Horse Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 For me, it would be a work in progress,,, trying out different things to assess different comfort/"need" levels.... ideally-- he stops, we make our own "hot movies" and I would have no issue with lots of sex.. Sound good to me... My wife would be more anxious about the movies with her in them. She wouldn't be able to sleep knowing there is a possibility that someone else might see them. My SO (not hubby) is all that , yet the one issue is such and it IS a problem for ME not him but in turn it is a problem for US if it alters my way of thinking and feeling and being as a woman, as his partner, and as his lover. I agree... And I think it is good that you are both working together to reach a compromise. another thought as you always provoke thinking Horse: hypothetically: your wife/SO is a good woman, great mom and best friend; treats you with love and respect but she no longer likes to have as much or much sex with you at all.... then that should also not be a problem. Sounds familiar... I wouldn't demand that she must have sex with me. I would be (am trying) to be patient and find ways to encourage her to want to have sex. It would only be a problem, if it persisted for a long time. Then, despite whatever else she was doing, I wouldn't feel loved. Even then I wouldn't demand her to have sex with me. I must say, I am most impressed by the incredible resiliance to fight for your( not you personally Horse) stance/need?/fear of loss for your porn.... I fight, defend, protect the things I believe in with this kind of determination and zeal.... generally they are things like fighting for our environment, for appropriate punishement for animal abuse and child abuse, for my family... I am just impressed by how this is such a strong stand for the men! I mean really- is it THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU? My ADD meds ran out... .. and I was trying to be impassionate and rational.. Not zealous. But.. Yes. being able to do what I want with my own body/mind is important to me. And within a relationship trusting your partner, and retaining some independence are both important to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Capatinacen Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Exactly. hypothetically: If your actions aren't endangering yourself or anyone else... and what you are doing isn't unbearably annoying, I wouldn't ask you to stop. If it was annoying, I would only ask you to do it while I am not around. If you have alway done this, then I would have known that going in to the relationship and would have already decided if it was something I can put up with. If the thing that you love did eventually lead to you endangering yourself or someone else, then I think it would be understandable for me to ask you to stop. Alright that makes sense but lets say that you thought you could handle it but couldn't. Then you would like you said have to accept it. Sure you could either stay or leave but asking for it to change would be out of the question. You mentioned the execption to this and that was endangering someone else or themselves. Ok I could see that as an exception BUT it would have to depend on what you seen as endangering. The other person might not so then you would be back to either accepting it or leaving. Sounds like a no win situation. But as long as you do something you love that your SO doesn't like then she can do something that you don't like too. It's only fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Capatinacen Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Give us an example of the type of things you refer to... Mr. Lucky It could be anything that makes that other person uncomfortable. Think of something that you don't like your SO doing that she loves/likes and then see how you feel when she does regardless of how you feel on a regular basis. Link to post Share on other sites
Capatinacen Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 hypothetically: your wife/SO is a good woman, great mom and best friend; treats you with love and respect but she no longer likes to have as much or much sex with you at all.... then that should also not be a problem. It shouldn't be an issue. If she doesn't want to do it anymore then he needs to accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Okay, then why in this age there are so many children molestations, violence and pervert in sexual activity....? it isn't because of the porn? when they think it is okay for watching normal sexual porn, maybe one day they get bored, want to look what "violent sex" means, then another... porn is addictive. like drug, once into it, hard to withdraw. and things everybody do is not necessary the good thing. I think old times people's fantacy is very different from today's? think about your children, this is a bad enviorment for them to live Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 porn is addictive. like drug, once into it, hard to withdraw. and things everybody do is not necessary the good thing. That just isn't true. I have casually looked at porn for 40 years and have yet to get the shakes or cold sweats. Porn is an escape. Like any escape, if you lose your perspective in life, it gets out of whack. Here in Vegas, I see people sitting in front of video poker machines for hours on end. It's not that the game is so fascinating, it's that it offers them an escape from the pressure, stress and turmoil of other parts of their life. Blaming porn (or video poker or any other similar activity done to excess) is like shooting the messenger - it doesn't really address the problem. It could be anything that makes that other person uncomfortable. Think of something that you don't like your SO doing that she loves/likes and then see how you feel when she does regardless of how you feel on a regular basis. OK, let me give you this example. When I met my wife, she had a lot of male friends. She is active, plays tennis, raquetball, volleyball, likes sports, hangs out with the guys watching the games, etc. If I were the jealous type, would you agree that I was within my rights to say "no more guy friends"? "It makes me insecure to think about you playing tennis or hanging out with another man so from now on it's only girlfriends or me". Should she be required to give that up because it makes me uncomfortable? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Sound good to me... My wife would be more anxious about the movies with her in them. She wouldn't be able to sleep knowing there is a possibility that someone else might see them. Make a movie, watch it together as many times as you can in one day, then record over it with regular TV. This way, she doesn't have to worry about it 'getting out' one day and can sleep better. And it's a bonus for you cuz you get to view your own home made porn movie, even if you don't get to keep it for long. Link to post Share on other sites
