Men-honest:questionaire Re: Porn

[IpAncA]

Yes I am only referring to me. For the most part all my replies have been only to me. I can *kind of* understand why a man would use porn if his SO refused to have sex with him and/or gained 50 pounds and lost all pride in her apperance.

 

However when that is not the case I can even try to understand why he would nned porn.

You know I can understand what your saying and believe it or not I've seen first hand what its like when porn gets in the way of a relationship (my parents) and I still witness it/hear about it because my mom is like you and can't understand it nor handle it.

 

It amazes me because they were both on the same page on the whole not needing porn thing but all of a sudden it just changed and I can't understand why. But to be honest I blame the internet and the dish because before it came along the relationship was fine. Now it's slowly going in the toliet and my dad doesn't care and my mom is left feeling hurt and unloved which isn't true. My dad still does love her but to my mom it's a different story.

 

They are a perfect example as to what happends when two people are not on the same page. It truly does break my heart because they've been together for so long that they both let something like this come between them. There are so many misconceptions and the one thing that it all comes down to is COMMUNICATION. They stopped talking about it and each day my mom just grows more hate towards my dad and it's enough that somedays I could just sit and cry.

 

End of story

 

So thats why I can't stress enough about both being on the same page. It's very important because not only has it affected them but it has affected me and it shouldn't be like that. Which is why I talked to my H about it and were both on the same page of things.

 

Personally I've given up on trying to understand the whole porn issue because IMO it's truly something that I can never fully get because everyone has their own views as to what is ok and not ok.

 

Sorry for the story guys but I had to hear about it again.

[Lostgurl]

pLEASE TRY NOT TO BASH ANY MEN HERE, I POSTED TO TRY AND GAIN INSIGHT FOR MYSELF AND OTHER WOMEN WHO FEEL SOME OF THE SAME WAY AS I DO.

 

 

 

please explain how watching together ( so a man can get aroused looking at some porn chick's spread leg close up crotch shot)(and then getting down with his lady) how does that make one more open to their sexuality?????

 

 

REALLY??? see below

 

     You can find some of the most beautiful women you've ever seen in the horniest of situations. When I view it I imagine I am the one giving them the orgasm. 

 

just trying to make some points here, but truthfully, I quess it all boils down to who you are and who your partner is and how you either both understand or work out your sexuality and its nuances.

 

All I can say is, that I feel for the men who don't have supportive women with them when it comes to fulfulling your needs...

but, that is not all of the women.

I know I am slim, may not be an air brushed model, but not an unattractive woman, I work out, exercise, smile, laugh, intelligent, keep up with three teens and work fulll time and still love love love SEX--lots of it and in all sorts of ways and styles (minus third parties) have even made our own movies... but I do not see how porn can make me more open to my sexuality--I am as open to it simply becuase I love him and love getting hot and sweaty and feel and do and taste with him..... with him..not with some porn (slut's) (makes me feel better with that reference) crotch and butt in my face.... that is not a turn on. I am not into faux lesbianism, am not bi curious and have only a hetero interest. I know women are beautiful but it doesn't mean I need to see their boobs giggle to get me turned on. I don't need to see my guy get turned on to that and then "use" me to finish off his arousal gained by a porn chick.

Thought we aren't living together , I understand the need can't be satisfied if we can't be together but there are other options. I know i don't fantasize about other dudes and don't need to --he's all I want and need and have in my mind together or apart.

 

So, me, like other women who give give give and try their best to stay in shape, work out and love their man--mind, body and soul----and love SEX ...alot and often......

what the need for porn????(and thankfully it isn't an addiction)

 

In my situation anyway, I really don't think it's a need for the man to "lust" after some porn chick. My bf watches ALOT of porn, but only while i'm not there to satisfy his needs. And that is completely fine with me. I don't think that he's "lusting" after another woman, or wanting someone else other than me, it's mainly watching the act of sex that get's them aroused and in the mood when they need thier release, when their partner isn't there to help. It get's me in the mood too if we "stumble" on to a porn too .

 

I think that men prefer VISUAL stimulation, while most of us women like to use one's imagination through erotic stories, or just plain ol fantasies. The majority of men, prefer visual stimulation when they can't get the physical stimulation that they crave most .

