Some Q's for the women on here about confidence.

[Ripples]

Ross, you've had some really good suggestions. Ok, so maybe they haven't been worded in a way that is easy to accept for you, but hey, that's the joy of the internet. Maybe, instead of reacting defensively (which, just makes you look immature, sorry) you could take a step back and really think about the messages? No one is trying to do you down. At least in my opinion. It can be pretty hard at times, when you've been in a similar position to someone to not get frustrated by them when you know the answer and they are refusing to accept it. I'm sure you know where I'm coming from on this.

 

So, I know you've said that martial arts is a step too far at the moment, but I really feel that could be a huge help to you. Not only for feeling that you can handle any situation, physically, but for the mental and emotional aspect too. So, what is it that makes you feel it's too much for you?

 

[Green]

Ross Stop arguing with every one who has come to try to help you. You put yourself in a situation to be talked to in this way when you asked for advise. No one has put you down directly and all we have is the information you give us. With that said I know what its like to be horribly depressed I've suffered many horrible tragedies in my life I'm suprised I'm still alive some times really. The point is your not the only person with problems and maybe we'd feel more sympathy for you if you actualy couldnt do the things you want but you can, Girls say your avatar is attractive, You say you once had friends and a social life so if you did it once you can do it again. Look just go out there and try something and post about it thats all. If you meet a girl on the net dont talk to her online to much just ask her to meet face to face for Tea or something right away. You need to humble yourself if you dont like my advise dont you dare insult me for trying to give it to you because its what I'd tell myself if I were in your situation. Let me tell you something about life it happens on a time scale so if things arent going so well now but they were when you were 26 years old draw power from those good times past ross had and take your wories of the future and say F them Future Ross can worry about that present ross just is going to enjoy life for a change. I would take Karate or something if I were you theres some real life lessons there. So cmon Ross the next time you post on here I want to here some post about how you tried something new like said Hi to some girl who passed you in the street, or how you met one of these online girls you talk about for cofee in real life, or even that you went for a long walk outside and said excuse me when people stood right in your way.

[SmoochieFace]

Ross Stop arguing with every one who has come to try to help you. You put yourself in a situation to be talked to in this way when you asked for advise. No one has put you down directly and all we have is the information you give us. With that said I know what its like to be horribly depressed I've suffered many horrible tragedies in my life I'm suprised I'm still alive some times really. The point is your not the only person with problems and maybe we'd feel more sympathy for you if you actualy couldnt do the things you want but you can,

 

Girls say your avatar is attractive, You say you once had friends and a social life so if you did it once you can do it again. Look just go out there and try something and post about it thats all. If you meet a girl on the net dont talk to her online to much just ask her to meet face to face for Tea or something right away. You need to humble yourself if you dont like my advise dont you dare insult me for trying to give it to you because its what I'd tell myself if I were in your situation. Let me tell you something about life it happens on a time scale so if things arent going so well now but they were when you were 26 years old draw power from those good times past ross had and take your wories of the future and say F them Future Ross can worry about that present ross just is going to enjoy life for a change.

 

I would take Karate or something if I were you theres some real life lessons there. So cmon Ross the next time you post on here I want to here some post about how you tried something new like said Hi to some girl who passed you in the street, or how you met one of these online girls you talk about for cofee in real life, or even that you went for a long walk outside and said excuse me when people stood right in your way.

 

 

Excellent post.

[lindya]

Ross - you'd probably be best served by focusing on sites that can provide specialised information on anxiety and depression.

 

It's human nature to be resistant to change - even positive change. Therefore it's human nature to find excuses not to follow advice that would encourage such change. You need sessions with a counsellor who has the skill to guide you past that in a way that's manageable for you, rather than getting into arguments with posters who believe a bit of straight talking is the panacea for all psychological problems.

 

Despite all the good intentions, Loveshack can sometimes do a person in severe emotional difficulties far more harm than good. Some posters really want to help, but egos tend to get in the way - and they end up just ranting in frustration (and bonding with others who feel likewise) when their advice is rejected or ignored. This only reinforces your negative self image.

 

Fix up an appointment with your GP and tell him/her that you feel you require counselling as a matter of urgency. These threads will do nothing other than perpetuate your problems.

