Invitation to Married Men

[BUTAFLY]

Buckeybabe,

 

It stings doesn't. It truely is an emotional rape. for a man to pretend these feelings to elict emotions from a women and then to pull the rug out from underneath her is simply cruel. I shared things i've kept bottled up for years with him because I felt safe, I trusted him, I believed in us and he pretended to feel the same. I shared my heart and sole & my body with him, And what did he do...used it as amo against me. I feel my exmm stole something from me..........Gawd now I need a drink....This sucks

[Catharsis]

SINCEYOUASKED,

 

you have experience of lying to women and hearing others stories about mean "playing" "leading women on" ect... Then please tell me how is a women suppose to know when a man is ligit?

 

my background:

Met him at work; told me he was single;he pursued me for months; we started dating;waited to have sex; met his family and friend; weekend trips;told me he loved me; discussed marriage; shopped for rings; next thing I know he is getting married (he had been engaged the whole time). I thought I did everything right what went wrong? Is this apart of the game you guys talk about?

If we can't count on words or actions then how do we know for sure when a man means it.

 

Wow, BUTAFLY, your story is very similar to mine when I first met "MM" in college. He pursued me intensely, but we did have sex very soon (we were both in our early 20s). However, he even stopped having sex with me for a while to prove to me that our relationship wasn't all about sex to him. All his friends and family knew me too, he even sent me love messages/songs on the radio (you know, those requests). He was the one to bring up marriage, and when I said that I wanted to wait, he flipped. I never understood why - and that's why I ended up contacting him for closure. He became cold and distant and when he moved away to go a new university, he went back to his old GF who had waited like a vulture for us to break up. He even told me how he didn't love her at all, how she was just jealous of me, that he only wanted me, etc. And all these years later, when I contacted him for closure, he told me the same exact crap, making it sound as if he made the biggest mistake of his life going back to her. But yet, he sends her the sappiest letters and the two appear like the perfectly happy family. And he cheats on her with countless young women.

 

So yes, I also never understood how a guy can be all crazy about you one minute, and then dumps you like a bad habit and marry someone who he dissed just a few months earlier.

[jerseyblue29eyes]

Buckeybabe,

 

It stings doesn't. It truely is an emotional rape. for a man to pretend these feelings to elict emotions from a women and then to pull the rug out from underneath her is simply cruel. I shared things i've kept bottled up for years with him because I felt safe, I trusted him, I believed in us and he pretended to feel the same. I shared my heart and sole & my body with him, And what did he do...used it as amo against me. I feel my exmm stole something from me..........Gawd now I need a drink....This sucks

 

I really feel bad for you. I also feel emotionally raped. And now feel so vulnerable also.

 

Like some guys think because someone is naturally friendly, that she is coming on to them? Not my situation, but I could see it happening.

 

Hu:love:gs to you.

[BenThereDunThat]

Buckeybabe & Butafly,

 

Thank you. I have been feeling the same way, and feeling silly for doing so.

 

Wow, I did not realize how much what sinceyouasked said really bothered me.

 

..........

 

I rude awakening, isn't it? :sick:

[BUTAFLY]

Thanks Jerseyblue. Whats your story?

[jerseyblue29eyes]

My experience with my MM is on page 1or 2, entitled, I Met My MM and why do I feel so sad about him and I?---something like that. I think and I tried so hard all day to keep busy with friends and not checking my cell and e-mail but just did.

 

Of course, he sent me these sweet lines and I should have just deleted any message from him, but had to peek. Now, I feel I want to listen to his new messages on my cell from Saturday.

 

I am going to read yours again and see if I can offer you any advice also.

 

I feel so stupid sometimes, I also am a grad student and my family/friends think I am so happy--but they don't know my secret. Only one friend does and she is trying to support me emotionally.

 

It hurts right now, because I am home where he lives, now I have to get on a plane in the morning and try to focus again.

 

Sorry, if I am just ranting, I am cried out and realize I need to do the right thing for all involved even if hurts so much.

[jerseyblue29eyes]

Buckeybabe & Butafly,

 

Thank you. I have been feeling the same way, and feeling silly for doing so.

 

Wow, I did not realize how much what sinceyouasked said really bothered me.

 

..........

 

I rude awakening, isn't it? :sick:

 

Yes, it was. Like a slap in the face.

[BUTAFLY]

Catharsis,

our men do sound similar...It makes me wonder if this is part of some sick player rule book.

-My ex also wanted to stop having sex to prove he wasn't with me just fun.

-My ex also was the first to say I love you and bring up marriage.

-There was a time when I scenced something was off and I tried braking up with him and he begged for us to stay together then he stepped his game up.

-he called me when he got back from his honeymoon and told me make a big mistake and I quote "How do you think I felt when she was walking down the isle and I was wishing it were you".

