Feelings for female coworker!

[blueberry1]

one thing I forgot to mention, if you are a good actor, yes, you can continue to hide your feelings from both of them while you are around them, as I am completely sure I have done so far around my boss's wife. But you never know when all of that tension can build up, and as you say yourself, can blurt something out out of extreme emotional distress. I hope I never do that.

[CrossRhodes]

Am I the only one who sees the potiential disaster of this situation?

 

Don't you think your wife knows you well enough that if you all spend time together, she'll (your wife) will pick up on the energy you feel for the co-worker?

 

 

I agree - it's madness. A cry for help.

 

UL80: I'm pretty sure I know what thought process is driving you to want this. I think you actually want your wife to find out. You need to ask yourself honestly if that's what is going on. Don't just do this whole thing on auto-pilot.

[blueberry1]

don't think you want your wife to find out, I do think you want to try and bring some kind of normalcy to the situation by getting to know your co-worker's husband, in the hope that will diffuse things a bit. Speaking from personal experience, that doesn't work, and in fact makes things worse!

It just rachets up the situation tenfold!

[empty906]

I'll chime in on the "OW becoming friends with your W while you become friends with her H" scenario. I did the exact same thing, uplooker! In my case, the OW does interior design work and I introduced her to my wife when we began remodeling our home. I had talked about her to my W and my W knew we were 'good friends'. When the time came for them to meet it went smooth as silk. The OW kept giving me signals with body language and her eyes but my W never could see them. The OW left and my W said, "I just love her! Know wonder you two are friends." I about fainted and my jaw dropped. Unbelievable. I had pulled it off.

 

My W would say, "Call her and get her to help with this." "Meet her and you two go and pick this out." "Have her meet you and you two decide on this."

 

But it didn't do anything to quench the desire I had for the OW. I befriended her H and that didn't help any either. What it did was actually bring too many people into the relationship. Too many (meaning spouses) knew about our friendship and felt comfortable asking questions. Also, my guard went down since we no longer had to sneak around about certain things.

 

But helping? No way. Take tonight as another example. We are finishing up our remodel and we want to now have all new landscaping work done. Who did my W say to hire? Yep, her. I am trying to get over the love I have for her at this point in the game and bringing her in for another project will most certainly stir all the feelings back up again. Talk about breaking NC!

 

All that to say this. The spouse befriending the OW doesn't make anything easier, my friend. Been there and still in it. Instead of excitability that she is coming over this time I am apprehensive about calling her. I know what troubles it will cause and I will find an excuse why my W and I should not use my friend who is good and will do the planning at a great price. And then I'll have to hire someone else who probably won't do as good of job. All without raising any suspicions.

 

Uplooker, I would ask you not to introduce your W and this lady to each other. She will only be around you even more if you W likes her, too!

[empty906]

When I broke down my idealised image of her, I felt less of that intoxicating pull to her. But I was never strong enough to keep doing that for long enough. Inevitably, she would be nice to me and I would fall for her all over again.[/qoute]

 

This is the foundation to the entire problem, IMO. If the other person DIDN'T have this power over us then we could move past whatever struggle we were having inside. But after weeks of NC I am rewarded with less thoughts about her each day, fewer spurts of feeling depressed about not having her in my life anymore, and every other song on the radio stops reminding me of her.

 

But when I happen to see her in public and we stop to talk it all goes away. All the progress is destroyed and I am all in love again. And she didn't have to do a damn thing but be in the same place as me for a moment.

 

To answer the question, I think I have to form an emotional attachment to the woman first. If I share any kind of intimate conversation with them, I think this process initiates. I also need to see them and interact with them regularly. I'm guessing that this doesn't happen more often at work because I am fairly guarded about who I share my inner feelings with. It takes a certain amount of trust, and I don't usually feel trust that quick.

