How would you feel in a sexless marriage?

[Mr. Lucky]

Could the lack of sex, or should I say, the spouse's CHOICE to not have a healthy sex life be considered a form of abuse?

 

Not trying to justify leaving my wife, it just hit me that maybe it could be.....

 

Maybe not abuse per se, but certainly a dealbreaker. And I don't think you should feel guilty for feeling this way as I'm sure your wife has her own set of dealbreakers. Most of us do...

 

Moose, in your discussions with her, have you ever expressed that thought? That a lack of sex (and all the much discussed baggage that goes along with it) makes you wonder sometimes if you can stay in the marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Moose]

Moose, in your discussions with her, have you ever expressed that thought? That a lack of sex (and all the much discussed baggage that goes along with it) makes you wonder sometimes if you can stay in the marriage?

I've never brought up leaving our marriage as it's unconceivable, (in her eyes), for me to do so.

 

I may wonder from time to time if I can suffice being sex starved like this without diving into temptation, but what's more unthinkable is that 5-10 years from now when/if my kids come to visitation on, "my" weekend that they would hold resentment against me for not keeping my dick in my pants......so I just carry on......

 

I feel that they wouldn't even consider the fact that I could've been pushed into other alternatives like an affair anyways......

 

My desire for more sex, (ANY SEX), isn't as important to me as the welfare of my family as a whole.

 

As far as I can tell, Mrs. Moose isn't getting physical with anyone else, so I don't have a leg to stand on in that regards.

 

She may be getting emotional support from the SS teacher and his wife and I know most people here consider that as cheating, and maybe they're right......but is that, (on top of no sex), enough to put my family through hell by getting a divorce? I personally don't think it is.

 

Would it be better if I had an affair and hope that I'll never get caught? I couldn't live with the guilt......

 

How about finding what some call a, "FBuddy", who'll satisfy me, then walk away emotionless? The guilt thing again......

 

From where I sit, I think I've screwed the pooch so to speak........so I'll sit tight, and hope this is just another phase.....

[bluetuesday]

My desire for more sex, (ANY SEX), isn't as important to me as the welfare of my family as a whole...

 

From where I sit, I think I've screwed the pooch so to speak........so I'll sit tight, and hope this is just another phase.....

 

hello moose.

 

i've not been following this thread until i just read it today after seeing your name on it... because i saw in another thread that you're going through a bit of a rough time at home and wondered how you are.

 

my closest friend has been shown no physical affection by her partner for almost 4 years now. it has had a terrible effect on her and i believe it is very definitely emotional abuse. the situation is that my friend is told off every time she makes a move and is accused of 'putting pressure' on her partner, who then tells her if she hadn't pushed it might have been okay but now she has, it's all been ruined again.

 

so if my friend doesn't push, her partner seems perfectly happy to keep the status quo and remain 'non physical' with her. and if she does try to suggest something she is rejected and told she's put back any chance she ever had of getting lucky. all in all, it's intolerable for her and has reduced her self-confidence to the point where she is now really not strong enough to leave the relationship.

 

i tell you this because i think it's important to assess whether this is a phase which can be overcome, or whether it is the new pattern for how things will be for the future between you and mrs m.

 

you are a man trying to do the decent thing, i can see that, but no amount of apologising for perceived wrongs will make someone forgive you unless in their heart they want to. yes, it does take time to heal. but if five years is not long enough, who's to say 10 is? if you can encourage your wife to talk to her pastor, maybe, to do something to try to work this through. it won't resolve on its own IME.

 

truly i believe that marriage is sacred and that all steps should be taken to preserve a marriage wherever possible. however, i don't think that in all cases, a marriage should be preserved when one partner is being hostile to the other and not faithfully trying to work it out. how is that fulfiling your wedding vows?

 

like you, i don't think you should be entertaining an affair or a f***buddy. that's not the man you are.

[StayClose]

I don't know if withholding sex is a form of abuse, but I will argure that it is a form of cheating. How so? I will explain...

 

Let's look at the word "cheat" in a different context.

 

Let's say you sign a contract for a roofer to install a new roof on your house. He does the work, and you refuse to pay him. He can't take the new roof back, so by not paying him, you are cheating him.

 

OTOH, if you pay the roofer in advance and he never does the work, he is cheating you.

 

Now in a marraige as most people define it, you are agreeing to give ONE PERSON your exclusive sexual attention. If you give sexual attention to anyone else, that is cheating. But implicit in the agreement to give exclusive sexual attention to one person, is that that person should give sexual attention to you. Is it really right to call it cheating when your spouse is giving someone else sexual attention that yes, you are entitled to, you don't actually want?

[Mr. Lucky]

I may wonder from time to time if I can suffice being sex starved like this without diving into temptation, but what's more unthinkable is that 5-10 years from now when/if my kids come to visitation on, "my" weekend that they would hold resentment against me for not keeping my dick in my pants......so I just carry on......

