How would you feel in a sexless marriage?

[Moose]

And I've been through it so many times, but this time feels different for some reason.

 

All the other times, I felt the same way as you. That NOW she wants it, and NOW it's ok....but when it comes down to ME wanting it.....well forget it.

 

But now I feel like she's aware, (she has to be aware as much as I have brought it up), and there is something that SHE could do about it, but refuses to. Like all of the ladies in here have said, it's HER CHOICE, and chooses not to be a consistant part of that in my life.

 

Call it resentment, I don't know if that's right though. More of the thought of what in the world am I going to do now after 19 years of marriage????

[Lackoluv]

Hate to go here but, Ive been dealing with this same problem for a couple of years now. I have to donate a major organ before she will have sex with me.( and not the organ i want to give her ) LOL.. Anyway i dont want to whine but what the hell is a guy to do. Its left my ego and self esteem in the gutter. If i were to cheat, then its all my fault, even though she brushes off my advances. She found some porn on my computer and flipped out. I said its better than me cheating on you what did you expect a guy to do? It shouldnt be this freakin difficult to please the one your suppose to love. Its not like i ask everyday or every other day or every two or three , know what i mean? She never seduces me, i have to stop talking to her and ignore her before she says WHATS WRONG ? WHY YOU MAD? WHAT DID I DO NOW? Holy F***ing S**T the head games. I know im venting and im sorry. I just dont know what to do, feel like im losing my mind. If i could find a way to start global warming between her legs. She walks by the thermostatand the furnace kicks on HELP!!!!!!!

[ThumbingMyWay]

More of the thought of what in the world am I going to do now after 19 years of marriage????

 

I have the same look...but more of

 

I am only 36 and I have about (HOPEFULLY) 25 or so more years of active sex left in me before ED or medications prevent me from having it anymore.

 

And I think...if its like this now....how am I going to survive another 25 years with 1 or 2 times a month....it really wheres on me.

 

it may sound selfish...but its still something that concerns me...

 

weekend starts NOW...cya monday

[EnigmasMuse]

Like all of the ladies in here have said, it's HER CHOICE, and chooses not to be a consistant part of that in my life.

 

Call it resentment, I don't know if that's right though.

 

 

Yes, and now its your CHOICE to what you feel you need to do about it.

 

Do you feel its something to end your marriage over? Do you feel its something you can accept and keep living with?

 

I dunno know if its resentment or not either, only she knows that.... but sometimes first comes resentment... then comes being comfortable in that resentment. In other words just laziness on her part. I think it could be a mixture of things. I don't think just ONE thing makes someone stop doing something they once did.

[Moose]

Yes, and now its your CHOICE to what you feel you need to do about it.

That's my WHOLE point! I'm out of ideas, thoughts, and feelings about it.

Do you feel its something to end your marriage over?

I'll be the first to say that no, it's not. But I don't know what else to do about it, I can't go on like this forever.

Do you feel its something you can accept and keep living with?

That's like buying a Lambroghini and parking in the garage with a tarp over it never to be seen by human eyes again. No. I don't think I can keep living with this.

 

What's that movie where someone throws away a perfectly good white boy??

weekend starts NOW...cya monday

Have a great weekend TMY!!! Talk at ya later!

[EnigmasMuse]

Moose has your wife read any of these posts by chance? I'm assuming she completley knows how you feel on this matter?

 

One more question, and I'm not asking this to be rude, or anything like that at all, I';m just trying to understand to thats all. Is it possible or do you think, there might be another? Or is that just out of the question? Sorry, I feel kind of bad for asking but, had to get that out of the way.

 

I remember once a friend of mine who was in counseling about how her husband wasn't meeting her needs. This was a woman who did most everything in the marraige. Her husband eventually wised up as to what needed to be done after years, and years, of his wife trying to tell him and show him, but guess what? After all those years of trying to tell him and show him what it was she wanted/needed from him, after he finally got it, and made a complete turn around, it was to late. It was just to late for her to reconnect with him the way she had orginally wanted him to connect with her. No there wasn't another, it was just to late. All that time had past, her waiting on him to finally get what she had been saying, but she had already been eaten up by resentment, anger, every emotion in the book you name it, and it over took her to the point that no matter what he did then, it didn't matter.

 

Do you think thats possibe? Do you think that after all your efforts, that she just no longer cares, and its just to late?

 

That story may not even have a thing to do with your situation. Thought I would share it because it does happen, but I hope in your case thats not what is happening.