 

Interesting, CR. I have experienced the completely opposite effect. In an effort to 'replace' this OW I began looking for other women who were lonely and interested in heavy flirting, or "affair" as it may be called. I was amazed at the number I could find and I would begin to learn about them and spend some time with them in one form or another. The conversations would all get intimate at a certain point and then I would pull away. They would sometimes form a slight attachment because we had shared such intimate thoughts but I never could. There is only this one woman I want, no matter who I was talking with.

 

So in my case, sharing intimate thoughts and discussing feelings had no bearing on my becoming attracted to them. So I am left thinking there is something else that has connected me in such a way with this OW. As I said in an earlier post, I think she just fits my idea of perfection. Whatever qualities she possesses has captivated me and won me over. The others didn't possess these or not to such a high level, maybe.

 

I'm going to divulge something I'm a bit ashamed of. My first girlfriend (or fiancee as she was then) left me when I was 23. Even though I never heard from her ever again, I didn't truly get over her memory until I was 35. I don't know if I was actually limerant for that whole time, but the limerance lasted well into my marriage and caused big problems.

 

A similar situation for me, as well. I was engaged with girl and we were to marry when she finished college. But, her parents hated me. HATED! One day she said she couldn't take her mom's constant nagging any longer and thought there was no way she could live the rest of her life with her parents disliking me so strongly. So we broke up and I was devastated. Everyone, and I mean everyone, said we were just the perfect couple. That sickening couple you used to make fun of because they were so happy together. So I rebounded and married my current W ten months from the day I met her.

 

And I have missed that girl ever since. I followed her on the internet for awhile as she finished college, moved from job to job, and her trail finally grew cold. She must have gotten married.

 

But there are some people who come into our lives who connect with us in ways no one else can. If the person is the same sex then you become the closest of best friends. If they are of the opposite sex and you don't marry them then you will remember them forever and wonder...

 

People don't usually have affairs because they have genuinely met "the one". In fact, there is no "the one". People have affairs because something is missing in their marriage and they get that need fulfilled outside it. Those affairs almost always end badly because the affair only fulfils a limited range of needs. The married person gets very depressed because he/she transgressed their personal values. It's a very sad and painful phenomenon.

 

Agreed! I looked outside my M because I had withdrawn from my W. If I had been happy and satisfied then I might not have even noticed this OW in the first place. Or at least wouldn't have been sending out signals and picked up on her response.

[blueberry1]

I couldn't help but chuckle at this becoming friends with the husband or wife of the object of one's desires! Actually, the same thing happened to me! My beloved boss's wife adores me as a friend and I her, but does not realize I am absolutely dotty about her husband. As I say, I am good at hiding things. I thought it would help me keep my feelings for him at bay, but it has not, and sometimes I feel guilty about that around her, but not much I'm afraid! This whole scenario would be funny, if it wasn't so serious. How wild that your wife wants your object of desire to landscape your yard now! You must be a good actor too! What a wild notion to try and make friends with the husband or wife that way, and thinking that would accomplish something, have to laugh here else I'll cry!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll chime in on the "OW becoming friends with your W while you become friends with her H" scenario. I did the exact same thing, uplooker! In my case, the OW does interior design work and I introduced her to my wife when we began remodeling our home. I had talked about her to my W and my W knew we were 'good friends'. When the time came for them to meet it went smooth as silk. The OW kept giving me signals with body language and her eyes but my W never could see them. The OW left and my W said, "I just love her! Know wonder you two are friends." I about fainted and my jaw dropped. Unbelievable. I had pulled it off.

 

My W would say, "Call her and get her to help with this." "Meet her and you two go and pick this out." "Have her meet you and you two decide on this."

 

But it didn't do anything to quench the desire I had for the OW. I befriended her H and that didn't help any either. What it did was actually bring too many people into the relationship. Too many (meaning spouses) knew about our friendship and felt comfortable asking questions. Also, my guard went down since we no longer had to sneak around about certain things.