I understand exactly what you're saying - it's almost a perfect trap. Your heart vs. your dick, winner take nothing. Tough, tough position to be in. Keep trying, all you can do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tommyr]

So I'm back to either waiting for her to initiate, or trying to interpret her body language and nonverbal cues and then taking a risk by trying to initiate - or take the safe route and look at porn instead.

 

I believe LadyJane is 100% correct when she said a wife who is not even thinking about sex will NEVER initiate. Fine, OK, I accept that.

 

Its MY JOB to initiate, always, and I can accept that too.

 

But where I am stuck right now is exactly what you just said "trying to interpret her body language and nonverbal cues" . Many times in the past I have ignored all of her outward signs and done what Mr Lucky suggests: the strong-sell "Let's have sex tonite" approach. And so far, that tactic has been 100% counter-productive. When her body language screams STAY AWAY, FOOL! but I ignore that and approach anyway, the result is predictable: wife gets annoyed and STILL no sex.

 

OK so the basic message from Mr Lucky is that I must simply try harder. So tonight I have pulled out all stops for gaining her favor. Came home from work early. Brought her a big vase of her favorite flowers for V-Day. Signed the card Madly in love w you- let me show you how much! Told her to get away for a break from the kids after dinner (she will do some personal things for a few hours while I get the kids into bed). And if despite all that she gets home and heads for her computer (instead of to bed with me) then I will even try Mr Lucky's advice.

 

But you know what? I can't help thinking: it really shouldn't be this damn hard for me to get laid on a semi-regular basis! For real, even in my single days it was a few nice phone calls, a dinner, maybe a show or event, and the girl would be all over me. What about marriage changes this?

[Pink_Tulip]

Hey tommy, I was wondering if maybe it is your wife's personality that is causing some problems? I am a very type A person. I have every minute of every day planned in advance, and nothing bothers me more than having a kink in the schedule. As I have gotten older I have learned to relax a bit, but it is a constant struggle. It used to annoy the hell out of me when my H would ask me for sex, b/c it wasn't in my schedule. I know it sounds crazy, but that is just how I am wired. So my H would get mad I was turning him down, and I was getting frustrated that he was springing things on me when he knew it drove me nuts.

 

So our comprimise came with him asking in advance. In the morning he'd ask if I'd be up for sex that night. Since it was before I had planned my day, I had no problem making time for that. Then that night when I was ready, I'd let him know it was time to retreat to the bedroom. It is better now, as I said I have ligthtened up a lot. But in the beginning, it was really helpful for me to have him respect the way I deal with things and to work within that. It made me respect him and want to please him, since he was so willing to make things comfortable for me, you know?

 

I obviously don't know your wife, but it sounds like she understands the situation, but is stuck in carrying it out. Maybe this would work for her too? It would give her a better sense of control, and show her how you respect her boundries and all? Just a thought. Don't give up yet, we'll get you through this!

 

ETA- also, it helped me be in the mood, since I was thinking about it all day, and that helped with my libido a lot.

[Scrivdog]

Moose,

 

You're in a place for a long time. What kept me there so long was the fallacy of thinking that this was just some phase. It took me a long time to realize that it isn't. It's pretty much permanent.

 

I have a question to ask ..

 

If God himself came down and told you that your wife isn't going to change and leaving her is OK with him. And if he told you that your kids won't resent you for it .. would you do it?

 

 

I've never brought up leaving our marriage as it's unconceivable, (in her eyes), for me to do so.

 

I may wonder from time to time if I can suffice being sex starved like this without diving into temptation, but what's more unthinkable is that 5-10 years from now when/if my kids come to visitation on, "my" weekend that they would hold resentment against me for not keeping my dick in my pants......so I just carry on......

 

I feel that they wouldn't even consider the fact that I could've been pushed into other alternatives like an affair anyways......

 

My desire for more sex, (ANY SEX), isn't as important to me as the welfare of my family as a whole.

 

As far as I can tell, Mrs. Moose isn't getting physical with anyone else, so I don't have a leg to stand on in that regards.

 

She may be getting emotional support from the SS teacher and his wife and I know most people here consider that as cheating, and maybe they're right......but is that, (on top of no sex), enough to put my family through hell by getting a divorce? I personally don't think it is.

 

Would it be better if I had an affair and hope that I'll never get caught? I couldn't live with the guilt......

 

How about finding what some call a, "FBuddy", who'll satisfy me, then walk away emotionless? The guilt thing again......

 

From where I sit, I think I've screwed the pooch so to speak........so I'll sit tight, and hope this is just another phase.....

[a4a]

Lack of sex is just not going without sex. It for many is going on in a R with a lack of intimacy and connection....... If a spouse withheld a hug or kiss for 4 years how would that be judged? Or chose not to utter a single word?