[whichwayisup]

I can answer for Moose on this one - He has been a very loyal and loving husband to his wife. He's not perfect, noone is, but he comes pretty close to how he has treated his wife, been understanding, non demanding and such a family man too. Putting her first, doing things for her, and the kids...

 

From what I've read I just think she's become a non-sexual person, and that has nothing to do with Moose, or the state of their marriage. Something in HER has changed, whether it be by choice or it's hormonal.

[Flyin in Clouds]

... I don't know what to do. The last time we made love, about a week or so ago, it was very routine. I felt bored with it and then I felt guilty.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm kind of in the same boat as you are but on the other side of the coin.

 

I think, H is happy to just "get off" and I seem to want more excitement than just getting off lately.

 

I'm as confused as you are, like I said. I'm not sure what to do about it.

 

How about talking to him about being "bored" and discussing ways to spice things up? Do it in a nice way... without telling him love making sucks.

[Mr. Lucky]

BUT, I don't think that my wife is even interested in more excitement, or even routine sex.......this weekend will mark 2 months....

Wow Moose, that makes me angry and I'm not even the one living it. Two months! That's hard to comprehend

 

You must have the patience of a saint. I don't know if you have a spare or guest bedroom, but if you do moving into it can be a good "shock" treatment under those circumstances. It keeps you under the famial roof but sends a message that you're not willing to participate in a non-sexual relationship. Some partners are more concerned about appearances than substance, so if you take away the comfort level of sharing a bedroom it can be a wake-up call.

 

This admittedly last-ditch advice assumes that you have exhausted the more positive alternatives ( which, reading you posts, it seems you have). Given your discouraged mindset, might be time for something drastic. I feel for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ponderingfar]

I remember once a friend of mine who was in counseling about how her husband wasn't meeting her needs. This was a woman who did most everything in the marraige. Her husband eventually wised up as to what needed to be done after years, and years, of his wife trying to tell him and show him, but guess what? After all those years of trying to tell him and show him what it was she wanted/needed from him, after he finally got it, and made a complete turn around, it was to late. It was just to late for her to reconnect with him the way she had orginally wanted him to connect with her. No there wasn't another, it was just to late. All that time had past, her waiting on him to finally get what she had been saying, but she had already been eaten up by resentment, anger, every emotion in the book you name it, and it over took her to the point that no matter what he did then, it didn't matter. Do you think thats possibe? Do you think that after all your efforts, that she just no longer cares, and its just to late?

 

That story may not even have a thing to do with your situation. Thought I would share it because it does happen, but I hope in your case thats not what is happening.

 

EM,

well...that has a lot to do with my situation. My husband and I didn't go through honeymoon period, we only engage in intimacy if he has a physiologic or shall i call it pathologic (since it comes once in 2 or 3 months - to think we are newly married) call for sex. Worse, during the times that we would engage into this, his idea of "making love" is to pump pump pump then snore after he finishes. I just feel so violated and trampled upon. Through the years I have gotten used to sleeping on my side of the bed, though I haven't gotten used to his one-man symphony of snoring at night. Now, four years after, I just hate the thought of being intimate with him and I have nothing but hatred and resentment.

 

No matter what he does I only look at him as an antagonist and a villain. I do not know if it is right to say it is too late. But the thing is over and above being physically unavailable, he is also emotionally unavailable. I really feel so alone. It was better when I was single I was alone but I was not lonely. Now I am married, I am alone and lonely.

[Touche]

Good idea, Mr. Lucky. She needs a wake-up call.

 

The only other thing I have to add is this notion that masturbation is "stooping so low." It's really not. Is that a religious thing?

 

We both masturbate on occasion. I sometimes even "help" him if I'm not in the mood.

 

As for me, masturbating/fantasy keeps me from completely losing my drive. Someone has already pointed this out.

 

Why not start out by masturbating in front of her? Tell her you simply can't go on the way you are. Ask her to help you by talking to you in a way that turns you on and fondling/probing, etc. (If you get my drift.)

 

I'm sure you will balk at this but the fact of the matter is is that in 12 years we've never not had sex for two months. So there must be some validity to what I'm suggesting.

 

The other thing I wanted to say is that playing immature games by denying her when she's finally in the mood will get you nowhere. Thank god my H doesn't do that to me. You will never get back in the "groove" so to speak if you do that. You'll only be cutting off your own nose. Why play games? Why not just point out to her that you're always willing when SHE'S in the mood? That should make her think. My H has pointed that out to me and it did make me think. Now, even if I'm not in the mood, I will sometimes give in. And I always end up enjoying it in the end.

