cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[BenThereDunThat]

Problem is, when the 'problems and issues' start in a marriage which makes one person change their feelings for their spouses, wouldn't it be easier AT THAT point in the marriage to talk about it - Decide either end it or go to marriage counselling?

 

Today's society is SELFISH! If you're not happy, screw your responsibilities, your children, your spouse...Get out and make "you" happy. Or even better, just cheat.

 

I'm not saying ALL marriages should end or not end because one person falls out of love, but where do you draw the line?

 

Um, I don't think that's "today's society" at all. I think that's just human beings. Granted, women probably didn't step out as much back in the day, but stuff was still happening.

 

It's just like when we hear about pedophiles, rapes, murders. We automatically say oh the world is just going down in the gutter. Not necessarily true. People were killing, raping, doing horrible things all throughout history. We just know about everything now. We have the Internet, satellite tv, etc.

 

I read "The Greatest Generation" by Tom Brokaw. He initially painted a picture about how wonderful, moral, upstanding the people he was writing about were. How they didn't cut and run when the going got tough. And there, like the third or fourth story, was about a couple who got DIVORCED...in the 40's no less!

 

Sorry. I just don't think today's society is any worse than the societies of the past. There's just more of us and more avenues of information.

[BenThereDunThat]

ALSO - there was a time when a woman was just expected to stay in her marriage - no matter how horribly she was treated, beaten, what have you.

 

Women my age can't comprehend a world where you couldn't explore your own happiness, stand up for yourself, earn your own living.

 

A girlfriend of mine who was raised Catholic had a dad who left her and her mother and her two brothers for another woman. Bad enough, but he also treated the mother horribly before he finally left. Her mother had no choice but to divorce him. She could barely make ends meet.

 

Where did she go for help? The one place she was raised to believe would always be there for her - The Church. They told her sorry, can't help you, you are a divorced woman.

[InaPanic]

I'm glad to know that there are some out there who are not dreading single life or who have had it & that it isn't all miserable.

 

Walk, thank you for your input. Sometimes i do feel like a freak & I do wonder what is wrong with me for even thinking of ending a marriage to a perfectly wonderful man. This whole event, this affair, it has turned me into a different person or it has made me see who i have been all along. And at this point i'm not sure i like me regardless. I haven't admitted this completely, maybe hinted at it, but I am not putting 100% into saving this marriage. I feel so confused & I don't want to lead him on by pretending that i want 100% to save it to only find 3 months down the road that i want out & then I crush him all over again. And in my head I just dont' think either of us can ever go back to the way we were or to who we were & I just don't know.....it's only been a few weeks since he found out but just being around him is causing me to stress out. I don't like to look at him or him look at me. Even tho some of the burden is gone from me because i told him, the guilt & humiliation smothers me every time he looks at me. I'm not sure i can get over it so how can i ever expect him to? I have been asked if i'm considering leaving because i think it will allow me to get together with OM. I always answer no because it's been made very clear that is over. And when i think about actually being with him i do cringe because of the person i saw that he was. But i do worry that somewhere deep inside of me that the thought is there.. and that bothers me. I do not want to end this marriage for any other man but only because i have found it to be the right thing to do for him & for me. It will never be the right thing to do for my children.

SerialMuse, BTDT & Walk, have you all found it hard to enter back into the dating world? There is a part of me that truly thinks I'll just end up alone & very lonely & sad. And as Norajane said, i think about the heartache i just went thru over OM & wonder do i really want to subject myself to that again & again. But safety & comfort are not good enough reasons to stay in a marriage. My H deserves more than that.

 

here is what i worry about the most right now......there is a part of me that looks at this as (& I am ashamed to admit this) but exciting. My God, this is such a midlife crisis i am having. But i do. There are times when i think about being single & just doing what i want to do that it does sound appealing. I know & I keep telling myself this is all fantasy. And i try to make myself think about the lonely nights of being here not only without my H but without my kids because he'd have shared custody. i am seriously trying not to glamorize it because i feel like that's what i am doing & I KNOW, i mean i really know it won't be. But being honest, there are times it sounds exciting to start over. bUt i have not the faintest idea why.

