cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[InaPanic]

Thank you Sup. But do you agree with FiC that i should let my husband go? This is something i have fought in my own head for months now. If i let him go maybe he can begin healing. I don't want to think of him 10 years from now still dwelling on this or it haunting him every day of his life. I agree that is no way for him to live. But our therapist pointed out to me when i said this to her that it wasn't my decision, that it was his decision if he wanted to stay with me. Like he said, he knows people will think he's a fool if he stays with me but this is our lives, not theirs, & until they are in this situation they do not truly know what they will do. It's easy to say 'oh i'd leave my wife in an instant if she cheated on me'....but there is so much more to think about than simply pride. Children, years together, still loving your spouse, finances & things you've worked for. Yes these are things i should have thought about before having the affair AND these are things that should be thought about before ending a marriage. I admire & respect my husband for trying & for standing by our family to attempt to work this out. To me, this is not weakness or lack of strength or pride. This is more strength than i hope most of the men out there ever have to deal with.

 

Oh, and one more thing FiC....you have no idea how easy it would have been for me to have made the same statement you did about never ever having an affair. I never EVER thought i would do what i did. 18 years & I never did or even considered it. So i for one will never say never again because i have had to eat my words.

[Sup]

Thank you Sup. But do you agree with FiC that i should let my husband go? This is something i have fought in my own head for months now. If i let him go maybe he can begin healing. I don't want to think of him 10 years from now still dwelling on this or it haunting him every day of his life. I agree that is no way for him to live. But our therapist pointed out to me when i said this to her that it wasn't my decision, that it was his decision if he wanted to stay with me. Like he said, he knows people will think he's a fool if he stays with me but this is our lives, not theirs, & until they are in this situation they do not truly know what they will do. It's easy to say 'oh i'd leave my wife in an instant if she cheated on me'....but there is so much more to think about than simply pride. Children, years together, still loving your spouse, finances & things you've worked for. Yes these are things i should have thought about before having the affair AND these are things that should be thought about before ending a marriage. I admire & respect my husband for trying & for standing by our family to attempt to work this out. To me, this is not weakness or lack of strength or pride. This is more strength than i hope most of the men out there ever have to deal with.

 

Oh, and one more thing FiC....you have no idea how easy it would have been for me to have made the same statement you did about never ever having an affair. I never EVER thought i would do what i did. 18 years & I never did or even considered it. So i for one will never say never again because i have had to eat my words.

 

If you remember IaP, he was replying to a statement that you had made, please read his post above mine. I agree that if you continue to LIE to your husband, in which FiC was refering to in his post, that is what I had gathered, then yes, you should let you husband go, should you continue doing this, rather than inflicting more pain later on in the future..... Your husband may think there's more you're NOT telling him. Like other posters have already stated in here, before you told your husband of your affair, if HE finds out later, it WILL be MUCH worse. It's like he's still living a lie, if you're NOT being truthful in marriage counseling, by NOT being truthful, the counseling means/or does NOTHING! In reguards of you not wanting this to haunt him for the rest of his life, it's too late, it WILL! People Don't like to live a lie, because when/or if they do "wake up" to the reality of things, they feel like that they have wasted their life, time, energy, resources, even themselves for NOTHING! But that is what we have tried to tell you from the start.

[Flyin in Clouds]

....

However, FiC, what's YOUR story, were you betrayed in another relationship, by a parent? Was someone close to you betrayed? Please post your own Thread on your subject. Somehow, these kinds of post/Threads seem to strike a nerve with you, that IS apparent.

 

Hey Sup, my POV is my POV OK? If you disagree with it fine. I'm not looking for anyone to agree with me. But I make my comments as things strike me. i.e. I try to give my honest reaction to things.