 

I don't know want to make of it...I would love closure also but i am committed to NC.

[BuckeyeBabe]

Ok, I had a half bottle of wine. Getting ready to finish the other half. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who felt that way. For some reason sinceyouasked's posting made quite an impression on me - kind of like the impression a footprint leaves on a heart!!!!!

I wish all who share my feelings happy drinking and a speedy healing process!!

[Chapter2]

Okay BTDT, BEB, BF, JB29, LNF and Catharsis...(hope I didn't leave anyone out)

 

Firstly~~please don't tear yourself down~~you aren't stupid, you weren't an idiot for believing what someone else said to you and you weren't dumb for trusting another's words~~there is absolutely NO shame in having loved someone, trusted someone or having believed in someone.

 

Just because sinceyouasked was able to comletely use and trash another human being does not in any way mean that was done to you or to me. Please don't give one person in the entire universe the power to make you feel one bit less than what you. His story is a snapshot of one relationship in this world. The only people in this world that know what your relationship was like is the two peopel in it...you and him.

 

I get into major trouble when I assume a negative comment or story by one person means that must have been what happened to me. Do I think I was lied to at times by my xMM? I do. Do I think I was lied to 100% of the time? No, I don't. I think the MM can mean things in the moment and when hit with the possibiliity of losing their home, status with family, community, children, etc., reputation, money, they re-asses and, at times, literally freak out.

 

I'm sure there are men out there that are just like SYA's but that doesn't mean every man is. He seems to have truly been looking for a piece of arss and greatly needed strokes and attention from someone other than his wife. I'm very proud of him for admitting his true character especially on a public forum.

 

I knew my xMM for two years before there was anything more than a friendship. He just wasn't cut from the same cloth as SYA'd He and I wrestled with guilt the entire duration of the subsequent affair and stopped and started it many times before finally completely stopping it. He still feels huge remorse for what he put me through and owns every bit of it. He knows the only way he will heal is through coming to grips with how EVERYONE was hurt, not just the BS or the WS, hence, he continues individual counseling to work on it. Am I angry about what he did to me? You better believe it! He made a million promises he had no right to make and could never keep and "we" should have never happened. But I can't get stuck there.

 

Please don't take SYA's opinion of his xOW as a reflection of your worth or what you may have meant to your xMM. That would be no different than taking the perfect husband or man on the planet and saying "well, every man feels and acts exactly like he does"...that's impossible.

 

I do hope SYA continues to post on his renewed marriage and life. It will be interesting to see if he ever cheats again when he feels he needs attention or adoration that he may not consistently get at home.

 

Here's to continued healing for each of you and please don't think every man is like SYA...thankfully they are not:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[Chapter2]

I got the same vibe LNF...oh well...

 

it's not so much I don't believe it could what a man might have thought or done..it's just I don't believe a man would bother to be so wordy with the tale...it is just the way it was written and than he only made 2 posts at all just kinda make me think it was a woman *shrugs*

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I am sad to see so many OWs doubting the authenticity of MANALIVE's post. While his post does not apply to my case - and perhaps because of it - I do believe that it is TRUE for 80% of men who cheat. Let's face it, girls. If a man truly loves you as he says he does, why wouldn't he divorce his wife? Why are you good enough for a secret liason, but not good enough to admit to his friends? Men are cowards. They fear showing their emotions. Having an affair is like a having an outlet for them to release their pent-up emotions.

 

Really, I think that OWs get the shorter end of the stick.

[pureinheart]

Thank you so much Puddle ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Yes, things are much better...you know they got better when I walked away from that MM....

 

 

Hey Butafly....we should trust people until they give us a reason not to....if others deceive us, shame on them....

[Chapter2]

I've read that men have lost kingdoms for the women they love...that is true. I think there are a billion other factors that drop into the equation when someone is married (I know-- that's pretty much a duh) but you're probably right in that a large percentage may just be looking to get laid, ego stroked, etc. THANK GOD we don't end up with them!

 

 

I am sad to see so many OWs doubting the authenticity of MANALIVE's post. While his post does not apply to my case - and perhaps because of it - I do believe that it is TRUE for 80% of men who cheat. Let's face it, girls. If a man truly loves you as he says he does, why wouldn't he divorce his wife? Why are you good enough for a secret liason, but not good enough to admit to his friends? Men are cowards. They fear showing their emotions. Having an affair is like a having an outlet for them to release their pent-up emotions.

 

Really, I think that OWs get the shorter end of the stick.

[BenThereDunThat]

Thanks so much for your post....

 

 

BTDT

[magichands]

Thanks so much for your post....

 

 

BTDT

What's wrong with wanting your trunk stroked? Or does that happen in Chapter3??