 

Just my own opinion based from experience is all

[rtHawk]

hey- sorry to hear that sad story..

yet this is a perfect example of what was ok and understood in a relationship and how it can become out of proportion and usually (most often) hurtful to the woman/female part of the relationship when this happens.

This is a part of what I have been addressing here is just how deeply and hurtful this can become and destructive to relationships and what I still can't understand is WHY --when all else is good---WHY does one partner not see the hurt and destruction and just acknowledge a priority--the love and the relationship should come first --NOT porn even-esp if it is as meaningless and non-indicative of the relationship.

 

Well if men have that need and they have a partner who loves sex and 99.99% of the time will not turn then down then why do they need to turn to porn? Why can't he express his "primal" self with her.

YUP the ? asked over and over..answered in many ways...

but still the one ??? that many women over and over ask...if that is the case, then what is wrong with me???

I understood that response/? from RAinfall.

They are a perfect example as to what happends when two people are not on the same page. It truly does break my heart because they've been together for so long that they both let something like this come between them. There are so many misconceptions and the one thing that it all comes down to is COMMUNICATION. They stopped talking about it and each day my mom just grows more hate towards my dad and it's enough that somedays I could just sit and cry.

 

End of story

 

So thats why I can't stress enough about both being on the same page. It's very important because not only has it affected them but it has affected me and it shouldn't be like that. Which is why I talked to my H about it and were both on the same page of things.

 

Again , I am sorry to read that story for your family..

not to belabor their difficulties, but it seems they WERE on the same page and someone changed the page.

This was just such an eye-opener for me, as I am only half on the same page with my SO and I actually would fall fearful of something like this happening to me/us. I know I too would end up feeling horrible self esteem issues/unattractive and ask what was wrong wit me? and then that turns itself into that viscious cycle of one to another not providing, hearing, caring etc.

I quess I can be grateful....my sO hates computers and the I-net except for what he has to do at work....

 

but you are right..COMMUNICATION....

and I'll add, HONESTY from both partners.

[IpAncA]

hey- sorry to hear that sad story..

yet this is a perfect example of what was ok and understood in a relationship and how it can become out of proportion and usually (most often) hurtful to the woman/female part of the relationship when this happens.

This is a part of what I have been addressing here is just how deeply and hurtful this can become and destructive to relationships and what I still can't understand is WHY --when all else is good---WHY does one partner not see the hurt and destruction and just acknowledge a priority--the love and the relationship should come first --NOT porn even-esp if it is as meaningless and non-indicative of the relationship.

 

 

YUP the ? asked over and over..answered in many ways...

but still the one ??? that many women over and over ask...if that is the case, then what is wrong with me???

I understood that response/? from RAinfall.

 

 

Again , I am sorry to read that story for your family..

not to belabor their difficulties, but it seems they WERE on the same page and someone changed the page.

This was just such an eye-opener for me, as I am only half on the same page with my SO and I actually would fall fearful of something like this happening to me/us. I know I too would end up feeling horrible self esteem issues/unattractive and ask what was wrong wit me? and then that turns itself into that viscious cycle of one to another not providing, hearing, caring etc.

I quess I can be grateful....my sO hates computers and the I-net except for what he has to do at work....

 

but you are right..COMMUNICATION....

and I'll add, HONESTY from both partners.

 

Yeah you could add honesty in there.

 

But I think it comes down to him not caring about what she thinks or feels. As long as nothing interfers with HIM then it's ok. It's all about the ME ME ME!

 

It's pretty sad because before I moved out I would see/hear it happen EVERYDAY and I do mean that. It was pretty bad and to the point of me having to start talking before I got into the room he was at so he could close what ever it was he was looking at or doing.

 

And to make it worse when I walked by the computer room I could hear the clickings of the mouse closing the sites. That was SO not something I wanted to witness. Or if me and my mom were to take off, we wouldn't even get down to the end of the driveway and he was already online and was excited when we left or went to bed. I could actually clock the times he was on and I used to work my online time around that.

 

The worse I ever seen it was him going online at say 9pm and staying on there until 3am and geting up for work at 4am and then coming home, eating dinner, watching some tv and then going back on again until it was time to work.

 

So needless to say don't think it can't affect just the two people because it can affect others as well.