 

But helping? No way. Take tonight as another example. We are finishing up our remodel and we want to now have all new landscaping work done. Who did my W say to hire? Yep, her. I am trying to get over the love I have for her at this point in the game and bringing her in for another project will most certainly stir all the feelings back up again. Talk about breaking NC!

 

All that to say this. The spouse befriending the OW doesn't make anything easier, my friend. Been there and still in it. Instead of excitability that she is coming over this time I am apprehensive about calling her. I know what troubles it will cause and I will find an excuse why my W and I should not use my friend who is good and will do the planning at a great price. And then I'll have to hire someone else who probably won't do as good of job. All without raising any suspicions.

 

Uplooker, I would ask you not to introduce your W and this lady to each other. She will only be around you even more if you W likes her, too!

[CrossRhodes]

This is the foundation to the entire problem, IMO. If the other person DIDN'T have this power over us then we could move past whatever struggle we were having inside. But after weeks of NC I am rewarded with less thoughts about her each day, fewer spurts of feeling depressed about not having her in my life anymore, and every other song on the radio stops reminding me of her.

 

The songs! My word yes. The other day, on the day my girl was leaving work for good, I heard 3 in a row - the 3 most painful songs that evoked her.

 

But when I happen to see her in public and we stop to talk it all goes away. All the progress is destroyed and I am all in love again. And she didn't have to do a damn thing but be in the same place as me for a moment.

 

Yes, that's how it is for me. She rang me again today, and I admit I love it. But thoughts of her are starting to intrude again. It doesn't take much, does it? It's like a tinderbox, and they are the spark.

 

Interesting, CR. I have experienced the completely opposite effect. In an effort to 'replace' this OW I began looking for other women who were lonely and interested in heavy flirting, or "affair" as it may be called. I was amazed at the number I could find and I would begin to learn about them and spend some time with them in one form or another. The conversations would all get intimate at a certain point and then I would pull away. They would sometimes form a slight attachment because we had shared such intimate thoughts but I never could. There is only this one woman I want, no matter who I was talking with.

 

So in my case, sharing intimate thoughts and discussing feelings had no bearing on my becoming attracted to them. So I am left thinking there is something else that has connected me in such a way with this OW. As I said in an earlier post, I think she just fits my idea of perfection. Whatever qualities she possesses has captivated me and won me over. The others didn't possess these or not to such a high level, maybe.

 

I really stuffed that up, empty906. I actually contradicted myself in the following message, because I stated that my second case of limerance occurred without speaking to the girl. Now that I think of it, the same happened with my first girl. It's the idealisation - as you say, it's sort of my image of perfection. Not actual perfection, mind you ... I am well aware of them being slightly overweight, or their wrinkles or whatever it is. But to paraphrase Casey Kasem, their imperfections keep my feet on the ground, and their idealised qualities keep me reaching for the stars Seriously, all 3 girls had amazing eyes. The first and third girls look very similar, and even have similarish (but not identical) names! They all dressed impeccably, and all had similar long hair.

 

 

A similar situation for me, as well. I was engaged with girl and we were to marry when she finished college. But, her parents hated me. HATED! One day she said she couldn't take her mom's constant nagging any longer and thought there was no way she could live the rest of her life with her parents disliking me so strongly. So we broke up and I was devastated. Everyone, and I mean everyone, said we were just the perfect couple. That sickening couple you used to make fun of because they were so happy together.

 

I'm sorry to hear that it ended like that. It sounds like you didn't get proper closure? I mean, it doesn't sound like it ended because of an incompatibility between the two of you? No wonder you miss her. Me and Girl #1 were like that - we held hands incessantly. We made people sick! But we were so very much in love. We used to write love notes for each other on the footpath, and give each other beautiful letters. Oh how I miss her! When we broke up, I adopted Dire Straits' Romeo & Juliet as my bereavement song:

Juliet

When we made love you used to cry

You said I love you like the stars above

I'll love you till I die

There's a place for us

You know the movie song

When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?