 

As to my story... well, I've had exactly 3 women in my 56 years. High School gf lasted 4 years. She left and I have no idea why because she wouldn't tell me. Was it me? Was it some other guy? I have no idea, just that she decided "we'd make each other unhappy" and that was it. Yet I was entirely faithful to her even though we attended different colleges. Second gf, yes she cheated on me but I was stupid because when we hooked up she was engaged to her bf who was away at marine boot camp. So she cheated on him, I should have known she'd cheat on me. But heck she was hot so... it was worth it while it lasted. And yes, I'm not proud she was engaged, but I figured I did him a favor since she was a tramp. Wife - posted elsewhere and as far as I know she has never cheated on me. But she could have been like some of the women that did and decided not to tell to protect their H. She certainly had opportunity, as did I.

 

And yes our closest friends went through a terrible marriage, she was abusive, he eventually cheated, she "tried" to patch things up for 4 or 5 years, all the time laying her plans on how to get the most out of the divorce. Very calculating lady. She ended up witn 90% despite community property laws. She got such an outrageous child support payment that he couldn't afford it, so after making sure he had no contact what so ever with his kids, she had him convicted of a felony for not paying child support. Nice huh.

 

So I take a very dim view of cheating. It isn't really forgivable because it's a deliberate choice someone makes.

 

One thing that got me though is how InaPanic described her intoxication by OM. I never realized we men had such power over women. That we were such an addictive drug... good to know cause I can use that.

 

But our therapist pointed out to me when i said this to her that it wasn't my decision, that it was his decision if he wanted to stay with me.

Well InaPanic the problem is you are influencing his decision aren't you? Do you want him hanging on, struggeling with this, if he ends up unhappy? And how unhappy would be too unhappy? And so it is also a decision you have to make. Many men will bear a lot of pain, bury it as deep inside as they can, and that changes them. For some men they'll get over this kind of thing fairly well. But if your husband is dying on the inside but staying for all those reasons you listed, is that good for him? Or you? Or the kids? It is a very tough call.

much more to think about than simply pride.

You're right about that. For some pride doesn't matter much. For others it counts for a whole lot. Can he keep up appearances? Can you keep this secret hidden from friends and family? From the children? Will you ever tell them? What if they follow in the family tradition?

 

And if some years down the road your H finds a young honey to have a fling with I hope you give him the same kind of understanding he's giving you.

 

I admire & respect my husband for trying & for standing by our family to attempt to work this out.

Yeah he's a stand up guy. A real decent man. You also at some level, at some time, must have thought he was rather the fool. Will people really look at him as being strong for staying with you? Or is he staying because he has no other practical options? Could he really get another young attractive woman into bed? Can he leave? The kids, the house, the finances, the history, a woman he once loved? Or is he trapped? Leaving would mean a life alone in poverty? He's kind of powerless isn't he? And he's damaged - his heart is broken. He's not at all like OM. He's dull, boring, but stable. Yeah... you can respect him, - now - , but you know what. That's not enough. There are a lot of people I admire and respect. My wife is one of those people. But admiration and respect aren't enough.

 

you have no idea how easy it would have been for me to have made the same statement you did about never ever having an affair.

Well I've been married almost twice as long. So twice as much time for problems, ups and downs... and it has never been easy for me to remain faithful with all the candy around. Many times I was tempted. When your the boss of a small company, well women tend to be attracted to power. And it would have been easy to give in. It was extrodinarily hard not to. But I didn't. Because I promised her I won't.

 

You say you love your husband. Just exactly what does that mean? Can you define your love? Precisely? You knew how devastating this would be. You wrestled with telling for weeks. So what does your love mean? I mean how far does your love go? Would you sacrifice your life to save his? From your POV just what does love mean?

 

In reguards of you not wanting this to haunt him for the rest of his life, it's too late, it WILL!

 

Well see Sup we do agree on a few things. How much it haunts him depends on him. He could get over it fairly well. He could appear to have buried it, but one day years from now he decides his life wasn't worth living and bang... If you lie to him ever again about anything, the smallest thing, well that wouldn't be good.

 

You broke his trust. He may give you a second chance. But I think that's all he'd give you. If you still have thoughts of the other man you have to tell him why.