 

Just thought I would share that with you all so you can see just how hurtful it can be. Sure it may not be like this for all relationships but it can get pretty bad.

[rtHawk]

Hey IpaNCa

It is sad and sorry and it even seems your sad and very real life story has shut everyone down...

it is the reality of what I have tried to point out...PORN can become a destructive avenue just like alcohol, drugs and it woudl be wise for all persons to take such into account. and when it is hurtful if even on a small scale, respect, communication, honesty and absolute mutual consideration MUST be taken into seriiuos account.. The R is still and should be the #1 priority

 

What this does to a woman, her family---is it really worth the airbrushed T/A and skin....???

 

NEVER.

[IpAncA]

Thanks rtHawk.

 

Yeah I am sad about it. I still cry sometimes when I hear about it over the phone. I'm so embarassed about it that I don't even tell anyone. My H doesn't even know what their like fully and my brother doesn't even believe me. So it's something that I will take to the grave. I'd rather have people perceive my parents as are they then what they are. It's a secret between the three of us.

 

I didn't mean to stop the posting. Shouldn't have spoken about them like that so I am sorry that I posted that.

[Jeffrey]

Yes, why is that so hard to understand? Unless they're physically objectionable, it really doesn't matter. Just because your spouse might be renting porn titled 'Blondes with big tits' doesn't mean most people do.

 

Besides, what's wrong with finding someone attractive anyway, it has no bearing on my feelings for my spouse. If my spouse wasn't the person I wanted to be with first and foremost, I wouldn't be with her.

 

I know porn gets my wife hot and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

 

Well, why are the porn models almost always beautiful? So basically what you're saying is that it's just the act that arouses you? Are you willing to say that the looks of the actresses have nothing to do whatsoever with your arousal??

 

Personally speaking, I don't get intimidated by the specific actress/model in the porn. Its their features that bothers me - physical features that arouse my SO. No, my SO may not be lucky enough to cross paths with Jenna Jamieson (or whatever her name is) but he can still get aroused and pay attention to women with good bodies, blonde hair and pretty faces. That's what bothers me.

 

 

 

Sorry. I wasn't implying that you had the right to tell me what to think. I was referring to people in general as well as my SO.

 

 

 

There is a connection - i.e. a man's sexuality (his prowess and performance). From what I've experienced (especially with my SO) men need to exert their sexuality, sometimes in an almost primal way, to feel like a real man. Otherwise their performance in general suffers.

[Jeffrey]

The vast majority of people still like to masturbate and enjoy time to themselves. So long as they're not choosing it over being intitmiate with their spouse, it's not a big deal.

 

If I told my wife I didn't want her masturbating, she would laugh in my face. Quite understandable, that's an unreasonable and laughable request.

 

Well if men have that need and they have a partner who loves sex and 99.99% of the time will not turn then down then why do they need to turn to porn? Why can't he express his "primal" self with her.

[Jeffrey]

I don't know anyone who NEEDS porn. I know many (Myself included) who LIKE porn. Ain't nothing wrong with that either.

 

Yes I am only referring to me. For the most part all my replies have been only to me. I can *kind of* understand why a man would use porn if his SO refused to have sex with him and/or gained 50 pounds and lost all pride in her apperance.

 

However when that is not the case I can even try to understand why he would nned porn.

[Carbine]

If men do indeed have that need (and I agree they do), what does a man with a non-responsive or low-libido spouse do? How does he express his "primal" self? Mr. Lucky

 

Well firstly, if the man needs to express his 'primal' self through sexual activity, then wouldn't his choice of partner hinge greatly on that need?? I mean, I can only speak for myself (and bear in mind i'm not a male) but if I was with a person who couldn't keep up with my sexual needs, then I wouldn't be with them for long. I'm not saying that sexual fulfillment is the only reason you stay with someone, but certainly it must count for something?

 

Secondly, why must he resort to porn to masturbate?? What happened to using one's imagination to get aroused?

[rainfall]

The vast majority of people still like to masturbate and enjoy time to themselves. So long as they're not choosing it over being intitmiate with their spouse, it's not a big deal.

 

If I told my wife I didn't want her masturbating, she would laugh in my face. Quite understandable, that's an unreasonable and laughable request.

