there. Whether or not it will become a full marriage again remains to be seen. A lot of water has passed under that bridge.

 

The best advice has come from some folks here as LS and a lot of the marriage books I've read. Take care of yourself fisrt! Let it go for a while and look inward, try to understand how you got here. Think about your goals needs and future for yourself. Face your part of what led to the problems and see where you need to change. If you don't this marriage and any future ones will likely end up the same. Take care of youself and life will unfold as it is supposed to. Give your spouse the space to do the same things. When you both get centered and more self confident then you can start to tackle the marriage and find out if it can work again. I hope mine does but I'm also starting to feel that whatever happens one way or another I'll be OK.

[dropdeadlegs]

Very healthy and inspiring post, sumdude.

 

Continued luck for your success in all the areas you spoke of.

[Art_Critic]

Very healthy and inspiring post, sumdude.

 

Continued luck for your success in all the areas you spoke of.

 

I agree...

 

Keep it it Sumdude.. you are on the right path...

 

and remember that staying sober for the rest of your life isn't loosing anything.. it is gaining everything.

Don't dwell on that daunting feeling.. it will go away and when you do feel it try and replace it with memories of why you are sober today..

 

[Gunny376]

Outstanding post SD, very inspiring and in-sightful!

[sumdude]

Thnaks you all, you've been a big help. On the plane when they were doing the safety lecture I saw a parallel to my situation.

 

"Make sure to put on your own oxygen mask first before trying to help others."

[Gunny376]

On the plane when they were doing the safety lecture I saw a parallel to my situation.

 

"Make sure to put on your own oxygen mask first before trying to help others."[/quote]

 

Eveytime I hear them tell you that ~ I think to myself ~ "Well HELL, I was going to do that ANYWAY?!!!!!!!!

 

And, then they go on to tell you how you can use your seat cushion as a floatation device in case you crash land in the water ~ FORGET THAT! I want to hear about the one that's going to bounce my ass across those corn fields!

[ilmw]

So I came back from FLA to the cold and snow last night. Yesterday before I left my wife called me. We ended up on the phone for hours. Finally started talking about things that went wrong and how we felt which was good. Able to talk about it without getting too emotional so I feel like I've turned one corner as far as myself and sobriety. It's a daunting thought to never drink again. She told me that she's changed a lot regarding her ideas about her future, children (we don't have any), career etc. She likes where she lives and what she's doing right now.

 

We agreed to meet today. She came by and I gave her the mail from the house. We talked some more, went out for lunch. She was impressed with the weight I had lost and how I was doing with the drinking. She's still sad and angry that it took things to get to this point for that to happen. She apologised for the deception leading up to her moving out. She's not sure what she wants just yet. Isn't ready to trust that I'll not fall off the wagon. I can respect that. It's only been 6 weeks. We've agreed to meet once a week and talk etc. This is all going to take time to figure out. A few months at least. There's comfort to know that there is still love there. Whether or not it will become a full marriage again remains to be seen. A lot of water has passed under that bridge.

 

The best advice has come from some folks here as LS and a lot of the marriage books I've read. Take care of yourself fisrt! Let it go for a while and look inward, try to understand how you got here. Think about your goals needs and future for yourself. Face your part of what led to the problems and see where you need to change. If you don't this marriage and any future ones will likely end up the same. Take care of youself and life will unfold as it is supposed to. Give your spouse the space to do the same things. When you both get centered and more self confident then you can start to tackle the marriage and find out if it can work again. I hope mine does but I'm also starting to feel that whatever happens one way or another I'll be OK.

 

Sd.

 

I have to say.. that this post was terrific... You have the right attitude... keep it up... and you will see such a difference.. in everything...and like you said... "whatever happens...one way or another.. I'll be OK"... No truer statement could be said.

 

Keep doing what you are doing... and you will feel the past burdens slide off your back like melting snow... and you will feel so much lighter... and bouncier in your step. Through your trials... you will gain much self pride... and this alone... is worth what you.. I ... WE... are going through...

 

Stay strong.. stay focused.. and like Adam Sandler says.. (in almost all of his movies)... "You can do it"

 

ilmw

[whichwayisup]

You're doing great SD! And, focussing on yourself is definately making things easier.

[sumdude]

Man this is such a roller coaster! Yesterday was a very up and down day. Now that I'm back home and in my life again it sinks in again. I'm still way better off than I was before the trip though. One way or another I'll make it through a better person.

 

ILMW I read your thread, wow there's a lot you've been going through. I realize I've been going through some of the the same things. The grasping at crumbs, trying to put a good face on every word etc. It's hard not to do when you love someone. Want to keep hope alive yet not set yourself up for a crash with false hope. We have no children so I can't imagine how hard this is for you and them.

 

I vacillate between sadness and anger at times. I know that my drinking and depression caused problems. I was distant and withdrawn. I know on weekends I was sleeping late and feeling crappy so I wasn't much fun then either. So if she wanted to do something I was basically unavailable and all I wanted to do was some activity that would include drinking at some point. I lost my "Alpha Male" status and became unattractive in many ways. I gained a ton of weight and was overall a bit of a mess. I know that the hens in my family pecked at her mercilessly and I didn't 'man up' and deal with that situation like I should have. But the women in my family always keep the men in the dark or out of the situati0on. My wife could have handled those situations a heck of a lot better too.