[burning 4 revenge]

Yeah, if you wanna live in the crime and roach infested projects or if you wanna live in the middle of the desert. A houseboat on the Great Salt Lake might be a possibility too.

 

I don't know where you live Smoochie, but it's a well known fact that as a whole the United States is cheaper than the UK.

 

It's a case by case basis, of course. If you live somewhere in rural Britain it will probably be cheaper than New York, or San Francisco, but on the whole life is cheaper here.

 

Case in point-London is the most expensive city in the world.

[quietintrovertgirl]

Ross,

Ok!! Everybody given you all the advice you need so It's time for you again to either sit down or up.Nobody isn't saying anything new here.

[Ripples]

Ross, take Lindya's advice. She's incredibly wise.

[lindya]

Ross, take Lindya's advice. She's incredibly wise.

 

You must be joking! I just talk the talk .

[Ripples]

Well, you do it bloody well. I want to marry you.

[Ross_K]

Not true at all. I've been supportive throughout this now 13th page thread, and many of your other threads. But after offering advice, and reading other people offer advice only to have you rebut _every single one_ of them that asks you to be proactive, people tend to lose patience. And even after ALL of that, I was not nasty or harsh. I simply challenged you.

 

I'm sorry that I can't take everyone's advice, I don't mean to be offensive, but if you want me to start lying and saying to people 'yes, that will work, I'm going to get up right now and do it' then I will do.

 

Okay, maybe you don't mean to be nasty but you're certainly being harsh.

 

There is a difference between standing up for yourself, challenging another's opinion and agreeing to disagree, and resorting to name calling. I never once assasinated your character, but you seem to believe that if I do not agree with your opinion or do not follow your rules of conduct that I have a lack of intelligence.

 

No, it's not that at all. You weren't being nice towards me and annyoed me, so obviously I'm not going to be friendly back, which includes dissing. If you don't like it, then try being nicer to people. And I don't mind if someone doesn't agree with my opinion. Nice try at trying to twist things around though, the thing is I can see right through it when anyone does this, so don't bother.

 

Not true at all. We all have challenges in life, no matter how strong we are. Nothing comes easy for any one of us. Once again, you seem to think you are so totally different than the rest of us, that somehow you are so unique that you dont possess what we have. Again, it's egotism that lets you believe this, whether positive or negative.

 

So then what is having strength?

 

I'm different from most people yes, it's nothing to do with egotisim, you think being an involuntary celibate for the whole of my life and having social anxiety is normal?

 

I AM giving you advice. I simply refuse to hold your hand while you sink further and further down the rabits hole. Once again, why are you bringing up my intelligence? Why are you trying to make a jab at me? It's childish and I would appreciate it if you would stop.

 

No I wont stop, why don't you stop being an ass with me? And it's not childish.

 

That's great! I would even suggest that you write up a separate list of activities people have suggest you to do and prioritize them from easy to hard and start tackling the small ones.

 

 

Okay, I'll turn my PC off right now and get up off my ass and do it.

 

Ok, then what do you think should be the next step?

 

Carry on waiting until I see a psychologist.

 

Please, dont just take my word for it. Actually re-read what I said and reflect on it. I had a very valid point about your avoidance about commitment. And i think it's important that you actually contemplate it for more than a mere 10 seconds.

 

I don't even know where it is now.

[littlekitty]

Well, you do it bloody well. I want to marry you.

 

Hey!! Lindyloo is mine!! I fell for her wise words and wicked wit many moons ago!!

[SmoochieFace]

No, it's not that at all. You weren't being nice towards me and annyoed me, so obviously I'm not going to be friendly back, which includes dissing. If you don't like it, then try being nicer to people. And I don't mind if someone doesn't agree with my opinion. Nice try at trying to twist things around though, the thing is I can see right through it when anyone does this, so don't bother.

 

You still aren't 'getting it', Ross.

 

Perhaps YOU should try being nicer to people instead of being so defensive. I'm not saying this to 'offend' you or anything but I am simply observing how you act and react here. I should know - I used to be like you. I decided to make changes and I am much better for it. A change of attitude would do you wonders as well.