 

I think every situation is different & I do believe there are times when a marriage can & should be saved. Initially this is totally how i felt about mine. And i think there are times when a marriage should most definitly end when there is abuse, etc. And sometimes, & this is now what i am wondering about mine, if sometimes no one is really a bad person but people have changed & it has to end for that reason. I know i am a bad person for what i did, i am not denying that but ....why did i do it? and will i do it again years from now?

 

yes i need professional help.

 

sorry this is so long

[GreenEyedLady]

IAP: I have been divorced 3 years. I did not find it hard to reenter dating, but you have to be careful. The dating scene is different now. You have to take care of yourself, because no one else will.

 

I am glad I left my marriage. I have two kids and they are well-adjusted because both of their parents are still in their life and we are not waging war with one another.

 

If you choose to stay in your marriage, choose it because that is what you want, because you love your husband and you want to fix your marriage. Not because you are afraid of being alone and sad. That's not fair to your husband and ultimately, it's not fair to you either.

 

Good luck!

[Guest]

IAP: I have been divorced 3 years. I did not find it hard to reenter dating, but you have to be careful. The dating scene is different now. You have to take care of yourself, because no one else will.

 

But aren't you having an affair with a MM? How can you say dating isn't hard when you are seeing a man who has a wife? And how is that taking care of yourself?

[themeanGuest]

You really should just let your husband go, and maybe he'll find a woman who will respect him and be a good wife to him and a good stepmother to his kids. Your kids will need stability, and you having thoughts of being single and free will jeopardize that. As long as you keep thinking this way, it is most likely that when you think that a man is "courting" you again, you will succumb to that weakness and have another affair; I have no doubt.

 

I know you don't like being called selfish or a bad mother, and you're right I have no idea what kind of person you are, but the moment that you decided to go ahead with the affair, you thought of no one else, but yourself, thereby making you selfish. You compromised your children, and if they don't know about your affair now, they will eventually and probably from someone else. You have set them up for a great deal of confusion and humilation.

 

You also presumed wrong. No one has messed around on me, but I have been the friend who had to watch her friend's mortification as the children of the person her parent had an affair with lashed out on her in front of all her friends. She had no idea. It took her ten years to finally forgive that parent.

 

I don't believe in divorce, and no one in my family is divorced, but you're obviously not happy, and that's what is most important to you, so you should give your husband an out. He deserves better, and so does your kids.

 

I'm sorry if you think that I'm mean, but I'm just telling you the way I see it. You should have known better being a child of a parent whose had their own shares of affairs.

[GreenEyedLady]

Guest: I didn't say that dating wasn't hard, that I didn't have a problem reentering the dating scene. And I met MM under the guise that he was single. I didn't know that he was married until well into it.

 

Besides, the point is: Don't stay married because you're afraid to be single! DUH!

[Guest]

Guest: I didn't say that dating wasn't hard, that I didn't have a problem reentering the dating scene. And I met MM under the guise that he was single. I didn't know that he was married until well into it.

 

Besides, the point is: Don't stay married because you're afraid to be single! DUH!

 

One could make a different point: Don't divorce just because you're a little bored!

 

I'm not saying that's why you divorced, but it sure sounds like InaPanic is bored and thinks being single is going to free her from it. Dating other men isn't going to give her the fulfillment she is seeking.

[soooomestup]

Panic i tried to email you but it came back to me is it [sIZE=2]DBowen1072 at hotmail.com

[/sIZE]

[Tatara]

Hey there 'panic. Sorry I've been gone for a while. My hubby thinks these forums are bad for me (too much stuff to read that scares me about relationships) I suppose I shouldn't keep coming back but sheesh, they are addictive ^_^

 

I finally caught up in reading. It really seems like you have very low self esteem. I wonder if this is only because of the A or if you always have? You place your husband so far above you (sounds familiar, I do the same with mine.)