Capatinacen Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 OK, let me give you this example. When I met my wife, she had a lot of male friends. She is active, plays tennis, raquetball, volleyball, likes sports, hangs out with the guys watching the games, etc. If I were the jealous type, would you agree that I was within my rights to say "no more guy friends"? "It makes me insecure to think about you playing tennis or hanging out with another man so from now on it's only girlfriends or me". Should she be required to give that up because it makes me uncomfortable? Mr. Lucky No she wouldn't. You would need to get over that or leave. You can't make her choose like that. Link to post Share on other sites
StayClose Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 It shouldn't be an issue. If she doesn't want to do it anymore then he needs to accept it. OK. So if a woman doesn't want to have sex anymore, AND she's uncomfortable with him using porn (not to mention strip bars & affairs), then does he just need to accept that sexual thrills are completely off-limits to him now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rtHawk Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Sounds familiar... I wouldn't demand that she must have sex with me. I would be (am trying) to be patient and find ways to encourage her to want to have sex. Horse: you patience will hopefully reap you both some wonderful benefits.... If you don't already know this, a woman loves and needs to hear, feel, sense how much her man appreciates her and her body..... and humour sometimes can undo the little funny nuances that do get in the way. Quote: Originally Posted by rtHawk For me, it would be a work in progress,,, trying out different things to assess different comfort/"need" levels.... ideally-- he stops, we make our own "hot movies" and I would have no issue with lots of sex.. Sound good to me... My wife would be more anxious about the movies with her in them. She wouldn't be able to sleep knowing there is a possibility that someone else might see them. Quote: My SO (not hubby) is all that , yet the one issue is such and it IS a problem for ME not him but in turn it is a problem for US if it alters my way of thinking and feeling and being as a woman, as his partner, and as his lover. I agree... And I think it is good that you are both working together to reach a compromise. It would only be a problem, if it persisted for a long time. Then, despite whatever else she was doing, I wouldn't feel loved. Even then I wouldn't demand her to have sex with me. yeah I get that, and alot of what I am saying is that there is a part of all of this that leaves women like me, feeling unloved and somehow no longer of desire. I must say, I am most impressed by the incredible resiliance to fight for your( not you personally Horse) stance/need?/fear of loss for your porn.... I fight, defend, protect the things I believe in with this kind of determination and zeal.... generally they are things like fighting for our environment, for appropriate punishement for animal abuse and child abuse, for my family... I am just impressed by how this is such a strong stand for the men! I mean really- is it THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU? My ADD meds ran out... .. and I was trying to be impassionate and rational.. Not zealous. But.. Yes. being able to do what I want with my own body/mind is important to me. And within a relationship trusting your partner, and retaining some independence are both important to me. oh no.. better run and refill:laugh: .. yes doing what you want and trust/ independence are all important---- yet when we choose to be in a partnership; we do have to understand that we can no longer see our own needs always... it becomes about the both of you/us/we. as an offside, I know that if someone told me I could no longer have a tv and magazines.... I wouldn't care the least..... there are so many other things in life that are more fulfilling and rewarding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rtHawk Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 OK, let me give you this example. When I met my wife, she had a lot of male friends. She is active, plays tennis, raquetball, volleyball, likes sports, hangs out with the guys watching the games, etc. If I were the jealous type, would you agree that I was within my rights to say "no more guy friends"? "It makes me insecure to think about you playing tennis or hanging out with another man so from now on it's only girlfriends or me". Should she be required to give that up because it makes me uncomfortable? It is wonderful you have a good relationship with your wife!!!!!!!!! I would say the big diff is that she is NOT having a sexual connection/getting off to those men. there is always a comparison of porn to non sexual things.... it just doesn't correlate.... shopping for shoes, reading romance novels... NO ONE I know has ever masturbated to a store full of shoes or to a romance novel...