[frannie]

Yes I went through with the seperation and divorce.

 

My divorce has been final for almost 2 years. As far as OW, her H had a business that went under about a year before I seperated from my ex. At the time of my seperation they were sitting on almost $60000 worth of debt. She wouldnt/ couldnt leave with that over her head.

 

That was cleared just a couple weeks ago. Infact it was her actions just after that that lead me to this board. she got really distant for a while and left me a little confused.

 

Long story short, she has left her husband, has filed for divorce. Am I WITH her? She is still my best friend, which she was even before my divorce. We are still talking about a long term relationship, even making plans for her and her kids to move in with me and mine down the road, but right now she is taking a much needed stress break.

 

What was it about her that made me stick to leaving? Where do I start??

 

Even before she told me how she felt I knew I had a friend in her that was 1 in a million. She was very supportive in alot of things that I do. Didnt look down on me for my faults.

 

There were two big reasons I hadnt stuck to leaving plans prior

 

1) My ex had me convinced that no one else would want me. I mean who in their right mind would take on a guy with 2 teenage boys that he was VERY active with?? What woman would put up with a guy and his kids taking off to go 1000 miles to go dirt biking?? What woman would REALLY put up with my line of work??

 

2) My kids. I have always been the one involved with them. Years ago my ex even made the comment to me that I needed to stop having so much fun with them and stop having them so active. I didnt want to lose out on that.

 

My MW got me to believe that I was a decent guy and that there are woman out there who would LOVE how involved I am with my kids. She is also the one who got me to fight for shared custody. Turned out to be the best thing I did because I actually ended up with FULL custody.

 

I'm going to quote this post because I think it bears re-reading, and predictably was lost amongst the (understandable) shock over the Manalive post..

 

Not every MM has no feelings for his OW, or goes into an affair simply to stoke up a flagging ego.

[bonehead]

have alot of feelings for her. They run from best friend to worse nightmare. lol

 

But the relationship built up over years, it wasnt a meet and sparks fly. There was something there but it was more like a good friend you havent seen in years.

 

And thanks for the quote. I really hate the thought of me being an exception.

[Chapter2]

Don't quit your day job MH.

 

What's wrong with wanting your trunk stroked? Or does that happen in Chapter3??

[magichands]

Don't quit your day job MH.

It's touching that you consider me employable. But I empathise with your sentiment.

[Chapter2]

Now, that was funny:laugh:

 

It's touching that you consider me employable. But I empathise with your sentiment.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

have alot of feelings for her. They run from best friend to worse nightmare. lol

 

But the relationship built up over years, it wasnt a meet and sparks fly. There was something there but it was more like a good friend you havent seen in years.

 

And thanks for the quote. I really hate the thought of me being an exception.

 

BH, you are in the other 20% of MMs.

[pricillia]

have alot of feelings for her. They run from best friend to worse nightmare. lol

 

But the relationship built up over years, it wasnt a meet and sparks fly. There was something there but it was more like a good friend you havent seen in years.

 

And thanks for the quote. I really hate the thought of me being an exception.

 

This is interesting in the sense of how relationships develop... not just between MM and OW and vise versa, but in general.

[Adunaphel]

Sinceyouasked,

thank you so much for posting such honest posts.

They were both insightful and informative!

 

But second, and most important, I felt that the OW had set out to break up my marriage. I felt that her intentions were never to be "friends" as she had said. True, I got something out of the relationship, I got her focus, and that made me feel better, more valuable, for a period of time. And maybe for that I should be appreciative, but I felt the entire time and even more afterwards, that she was the pursuer, and was attempting to manipulate my life to suit her ends. I was just letting her believe that her manipulation was succeeding, when in truth it was not.

 

Are you sure you genuinely felt that way towards her, or do you think there could be a little chance that you were talking yourself into believing she was a homewrecker because it suited you best and eased your guilt?

 

No offence or attack meant, I am just genuinely curious - just asking.

 

If you had to guess, could it be a possibility that you were just finding excuses for messing up with her head without feeling bad about it?

[BenThereDunThat]

Sinceyouasked,

thank you so much for posting such honest posts.

They were both insightful and informative!

 

 

 

Are you sure you genuinely felt that way towards her, or do you think there could be a little chance that you were talking yourself into believing she was a homewrecker because it suited you best and eased your guilt?

 

No offence or attack meant, I am just genuinely curious - just asking.

 

If you had to guess, could it be a possibility that you were just finding excuses for messing up with her head without feeling bad about it?

 

Thank you for asking this. I'd like to know too. I would hate for my exMM to say I was trying to wreck his marriage. I'd hoped it was over and that he would end it, sure. But I never said that to him and I would not have wanted to have been the cause.