 

Don't give up. Tell her that you know you haven't always been a model husband but that you love her and still desire her...that you don't want to lose that aspect of your marriage.

[EnigmasMuse]

Have you never masterbated infront of her? Has it never been incorperated into your sex life?

 

If not, maybe its time. If this is a relgious issue for why you wont, I'm not sure I understand that. Its ok for man and woman to have sex, but not use masterbation, or at least together as part of the sexual bonding process? She might be limiting you sexually by not having it that often, but YOU are limiting yourself to your sexual needs by turning down masterbation.

[Mr. Lucky]

EM,

well...that has a lot to do with my situation. My husband and I didn't go through honeymoon period, we only engage in intimacy if he has a physiologic or shall i call it pathologic (since it comes once in 2 or 3 months - to think we are newly married) call for sex. Worse, during the times that we would engage into this, his idea of "making love" is to pump pump pump then snore after he finishes. I just feel so violated and trampled upon.

Just out of curiousity, Pondering, how long did you guys date before marriage? Did you have sex? Was it different then?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Moose]

Moose has your wife read any of these posts by chance? I'm assuming she completley knows how you feel on this matter?

She used to come here, but community forums aren't her thing. Yes, she knows exactly how I feel. She knows I'm hurt, that this makes me feel I'm lacking, and I feel frustrated.

One more question, and I'm not asking this to be rude, or anything like that at all, I';m just trying to understand to thats all. Is it possible or do you think, there might be another? Or is that just out of the question? Sorry, I feel kind of bad for asking but, had to get that out of the way.

Don't worry about it. That's a perfectly normal conclusion. And after last night, and this morning......I just don't know. And what I mean by that is not that there's another sexual partner, I don't think that that would never happen. BUT, when we got to the banquet, she seemed anxious to see our SS teacher. As soon as his wife asked us to check on him in the kitchen, she made a B line.....I had to walk a faster pace to keep up with her.

 

As soon as we got to the kitchen, he's just standing there stirring the gravey, talking to other members when she just cuts through everyone to get right up to him to proclaim, "Your wife said you were in the kitchen and we had better check on you" in a flirtacious way. Things started to click a little bit. She's always giving him a hard time, and razzing him. This is how her and her family act when they're together, and they've all said that's how they show their, "love" for one another. (our family gives hugs and kisses, and that shocked these folk).

 

He asked how I was, and I told him that work is slowing down finally, but I haven't done much of anything to my other projects he acts interested in because of the cold. He agrees and says he hopes we don't get any more snow. My wife interjects with Iowa stories of 6+ feet of the stuff at times......they wind up jawin' it for 15-20 minutes.....I'm forgotten.

 

Anyways....I noticed more flirting throughout the event, she even carried his Bible from the kitchen to the family center, (about 3 blocks away), to personally give to him, with his wife right by her side. I thought that was kinda weird, his wife had nothing in her hands.....why did MY wife feel the need to carry out this chore?

 

The night went on...a pair of couples put on a skit to demonstrate the, "stages" of, "Changing Love" in a marriage. The first couple came out dressed as a young couple, they're all happy and giddy and in love, everything is perfect even though they seem to have nothing.

 

They finish, and a slightly older couple comes in. This time, she's in a robe, carrying one child, and has another by the hand, and another following them with the phone between her ear and neck. She's talking to her mom telling her that she doesn't see her husband much because of work, he's so busy, so on and so on.

 

Husband walks in with his ear to his cell phone, (he warned me he was going to use my work lingo prior to the skit), he's chattering away about quotas, where each office is at with their quota, how far we are from goal(s).....

 

They struggle through dinner and husband is called away for work again.....they walk off stage.

 

The next couple comes in. This time their middle ages...they are financially stable, husband won't do anything but sit in front of the TV. Won't even come to the dinner table when called, puts his wife down, seems to ignore her. She gets frustrated and seems to be at her wits end, but at the end of this one she's still very much in love in with her husband, she just deals.

 

The last couple comes in, and they're off course old and bent over....wife is on the phone lovingly talking to their grand kids. Husband walks in, looks like he's been sleeping all day....he's shaking with illness. She spoon feeds him his breakfast, they talk about their past lives and how they grew old together and the changes they've endured.

 

I guess the theme is that our love for each other doesn't remain constant in a marriage.