(of which I can't get into at all.... I 'd rather hike than shop and never reading romance novels) Also, if you are uncomfortable, you have good reasons to discuss it and come to a compromise with her if reasonable to both of you. and the next ? is if it did make you that uncomfortable, and I the SO know that, it is not unreasonable to give it up if it causes emotional and relationship concerns.... balance,, give and take... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 No she wouldn't. You would need to get over that or leave. You can't make her choose like that. How does that work? Your partner's porn use (by the way, with a fantasy person) makes you feel insecure, uncomfortable and diminished. So he should give it up... My partner's social interactions with other men (by the way, with real people) have the potential to make me feel "insecure, uncomfortable and diminished". Your advice to me would be "get over it" I would say the big diff is that she is NOT having a sexual connection/getting off to those men. there is always a comparison of porn to non sexual things.... it just doesn't correlate.... shopping for shoes, reading romance novels... I guess my hypothetical point would be that both examples - porn use and opposite sex social interaction - address the other partner's emotional perspective and view of the relationship. Either situation could leave the "excluded" partner feeling jealous, insecure and resentful. Shopping for shoes does not involve a relationship - friendship does. Ironically, I did decide early on to take Capatinacen's advice and "get over it". I love my wife for who she is and the fact that she relates well to the male personality. I don't have to pretend around her, she understands what makes my masculine self tick. Would some of the women in this thread be willing to make the same adjustment ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Capatinacen Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 OK. So if a woman doesn't want to have sex anymore, AND she's uncomfortable with him using porn (not to mention strip bars & affairs), then does he just need to accept that sexual thrills are completely off-limits to him now? If you go by what I said then yes. This works both ways. If you like porn and she doesn't and if she doesn't like sex anymore and you do then there you go. Both get affected. You can't make someone else make all the adjustments. You make them too. If we just get over it then you can too. Messes up your comfort zone doesn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Capatinacen Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 How does that work? Your partner's porn use (by the way, with a fantasy person) makes you feel insecure, uncomfortable and diminished. So he should give it up... My partner's social interactions with other men (by the way, with real people) have the potential to make me feel "insecure, uncomfortable and diminished". Your advice to me would be "get over it" Your saying this wrong. If we have to accept the porn thing then yes you can accept the social interaction. You can say it's fantasy and we can say we are only friends. If we are uncomfortable then so can you. This doesn't work for you only. You don't get to do what you want regardless of what someone feels and expect ONLY your SO to make the adjustments you don't like. You SHOULD make them too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rtHawk Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Would some of the women in this thread be willing to make the same adjustment ? I TRY ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE TIME, EVEN THOUGH IT COMPROMISES MY SENSE OF SELF AND MY SPIRIT AS A SEXUAL WOMAN AND LOVER. AND DO MY BEST AS MUCH AS I CAN TO "GET OVER IT":( Link to post Share on other sites
Author rtHawk Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Would some of the women in this thread be willing to make the same adjustment ? I TRY ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE TIME, EVEN THOUGH IT COMPROMISES MY SENSE OF SELF AND MY SPIRIT AS A SEXUAL WOMAN AND LOVER. AND DO MY BEST AS MUCH AS I CAN TO "GET OVER IT":( Link to post Share on other sites
Jeffrey Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I said no such thing, this is your spin on it. I've been happily married for almost 13 years, you're on here complaining how ****ty your relationship is. You're the LAST PERSON ON EARTH who thinks they should be judging my marriage. You turn around and say 'Yes, to your there's something wrong' then try to quanitify it with a blanket statement about my marriage? Pathetic. If you want to debate this in a civil manner, I'm all for it. If you want to be an immature wretch and make dumbass blanket statements like these in some lame attempt to be insulting, try someone else. Yep, there IS something wrong with it to me. You are saying your SO isn't attractive enough for you and doesn't turn you on enough so you gotta turn to your perfect plastic women so you can masturbate. Link to post Share on other sites
Jeffrey Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I get it just fine, probably perceived as some holier than thou attitude with questions like "what do you need to watch porn for and get off to some porn B rather than with your SO that you are "happy with" If you don't need (Who does) or want porn to keep you happy, bully for you. What you don't need to be doing is judging others. If I'm happy with porn and my wife is happy with porn and WE ARE happy with porn, why should you give a rats ass about it? You understand now? Do you 'Get' it now? hehehe To answer Okeydokey's ?--BECAUSE-- if you read the thread you would understand that there are thousands of women who don't understand the above.. if you are in a happy relationship, what do you need to watch porn for and get off to some porn B rather than with your SO that you are "happy with" Hey, and I like sex too--but I don't need porn to keep me happy with it. I still don't understand the underlying tone of defensiveness that the gentleman seem to have to the opposition of porn... I still dont get that--does anyone??