 

Am I right that you think of OM because he is what your H isn't?

 

And one last thing. What I'm about in relationships is equality - I don't mean everything exactly then same - but I do mean playing by the same rules. What my wife can do, I can do also. If she can dance with men, I can dance with other women. If she can kiss other men, I can kiss other women. If she can sleep with other men, ... you get the idea.

[Sup]

Hey Sup, my POV is my POV OK? If you disagree with it fine. I'm not looking for anyone to agree with me. But I make my comments as things strike me. i.e. I try to give my honest reaction to things.

 

With THAT kind of attitude, it's NOT surprising that people don't like most of your responses.

[Sup]

Well see Sup we do agree on a few things.

 

So... What's it to you? I don't need YOU to agree with me either.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...I know it has not been easy, but I really admire your willingness to repair the damage done.

...Just be what you promised your husband you would be in your marriage vows. He loves you, you love him. Good luck in making it work.

 

Huh? IAP's willingness to repair the damage she is responsible for doing? Her willingness? What can she do to repair this? I'd really like to know? Lick her H's boots for the rest of her life?

 

I think the willingness to try to fix their marriage rests with her H mostly.

 

And it's too late to "just be what she promised with her vows".

 

As to love. He used to, I don't know if he will anymore. And IAP? Love? Why is it people say they love someone and then proceed to do things that will destroy their loved one? Some kind of love that.

 

So IAP, I'd say this to this whole thing. First you know the damage you've done to your H. You know you've killed parts of him and you've changed him. He may recover some and act normal for the rest of your lives together.

 

But you also may spend 5 years, 10 years and then one day it all falls apart. No matter what you do, not matter how hard you try, no matter how remorseful, no matter how many "I'm sorrys", no matter how great you make it in bed for him, the hurt he's tried to bury may over come all that and he may leave.

 

He may decide that one day before he dies he wants to experience what you did - a new love. That is something you can not give him. And if he doesn't have the opportunity for that experience he may grow more and more bitter. keeping it inside unitl it overwhelms him.

 

I still think the best things is to let him go. Let him find out if there is someone else he'd rather be with or if he really does want to be with you more than any other woman.

 

But this brings up something I wonder about, so lets review what's happened.

 

IAP has an affair and the OM provides her with a thrill and excitment that her H never could. You just can't get that new relationship feeling with someone you've been with for 18 years. Likewise I'm sure a 20 something could provide her H with similar feelings. Her H does provide her with a warm, stable, deeper kind of love, but it isn't the same as with OM. So what if a woman needs both to be fully happy? The mature, mellow, comfortable, secure, stable relationship, and the wild, exciting fling? (Same applies to the guys too.)

 

Shouldn't her H feel happy that she found happiness even if it wasn't with him? If he really loved his wife shouldn't he want her to "have it all" so to speak? Instead he's crushed and hurt because she got a thrill with someone else - a thrill he could not possibly give her. Is that love? And if he should have a fling with some woman that give him something his wife couldn't possibly give him is that so terrible? Isn't it selfishness to deny your mate happiness?

[whichwayisup]

I still think the best things is to let him go. Let him find out if there is someone else he'd rather be with or if he really does want to be with you more than any other woman.

 

They owe it to their kids to give the marriage one last shot before throwing in the towel. If there were NO children involved, then I would be onside with what you're saying...

[Flyin in Clouds]

 

Originally Posted by Flyin in Clouds

Hey Sup, my POV is my POV OK? If you disagree with it fine. I'm not looking for anyone to agree with me. But I make my comments as things strike me. i.e. I try to give my honest reaction to things.

 

With THAT kind of attitude, it's NOT surprising that people don't like most of your responses.

 

I suppose that most on this sight don't like honest opinions, after all honesty isn't what cheaters are about, is it? And I'm not running in a popularity contest. Are you?

 

My comments are for IAP. And you are free to tell her that what I say is nutty, wrong, and why, or on the rare occasion where you agree i.e. you are free to counter my POV with yours. But stop trying to silence people you disagree with.