[Ripples]

Hey!! Lindyloo is mine!! I fell for her wise words and wicked wit many moons ago!!

 

Fancy a threesome?

[littlekitty]

Ross, I think Lindya is right. I don't think LS is helping you at this point with this issue.

 

Unfortunately people get frustrated - wrongly or rightly so - when someone asks for advise but doesn't seem willing to at least contemplate or consider the points being made to them.

 

The thread seems to have disintegrated into an argument, I don't think this is the best thing for you.

 

Are you really going to do nothing else to help your situation while you wait for a psychologist?

 

Could you not even research some support groups and systems in your local area?

[littlekitty]

Fancy a threesome?

 

Now there's a thought to cheer up a girls Friday afternoon!!

 

Let's go ladies...!!

[stoopid_guy]

Ross, you present your problems here and everyone assumes it's with a desire to solve them, so they suggest solutions. Some folks have put a lot of time and thought into those suggestions, and you've gotten some great ones.

 

Have you tried to impliment any of those suggestions?

 

Unless you do try at least a few of the ideas, folks are going to believe you're wasting their time.

[stoopid_guy]

Let's go ladies...!!

Can I run the video camera? Need help cleaning the toys?

[typical]

Look,

 

Not to be rude, but it just seems like you are a ho hum type of guy without any real depth of character. Get involved in something that really really tests your inner strength and character and gives you some dimension. Something that really refines and defines your character. Get some life experience, (and I dont mean girls) I mean true life experience and focus on things other than garbling on about girls that arent interested in you.

 

Here are some ideas that might build and define who you are:

 

*Join the army/navy/marines etc......

*get a job with the peace corp

*You can get a job working overseas for a year at a time that covers visas, rent, and pretty much anything else

* Get a job, period

 

You seem intelligent enough, but you lack depth. Physically, you are attractive enough, but you lack definition.

 

Get yourself out of the country and start living...really really living. Get going.

[SmoochieFace]

I don't know where you live Smoochie, but it's a well known fact that as a whole the United States is cheaper than the UK.

 

It's a case by case basis, of course. If you live somewhere in rural Britain it will probably be cheaper than New York, or San Francisco, but on the whole life is cheaper here.

 

Case in point-London is the most expensive city in the world.

 

The thing is those places that are 'cheap' in this country do not have very many jobs and the jobs that are available most of them are minimum wage burger-flipping jobs. Living on that even in a 'cheap' area would be difficult.

 

The point is moot anyway. Ross doesn't even have a job and I'll bet that his SA is preventing him from getting one. Therefore, once again, his core issues need to be addressed before he can even dream of coming to America.

[dgiirl]

First of all, I agree 100% with Lindya. I'm definitely not a therapist, and although I'm trying my best to offer you advice, you might be better off seeing a therapist. I dont mean that in any disrespectful manner. I've been to a therapist myself and know they can help a lot.

 

I'm just going to ignore most of your post and respond to two points.

 

I'm different from most people yes, it's nothing to do with egotisim, you think being an involuntary celibate for the whole of my life and having social anxiety is normal?

 

I'm not trying to slander you again by using the word egotisim. To me, egotisim is when you focus TOO much on yourself and not enough on people around you. Clearly, you focus too much on how you are different than everyone else and not enough focus on how you are similar to everyone else. I believe this is the root cause of your social anxiety. You worry TOO much about how people perceive you, what you should say, how you should act. If you are like me, I'm also betting you rehearse over and over and over different situations in your head when you are alone. What if this or that should happen. How will you look and how should you respond. And this is probably why you also fear confrontation.

 

Walk wrote up an excellent post, and instead of drawing on her experience and asking yourself what is similar between the two of you, and if she can do it, surely you can do it, you automatically responded that you are not like her. How do you know you are not like her? She's telling you she has social anxiety. That's one similarity between the two of you. I bet you she can even tell you the fears she has and it might be similar to you. And if that's similar, then maybe what she tells herself to confront those fears, can also give you comfort.

 

 

Carry on waiting until I see a psychologist.

 

Waiting is not doing. Why is it taking so long for you to see a psychologist? I think it's important to take Lindya's advice and tell GP that's it's important that you see one right away. And if you are waiting due to government assistance to help pay for the service, then i think it's important to get some kind of temp job, any type of job, sweeping floors in solitude, anything, just to help speed the process along.