 

I am talking about watching porn and having a fantasy while you masturbate. Do you REALLY have to fantasize about strangers in order to get turned on.....

[rainfall]

I don't know anyone who NEEDS porn. I know many (Myself included) who LIKE porn. Ain't nothing wrong with that either.

 

Yep, there IS something wrong with it to me. You are saying your SO isn't attractive enough for you and doesn't turn you on enough so you gotta turn to your perfect plastic women so you can masturbate.

[Mr. Lucky]

Secondly, why must he resort to porn to masturbate?? What happened to using one's imagination to get aroused?

So, if I imagined a fantasy person and masturbated, that's OK? But if I look at a fantasy-based picture or movie while masturbating, that's not? I'm fairly unclear why that distinction exists and I'm completely unclear as to why it would be important to my partner

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pink_Tulip]

I mean, I can only speak for myself (and bear in mind i'm not a male) but if I was with a person who couldn't keep up with my sexual needs, then I wouldn't be with them for long. I'm not saying that sexual fulfillment is the only reason you stay with someone, but certainly it must count for something?

 

I know this doesn't apply to any of the women on here, but there are many, many women whose sex drive falls off almost completely after a couple years. Women's sex drive is tied a lot to emotions, not hormones like mens. In the first few years of a relationship, it is high for women b/c they feel that 'in love' feeling. So men think, YES! They get married, and after a few years when marriages fall into that comfortable stage, the sex drive almost completely disappears. So of course many men are going to feel like they have been had. And since most women don't really understand how important sex is to men, they don't see it as an issue at all. I think this is what Mr. Lucky and a few others are going through.

 

Like I say in just about every other thread, lots of communication BEFORE marriage is key here. Men NEED to make sure the women they are with seriously get it about sex, and both need to discuss what will happen if/when sex drops off. If an arraingement has been made before hand, it is easy for a man to say, 'honey, remember how we talked about always working to meet eachothers needs, including sex? Well...' But if it isn't discussed, and the woman doesn't get it- lots of unhappy men posting on LS.

 

Likewise, porn needs to be discussed too. I think most men wouldn't have a problem agreeing to no porn as long as their sexual needs were being met consistently. And if a man is not willing to give it up, that is good to know before marriage. You can both find someone else more compatible.

 

Not trying to thread hijack, it just seems like a lot of this discussion is, 'well why does my bf want to look at porn when I am right here?' And 'What am I supposed to do when my wife only has sex with me once a month?' Two totally seperate problems. Hope that makes sense.

[Carbine]

Yes, why is that so hard to understand? Unless they're physically objectionable, it really doesn't matter. Just because your spouse might be renting porn titled 'Blondes with big tits' doesn't mean most people do.

 

Well, he actually rents porn titled 'Barely Legal Blondes with Cute Little Boobies'; "You know I love your tits and all, but to be honest I prefer smaller chested chicks". Great. I can't win.

 

Anyway, let's be honest here. The majority of porn is prettymuch 'Blondes with big tits'. Ok, there may be a brunette here, a redhed there. But we're splitting hairs aren't we? (no pun intended).

 

Besides, what's wrong with finding someone attractive anyway, it has no bearing on my feelings for my spouse. If my spouse wasn't the person I wanted to be with first and foremost, I wouldn't be with her.

 

I know porn gets my wife hot and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

That's nice. Your wife obviously doesn't have a problem with it. Lucky her. Lucky you. UNlucky for those of us who are offended by it. I suppose recognising that someone is attractive for a split second isn't too harmful, but dwelling on the thoughts or images of that person IS certainly harmful to some people. Especially if those attractive people (i.e. porn actresses) are constantly paired with sexual activity. After awhile, you prettymuch come to expect that having those images is necessary for your SO to have a sufficiently good f**k, and without them the sex is sub-standard.

 

So, if I imagined a fantasy person and masturbated, that's OK? But if I look at a fantasy-based picture or movie while masturbating, that's not?

 

Well, its not the optimal outcome, but it's the lesser of the two evils I guess - just. Anyway, this isn't the point I was driving at. What I meant was that is there really a need to imagine a fantasy person?? Why not a fantasy situation? When I've masturbated, as well as during sex, I've attempted to visualise a person other than my SO (as per his request mind you) and all it did was distract me and make it way less enjoyable. However,when I've imagined a set of circumstances that I wouldn't usually find myself in, then it's heightened the experience enormously. My ex and I used to talk about fantasy scenes during sex (scenes involving one or both of us) and he totally seemed to get off on it - unless he was lying to me which I seriously doubt.