 

So Sup what's your story? Care to enlighten us all?

 

IAP, you said you wanted "support". What would that be? A pity party? Sympathy for the terrible spot you've put yourself into? As I said, I feel real bad for your H, but for you? Hey, you created this mess. I understand you are suffering too. But your suffering is deserved. Your husband's is not.

[Flyin in Clouds]

They owe it to their kids to give the marriage one last shot before throwing in the towel. If there were NO children involved, then I would be onside with what you're saying...

 

So for the sake of the kids, the H should live in an unhappy marriage? He must put aside his hurt and anger - never let is show (i.e. tell his kids a lie about himself - while he's really torn up inside because their mother was cheating on the outside he's all jolly and happy)? And living around a man that is depressed, breaks down crying, doesn't smile much anymore, isn't able to express much affection for his wife because all he can imagine when he touches her is the OM touching her... living with a guy like that is healthy for the kids? And what about mom crying all the time, for some OM no less. geez... more lies to the kids. Is that all the world is these days - lies and more lies?

 

Staying together for the sake of the kids is a real bad idea, because kids aren't stupid and hiding stuff like this from them won't work, IMO. He'd have to be a damn good actor and so would she.

 

And people aren't going to like this but ...

 

Kids are NOT the most important thing in a family relationship. The realtinship between husband and wife is what is most important and sacrificing the other spouse and their needs on the alter of "we do it for the kids" is wrong.

 

All too often when the kids come along a woman forgets her husband almost entirely. The kids come first, second and third and the father - dead last. And so the man having been abandoned goes off and has an affair. And so putting kids first isn't good for them or anyone else.

 

And many times the father decides he has to work himself to death to provide for his kids, so he leaves his wife feeling lonely and abandoned and she goes off to find some new love.

 

Kids have needs, sure. But putting them at the top of list is not doing them an favors if that leads to the parent's relationship breaking down.

 

So if IAP and her H stay together it should not be "for the kids". It should be for each other, first and foremost. Their kids don't need just a male and female that happen to cohabit in the same house with them. They need two parents that actualy love and really respect each other and that don't hurt each other.

[whichwayisup]

So for the sake of the kids, the H should live in an unhappy marriage? He must put aside his hurt and anger - never let is show (i.e. tell his kids a lie about himself - while he's really torn up inside because their mother was cheating on the outside he's all jolly and happy)? And living around a man that is depressed, breaks down crying, doesn't smile much anymore, isn't able to express much affection for his wife because all he can imagine when he touches her is the OM touching her... living with a guy like that is healthy for the kids? And what about mom crying all the time, for some OM no less. geez... more lies to the kids. Is that all the world is these days - lies and more lies?

 

Re-read my post again. I said that they OWE it to their kids to try and make it work. OBVIOUSLY if he's miserable and wants out, that's a different story and then they together can end the marriage.

 

Right now he's still reeling with this, but NO decision has been made. Some days it seems he wants to be with her and other days he isn't too sure. They haven't even tried to fix things, or go to marriage counselling so as of now neither of them know if things will be OK. Who knows, maybe he wants out, and if he does, he deserves that choice to end the marriage! Though I think if Panic wants her marriage, she has to stand up, say so and fight her tail off to prove she is worthy of his love and trust again...Sadly, I'm not too sure what she really wants right now.

[Dayzie]

Didn't keep up with this one...so many responses to read. My thoughts are this, the truth usually comes out in the end anyways. From personal experience I would rather know the right away then find out months or years later about it and know that my H had been lying to me, b/c it won't be just one lie it will be hundreds upon hundreds, you are lying to cover up another lie. As much as the truth hurts, it will hurt worse if you lie about it and then tell your spouse, or if your spouse finds out on their own.