 

It's funny because on the way in last night, Mrs. Moose said she couldn't find a V-day card for me because every one of them said that, "My love for you will never change", or, "I'll love you with all my heart forever", or, "Your unchanging love means everything to me". She said that none of them were true.

 

At first I was taken back, but it made sense. She said that she loves me more and more each day. And that there are/were days where she didn't love me so much. I can live with that, (I said to myself).

 

With all of that said, I feel that the stage we are in, (according to the skit theme), is where the husband, (me) has the cell phone to his ear, and the wife, (Mrs. Moose) is in the skit after where she's just, "going with the flow".

 

She claims that we're in the, "comfortable" stage of our love/marriage where each of us knows that we aren't going anywhere. We know now that we will remain together, "the excitement is over", (her words).

 

I told her that I wasn't ready for the "excitement" in the bedroom to be over, at which she responded promptly saying, "I don't think that's what the message meant"......that was all that was said about anything to do with the bedroom.

 

This morning, I wake up to her moaning in her sleep. She's always done this when she's in a deep sleep, and I don't know why. I've asked her several times if she's dreaming when this happens. She doesn't remember, and she doesn't know why. She's said that it even wakes her up sometimes and she can't figure out why she does it.

 

In conclusion, she's comfortable with me, flirty with our Sunday School teacher, (always has been), and I'm more frustrated than before. Things make a little more sense, like why she wants to go to every function he, (and his wife), goes to, why she volunteers so much time at Church.....I hate to think this way, but I'm going to keep my eye out over this.

 

We have a marriage retreat every year, and we weren't going to go because the speaker(s) this year are splitting the men and women up. But as SOON as Mrs. Moose heard our teachers where going, she insisted I make the reservation. Being the servant husband I am, I complied.

Do you think thats possibe? Do you think that after all your efforts, that she just no longer cares, and its just to late?

This has come to my mind also. And I don't think this is the case. She's told me in the past how proud she is that I pulled my head out of my behind and became someone she could love and fully trust again. And it's still a work in progress......the thing about it is, this, "work in progress" has been one-sided for a while. And I feel a little selfish saying this, but that IS getting old.

I can answer for Moose on this one - He has been a very loyal and loving husband to his wife. He's not perfect, noone is, but he comes pretty close to how he has treated his wife, been understanding, non demanding and such a family man too. Putting her first, doing things for her, and the kids...

 

From what I've read I just think she's become a non-sexual person, and that has nothing to do with Moose, or the state of their marriage. Something in HER has changed, whether it be by choice or it's hormonal.

Thanks WWIU. It's nice to be noticed, even though you made me blush a little....

I don't know if you have a spare or guest bedroom, but if you do moving into it can be a good "shock" treatment under those circumstances.

My office is right next to the master bedroom, I could sleep in there, but I don't think it's coming to that yet. Yes 2 months is a long time, but in all honesty, the last 5 weeks have been hectic for me and my business, and that has played a huge part in the length of this go around. Thanks for the suggestion though.

The only other thing I have to add is this notion that masturbation is "stooping so low." It's really not. Is that a religious thing?

My reasoning is two fold Touche. Number one, it is consider a sin to not deny myself for my wife's sake. Secondly, I've never felt the need to pleasure myself this way, I've always preferred the real deal.......even if I have to wait it out.....

Why not start out by masturbating in front of her? Tell her you simply can't go on the way you are. Ask her to help you by talking to you in a way that turns you on and fondling/probing, etc. (If you get my drift.)

PROBING IS OUT!!! LOL!! It's funny that you would mention the fondling part though. She's quite reserved when doing this. It's like pulling teeth to even get her to touch me there! I don't know why, she didn't used to have a problem with it.....this is something else that's been bothering me....

I'm sure you will balk at this but the fact of the matter is is that in 12 years we've never not had sex for two months. So there must be some validity to what I'm suggesting.

I'm not balking at it, it sounds good to me.....the fact is, we've already been there, and done that.....it obviously isn't her forte' anymore.

The other thing I wanted to say is that playing immature games by denying her when she's finally in the mood will get you nowhere. Thank god my H doesn't do that to me. You will never get back in the "groove" so to speak if you do that. You'll only be cutting off your own nose. Why play games?

I personally don't believe this is a game. Yes, I'm always in the mood, and she knows this Touche. BUT, is it fair that my needs are only being met when it's convenient for her? See, now you're making me feel selfish again......