 

I have always had low self esteem and am very insecure - I think thats one of the things that lead me into having an online A. I felt like I wasn't good enough for him, and everything good he tells me seems so unrealistic I think that he is lying to me. I wanted to beleive some of the good things but couldn't. I could never beleive him and never trust him. How can such a great man not have nasty little secrets? he is *too* perfect! He must be hiding something (then the stream of thoughts twist together to peice together a different reality in my head that I convince myself of, at least until I start to cry about it and come to him for reassurance.) I wanted to beleive there was something good about me and would take it from anyone (enter online OM <sigh>).

 

After the guilt lead me to telling him I felt even worse, about myself... about us.. about hurting him. And there was a time where I considered that maybe I don't care for him as much as I thought I do. I felt this emptiness that didn't want to go away. I didn't know what it was, but the realization that maybe it was my love fading was horrific. How could I leave him after everything he has put up with from me, how could I not love him? He has never done a thing wrong to me only shown me patience and understanding and love. real love. He wants more then anything just for me to be his wife and to love him. I realized this wasn't my love fading. I still loved him and still do (like crazy).

 

In my constant fear of losing him (throughout our whole relationship, not just after the online A) I have been slowly trying to accept it as an inevitable fact. Its going to happen. And I've been preparing myself for the event. Its not anything he has done, said. I just pick up fear like a sponge. Everything I see and read about relationships are scaring me to a point where I am falling apart inside. Every story I read on Loveshack I am taking even little bits of what others are doing wrong and making sure I am not doing it, and if I notice myself doing anything wrong I freak out and think he will eventually hate me for it. Basicly, in preparing myself for this emotional catastrophe (that isn't even gonna happen) I have been distancing myself emotionally from him, and my head is feeding me bits of un-reality against him. Which leaves me needing affection, because I don't beleive his affection to be real (even though it is).

 

What I have (I am fairly sure) is fear of abandonment (which I am seeing a pshychiatrist for, I realize I sound crazy I just hope no one will point me in a pdocs direction ^_^) But the point to my story is that in the whole time of the A, in order to keep it going without feeling the incredible guilt (which caught up with you in the end) is it possible that you emotionally distanced yourself from your perfect hubby? That empty "do I love him?" feeling (which you are trying to fill with thoughts of exciting single life and OM fantasies) is probably stemming from that if that is the case. You are showing considerable lack of understanding (getting stressed easily, not understanding hubbys ups n downs, or not having the strenght to deal with them) in this stage and it seems to all be pointing to the fact that you don't know how you feel.

 

Are you still taking the Prozac? I completely missed it if you mentioned stopping them.

[InaPanic]

Panic i tried to email you but it came back to me is it [sIZE=2]DBowen1072 at hotmail.com[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

 

Hey SMU, it's not hotmail it's aol.com

Everything else is correct tho. Try it again but not hotmail, aol.com

[InaPanic]

 

After the guilt lead me to telling him I felt even worse, about myself... about us.. about hurting him. And there was a time where I considered that maybe I don't care for him as much as I thought I do. I felt this emptiness that didn't want to go away. I didn't know what it was, but the realization that maybe it was my love fading was horrific. How could I leave him after everything he has put up with from me, how could I not love him? He has never done a thing wrong to me only shown me patience and understanding and love. real love. He wants more then anything just for me to be his wife and to love him. I realized this wasn't my love fading. I still loved him and still do (like crazy).

 

.

 

Your first sentence is me exactly Tatara. When i first told him i went overboard trying to be affectionate & make him feel good. Then after a few days i just felt worse about it all. And i still do, mainly about our relationship. And to say that 'the realization that maybe it was my love fading was horrific', YES! That is exactly how i feel. I have this almost numb feeling inside except for sadness. It's almost like, when i try to think back to pre-affair, it's almost like a blur, like it was a million years ago. And that is crazy! We had 18 years together, why can i not remember a ton of happy thoughts & the way i felt, why is it just the sadness, & regret & humiliation is all i can feel inside of me right now? I feel the same way when i think about leaving, how can i do this to him? I know he wants nothing more than for us to work things out & stay together. I want to see signs my love isn't fading & that i want to be with him. God, what is wrong with me? or is there anything wrong with me? Does this just happen sometimes, that people fall out of love.