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rtHawk Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 You understand now? Do you 'Get' it now? hehehe [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] So sorry you found reason tO BE SO HOSTILE, DEFENSIVE,SNIDE AND CURT ! does that mean I have ANY personal involvement to care about you and your wife's life?????????? NONE, NOPE, NEVER PEACE. THIS IS A FORUM OF HOPEFUL MATURE ADULTS. GEEZ! Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 1. Missionary position, once a week with your wife, unless she doesn't want to because: A. You were looking at her like she is a $ex object. B. You had your eyes shut, must mean you are fantasizing about other women. C. Her moodiness which of course is your fault. It absolutely cannot be from PMS. 2. No masturbating. Ever. Because you might look at porn. And even if you do not, you might be thinking of other women. 3. Be celibate. until she approaches you for $ex. But even that is wrong because you are rejecting your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 That just isn't true. I have casually looked at porn for 40 years and have yet to get the shakes or cold sweats. Porn is an escape. Like any escape, if you lose your perspective in life, it gets out of whack. Here in Vegas, I see people sitting in front of video poker machines for hours on end. It's not that the game is so fascinating, it's that it offers them an escape from the pressure, stress and turmoil of other parts of their life. Blaming porn (or video poker or any other similar activity done to excess) is like shooting the messenger - it doesn't really address the problem. OK, let me give you this example. When I met my wife, she had a lot of male friends. She is active, plays tennis, raquetball, volleyball, likes sports, hangs out with the guys watching the games, etc. If I were the jealous type, would you agree that I was within my rights to say "no more guy friends"? "It makes me insecure to think about you playing tennis or hanging out with another man so from now on it's only girlfriends or me". Should she be required to give that up because it makes me uncomfortable? Mr. Lucky This is no way similar to porn and fantasy. Unless she is masturbating to naked pictues and wanting to have sex with these guys they are not even close to being the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I said no such thing, this is your spin on it. I've been happily married for almost 13 years, you're on here complaining how ****ty your relationship is. You're the LAST PERSON ON EARTH who thinks they should be judging my marriage. You turn around and say 'Yes, to your there's something wrong' then try to quanitify it with a blanket statement about my marriage? Pathetic. If you want to debate this in a civil manner, I'm all for it. If you want to be an immature wretch and make dumbass blanket statements like these in some lame attempt to be insulting, try someone else. I was not trying to insult you. I was referring to how it makes ME feel if my SO masturbated to porn. Do I really have to type on every single post I make that I am referring to myself only. It gets kinda annoying to have to keep doing that so you don't take offense to what I say. The only thing I am unhappy with in my relationship is this issue. Everything esle is fine. You don't know anything about my relationship besides my issue of him wanting to screw other women. So please don't assume anything. Link to post Share on other sites
StayClose Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 One of communication probrems I see a lot is people who project their own tastes & situations onto others. For example, I don't like pickles. I know lots of people do - but I don't. But I wouldn't come on his board and write "If my wife put pickles in my sandwhich, I'd think she was being insensitive to my feelings. I don't understand how anyone would be so rude & insensitive as to put pickles in their spouse's sandwiches!" Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 This is no way similar to porn and fantasy. Unless she is masturbating to naked pictues and wanting to have sex with these guys they are not even close to being the same thing. But...if it makes a guy really uncomfortable and insecure if his wife hangs out with other men, why isn't it the same thing? How is he to know if she masturbates to fantasies of those men? He doesn't. So he could feel insecure. Especially since these are real people she actually could touch and have sex with. If she ignores his discomfort about hanging out with guys, then how is she any different from a guy who ignores his girl's discomfort about porn? I think she'd be doing somthing much worse if she didn't take his feelings into consideration about real men rather than a guy who didn't take her feelings into consideration about porn pixels. Link to post Share on other sites
Horse Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Alright that makes sense but lets say that you thought you could handle it but couldn't. Then you would like you said have to accept it. Sure you could either stay or leave but asking for it to change would be out of the question. You mentioned the execption to this and that was endangering someone else or themselves. Ok I could see that as an exception BUT it would have to depend on what you seen as endangering. The other person might not so then you would be back to either accepting it or leaving. Sounds like a no win situation. But as long as you do something you love that your SO doesn't like then she can do something that you don't like too. It's only fair. Yeah. Maybe I went a little too far on that one. You always have the right to ask for something, and if you are able to work out a bargain/compromise that is great. I will change that to "I don't think it is fair to demand that he stop." But if you aren't willing or able to compromise, then yes it is a no win situation. Either you split up and you both lose, or you lose and have to continue feeling upset by the porn, or he loses and gives up something he likes doing. Link to post Share on other sites
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