 

You only have one chance at life, and it's too precious to waste by waiting for things to happen.

[Ross_K]

Rabbit man, I haven't got around to talking with you because your posts show up pout of nowhere late.

 

Oh, that's nice. Attack someone's level of intelligence. That will most definitely help you 'win' lots of friends.

 

Why would it make it hard for me to win lots of friends if they deserved it?

 

Of course, but that doesn't give you any sort of licence to treat people who are trying to help you like ****.

 

Your right it doesn't, but if someone isn't nice to me then that gives me the right to not be nice to them back.

 

Self-defeating attitude again...

 

I don't really know what a self defeating attitude is, but all I was saying was the truth.

 

Oh, just stop it already! There are plenty of people who have 'issues', Ross. Guess what? I have 'issues' too. Everyone has them! What sets them apart from you apparently is that they aren't looking for 'handouts'. They have self-respect. They have dignity. They pick themselves up when they stumble and they try again. THAT is how you build up confidence in yourself - not constantly whining about how 'pathetic' you are. They WORK on themselves.

 

See? I take it this is where you're being nice with me? Just one of many examples, yet you're always saying 'oh myself and dgiirl are such nice people trying to help you but you are being bad towards us'

 

I really don't belive why you both say stuff like that, do you honesty think you'll make me or anyone else believe it if you say it enough times?

 

Like I said, I don't have the strength, and if talking about my problems means I'm whining about how pathetic I am then so be it, in your eyes everyone on here must be pathetic, because let's face it, this site is for people talking baout heir problems, asking for advice, telling people things about themselves good or bad when people ask, and getting things off thier chest.

 

To be honest rabbit guy, so far you seem seriously out of touch.

 

Good God... WALK even told you that you are attractive based on your pic! You should be smiling since now you know that your 'belief' that all women find you 'ugly' is obviously wrong. Right?

 

I never said that all women find me ugly. You really must not put words into my mouth, it makes you look foolish and like you don't even know what you're talking about. I think you need to know the difference from what is real and your imagination.

 

Ross? THIS is the sort of attitude that turns people off. People, in general, do not like to be 'put down' like that. Once again, that behaviour is not attractive.

 

What, like how you and dgiirl have been behaving?

There's nothingwrong with my behaviour, I'm defending myself.

Seems like you have extreme trouble with being able to tell the difference.

 

Tough love can actually be a good thing IF you have the right attitude about it. You take everything so personally therefore you will lash out at those who are simply trying to help you. You cannot be helped if people only tell you what you want to hear. Sometimes a bit of 'tough love' can be a powerful motivator.

 

 

Coming out with stuff like 'what a cop out' or 'stop whining' is trying to help me is it?

 

So how do I get the right attitude about it?

 

Why can't I be helped if people only tell me what I want to hear? All I want to hear is non of the tough love bull****.

 

Maybe tough love can help some people but there's plenty of people who don't get any help from it, it just makes them feel worse, think about it.

I believe if someone is upset because their mum has died for example, you show them compassion or just not say anything at all, not 'Get over it!'

 

Actually, you should be taking that advice for yourself, Ross.

 

No, it's you who should be taking this advice. There's nothing wrong with my attitude.

 

No, you should acknowledge that you have 'issues' and that you sincerely want to work on them.

 

I do, but somehow you equal that to whining and feeling sorry for myself.

 

Well, people are going to be less inclined to help you if you throw **** in their faces when they give you advice. You've been doing that and it's quite distasteful.

 

Defending myself against people being harsh towards me you mean, well, if it means that those particular people are going to be less inclined to give me advice aka 'stop whining', sarcasim, and whatever else, then I think that's a good thing.

 

Deja vu... more of the same.

 

I don't need to read through anything properly again.

[Ross_K]

What a cop-out.

 

There's rabbit guy being such a nice person trying to help me again. How bad I'd be to sound 'off' with him right now.

[typical]

Look,

 

If nothing else, just take my advice. The world is overrun with mindless silly morons who babble on about nothing in particular. Is there nothing you can do to differentiate yourself from those type of people?