 

I probably wouldn't deny her when the time comes, but I'm beginning to think that I may not even be interested in light of all that I've seen and heard lately. I'll have to see more positive steps being taken in my direction.....her opening up to me or something.....

 

I wrote a book here.....didn't I??

[whichwayisup]

Thanks WWIU. It's nice to be noticed, even though you made me blush a little....

 

LOL good!

 

Yes, you wrote a book, but so what. Talking and venting it out is good for the soul.

 

Whatever you do, don't start sleeping in separate bedrooms. That isn't going to help the problem......

 

 

In conclusion, she's comfortable with me, flirty with our Sunday School teacher, (always has been), and I'm more frustrated than before. Things make a little more sense, like why she wants to go to every function he, (and his wife), goes to, why she volunteers so much time at Church.....I hate to think this way, but I'm going to keep my eye out over this.

 

Yes, you should. She is getting something out of it, maybe abit more than she should???? Even if nothing is going on in his mind, it could be in hers.......

 

She claims that we're in the, "comfortable" stage of our love/marriage where each of us knows that we aren't going anywhere. We know now that we will remain together, "the excitement is over", (her words).

OUCH.

 

I told her that I wasn't ready for the "excitement" in the bedroom to be over, at which she responded promptly saying, "I don't think that's what the message meant"......that was all that was said about anything to do with the bedroom.

 

Then what was her message to mean?

[EnigmasMuse]

I wrote a book here.....didn't I??

 

But thats ok.

 

Maybe she feels guilty to be intimate with you, if her mind is elsewhere, like on this teacher fella? So, she just stays clear of the whole sexual intimacy issue with you.

 

I dunno Moose, I really don't.

[Mr. Lucky]

Whatever you do, don't start sleeping in separate bedrooms. That isn't going to help the problem......

Then do what, WWIU? Moose's wife is in her "comfort" zone with no "excitement" in his future. If she indeed feels that he's not going anywhere, what's her incentive to change? I'm not sure separate bedrooms are the best idea either, so what could Moose do to shake things up? I still think he needs to unsettle her world a bit, so how?

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Something eventually has to give if she continues this way, I agree. You are right, why should she change if things remain the same? He stays loyal to her, she gets her way ALL the time. It's unfair to him. The sad part is, she's not doing it on purpose to piss him off or upset him... I believe she knows why she's feeling this way but is absolutely terrified to open up the can of worms and really talk about it because it WILL mean changes have to happen. She's settled in nicely of how life is - Very routine and safe. I completely understand and see where Moose is coming from, and yes, he definately needs to DO something to WAKE HER UP in the bedroom department.

 

What about going to sex counselling? I know that's abit 'out there' seeing as (moose) your wife is self conscious and not open about sex -But it could help her open up more and not be so closed off when it comes to sex.

[Pink_Tulip]

Moose, as someone who has had an EA, please don't 'wait and see' on this. Please, take my word, learn from my screw ups. She needs to be confronted and made to deal with these feelings before it goes too far. I will write more tomorrow when I have time, just trust me on this.

[ponderingfar]

Just out of curiousity, Pondering, how long did you guys date before marriage? Did you have sex? Was it different then?

 

Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky,

we did, reason why he got me pregnant, it was not like that then. I read in one of the posts that some men are like that, as they have already "conquered".

[Mr. Lucky]

What about going to sex counselling? I know that's abit 'out there' seeing as (moose) your wife is self conscious and not open about sex -But it could help her open up more and not be so closed off when it comes to sex.

I'll have to admit that I've never heard of that type of sex counseling for couples (although the concept obviously makes sense). Is it like MC but with a specific focus? I wonder what techniques they use?

 

I think the challenge for Moose would be that, in order to agree to go, his wife would have to admit that a problem exists somewhere other than in Moose's head. That's probably obstacle #1.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pink_Tulip]

Ok Moose, sorry it took so long. Anyway, as far as her possibly having a crush on some other guy, I think that you need to talk about this with her ASAP. I know many people on here will tell you they are harmless, I would disagree. I think it is normal to go through life and meet others you would be happy and compatible with, that have traits you admire, etc. And I think part of being an adult in a committed relationship is also recognizing those feelings and backing away, not moving forward. From what you described, it sounds like your wife is doing everything she can to spend more time with him, and that worries me.