 

I'm fairly unclear why that distinction exists and I'm completely unclear as to why it would be important to my partner

 

If you're talking specifically about a situation where he's masturbating alone, using either porn or fantasy, then it's mentally widening the gap between the lust he should feel for his SO, and a fantasy woman (porn or mental image) who lives out a more fulfilling sex life with him.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you're talking specifically about a situation where he's masturbating alone, using either porn or fantasy, then it's mentally widening the gap between the lust he should feel for his SO, and a fantasy woman (porn or mental image) who lives out a more fulfilling sex life with him.

This is like arguing how many angels fit on the head of a pin. Your "rules" for your partner's fantasies are meaningless because YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE! I guess I'm waiting for you to admit that there is some part of your partner's mental processes that you can't control ( and shouldn't want to, but that's a separate discussion). Do you agree?

 

Mr. Lucky

[reservoirdog1]

To address the original question:

 

I'm in a relationship right now that, while somewhat new, has excellent potential to be an LTR. And I was married previously for 7 years. And during both of these, I have looked at porn.

 

What do I focus on when I'm watching? Oddly enough perhaps, I focus on the act. The woman involved does need to be "attractive", but I don't really seek out porn women who meet a rigid set of criteria beyond that. It's not the woman that turns me on, so much as what she's doing. What can I say... I like sex.

 

When I'm in a happy relationship -- like right now -- I tend to fantasize about the person I'm with. And if I see something in porn that really turns me on, usually my thoughts then turn to "wow... it would be amazing if I was doing that with GF right now."

[Okeydokey]

why is this thread so popular? lol. of all of my subscribed threads this one gets the most hits always. i wouldn't have predicted it. funny.

[rtHawk]

What do I focus on when I'm watching? Oddly enough perhaps, I focus on the act. The woman involved does need to be "attractive", but I don't really seek out porn women who meet a rigid set of criteria beyond that. It's not the woman that turns me on, so much as what she's doing. What can I say... I like sex.

 

When I'm in a happy relationship -- like right now -- I tend to fantasize about the person I'm with. And if I see something in porn that really turns me on, usually my thoughts then turn to "wow... it would be amazing if I was doing that with GF right now."

 

To answer Okeydokey's ?--BECAUSE-- if you read the thread you would understand that there are thousands of women who don't understand the above..

if you are in a happy relationship, what do you need to watch porn for and get off to some porn B rather than with your SO that you are "happy with"

 

Hey, and I like sex too--but I don't need porn to keep me happy with it.

 

I still don't understand the underlying tone of defensiveness that the gentleman seem to have to the opposition of porn... I still dont get that--does anyone???

[JazzyFox]

""I still don't understand the underlying tone of defensiveness that the gentleman seem to have to the opposition of porn... I still dont get that--does anyone???""

 

The men are just acting like any child would, if you took their candy away. In this case, it's eyecandy ... and they probably feel that it's good for the soul.

[Mr. Lucky]

I still don't understand the underlying tone of defensiveness that the gentleman seem to have to the opposition of porn... I still dont get that--does anyone???

I guess we'll have to chalk this up to the great male/female divide. We don't understand why women are threatened by something that has no "real" basis. As your SO, how I treat you is real. How I express my interest in your sexual satisfaction is real. If we have a family, how I treat and suport them is real. Those are some of the tangible parts of our relationship. Why not confine your worries to that?

 

Mr. Lucky

[tommyr]

Yep, there IS something wrong with it to me. You are saying your SO isn't attractive enough for you and doesn't turn you on enough so you gotta turn to your perfect plastic women so you can masturbate.

 

How can my attraction to spouse have any turn-on effect when I am masturbating (ie, alone)?

 

Speaking as an experienced porn viewer, I would say typical porn nowadays does NOT contain "perfect plastic women" . The stuff that REALLY has perfect/plastic/airbrushed/fake/liposuction actual targets a WOMEN audience (Cosmo, Glamour, InStyle, VictoriasSecret). Heck even the JJill and LandsEnd catalogs have more perfect looking ladies than you'll find on porno.com. Would it be offensive for me to take JJill Summer edition into the bathroom?