 

So I rebounded and married my current W ten months from the day I met her.

 

I've never realised this until now - I rebounded and married my W 6 years later. I never thought it could be considered a rebound relationship so long after my engagement, but it makes perfect sense now. I was still in limerant love with my first girl, and I never developed limerance for my W. It used to really cut her up that I didn't feel the same way about her - I feel bad about that.

 

And I have missed that girl ever since. I followed her on the internet for awhile as she finished college, moved from job to job, and her trail finally grew cold. She must have gotten married.

 

But there are some people who come into our lives who connect with us in ways no one else can. If the person is the same sex then you become the closest of best friends. If they are of the opposite sex and you don't marry them then you will remember them forever and wonder...

 

Beautifully put, empty906.

 

Agreed! I looked outside my M because I had withdrawn from my W. If I had been happy and satisfied then I might not have even noticed this OW in the first place. Or at least wouldn't have been sending out signals and picked up on her response.

 

With Girl #3, I sensed she liked me but I never really engaged her for the first couple of months. Then I started to talk to her and her eyes drew me in. Then I discovered things to like about her and the fire was lit. And it never went out!

 

If you haven't already read it, check out the Wikipedia entry on Limerence:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

Some amazing insights in that article. It mentions that marital sex is better when there is an LO in the picture ... that explains what I experienced. My W could never understand it and assumed that it meant I still had strong feelings for her.

 

Another thing my W keeps saying during our separation goes like this: "Look how long it took to get over Girl #1. Look how badly affected you were by Girl #3. Can you imagine how long it will take you to get over me, now that we have been together for 16 years?" And I never answer. I used to wonder if she was correct. But now I know that, sadly, it won't be as hard to get over her because I didn't have a limerent relationship with her.

 

It's the thing I could never understand. I was infinitely more devastated by the thought of my LO moving on, than I was by the thought of my W finding someone else. I get it now.

 

I am going to be reading so much literature about limerence. This is a goldmine. It's the motherload for me. It finally explains what the hell has been going on in my love life for 24 years! Thanks for sharing, empty906. I finally feel like someone understands me and that I'm not so crazy after all

[uplooker80]

don't think you want your wife to find out, I do think you want to try and bring some kind of normalcy to the situation by getting to know your co-worker's husband, in the hope that will diffuse things a bit. Speaking from personal experience, that doesn't work, and in fact makes things worse!

It just rachets up the situation tenfold!

 

Bingo. I guess now I'm screwed based on the comments here. I'll see how things turn out....

 

I was actually trying to force something to happen to alter the stalemate situation I have at work. I thought it might tip the balance somehow to snap me out of it. And I'll admit, there is an obvious selfish motive here to try and have her around me more.

[whichwayisup]

I guess I'm trying to figure out WHY on earth you're letting this out of control crush take over! UL80, you're in the process of making some bad choices. You've read what you're up against, so why are you still trying your best to have her around you more? Is losing what you have with your wife worth it??

 

Any intimiate, love and sexual feelings you have for your wife will be taken over by what you feel for the co-worker. Without knowing it, you'll be emotionally distancing yourself from your wife! You're wasting time on someone else when ALL that love and desire should be given to your wife, not the co-worker.

 

Stop being so selfish man! Stop thinking with your heart and what's between your legs and think with the head that sits on your neck! Nothing good can come of you lusting after the co-worker...

[Mary3]

This the the 85th Post about your situation :

 

No matter how anyone here begs or pleads for you to end this , I believe you will succumb to it because you are in too deep.

 

They say Love is blind and right now you need to remove the blinders but I think you will play this out because you live and breathe this woman .

 

Maybe it will take the loss of your wife to wake you up .

 

But I know you want this new friendship arrangement because * anything * will be worth it to breathe this womans perfume and have the privilage of being next to her.