 

Lately, i can't even hardly lie in bed with him and snuggle or have him touching on me. I just want to run. Now before the affair, during the affair & even after the affair prior to telling him i never felt like this. Why do i now? I mean to be honest we had points in our marriage when i had no interest in sex & the more he would try the more i would pull away. That is almost how i feel now, the more he tries to touch & be intimate the more i don't want it. This is when i start thinking i need to let him go so he can move on. I feel like an ass for what i am doing to him even yet. But i keep thinking/hoping with time i will start feeling more like my old self & getting back to normal.

 

I have no doubt i have low self-esteem. And i'm sure it came from years of being very overweight. Even tho my H always told me he loved me & showed me he still desired me I never believed it either. I always wondered how he could desire me the way i looked. This was the root of most of our sexual problems in teh past, was me not feeling sexual because of my body or at least that's what i thought it was. maybe it wasn't, maybe i've not been sexually attratcted to him for awhile & that was my excuse. Heck, i don't know. But i don't think i have good self-esteem at all. Which is probably why i feel for OM's lines & why i continued to make myself look pathetic in chasing after him when it was clear it was over. Maybe i need to look for a good self help book.

[Sup]

Have you checked out that thread yet? What did you think?

[InaPanic]

Have you checked out that thread yet? What did you think?

 

Hey Sup, i looked up dazednconfused & it was 'wife made stupid mistake'?

 

I read his post & boy it does sound very similar to my situation as far as years invested & the hurt the H is feeling. DnC's W had a much longer & it seems much more involved affair than i did. Not that makes the H's hurt any more or less. Cheating is cheating. I will read this thread.

[Mz. Pixie]

No, you shouldn't stay married because you're afraid of being single.

 

That being said everyone has made good points here.

 

I met some nice guys but I met a jerk or two also.

 

I was lucky and ended up meeting my H who didn't take advantage of me.

 

But the dating scene is much different than it was when you were single before- I was clueless. We have to worry about aids and other STDs that you didn't have to consider before.

 

Eventually though you'll have the same issues in marriage that you have now- because everyone fights about money, the kids etc.

 

I think your finances are making it seem like it would be easier to cut and go. What are your thoughts on that??

[Sup]

Hey Sup, i looked up dazednconfused & it was 'wife made stupid mistake'?

 

I read his post & boy it does sound very similar to my situation as far as years invested & the hurt the H is feeling. DnC's W had a much longer & it seems much more involved affair than i did. Not that makes the H's hurt any more or less. Cheating is cheating. I will read this thread.

 

 

Yeah, that's the one. He supposedly has written/ or is writing a book, I dunno what the title is though, you may wanna IM him to find out. You could even ask him how he's doing these days. By the way, you should let husband read this Thread, but warn him that it contains things you havn't yet told him. He deserves to know the whole truth. I don't mean to sound like I'm pushing, but, he has to know to have a chance to fully heal.

[InaPanic]

Yeah, that's the one. He supposedly has written/ or is writing a book, I dunno what the title is though, you may wanna IM him to find out. You could even ask him how he's doing these days. By the way, you should let husband read this Thread, but warn him that it contains things you havn't yet told him. He deserves to know the whole truth. I don't mean to sound like I'm pushing, but, he has to know to have a chance to fully heal.

 

I have been reading some of the book my H bought & I saw this passage & wanted to post it here. The book is called Surviving Infidelity by Rona B. Bubotnik L.M.F.T. & Gloria G. Harris PH.D. The passage says:

 

"In our opinion, it does not help the recovery process foryou to hear all the salacious details of the affair. In fact, we have seen many situations in which brutal honesty impairs the process and perpetuates the obsessive review. Focusing on the details can prevent you from standing back enough to look for the causes of infidelity. It is working on these causes that will resolve the issues, not inundating yourself with the details. Your spouse will likely become defensive or 'clam up' over these inquiries."