[Sup]

Didn't keep up with this one...so many responses to read. My thoughts are this, the truth usually comes out in the end anyways. From personal experience I would rather know the right away then find out months or years later about it and know that my H had been lying to me, b/c it won't be just one lie it will be hundreds upon hundreds, you are lying to cover up another lie. As much as the truth hurts, it will hurt worse if you lie about it and then tell your spouse, or if your spouse finds out on their own.

 

YES! That's what we've been saying all along.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Re-read my post again. I said that they OWE it to their kids to try and make it work. OBVIOUSLY if he's miserable and wants out, that's a different story and then they together can end the marriage.

 

You're right, projecting to much of myself into that... I assumed it wasn't really possible to be happy after an affair like this one.

 

I guess some guys can accept they just weren't man enough to keep their woman happy and live with that.

 

I guess it would be interesting to know how a guy actually overcomes this kind of thing and still retains any pride in himself. How he deals with the ego crushing thoughts about the OM being sexually superior to him.

[whichwayisup]

You're right, projecting to much of myself into that... I assumed it wasn't really possible to be happy after an affair like this one.

 

If both want the marriage to get better and they head to counselling, work really hard together, it can be done. The operative word here is ofcourse 'both'. IF one decides it won't work, chances are, it will fail.

 

I guess some guys can accept they just weren't man enough to keep their woman happy and live with that.

 

And I guess some women can accept they weren't "woman" enough to keep their man happy and live with that...

 

I guess it would be interesting to know how a guy actually overcomes this kind of thing and still retains any pride in himself. How he deals with the ego crushing thoughts about the OM being sexually superior to him.

 

With love, forgiveness and faith. MANY men here on LS have taken back their cheating spouse. It shows the character and strength, not weakness...

 

One has to WANT to get past it all, to make it work. It's really up to the BS how well things go, not the WS...Sadly, but true. I think that those who are forgiven should be really bloody thankful for that second chance - Though if they blow it - They're out!

[Flyin in Clouds]

... It shows the character and strength, not weakness...

 

No it shows fear of being alone, fear of losing all their stuff, fear of losing contact with kids, fear of having to start over, fear of ....

 

It's just easier not to divorce. Or maybe they are just masochists to begin with.

 

It's really up to the BS how well things go, not the WS...

 

I agree with that.

 

 

Sadly, but true. I think that those who are forgiven should be really bloody thankful for that second chance - Though if they blow it - They're out!

 

Hey, forgive 'em once, forgive 'em twice, three times, 7 times 70 times... Come on man forgive... they just made a mistake. They're human. They're weak.

[InaPanic]

They haven't even tried to fix things, or go to marriage counselling so as of now neither of them know if things will be OK. Who knows, maybe he wants out, and if he does, he deserves that choice to end the marriage! Though I think if Panic wants her marriage, she has to stand up, say so and fight her tail off to prove she is worthy of his love and trust again...Sadly, I'm not too sure what she really wants right now.

 

 

We actually did go to a counselor a couple weeks ago. Both of us together. I go Monday for another visit by myself this time. I go for 2 or 3 times alone & then we come in together again.

 

I agree that I am not too sure of what i want right now either whichway. I'm not proud to admit that but i'm trying to be honest. Maybe thru therapy I'll be able to figure out why I did this & then be able to see a little straighter. I think it is as important to me as it is for him to know why i did this.

[everlong]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]You know what? I have only been on this site maybe a couple of weeks, I am not even sure I remember how I found this site and I have really just be bouncing all over various threads, various issues but then I started reading just a little bit of these stories of dazed and all and suddenly, 5 minutes ago this huge wave washed over me and I felt exhausted because I flashed back to my last relationship and two things that happened and its like, even though I don’t know the truth I feel it – about a year ago, I remember making love with the love of my life and I remember she started crying and at the time I just thought it was because we had been going thru a rough patch. But now I remember that more clear.

 

It was when I felt her pulling away and I starting punishing myself. I didn’t realize what that was until now. And one nite, after I had almost destroyed my body, I remember placing my hand on her back and I felt nothing like she had taken away our connection, shut it down, and I remember getting up from our bed, crying and looking out the window. OMG.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Guest]

i have a confession too but i am kinda, well, maybe in private. it kinda silly but makes me feel goofy at the same time. sometimes we do the strangest things under stress.