 

I won't try to talk you out of this because your strong need for her over-rides everything including common sense but it kind of reminds me of the Pirate who has a blindfold on and he is walking the Plank. Its a matter of time before he slips off ( or is pushed off ) and hits the water...

 

You only have one clear choice , you know what it is but you are staying at your employment and riding out this roller coaster ride.

 

I do feel very bad for your wife though. She has a right to know you will sacrifice everything for the lady in the office.

[CrossRhodes]

I guess I'm trying to figure out WHY on earth you're letting this out of control crush take over!

 

...

 

Stop being so selfish man! Stop thinking with your heart and what's between your legs and think with the head that sits on your neck! Nothing good can come of you lusting after the co-worker...

 

Whichwayisup: Berating UL80 for being limerent is a lot like berating a depressed person for being unmotivated. You are casting judgment on something you have no direct experience of. He can't just switch this off or make a stoic decision. He needs to understand what is going on inside him, and then come up with a strategy to take its power away.

 

 

You only have one clear choice , you know what it is but you are staying at your employment and riding out this roller coaster ride.

 

As above. As I said earlier, I know some of you mean well but tough love isn't going to solve this one. It's a lot like depression - you can't just "snap out of it".

 

Bingo. I guess now I'm screwed based on the comments here. I'll see how things turn out....

 

You're not screwed, you just have an uphill battle ahead of you. People overcome depression, and they overcome limerence too. It just takes a while.

[whichwayisup]

Whichwayisup: Berating UL80 for being limerent is a lot like berating a depressed person for being unmotivated. You are casting judgment on something you have no direct experience of.

 

You are right, I'm so stupid and have no life experience at 36 years old. I have never had a crush in my life nor has that crush affected my life.

 

Please do not make assumptions about me.

 

He can't just switch this off or make a stoic decision. He needs to understand what is going on inside him, and then come up with a strategy to take its power away

 

Yes he can. He can start by NOT befriending this woman's husband. He also can keep things at work and not let it spill outside of the office.

 

He needs to go talk to someone and figure it out. IF he doesn't he is going to be making real bad choices that will have a painful outcome.

[CrossRhodes]

You are right, I'm so stupid and have no life experience at 36 years old. I have never had a crush in my life nor has that crush affected my life.

 

Please do not make assumptions about me.

 

A crush is not the same as limerence. "Crush" is to "limerence" as "a little sad" is to "depression". I am not making assumptions about you. You have lots of life experience, but I could tell from your posts in this thread that you have not experienced limerence.

 

 

Yes he can. He can start by NOT befriending this woman's husband. He also can keep things at work and not let it spill outside of the office.

 

He needs to go talk to someone and figure it out. IF he doesn't he is going to be making real bad choices that will have a painful outcome.

 

 

I actually agree with you on these points. My point is that he can readily make these small decisions, but he almost certainly can't make the big decisions yet about her. That will take self-awareness and good understanding of this "disease" to pull off.

[Mary3]

He is in the * Limerance * stage....that is...until he picks up her dirty underwear off the floor for the 17th time ...listens to her nag him endlessly and stops giving him hot sex ( all future ).

 

Limerance has a timetable... He will go through it and then it will end. He needs a sober reality check after spending 4 good solid months with her. Until then she is the supreme being that exists in his mind...

[CrossRhodes]

He is in the * Limerance * stage....that is...until he picks up her dirty underwear off the floor for the 17th time ...listens to her nag him endlessly and stops giving him hot sex ( all future ).

 

Limerance has a timetable... He will go through it and then it will end. He needs a sober reality check after spending 4 good solid months with her. Until then she is the supreme being that exists in his mind...

 

 

I've been meaning to speak about this i.e. the idea of a "limerence stage". I see people refer to this as part of the development of romantic relationships. While I accept that most of us experience this, I think it is distinct from the kind of limerence experience being described by UL80, empty906 and myself. The latter is a special case - some sort of "heavy-duty" limerence that messes up your brain chemistry and lasts for extended periods of time. Given the right conditions, this kind of limerence can last for years.