 

I found this interesting because the term 'brutal honesty' is exactly what i used. I also don't think he needs to know every gorey detail. And thank god he hasn't asked for many.

[Sup]

Have you 2 at least have an appointment at MC? Your husband has to let out his emotions, or it could overwhelm, or even kill him.

[Tatara]

I have no doubt i have low self-esteem. And i'm sure it came from years of being very overweight. Even tho my H always told me he loved me & showed me he still desired me I never believed it either. I always wondered how he could desire me the way i looked. This was the root of most of our sexual problems in teh past, was me not feeling sexual because of my body or at least that's what i thought it was. maybe it wasn't, maybe i've not been sexually attratcted to him for awhile & that was my excuse. Heck, i don't know. But i don't think i have good self-esteem at all. Which is probably why i fell for OM's lines & why i continued to make myself look pathetic in chasing after him when it was clear it was over. Maybe i need to look for a good self help book.

Well if you could hardly beleive your husband when he said he desired you (with the extra weight) then how are you supposed to beleive he wants you sexually after you've had an affair? You feel like you're a monster, why would he want to have sex with you, right? But he does.

 

Is it possible that these feelings have nothing to do with him? Your feelings are so messed up right now that you are reacting oddly to his advances which in turn make you think that you are falling out of love with him. You are overanalizing everything desperately clawing for the answers and in doing so you are letting your low self worth eat you alive.

 

Whats worse is that because you are so internally involved with your own feelings you are being sorta selfish to him. Now I don't mean that offensively, when I have those deep crazy feelings that won't stop hurting me but I don't know why, my whole life is pushed aside to deal with my pain. Including hubby. My capacity to deal with stress is absolutely SHOT. And right now he needs you to be there for him (and you know this, which makes you feel worse) so you start downward spiraling. The way you act makes you feel bad, feeling bad just cascades your already uncertain feelings, which makes you act cold.

 

Now I brought this up because I think the downward spiral is whats eatting you up, not lack of love for him (you won't know until the other feelings that are masking this is gone). If you can stop relating the pain to your love (or lack thereof) it will at least get rid of the fears which is keeping it spiralling downward.

 

I think your low self worth is what caused the affair in the first place. But you know what? If you can't beleive your husband desired you because of your body, you aren't going to beleive it from anyone else etheir. Until you are happy with yourself you are going to keep feeling that "I'm not good enough" gap, and keep looking for ways to fill it. I think its very important to find out what your issues really are. When you fix the real problem, everything will fall into place on its own. The decisions you make will come naturally to you.

 

Or at least thats what I hear. Still workin on it myself.

[InaPanic]

Tatara, i think you missed your calling in life as a therapist . You always seem to say things that hit home with me. When i was heavier I couldn't understand how he could still find me desirable. As i started losing weight then it wasn't such an issue & our sex life became much better. But this is also about the time OM came into my life. Now because i know he knows i've had sex with someone else & because he's made comments about STD's, again I am wondering why & how he could still want to be with me. I feel dirty & disgusting. Last night we had sex for the first time since I told him of the affair. It was my idea, I suggested we do it, if he wanted to, earlier in the evening before the kids went to bed. This way I couldn't back out because other nights i had thought we should but then when it came time to go to bed I backed out in my own head. I was so nervous, i was afraid he might have a breakdown & cry during it or even get very angry. I did ask if he were sure he wanted to & I wanted to ask if he wanted to wear a condom because of any fears of me having anything but i didn't ask. I figured if he wanted to wear one we have them & he could. It wasn't the best sex either of us had ever had but it wasnt' bad either. It felt better than i thought it would but i still felt very awkward. But i think it needed to be done. I have found in the past when i've had problems wanting to be sexual that the longer i go without doing it, the harder it is for me to want to. So i feel better that we have ended the 'no sex' spell we were on. Maybe this will help me bring back some bonding feelings with him. And i think it will help him too.