 

On the other hand I supported her while she was having trouble keeping a job. I took good care of her and always tried to keep romance alive. I'm a pretty nice guy, maybe too nice? I was not mean when drinking, just sad. She played her part in this too. Her temper gets her in trouble a lot and when she gets mad and shut me out out it only damaged the relationship. At one point near the end she did use the 'mid life crisis' phrase too. I'm 40 and she's 37 and she probably cannot concive a child. So she seems to want to live on her own for a while and know she can take care of herself without answering to anyone.

 

I know she's been less than totally truthful about her living situation right now. In fact she hasn't given me her address until yesterday which feels crazy. I just assume she has her own good reasons for that. I guess she didn't want me showing up out of the blue after a few drinks or something like that. Our only contact is the cell phone or e-mail unless we agree to meet somewhere. The deception during the last month with her sudden secret move out gets to me. I think she didn't want to give me a chance to either talk her out of it or have a VERY unpleasant scene. Nonetheless I HATE being lied to. Even though she had apologised for it. In a way it seems like the cowards way out but I just have to let it go.

 

On the good side we are talking again. She 's mostly back to conversing with me in her natural way. My wife is extremely verbal. I know most women are more talkative than men but there's talkative and then there's my wife. Buit it's OK with me, I'm a patient listener most of the time but It can be hard to get a word in edgewise. She asks me things like 'What if we just end up friends' etc. " what will you do if...". She said she feels "damned if I do damned if I don't" regarding coming back. IOW if she decides to divorce will I then go back to drinking and if she comes back will I fall back as well once the pressure is off. Truth is I have some of those same questions in my head at times. The reality has to be that I should never drink again anyway. Considering how much better I look and feel without it sounds like a good choice.

 

When it's all said and done the hope is that we'll both be stronger more focused people and find that we still want to spend our lives together. If not I'll just have to carry on. Right now the hardest thing is keeping busy. In the past when single I'd go out wuith freinds to clubs or whatever. Now that isn't an option and I need to find new ways to have fun and explore life. It's a challenge I have to face. Like what the hell am I doing this weekend?

 

Wow, this turned out to be a long post. Thanks for reading and all the support!

[sumdude]

OK, so now I wonder if I'm being toyed with. Last week she made the plan to get together once a week and see what happens. We decided on Tuesdays. Tonight was to be the first get together. I cleaned up the house and prepped a dinner for us. Nothing fancy or romantic just a decent dinner. Anyhow she called this morning and told me she had to go an hour out of town for work and couldn't make it tonight. Understandable I suppose. I did prep myself for her to not show up tonight but it was still a bit of a bummer. She asked if I was busy tomorrow. I told her no plans as of yet. Anyhow i invited a freind and his son over so dinner and my night didn't go to waste. Still, she hasn't bothered to call me about tomorrow, which I feel is inconsiderate. If she calls in the AM I wonder if I should be busy tomorrow night? Of couse that is IF she calls. I'd hate to miss a chance to work on things but I also don't feel I should be left hanging.

[Art_Critic]

That doesn't sound as bad as you might actually feel inside that it was.. She did ask if you were busy on another day..

 

Shiot happens Sumdude.. let it go for now and let it play out more..

 

By the way.. keep it up... if you look at your posts today vs the posts of when you first came onto LS.. day and night..

[sumdude]

That doesn't sound as bad as you might actually feel inside that it was.. She did ask if you were busy on another day..

 

Shiot happens Sumdude.. let it go for now and let it play out more..

 

By the way.. keep it up... if you look at your posts today vs the posts of when you first came onto LS.. day and night..

 

Yeah I hear ya. Starting to get to that "oh whatever" stage slowly.... Learning to enjoy my life again without her OR drinking. Getting there though.

 

She's been so evasive about everything. She seems to have something to hide. Why she would bother at this point I don't know. I like to think the best but if she's doing something she shouldn't it'll bite her eventually. I think she's probably trying to 'punish' me for the past. I'll choose not to react and start being more of a mystery.

 

Whatever, her loss if she decides to give up on sumdude version 2.0 Leaner, stronger, smarter and cleaner! Lost 30 lbs in 7 weeks and about 20 more to go. Lots of ladies out there would love to get a load of me now.

[dropdeadlegs]

Lost 30 lbs in 7 weeks and about 20 more to go. Lots of ladies out there would love to get a load of me now.

The "divorce diet" is the best weight loss program out there. Too bad it usually costs so much.

 

Careful with the weight, 6 pounds per week average isn't considered within the healthy loss zone. But hey, I know how it just falls off when you are scared, lonely, anxious, and unhappy.

 

Damn, why does happiness always have to "weigh" so much for me?

 

I like the idea of you being more of a mystery, but that card would need to be played carefully given your past. It might look like you are hiding that you are reverting to your old ways of coping.