 

I don't mean to contradict you continuously. As you said earlier, the OP has had a lot of responses now and it's now up to him to come up with some actions of his own in order to deal with it.

 

My frustration on LS is just that I would like to see some better understanding of this particular phenomenon. There must be many more people out there who suffer through this kind of limerence again and again in their lives ... it makes you feel like you are going crazy. I actually think it is strongly related to depression, and it may even be ameliorated with anti-depressant treatment.

[Mary3]

I've been meaning to speak about this i.e. the idea of a "limerence stage". I see people refer to this as part of the development of romantic relationships. While I accept that most of us experience this, I think it is distinct from the kind of limerence experience being described by UL80, empty906 and myself. The latter is a special case - some sort of "heavy-duty" limerence that messes up your brain chemistry and lasts for extended periods of time. Given the right conditions, this kind of limerence can last for years.

 

I don't mean to contradict you continuously. As you said earlier, the OP has had a lot of responses now and it's now up to him to come up with some actions of his own in order to deal with it.

 

My frustration on LS is just that I would like to see some better understanding of this particular phenomenon. There must be many more people out there who suffer through this kind of limerence again and again in their lives ... it makes you feel like you are going crazy. I actually think it is strongly related to depression, and it may even be ameliorated with anti-depressant treatment.

 

I would be more than happy to research this so I can gain a better understanding

[CrossRhodes]

I would be more than happy to research this so I can gain a better understanding

 

Thanks Mary I'm sorry if I came across as combative in this thread.

[Mary3]

Limerance is the psychological state characterized by deep, addictive infatuation that humans fall into upon "falling in love" but that rarely lasts more than a few years. Sometimes, with a probability of less than about 1 in 10, a limerant relationship transforms into a more "realistic," staid, long-term, sometimes deeply loving and sometimes deathly boring relationship. In this sense, limerance is a state of "knocking like crazy on the door" ....

 

 

"[The] strong and insistent feelings designed to get two sets of DNA within hailing distance of each other to create yet a third set of DNA."

 

bit more elegant: "[L]imerance is ... rooted in the body's need to reproduce. It has a highly sexual orientation because seed planting and growing is its reason for existence. It is blind because cognitive considerations get in the way. It is jealous .... because nature wants the organism's seed to be the one to reproduce. It is temporary because once the imperative (and it is a very strong one!) is satisfied nature wants another genetic combination."

 

...

Yeah...

...

[dropdeadlegs]

Hmmm...This limerence thting has got me thinking. I don't think I've experienced it myself, but I looked it up on wikipedia because i like new words and pride myself on my extensive vocabulary. It's an interesting concept and

I had no idea that it had a term.

 

About 15 years ago I contacted my high school boyfriend, my first love, out of simple curiosity as to his well being and happiness. It was a thing I did at the time, I contacted many people from that era of my life. Anyway, my high school boyfriend said some things that I found disturbing. He said that he had two beautiful children. then he proceeded to say that every time he looks at them he wished they were mine. That freaked me out. It turned me cold. I couldn't identify with that kind of thought.

 

Could that have been limerence?

 

Just curious.

 

Now tat you have two men who completely identify with your situation, aren't you glad you stayed Uplooker?

[CrossRhodes]

He said that he had two beautiful children. then he proceeded to say that every time he looks at them he wished they were mine. That freaked me out. It turned me cold. I couldn't identify with that kind of thought.

 

Could that have been limerence?

 

I think a lot of guys have a special place in their lives for their first love. Could be limerence ... saying "every time" is pretty heavy, kinda scary too! Maybe he got carried away and just meant "some times"?

 

PS. I just got Private Messages turned on - yay!!!! *dances*

[dropdeadlegs]

I think a lot of guys have a special place in their lives for their first love. Could be limerence ... saying "every time" is pretty heavy, kinda scary too! Maybe he got carried away and just meant "some times"?