 

Since you are 30, you really should try to cultivate yourself, and develop some sort of depth to who you are.

[Ross_K]

Yes you CAN help who you are.

YOU are the only one who can 'help' who you are.

You are the only one who can commit to doing DIFFERENT things in your life.

And then sticking to your commitment and MAKE different choices to MAKE your life different.

It is a fact that when you behave differently, people will behave differently toward you.

 

You don't understand what I was syaing, I was saying I couldn't help how I am as in I never chose to have SA, I never chose to get bullied.

 

I am working on myself anyway.

 

Yet everytime someone suggests something you could do to change your situation - you come up with an excuse NOT to. The excuses you provide seem to be excuses to NOT EVEN TRY.

For instance, when someone says, "get out - overcome your social anxiety disorder a bit at a time"

You reply: I am different. I can't do it. You don't understand me.

YEP you sure are different. And everything you are writing states you want to be more like everyone else. Yet when these people tell you how to do things to be like them, you refuse for what ever reason you find that applies.

So you are stuck. You are stuck constantly lamenting about your situation. It will not change AT ALL unless you decide to change it.

If you want to continue on the path you are on -- then go to support groups where all of you guys talk about how hard it is, etc. but steps aren't proactively made to make changes.

These changes are about forcing yourself to do it. It is about knowing you have to do and making yourself do something because you do not want to be stuck where you are anymore. ----- The way you respond to this challenging viewpoint (and I fully expect that I am next to hear it from you) is like a member of some exclusive club. 'We all couldn't possibly understand' (every person on the planet has dealt with fear of situations, rejection, or whatever). 'It is not that easy' (nothing worthwhile ever is!).

Your answers to anyone who tells you to, just stop complaining about it, get off your behind and DO SOMETHING are patronizing and pretentious.

While dismissing any advice along these lines you also venture to say they should change their attitudes. They shouldn't be ingenuous with you because tough love doesn't work, etc.

It is truly amusing considering that these very people have the things in life you say you seek. Some of them have even overcome the very psychological complications you describe having. But you are telling them how to be.

I am not afraid to go outside - because I do it on a routine basis. I am not afraid to talk to strangers. I do it all the time. I have been in some pretty bad areas of the country, but I did whatever I had to do - and I made it through it. I know these sometimes uncomfortable or frightening situations happen, so I keep my head together and get out of it.

The point is we all face things everyday - the more you face your fears the more their intensity disipates. While you repudiate, you pay the price not us. We're out there living it while you waste your life wanting it.

By the way -

 

I'll probably get back to reading all this later. I read the first few lines though and I'd like to say that they're not excuses, they're reasons, and I am trying.

 

These are diametric statements.

 

What does diametric mean?

 

People who can't help how they are would be, for instance, handicapped. They can't help being in a wheelchair, or on crutches, etc.

They can't help it -- there is nothing they can do that will effect their condition.

You CAN help how you are. You can change attitude, willingness, openness, acrimoniousness, etc. But you have to actually do it. You can't just ask people how to do it just to repudiate all ideas. that does nothing.

 

 

Like I said, I explain what I meant in the first post, and I am trying to change things.

 

If you just want prople to say, "Awww, poor guy. That is so sad." endlessly, you have a support group for that. And if that is all you want, then your problem is solved! You don't need any advice from all of the well-meaning people out here living your dream.

 

I don't mind whether people say that or not, and it's not all I want.

 

Most of the posters here are actually really helping me, the thought of sorting things out seems like it owuld be easier now, there's a lot of things that have been said which have been inspiring. I've saved the pages to my PC like I have done with a few other topics on other forums, and since I don't have a printer I'll write some of the things down that people have said in a notebook.

 

Now, if I don't get up right now, go out of my house and start doing summersaults down the street, enrole in a college, try saying hi to every complete stranger I see on the street, then I'm sorry. I don't mean to offend anyone.

[littlekitty]

Ross, you don't appear to want suggestions as to how to deal with your issue. You don't appear to want to listen to advice from those who have been in your shoes. So what do you want? What advice would you like us to give you?

 

What can we do to help you? Just sympathise and make no suggestions?