[LadyGuest]

I am a Brit and when I saw this forum felt compelled to write. I had an OM for over 20 years- I am in my 50s now. I met him through my work which involved travel to Europe so it was more a question of circumstances than anythng else. He died last year and I miss him. I have told no-one, ever, and have no intention of doing so. There is no point in putting hubby through the mangle just because I hurt inside.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I am a Brit and when I saw this forum felt compelled to write. I had an OM for over 20 years- I am in my 50s now. I met him through my work which involved travel to Europe so it was more a question of circumstances than anythng else. He died last year and I miss him. I have told no-one, ever, and have no intention of doing so. There is no point in putting hubby through the mangle just because I hurt inside.

 

To think there are people in the world like this...

[JamesM]

To think there are people in the world like this...

 

And to think it could one of our wives...who knows what brought her to this position. And I actually agree with her...there probably is no purpose to tell her husband.

[LadyGuest]

And to think it could one of our wives...who knows what brought her to this position. And I actually agree with her...there probably is no purpose to tell her husband.

 

Each to her own. I would argue, right or wrong, that the only reasons to tell an unsuspecting husband is to get rid of, or even share one's own guilt feelings. I cannot imagine any other reason. This is even more so after the OM relationship is finished.

[Sup]

IaP, how about an update? How are things going?

[Sal Paradise]

I would argue, right or wrong, that the only reasons to tell an unsuspecting husband is to get rid of, or even share one's own guilt feelings. I cannot imagine any other reason.

 

The fact that you can't imagine any other reason speaks volumes for the lack of respect you have for your husband. If you had that respect you would respect his right to know the truth. You would have respected your vows. To have an affair for 20 years is to rob him of 20 years of his life he could of spent with a woman who actually loved and respected him.

 

An affair that goes on for that long basically says you didn't love your husband. That's not one night of lust, that's not an office crush that got out hand, that's not giving into temptation during a rough time in a relationship. That's a continued relationship over two decades. All affairs are the act of a selfish person, you did it for 20 years.

 

You can excuse not telling him all you want. You can claim it was to protect him as much as you want. The simple fact is you didn't tell him because you didn't love him enough to tell him. You're too selfish to put him before you, and too much of a coward to put the future of your marriage in his hands (instead of yours). You don't have the guts to let him see you for who you really are. You've been living a lie, and lying to him everytime you look in his eyes, every time you tell him "I love you", and every time you make love and lie next to each other at night.

 

That is the simple truth. What you "imagine" to be the truth is denial.

[greeneyes78]

The fact that you can't imagine any other reason speaks volumes for the lack of respect you have for your husband. If you had that respect you would respect his right to know the truth. You would have respected your vows. To have an affair for 20 years is to rob him of 20 years of his life he could of spent with a woman who actually loved and respected him.

 

An affair that goes on for that long basically says you didn't love your husband. That's not one night of lust, that's not an office crush that got out hand, that's not giving into temptation during a rough time in a relationship. That's a continued relationship over two decades. All affairs are the act of a selfish person, you did it for 20 years.

 

You can excuse not telling him all you want. You can claim it was to protect him as much as you want. The simple fact is you didn't tell him because you didn't love him enough to tell him. You're too selfish to put him before you, and too much of a coward to put the future of your marriage in his hands (instead of yours). You don't have the guts to let him see you for who you really are. You've been living a lie, and lying to him everytime you look in his eyes, every time you tell him "I love you", and every time you make love and lie next to each other at night.

 

That is the simple truth. What you "imagine" to be the truth is denial.

 

I keep wondering... why is everyone so freakin' judgmental on this site? Is it because of personal experiences that are coming through in various posts? "You didn't tell him because you didn't love him enough to tell him." What is that? And since when do we have one definition of love??