 

If sex is a connection for you then she needs to be made aware of that. If you are hurting (not just blue balls) but a real heartfelt hurt from lack of intimacy tell her. No woman wants to be thought of as a cumdumpster by her spouse. I need to get off and you are supposed to provide that - just won't float..

 

I still believe this has a link to the past and a bit of control on her part through withdrawl.

 

Moose sounds like you provide on the financial end pretty well..... sounds like you also provide as a father..... are you providing as a lover?

 

Again not saying it is your fault.... but when you are getting a undesired reaction first place to check is on your own side- are you providing the proper stimulus?

 

I would point blank ask her or say " honey, I don't know what is happening with us. I miss you. Being intimate with you makes me feel connected to you and I feel lost without that closeness between us. What can I do to get you to understand how alone I feel with this part of our life missing? "

 

add on how making love to her makes you feel....... how it is such an important gift that she can give you. Something you want, desire, and hope she is willing to give.

 

Once done/said in a way without blame she is now AWARE of EXACTLY how she is hurting you........... then you can move forward to the next step/decision.

[Scrivdog]

- are you providing the proper stimulus?

 

 

Oh boy .. here we go

[a4a]

Oh boy .. here we go

 

.... if you cannot get what you want with the current plan you have then you need to figure out why.

 

If you figure out what buttons to push, or how to engage a person with the right formula then you get what you want or need from them.

 

Being stubborn and just expecting it will not work. You have to figure out what they want from you as well to make the exchange.

[Ladyjane14]

Some of you guys need to "up the ante". When you've made your feelings very clear, and you've given her the REAL skinny on what a sexual relationship within the marriage means to you emotionally.... it's time to get her attention. If that means packing a bag and spending a few nights at the local motel "thinking" about if you want to be married to a woman who doesn't care to prioritize your needs... then THAT's what it's gonna take.

 

I guarantee you, your wives might bitch and carry on.... but that's mostly bravado. She'll accuse you of not caring about how she feels, and she'll act like your a dirty old goat trying to have your nasty way with her. She'll do her best to make you feel like a pervert.

 

But in the wee hours, while she's sitting on the edge of her empty bed wondering if you're going to divorce her or not... she's going to also wonder if she was wrong. That's the GOLDEN MOMENT, the time when you can get through to her. And if you open up the lines of communication right then... you have a fairly good chance of having her SEE your side of the problem.

 

People will treat you like you let them, even people who sincerely love you. It's a matter of personal responsibility and even 'care for your mate' when you proactively disallow people to hurt you. She doesn't WANT to hurt you. For her own good... don't let her.

[Mr. Lucky]

OK so the basic message from Mr Lucky is that I must simply try harder. So tonight I have pulled out all stops for gaining her favor. Came home from work early. Brought her a big vase of her favorite flowers for V-Day. Signed the card Madly in love w you- let me show you how much! Told her to get away for a break from the kids after dinner (she will do some personal things for a few hours while I get the kids into bed). And if despite all that she gets home and heads for her computer (instead of to bed with me) then I will even try Mr Lucky's advice.

Well? Don't leave us hanging

 

Mr. Lucky

[tommyr]

Well? Don't leave us hanging

 

Since you asked: she DID go straight to her computer!! I debated over this for a good long while... interrupt her ... no, leave her be... strong sell .... no, she will just get annoyed...

 

I decided to goto bed, but wait for a while before turning out the light. If she hadn't made it to bed by then, I was thinking about how much I liked to visit San Diego and maybe I would move there and open a bicycle repair shop or something.

 

About 5 minutes before my chosen lights-out hour, she actually came upstairs, quickly undressed (winter vest, bathrobe, wrapped in a blanket) and jumps into bed all ready to go! So then today she sends the kids to daycare and invites me home for lunch (without food .. except some whipped cream)

 

Damn women!! Just when you think they are good for nothing, ready to move on with life.... then they go and screw your brains out and leave you powerless.

[whichwayisup]

then they go and screw your brains out and leave you powerless.

But you've got a huge smile on your face, don'tcha!

[MrsHellFire]

"Likewise, some choose a life of celibacy."

 

 

Are you referring to priests? Like the ones that rape little boys..

[Mr. Lucky]

"Likewise, some choose a life of celibacy."

 

 

Are you referring to priests? Like the ones that rape little boys..

Possible nomination as the most OT post of the year

 

Mr. Lucky

[Prudence]

Hello, I am brand new here but just wanted to say, in response to the original question about how I would feel in a sexless marriage, I feel doomed. I've been in a sexless marriage for several years now and the issue has really come up for me again lately. In almost all other ways, we have a good marriage and my husband is great and fun and funny, but I have admitted to myself that I am not physically attracted to him and I really don't know what to do. Our sex life has never been great, but it used to be a little bit better. It's nonexistant now. Aside from my husband not being interested in sex, how do you tell your spouse that it's hard to feel attracted to him?