 

The problem with crushes and EA's is that they are totally idealized relationships. You only see the good about that other perosn, and you can idealize what they are like in areas you don't see. Now in contrast she has you, a normal guy. You have your imperfections, like, you nag her for sex. In her mind, her crush would never do that. Doesn't matter if he would, she doesn't see it, so she can make it up as she wants. The more she idealizes this other guy, the more she sees the things in you that get on her nerves. The more she focuses on the resentments or frustrations she has in your relationship. And all the while, she is comparing you and your relationship to the 'perfect guy.' And the sad part is, she thinks he is perfect b/c most of what she knows of him she has made up in her mind. You cannot compete with that.

 

She needs to be made aware of this. She needs to see that it isn't harmless, it is affecting you, and that affects your relationship. If she is open to crushes and EA's, something is missing in her life, in your relationship. This is what you need to work on, before you try to deal with the sex. And you can't work on it if you sit back and wait to see how deep she falls into this crush. And what if this SS teacher returns her feelings? The odds of you fixing your relationship after that are very low.

 

It seems to me, this SS teacher should have seen by now that your wife has a bit of a crush on him. The fact that he has not yet put up boundries bothers me. If any man had been carrying something for me while my H was right there, I would have asked nicely that he let my H hold it for me. Maybe he is oblivious, but I doubt it. As long as he allows your wife to do things for him and spend time with him, he is encouraging her crush. You need to nip this in the bud now.

 

I also want to point out that I don't know if your wife has a crush at all, but based on what you wrote, I am erring on the side of caution. Take what I say with a grain of salt.

[Pink_Tulip]

I'll have to admit that I've never heard of that type of sex counseling for couples (although the concept obviously makes sense). Is it like MC but with a specific focus? I wonder what techniques they use?

 

I think the challenge for Moose would be that, in order to agree to go, his wife would have to admit that a problem exists somewhere other than in Moose's head. That's probably obstacle #1.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It is actually quite common. In counseling with a sex therapist you focus on what is causing the problems in the bedroom. You talk about how you feel during foreplay, sex, etc. and get to the root of those feelings. Sometimes it is resentments in the relationship, sometimes issues with past abuse, sometimes problems with technique, etc. And you are correct, both parties must be very open and willing to hear the truth.

[tommyr]

Situation Update: Last Saturday I posted about the great talk with my wife and our agreement to work on a better sex life. Now if it were up to me, we would be getting on every night (well, maybe 5X per week) but we negotiated to try for 2X week. Less than our pre-kids years but I can live with that. Maybe I am being too strict here (counting days and all) but our last "event" was past Tuesday so that makes a full week gone by right?

 

Tuesdays she has a full day off: stayhome mom but I literally FORCED her to put the kids in allday/afterschool daycare Tuesdays.. hoping her to be less burned out... hoping she will be more into ME... its helped alot. Usually I try to sneak home for a lunchtime Tues. tryst. Now I have always told her this arrangement was a pure luxury, and that any of a million things would interfere with our Tuesday lunch (sick kid, car in the shop, work meeting, travel, etc). so today is snowday schools closed = lunch canceled.

 

I certainly don't blame her for today's snow closure. But I consider it a major problem that our entire sex life hinges on scheduling perfection to have Tues lunch date. I've told her we need to find a way to get together some other time(s) during the week (gee, maybe sex on a weekend evening could be nice? who ever heard of that!). Instead, every nite she is in full battle gear (sweatsuit+bathrobe+blanket wrap) and lately shes been sleeping on the sofa (says she wants to read late but not keep me awake).

 

So our cycle continues. I get grumpy, bitter, resentful. I spend longer days at work. I resort to porn. I stop bothering to chase her. I dont ask her "how was your day" because I stop caring. And tomorrow (Valentine's day) I am content to bring her a plain vanilla Hallmark card.

 

HOW DO WE BREAK THIS CYCLE!

[Scrivdog]

Your situation may be different that mine. But I doubt it.

 

My wife long ago let go of the concept of passion with me. Being a passionate person myself this has pretty much sucked for me. For a long time I let it ruin my life but in the last few years or so I've moved on. But the net result of it is that she's completely unappealing to me now.

 

I see other men with their wives in public places. In most cases I can see in their eyes that they're just barely able to tolerate their lives. They used to see it in mine as well. But now I also notice those men who have detached from their mates and are just going through the motions. They no longer give a **** about the person next to them. They've moved on and have no real attachment to the wife, even though they still care about their family / their social status / whatever that keeps them from leaving her at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere.

 

Look at these mens' eyes the next time you're at the mall. See if you see what I see.