 

PS. I just got Private Messages turned on - yay!!!! *dances*

Yeah, he could have meant sometimes. Still it freaked me out to hear something like that.

 

I'm not even sure if I was his first love, just that he was mine. I have no regrets for leaving him (I moved several states away) and am sure that our "love" was destined for doom. Looking back I feel that the relationship was too one-sided. I feel that I cared more than he did for many reasons I won't go into on this thread. Yet I recognize that while men appear to be less involved at times, that they may have a harder time letting go, ultimately. At least that has been my experience,

 

Thank you for responding! And PM's are something to rejoice about!

[CrossRhodes]

I'm not even sure if I was his first love, just that he was mine. I have no regrets for leaving him (I moved several states away) and am sure that our "love" was destined for doom. Looking back I feel that the relationship was too one-sided. I feel that I cared more than he did for many reasons I won't go into on this thread. Yet I recognize that while men appear to be less involved at times, that they may have a harder time letting go, ultimately.

 

Interesting that he seemed to still have a place for you in his heart after all those years, and yet during the relationship, you felt he didn't care as much as you did ... you seem to have closure in any case.

[dropdeadlegs]

Interesting that he seemed to still have a place for you in his heart after all those years, and yet during the relationship, you felt he didn't care as much as you did ... you seem to have closure in any case.

I have closure in all cases. That is something that seems to be lacking for many LSer's, but not for me. Maybe my closure is directly related to my current happiness? As in closure doesn't even matter when one is truly happy. Happiness IS closure of the past.

 

Not saying that's true for all, but maybe it explains it for me.

 

Uplooker, I am really happy that you have some supporters here on your thread. I think that is so important,as having an understanding ear is what LS is about. I'm glad you came. I'm glad that you have empty and CrossRhodes.

[Guest]

Interesting this limerance. I also contacted my ex from 20 years ago just to see how he was doing. I hadn't thought about him in years and we both are married and he with children. Once I heard his voice it took me right back to that place as I was very limerant about him and vice versa. He is the only man I ever wanted to have children with. After our conversation he stayed on my mine for a whole year and I had to fight my attraction for him even though we never talked again and lived 3,000 miles from each other.

[CrossRhodes]

Limerance is the psychological state characterized by deep, addictive infatuation that humans fall into upon "falling in love" but that rarely lasts more than a few years. Sometimes, with a probability of less than about 1 in 10, a limerant relationship transforms into a more "realistic," staid, long-term, sometimes deeply loving and sometimes deathly boring relationship. In this sense, limerance is a state of "knocking like crazy on the door" ....

 

I'm now scared of limerent relationships. I seem to stay limerent much longer than my partners, which sends me on a rollercoaster of anxiety and (brief) elation. It sucks. My next bit of personal growth will be to try to find ways to diminish the limerence gradually ... kind of come in for a smooth landing and go into the next phase of the relationship.

 

 

"[The] strong and insistent feelings designed to get two sets of DNA within hailing distance of each other to create yet a third set of DNA."

 

Probably true. I think it goes screwy in the hard-core cases (they really need to find a good adjective for this type).

 

bit more elegant: "[L]imerance is ... rooted in the body's need to reproduce. It has a highly sexual orientation because seed planting and growing is its reason for existence. It is blind because cognitive considerations get in the way. It is jealous .... because nature wants the organism's seed to be the one to reproduce. It is temporary because once the imperative (and it is a very strong one!) is satisfied nature wants another genetic combination."

 

...

Yeah...

...

 

Hard-core limerence is partly sexual but I think the sexual aspects are sublimated. The emotional part is the most obvious feature, but it seems to spin out of control in some people (e.g. me). Maybe it's something to do with our unique brain chemistry? I've read that it has something to do with serotonin and dopamine pathways.

 

Here's another great article on limerence if you feel like a read:

 

http://doctorogenki.tripod.com/smartsex/id18.html