[rtHawk]

I quess we'll have to chalk this up to the great male/female divide. We don't understand why women are threatened by something that has no "real" basis. As your SO, how I treat you is real. How I express my interest in your sexual satisfaction is real. If we have a family, how I treat and suport them is real. Those are some of the tangible parts of our relationship. Why not confine your worries to that?

 

With all respect Mr L..

you sort of ansered a ? with a ? Can you provide some more concrete explantion???

ALL the things you mention are absolutely of importance and are the real deal in a relationship..

yet, I will say, that for me, the threat is "real" for me. Yes it is a dvd etc. but it is still my SO having a sexual connection (imaging being with that woman in the porn etc etc. ) It means my SO is giving something of himself( and that something I feel is special and sweet and initimate) to another woman if even in an image.... or it means he is preferring her, or he is getting turned on by her.

Really that is most of it for me..... the thought of my SO getting sexually aroused by another woman is the part that just sucks.

It may be the love/sex/emotional connection for me and that I just can't separate or understand the sex/love/arousal can be compartmentalized for guys.

I just know if feels very hurtful to think he gets turned on by another...

I said it before, and say it again, I think most people want to be the one in the eyes of their love/sweethearts and porn seems to diminsih that and creates an opportunity for the woman in a guys life to never ever measure up to what you see in porn...in looks, acts, attitude etc. cuz its always going to be bigger, pinker, better, perkier, etc etc etc.

 

and even if the porn of today is more REAL type of women, then, to some degree that may end up being more harmful in the end. Atleast with really fake porn women there is the element of that that can keep it more separated and less connected with...

the more real , maybe the connection can feel more real to the person viewing.

BUT YOU SAY IT BEST--THE GREAT FEMALE/MALE DIVIDE...

I wonder how many of the guys actually do stop to try and understand how this can feel threatening???

maybe now you can answer my???

peace

 

 

I get the need to masturbate, that is not the issue for me

[IpAncA]

 

I wonder how many of the guys actually do stop to try and understand how this can feel threatening???

 

In my opinion some don't care one bit and will do it anyways regardless if it's hurtful or not. Even if they explain it to their SO which doesn't mean anything if she doesn't believe him.

 

I can see both sides to this and some do care. But I think it takes a person to not let that crap creep up in their head and start over thinking things or maybe they just don't care either.

 

I don't know now. When this first started I was hard core ok with certain things but now i'm in the middle. Ever since I started reading this and thinking about this crap again, it's confusing me more then ever. Didn't think much about it within my own marriage but now i'm like "wait a minute here." Kind of wish this crap didn't exist. That way it wouldn't be an issue nor would anyone have to talk about it.

 

Ugh..

[Mr. Lucky]

BUT YOU SAY IT BEST--THE GREAT FEMALE/MALE DIVIDE...

I wonder how many of the guys actually do stop to try and understand how this can feel threatening???

maybe now you can answer my???

peace

Well, now that I've been appointed spokesman for my entire gender !

 

I did not mean to evade your question, but I'm not sure there is an easy answer. Why does Madison Avenue use pretty women to sell everything from trucks to beer? Is it because:

 

A). They don't care about the return on the $500,000 it costs to buy 60 seconds of advertising on national TV.

 

B). They are trying to reach only the half of the male population that is not in a commited relationship at the time.

 

Or

 

C). They know that every male with descended testicles over the age of 12 will turn and look.

 

If you agree that "C" is the answer, you have at least a partial glimpse into the pathetically predictable male psyche. We have a need for sexual self-aggrandizement that leads us to do things like trying to suck in our 50 pound beer gut when a hot chick walks by. Some primitive part of our brain is hard-wired this way, it's just the way we are. Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, etc.

 

For some men, porn is part of the same urge. I can look at a picture or movie and say, "That could be me doing that". Not "I wish it were me" or "I want that to be me" or any other yearning that women fear and that implies dissatisfaction with one's real relationship. Nor is it "That could be me doing that with her". To me, it's the image and thought of the sex itself that has the appeal. It fills a need that is obviously very different for men as opposed to women.

 

Mr. Lucky