Yesterday was a hard day, found out more info on OM that wasn't good, made me feel like a fool all over again which brought on tears of hurt & hatred for my stupidity. That lasted quite awhile. I called H at work & cried out another apology to him. Not sure if that was a good thing or not. And basically felt pretty crappy the rest of the day. But by evening i was feeling better & probably more positive about my marriage than i had felt all day. I'm not sure why but i'm not questioning it. I wish i could have more moments, hours & days where i felt positive.

[JamesM]

Yesterday was a hard day, found out more info on OM that wasn't good, made me feel like a fool all over again which brought on tears of hurt & hatred for my stupidity.

 

Out of curiosity, what else did you find out?

 

Even though I haven't been commenting, I appreciate your updates. They are a constant reminder that I should keep my wife in the front of my mind...always. I feel for you deeply...and of course, I understand your husband.

 

I think you two will come through this...together.

[InaPanic]

Out of curiosity, what else did you find out?

 

Even though I haven't been commenting, I appreciate your updates. They are a constant reminder that I should keep my wife in the front of my mind...always. I feel for you deeply...and of course, I understand your husband.

 

I think you two will come through this...together.

 

Thank you for the kind words JamesM. I appreciate it.

 

I found out that on the website we met that he had apparently put 'the moves' as it was worded on another older married woman. And that she 'put him in his place' & told him she was happily married. I don't know if this happened before i met him, during or after we split. The realization that this is his method of opporation is hurtful. I think he has a thing for older married women & trying to split up their marriages. It makes me feel like a fool that i ever believed he did truly care for me in the way he said. I thought he was sincere & this is where my naivity of not having dated much or been exposed to jerks & players in my youth steps in i think. I believed him when he said he had never met anyone online like this before because I hadn't met anyone online like that before. If i was telling the truth i presumed he was too. I presumed wrong i guess. Of course i don't know that it is 100% true what this other person told me that they heard but for some reason i'm not doubting it.

[Mz. Pixie]

I believed him when he said he had never met anyone online like this before because I hadn't met anyone online like that before. If i was telling the truth i presumed he was too. I presumed wrong i guess. Of course i don't know that it is 100% true what this other person told me that they heard but for some reason i'm not doubting it.

 

This is why you're being single would be hard- you're naive about that kind of stuff.

 

It's probably true.

 

Why are you even visiting the website where you met him and finding out stuff about him?? You need to stay away from ANYTHING to do with him.

[InaPanic]

This is why you're being single would be hard- you're naive about that kind of stuff.

 

It's probably true.

 

Why are you even visiting the website where you met him and finding out stuff about him?? You need to stay away from ANYTHING to do with him.

 

actually i heard this info from a friend of mine who can't stand him. He still goes to this website & he told me. I should probably tell him not to say anything else to me about him.

 

i think being single would be very hard for me & i'd have a lot of heartbreak.

[Sup]

Thank you for the kind words JamesM. I appreciate it.

 

I found out that on the website we met that he had apparently put 'the moves' as it was worded on another older married woman. And that she 'put him in his place' & told him she was happily married. I don't know if this happened before i met him, during or after we split. The realization that this is his method of opporation is hurtful. I think he has a thing for older married women & trying to split up their marriages. It makes me feel like a fool that i ever believed he did truly care for me in the way he said. I thought he was sincere & this is where my naivity of not having dated much or been exposed to jerks & players in my youth steps in i think. I believed him when he said he had never met anyone online like this before because I hadn't met anyone online like that before. If i was telling the truth i presumed he was too. I presumed wrong i guess. Of course i don't know that it is 100% true what this other person told me that they heard but for some reason i'm not doubting it.

 

Basically, OM is a preditor, going around and destroying marriages, did you tell your husband this?