 

So anyway, this thread has been interesting and I'm always glad to know that there are few other souls in similar boats. So thanks to everyone for sharing!

[Mr. Lucky]

Aside from my husband not being interested in sex, how do you tell your spouse that it's hard to feel attracted to him?

Which came first - the non-interest or lack of attraction?

 

Mr. Lucky

[minucha]

i believe sexless marriages are not for me... what is a man-woman relationship if there is no sex involved??? well, they can stay friends or close bodies, but won't be lovers.... to me, even ones a week is sort of sexless... just my opionion... sex bonds people more into various levels and it is god's gift to us.... please.... no sex??? maybe when i turn 70 i will understand...... viva to lovemaking with those we truely love....

[Prudence]

Which came first - the non-interest or lack of attraction?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hi Mr. Lucky,

 

You know, that is kind of hard to answer. I think they are both really intertwined. I believe that for me, the lack of attraction came first. For my husband, I think the non-interest came first. From what he's said, when we first met he thought I was cute and wanted to go out with me, so I think he used to be attracted to me. For me, it was really more about his personality and our emotional connection rather than lust or physical attraction.

 

This is a hard place to be. It's so interesting to hear other people's opinions on this. I sure didn't realize how many other people are involved in sexless marriages.

 

Thank you for asking!

[Prudence]

i believe sexless marriages are not for me... what is a man-woman relationship if there is no sex involved??? well, they can stay friends or close bodies, but won't be lovers.... to me, even ones a week is sort of sexless... just my opionion... sex bonds people more into various levels and it is god's gift to us.... please.... no sex??? maybe when i turn 70 i will understand...... viva to lovemaking with those we truely love....

 

Hi minucha,

 

I didn't think they were for me, either! But sometimes circumstances, or choices, lead you to places you didn't know you were headed. Or sometimes we're in denial about things and not sure what we want ourselves. I agree with you that sex is God's gift!

[Mr. Lucky]

Hi Mr. Lucky,

 

You know, that is kind of hard to answer. I think they are both really intertwined. I believe that for me, the lack of attraction came first. For my husband, I think the non-interest came first. From what he's said, when we first met he thought I was cute and wanted to go out with me, so I think he used to be attracted to me. For me, it was really more about his personality and our emotional connection rather than lust or physical attraction.

 

This is a hard place to be. It's so interesting to hear other people's opinions on this. I sure didn't realize how many other people are involved in sexless marriages.

 

Thank you for asking!

The reason I asked is that one (the non-interest) can be a reaction to the other (the lack of attraction). If your partner senses a change in your feelings towrd him, he may respond by withdrawing. From an ego standpoint, it is easier for many men to say "I'm not going to approach my partner" than it is to say "I tried but didn't succeed".

 

Why did it take marriage for you to decide that your attraction to "his personality and our emotional connection" was no longer sustaining?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ladyjane14]

For my husband, I think the non-interest came first. From what he's said, when we first met he thought I was cute and wanted to go out with me, so I think he used to be attracted to me.

 

Sometimes when a man "loses interest", it's because his testosterone level is down. This can be checked by a simple blood test and treated with replacement therapy.

 

Sometimes it's the early onset of ED, which is often associated with other physical ailments like diabetes and hypertension.

 

Sometimes... it's just a personality issue and he's simply not all that interested in sex.

 

I do think it's important to rule out medical causes though.

A man who's lost interest in sex ought to be encouraged to have a full work-up with his doctor. Sexual health is often fairly indicative of a man's general state of health.

[Prudence]

The reason I asked is that one (the non-interest) can be a reaction to the other (the lack of attraction). If your partner senses a change in your feelings towrd him, he may respond by withdrawing. From an ego standpoint, it is easier for many men to say "I'm not going to approach my partner" than it is to say "I tried but didn't succeed".

 

Why did it take marriage for you to decide that your attraction to "his personality and our emotional connection" was no longer sustaining?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky, your first point is well taken. As for the question about why it took marriage...well, I don't know if I know right now. Maybe I just finally got fed up with no sex. And I think I've become dependent myself on his emotional support. I've had some major stressful events recently and they have caused some issues to crop up. I won't make any major decisions while going through this period, but I'm trying to take stock of what really matters. We are going to try marriage counseling.

 

I don't want to bore anyone with boring details, but I do appreciate your talking to me about it because I don't really have anyone else to talk to right now, and it's good to get some objective perspective.

 

My husband has said that he does not consider himself a sexual person. He said that before, when our sex life was better, so it isn't really related to us. And I've got some inhibition issues which may have affected him, but I don't know, he's never said so.

 

I appreciate your thoughts.